I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

I cant get a grip. All over the place with my emotinons..hes playing with the girls on wii, as if nothing is happenineg...he can laugh and get on with things. Icant and I feel a bit bent double...so erm ....welll..erm..went back on an anti dpressant that Ive taken for a long time. I have a months supply in my cipboard...just enough to get through. Mybe things DO happen for a reason. If I take these though IMUST NOT DRINK pls if you catch me drunk again give me a very BIG BAD TELLING OFF....I know my drinking is an issue but I think I canhanle my ffelings a bit better this wayDo/


God its like hes drilling holes in my head....Right now feel like a nasty evil b***h..Right now I feel like hes deliberately taking my children from me..I cant enjoy them as hes doin the doing..and Its gutting to be treated the way he treats me and watch my children being ripped away. They do knkow that i love tham so..Its me they both come to cuddle they dont get cuddles from daddy .Hes not big on affetion. I love cuddling my childrne ..and I find that hard to understand....But it all makes sense when you realise he was brought up by an abusive father and their was no mother around to look after 3 children when he was a babay . I Guess thats why hes like that.

Why do I try and understand him? Why? I dont know why I do that...I mean he couldnt really do anymore damage to me? No katy....You have made the decisions...Listent to yourself ....hes a bully and you have a conscience.My boss at work said that to me...the difference is you have a conscience. Ok...Must go...blooody moths!!!!! Hope ive not bores you to death and soory for all of this..just ,,hmmmmm

Gosh...this is weird......just rang my dad...he was brill...just spewed it all out to him..hes going to look up this act for me...and has just put rational thinking on everything..he even said yeah ...your doing the right thing.... its like a gasp of fresh air.

This is the thing...my mum sasys one thing about him...dad well hes not so bad about her....but when I spk to my dad its all so hard to believe and Iguess thats why my sister and I ...oh nevermind...thats byb the by and theres no more excuses!!!!!!!

Okay...this document is 16 pages long...NO WONDER I WAS CONFUSED- my bismrk ( sorry cant speel ) has and only wants me to sign 6 selected pages out of this act.......well F****!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!!! The 6 pages he has selected basically give himt total control...enpowers him to seeing the children when ever he wants and bla bla........Not only that, but by signing these 6 pages I wouuld be practically giving my children away..Is he stupid and thank god I rang my dad when I did, I wondered why my solicitor said it would be fine...when I couldnt see how it would be fine. The differenc being he has manipulated this ( again ) to his own ends. Unbelieveable!!!!!! I dont think that is legal either...so taking my poor mum and myself back to the lawyers.

Just gutted. hes done it again as well.Hes taken the children out and I dont know when theyll be back...I am missin gthem .The only reall time I have with thme iare the weekends. This is killing me. and I am going back to bed. So glad my dad saw what hed doen..No wonder no one could understand why I was so worried. Feel sick....U I cant see a way out of this one without being battered again, and why should I unsettle my children and change their schooling why should he cause them anymore uncaring grief??????????????? :$ :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

m still in o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O My sister 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( told me something that my partner had done.

I dont really want to tell you as its really really bad and had I nown the TOTAL TRUTH, I would never have got together with him in the first place. Ive actually been sick .....I cant believe Ive had kids with this man and if my sister is telling the truth ..Its so bad....I reckon you could guess if I told you , I met him at a party my sister was having.

Feel more guilty than ever now Ive not only hurt my sister...maybe its even the cause of her being a bit ano...but my kids are damged!!!!

Now, this has shook me up. I dont know what to think , except.....I WANT HIM GONE!!!!!! Not feeling well at all so going to my bed..........I cant believe what she said :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( Its made evry memory black with him ...everything.

He is poison and my god...the only thing he owns is our flat screen ....He said of course hed take it with him..Ives said F off Ill bu it off you as that will upset the children...F***, I dont care he can take it. It can easily be replaced.....think Im ogin t to puke again. Its all my fault,,,,I am a stupid id**t!!!

The facts as welll that mysister wanted to at some point dissown me( hmmm) Yeah that hurts....but god..I just dont know what to think...She even said my dad wanted to dissown me to..I dont know what to think...( all because I was besoted by this man thats just pure poison)

Maybe this forum coul delete this....but Iam going to write it anyway....my sister told me last night that my partner had sat outside her work and waited for her.....She told me that he had suggested that they run away together...She told me that he admittied to really loveong her.

Meanwhil my sister was trin to protect me from Mr evil....but her biyfriend at that time had warned her never to spk to me again because I was still dating my partner ( Little did I know any of this).....I knew that it was odd that my sister and her partner had restricted contact and couldnt undertsand..God...I am so stupid.....My sister split up with her boyfriend adn we enede up getting a flat together....Me and him,,,,we were still going out....thats when I fell pregnant...me????Completely) God....I dont knkow what to think. No wonder its notworked o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

Sorry, but Ive been on my own with the girls today. Cleaned a little did a washing.Took them out . Got ice creams, had some fun and now watching a film..I think...Know that phonecall last night and everything.I knkow I am doing the right thing. I know I am ..and like you say ..Once this part is over, Ill be able to live a life....... I just hope this bit does not go on too long....its 12 years of good and ver bad..and theres my children ...but there ok,,,and to be hnest looking forward to just being able to spend time with them. So feeling much more positve...Thank you Bambi.....Just for being there and listening!

Just cataloguing nwo. But I feel weird. In fact truthfully I dont seem to be feeling anything....They are having their dinner ...no questions asked.....I dont care, and hes been polite and trying to be nice...like its not happeneing.....and his tactic works cause no nerealy wants to do this...but I have ot put my blinkers on ....i cant go back to him...i dont want to go back to him,,,,,but how can he think everythingis ok????????????????????????/

I just feel weird.

Had a really good laugh though with a friend on facebbok.....we got a bit naughty and found myself crying with laughter in the streets . Cry /laugh...............theres no inbetween man . Mind you Id be fine if I oculd just laugh all the time.....its good when I get going..though laughing can be tiring.

We spoke abou anne summers How the H it is going to survive the Credit crunch...probably will do very well and some...................

O

He is so selctive and twisted...you should just have heard what ive just heard...unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want ME back, and I want to be a mum like i deserve to my childrne.

Honestly, I dont know what it is. Ive been complaning about this for a while. Today I was trying to get to work...as soon as I am in an open space , i panic..my legs ceize up and I feel like I am going to fall over. This has happened to me many a time.

right hapeened to me today abouat leaast 6xs. It took me 50mins to get to work and I was 2o mins late.

I had to hold onto a bucket for about 20mins, and just couldnt hold back ther tears and I didnt feel able to let go of the bucket....i cried in the strett for ages,,,even a traffic warden parked beside me,, and ignored me, couples walked past and ifnored me. I couldnt move. The Couldnt breathe as I started to panic.tears streaming down my face. Then as I started to come out what ever this is...I made it to the next lampost...then used a wall to cling onto to get t o the road....But then couldnt turn my head to check for traffic and even big open space and started the same thing , legs seized up, tears rolling down my face...not one person ( as bloody usual stopped ) to help..I could feel myself falling ..but ( phew) I was not.. Then and worse still get to the last bit...really windy and It all happens again...this time there was nothing to hold onto except a road sign...lots of people walked passed..Evetually ( and dont laugh) i had to ask a very elderly lady to help me cross the road) She took my hand and I was fine....Got ot work tears rolling down face shaking and I dont know what I ooked like...20 mins late ...( What a mess) Was a bit low at work an couldnt focus...Then thought I was ok...but as soon as I stepped outside..it all started again...So saw sense and got a bus home...Now home and still dont feel great...Also snssation in my head sa if theres water init..and sore bit above hip ,,,just niggling...Keep going sdizzy so going to sleep it off. Partner not been to Housing association 9 like he ha dpromised ) and Im not well enough to walk or even try to wlak outside again ...NOt doint it!!!! I am worried as I have so many housing forms to cover the rent bil land so forth and cant get that done ..not today...Oh..and Bambi...Iam not going to sign any documentation..theres no need for it.

Dear Katy: I truly think you are on the verge or are in a full Nervous Breakdown! All of the things you are putting down, and now having FULL out panic attacks. You need some help immediately! Forget about him, the bills everything. I truly hope you hear me with all this going on. You need to get some help or have your family get some help for you. Don't worry about the things that you can't control, worry about you! I have known several people who had nervous breakdowns, the hospital WILL help you. It is not a life sentence, and nothing to do with you being "weak" it is about you needing help! AND not to mention a rest. So please ask your doctor for more help. If you tell him all the things going on with you right now, then I am sure he can get you admitted to hosptial for some care. The people I know come out of this just fine Katy. Don't think of it as a negative, just a positive OK?

I cant. I really cant.if i see my GP again he will have down as a raving looney, and I cnat do it..I need to be here.Ineed my children near to me!!

I just hope it doesnt happen again.its happened so many times...and so many times people just ignore...i had to beg for someone to help me...and that made me late for worl and I felt bad for that. When I got there , i was a trembling wreck..and I need to follow everything throw..i cant back down if I end up admitted to a hospital ..he will just hold it against me as an unfit parent. its truly a mess...I just have to keep going I have to, for my gals. Bless you though..the way ifelt and teh fact no one helped ..wellit was as before...no one wants to get involved and when your face looks a bit like a swollen raspberry , no one gives a damn, but its not good not been able to walk. ilove walking and thinging..its no good!!

I did manage to get the bus home , but that was after another episode. I stood at the traffic lights, yet agian my legs ceized and I couldnt wlak..Id waited ages for the wee green man, and chacked for traffic to stop..but I could not cross the road. so again ..and this was on my way home cried and got to the nearest bus stop. fisrtly, so desperate to get home ..to ssee me girls..but there I was sooking wet and could barelt stand. This bus was going in the wrong direction..No ne gave a toss about the teaers, te shaking..the fact I could barely stand..so i got offf the bus..and had words with myself..a bt ilike this morning "let go of the black bucket:..youll make it to the lampost..I did ,,then made across the road, had to stride against walls incase I colapsed..Soon as I let go , i was a mess...so many people passed and didnt help and that scares me..What if I colapse and no one helps?? Sorry bambi..just wanted you to know the truth, Yet when I got homhad a big joke with an old friend of mine about tenalady..Bog off..and all that..and ooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe bodyform bodyfrom for you..she had me in tears....But found it hard with my gals..Just as I am lost inspace and time..time seems to pass by so quick...I was really surprised when i looked at my watch and my shift was nearly finished.. Sorry..I know you have your own stifes to deal with ( everyone does0 na dthats anothe thinf pumping n my head..Its notl ike Ive lost my parents, its not like my dad has MS..Its not like I have a huge brain tumour...but I cant help it!! does that make any sense? Sorry..that just how scared I am feeling...and keep thinking I have water on the brain! sorry

Lovey, you are NOT a "raving looney" You are a woman in need!! You do not have Agrophobia, you ARE in full panic attack! My dad once said to me, "If you are hungry, you are hungry, it doesn't matter that there are people starving all over the world, it doesn't take away from the fact that YOU need food" Which is EXACTLY what is your case, yes you don't have a brain tumour. BUT you have an illness that needs just as much compassion and help as the poor person WITH a brain tumour. You are overwhelmed, under helped, and YOU NEED to be taken care of. One of my friends had to leave her 3 kids in the hands of her family and friends for a little while while she got better. You need this to do this so you can be better for your kids Katy! They NEED you healthy and completely there! And right now you cannot be. No amount of anti depressent is going to help you right now Katy, you need counselling and some rest. If you have a calm moment, read ALL of your posts in the last couple of days. This is what is happening in your brain right now, you cannot think straight - thus the erratic thoughts, and writings. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Katy get some help from you doctor, I Promis you he will not think you are looney! It also could be an easily diagnosed problem, even with hormones, or a bi polar condition that IS treatable. You need to make steps for yourself, instead of people making the steps for you. I don't want to frighten you, just enlighten you that there IS help for you and I just found this site for you to call. They can help you get some help. PLEASE call them Katy and ask for some help! They WILL help you.

http://www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/bspace/CCC_FirstPage.jsp

Bambi-I am too scared..everyone walking past me and evryone not giving a care.Why would I think this is medically an illnes?its me- I have no backbone and Ifeelguilty for everything. I have strength , in that I have to get out of this, regardless if he hurts...but ..idont know what..I just want to be able to walk. I may go back-but first, i am off to bed, hoping a good night srest might sort it....thank you for being here for me...i dont lie this "out of control"feeling.at all..Hopefully, Ill sleep it off and tomorrow will be a new day. and Id just liek to state I do have a friend witrh a brain tumour..and hes coping admirably...Ialso have afirned whose dad has ms ..that I was close too and the rest..anyway night night.but thanks you for listening.

Follow that post Katy! They are a phonecall away! It has NOTHING to do with strength. It has to do with an illness, a POSSIBLE mental illness, if - God forbid you had cancer, would you not seek treatment? It's just the same, you just can't see it. You can DEFINITELY feel it can't you? Same thing hon. I truly wish you would do this, if not for yourself your kids! They need you happy, HEALTHY, and above all HERE!!!

I feel ok indoors. Must admit though had really vivd nightmare last night-cant be sure who it was lying on the kitchen floor ( in my drem) I call 999 and get some comedian -who thinks its funny to stay on the line...so shouting and screaming "ge of the line...My mum was there but about 20 yrs younger..and she calming me down ...no thinking much of it..meanwhile pesron on floor is dying..nobodies helping.

I dont thinkit helped whne My sister stated that a friend of hers-who was in the same position as I am now( well her husband /partner took a shot gun to her neck o.O ( Thanks for that one sis) So just feel the same..Bu Iam fine.I dont htink I am going 8-| mental, I think this is how I cope when situations are strsseful-mind you I dont normalyy have to hold onto things....and I was thinking about crawling along the streets, sasying as no one gives a stuuf..I may well do that whenit happens again. XD It like being a baby again and I am just learning to walk :$ Must go ..have work.

Bambi- thanks for listening. Whenyou say I can definately feel it- No I cant , cause sometimes I pretned :this is not happening" which is not the best, as then I realise "sugar it is..total despair, ( maybe thats all it is..Stress. anda bad time. I dont thnk I need a hospital/doctor or anything..Hmmm, I just hope it doesnt happen again..going to walk a differnt root today...try and change my thinking. Illl take my mobile just incase. and get help fro work...cause I did literally feel stuck o that black bin...like a piece of rubbish ( ha ha)

Hi, me again( not a good day) dont know ....not as bad as yesterday.It wordked a little taking a different root to work anad just made it on time. Though stepping of the pavement is a bit like stepping onto a boat that not got a sloep thingy and you need to climb into it, ( idf you get me) and have to hold on/

I got to work and couldnt stop thinking about the kids and him..and how things used to be i dont think I need a docotor or hospital. U just need to be strong and get through this..Feeling all this guilt and rage and I dont know..I feel like I am the human ripping the family apart. everytime I see a baby in a pram or a small child i remember how it used to be..How we used to share our children ...how we never stoped talking about them ...but I guess theres no getting out of it..not that I want to go back to a couple of weeks. i am so screwed up now as all i am thining about is the fun times.....yet feel all this guilt ( almost like Ive forgotten everything) and then go to bank and hes cleared the account, so no money.

Managed to eat a lot today..thinking maybe thats that thats causeing me to feel this wasy, combined with stress and the fact I was on librium the week before...Could it not just be withdrawal from that atopped with everything else thats making me feel this way? I dont want to go to hospital...and I dont want o annoy my docotr again.