I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Just came here to bleet. I really dont knkow what I would do without citalopram. Im fighting not going back to bed, but really upset about the way I look, and worse bloody toothache and sure its starting to abscess . You can feel the p***y stuff in my jaw bone. Ouch!!! Was hoping to get my paperwork handed in-but cant bring myself to get to the trainstation and daughter is still ill. That thing is still in his bed-doesnt help me one jot not even with the children. Im so fed up doing the school run and hearing the grunts of his snorin gwhen I leave the front door. its so annoying!!! Is this how everyone else lives. Mind you haven said that-im not such a b***h, I mean we alll need sleep from time to time, hey , Ive ben sleeping round the clock -dont know what it is, but slept pretty much most of Tuesday-went to bed, slept, wnt to work, came home, sslept, got up wednesday, threw up, got to work, came home , got kids , slept. . Hmm, sh*t..Im just thinking , Ive not had a period in ages..hmm, maybe its due, as my toothache is worse.(lol) Just tell the whole wide workd why dont you My eye pupils are like saucers, I dont think anyone else notices, but I do, and its strange. If I look at my girls eyes , there pupils are much bigger-whys that happening?

Ive so much to do-just want to hide under a duvet and keep warm, still got sinking feelingin pitt of stomach, and why is it everytime I think of my course I satrt to choke, gag and vomit. Its not that bad!!!

Oh and then theres the hair on my head disaster-what is that?...Looks like something from worzel.

Ok, its not possibl for me to be pregnant( not unless I was totally unconscious and didnt wake up the next day)ok, oh dear im worrying. This flat is so cold OH ..yup i forgot to state that Ive not to speak to my sister on the phone beause of the 2 pound 5o charge ( what a load of 5817!!!!! I mean, has he any idea how much children acutally cost ? No! Frankly,I pay 2 pounds for there school dinners, that 4 pound per day...and Ive not to ring my sister because of a 2 pound 50 pence charge...what is that because she knows what hes like? is that because shes done nothing but suport me through this crappie time? is it? Is it because he doesnt want me to speak to anyone lese but him? I dont know I dont get it Honestly, i laughed hysterically lasyt night when he said it. i just laughed..ok...I know its not nice but for fs.. I also spent around 200 pounds on food last week of which he helps himself too!! What is this, a hotel??? well, if it was me staying in it , Id be complaining about the cleaning? I hate the way I look at the moment . I look lie a junkie!!!Oh glad I came back here. Going to go ring housing now...God, how could I forget? See, im scared he will just snap, and then just snap my neck one of these days.This is what Im worried about too-I mean I could move out of here with the kids. he takes me to court blah blah blah, and doesnt get what he wants, so then starts smashing things up and so on. Oh well, the only thing is to do it-Im scared anyways, so theres nothing to loose!!

hey dafty..... wow calm down a bit my friend:))) you speak very fast heeeeeehe. Anyway my name is Gilbert . Im 30 years old im from Malta. I have depression plus anxiety plus panic disorder. I dont feel at ease mostly in the mornings. I hate it like this. Its been more than 2 years now on me and I feel pretty exhausted now. Always fighting , fighting, fighting and I remain the same:((. I found this forum about 2 years ago and I found it pretty much helpful and interesting. My anxiety is killing me daft....Im not the same person I was before 3 years ago . This thing made me a different person , with different character. Sometimes I worry too much on my health that someday I will be hospitalised , im afraid really:((. dont know what shall I do . With the help of friends like you and my family who supports me a lot , I can keep going on . Without it im nothing !!! . My eyes are sensitive to the daylight ( thats can be related to my anxiety) along with eye floaters that came out with this depression. Meds arent helping and sometimes I have times where I feel to give up!!!:-( The day looks so grey to me. Ive lost interesting in life and here when im afraid the most because I think that i will be dead soon:(((( Take care and good evening from malta here its 17.31 pm at the moment. Ciao!!


Pls help me with your reply

Thanks a lot Gilbertxx

I Understand you Gilbert! I think we all get a litte anxious and depressed from time to time, just some of us get it more than others! hope your al right-I am having a bad day and negatively predicting my future. That is next week, tooth pulled out ( no doubt -as its agony), fail my coure with a big fat E, worse still today been told that the housing authorities :have changed the way we apply for flats and houses-have to wait till the 26/02 to bid. See my lawyer was rubbish. Im no bigger a priority than anyone elseSo I know now that this is going to take ages. I dont know where im going to be living. he treats me-well this is how I feel about him-hes put me in my place, under his shoe and walking on me everyday. i cant stand the way he ignores me and states"we are doing this amicbly" yet he diesnt do anything about anything and is waiting for me ( and only me ) to go . The children have even said to him"we dont want to live with you" I could go on, but im really upset this morning, I thought that maybe it was a flat or a house vacancy that I was getting. Anyway, Im just up, got up to a completely messed up house andnow going to tidy up!!I know I go on and on, but getting out and trying to maintain any kind of decent living conditions and comfort for for my children almost seems impossible, and the more difficult he makes it the more hurt I feel. then I feel so alone, because no one seems to be able to really help me. The good news is, in my head im totaly ready to quit drink forever. This is what ive been doing-well did an essay on alcoholism and it really helped. googled the consequences, life expectancies in journals and allsorts . the most effective was the part when a patient starts to chuck up blood -totally freaked me out. The other wa to think about it-ifor me-are to think about the benefits of not doing it-like nice skin, hair , teeth, not smelly-in control the next day ok still abit low and tearful but thats not that bad. Though I dont know Im really worried ive still not got my period and its making me worry. I think ive been eating ok, still weigh my usual weight so no probs there, Ive nto done anything so must be stress related, eithe rthat or ive some horrible ill ness and im dying. I know as well that its not normal to sleep so much. Maybe I was deopressed -oh because i got secretly shopped 70% and aged at something over 40 odds and im only 33. That got me though found it funny to begin with.anyway, got to go. hope your keeping your chin up Gilbert. Im hoping that just as quick as it turned up on us the shadow of doom that shaped outr odies and climbed into us, will leave us as quick as it decided to visit us. Before I used to sy to myself "every little helps: I gave up on that for a while, but think its coming back to me"every little helps!

I dont know whether to visit my doctor about this-but Ive two parallell spots ( which ive had for an age) right bang in the midle of my nose. They are now so raw and red .Ive tried everything to get rid of them and nothing is working. It looks like a bite and nothing chappens if you squeeze them. One looks like blood and when you stretch it you can see theres stuff behing the blood.

Anyway, having a I feel ok, but think ing sweary word what am i to do?bee nfeeling so cold lately that all I want to do is sleep.

Gpt home to find an emal form my course - things are not looking good. Ive made a mess of one subject and have asked to be de registered due to other events etc...and I think everyone is angry with me. I can catch up , if they let me and if this is the only option, but I was hoping to take my time.

What if this bite thing on my nose is a tumour?

dont worry a lot honey , ....first of all does it hurt????


regards

Do you mena my course ???(lol) Or my bite thing right nang in the middle of my nose. I want a smiley face with crossed eyes here.....yeah....its hurts a little bit...Its really raw feeling...as if theres no skin left. (Obvioulsy there is or id be bleding al over the place.Now trying rosehip oil to see if it will take the redness down.

How are you?

Ok, Im just going to rant because id quite like to smash up a few things of his. Hes left for work, Just gets up midday, leaves for work , leaves dirty dishes, like a child, clothes in the living room ( jumpers etc) and im still picking up after my own children. Ive no money -just enough for one train fair through to Glasgow, as I need to hand some stuff in. Ok, then theres this I walk in his room, and I see my old things just damaged and all his dirty laundry all over the floor and , worse boxes, there are cardboard boxes everywhere-oh theyve been ther for an age-but I just wonder how anyone can sleep like that at night. I keep getting the odd panic, even just standing doing the dishes. Made me look quite relaxed at the dentists yesterday ( haha!)and I cant get warm , Im constantly cold...im about to go finish tidying up now, but I just get so angry-how did I get in this mess? Are all men like this-I mean I know about them being messy etc, but how can anyone just carry on regardless, and when I mentioned about the housing situation, he said -this is what he sadi"I know youll have a long wait as theres nothing in the bidding thingy " What?????? God, he could just move into his dads around the corner. Its horrible. I dont know who to hate more, me or him!

How is everyone? Sorry , Ive come to rant about me-Ive such a headache, feature, my face looks absolutely yuck! How unlucky can one person be? My hair is wrecked! Children been driving me round the bend. Ive been sleeping more and more, but it doesnt seem to fdo me much good, sorry I knkow im bleeting on about me and there are worse scenarios in the world-Hiati being on eof them! I feel a bit sombifid come 3 in the afternoon. i had a conversation with my boss yesterday about why i dont work full time..hmmm? Dont know about that one. Ex is still hanging around, In fact I dont thin k hes well , and worse I dont even care, I feel like Im getting to an irrational boiled point where I might do something I might regret...I can feel the anger and upset and its freaking me a little, But at least if I know its there I want do anything about it. Im fed up others judging me, telling me what to do ...this is how you should live your life-when the truth is , theses people dont know a thing about what my life is really like. Take this morning, I woke late, Last night the kids had been up late ..purely just chancing it....and eventually they settle at about 11 at night.and of course neither of them couldnt get up this morning. Anyway, so I get them ready fro schoool , make breakfast , all the usual..and then the younger one started to kick off about water, or something, so I had to find the flask etc, I started to loose it a bit...as we were going to be late, so I snapped a little told her to get the water from teh canteen....okay crapp mum leaves with the goirls...and me, ( c**p mum walks downthe stairs) she runs back up the stairs all determined to get her flask.. he gets up, gives me a dirty look, and hands her the water, Fair enough....but you know what, Ive just realised that most parents get up with the children together , sit down and have breakfast together, help the children get organised,Its not left to one person doing the doing all the time, is it? That is, Not if he/she is in the house. I think Id feel really guilty , lying in my comfortable bed, listening to the parades in the morning.Maybe thats just a mums perspective.Is it?

My stomach has decided to play games.

I keep having dreams and discussions with dead relatives of mine-and as its happening so much, Im worried its becoming my new home. Anyway, got to go, Ive a lone parents back to work meeting today. Have to discuss everything with advisor...god only knows whats going to happen. and worse my flute broke..well the bottom part is all stretched and keeps falling off.so Im going to go and sell it. Hope you all are doing better, sorry for the moans, Take care

Grrrrr! Got home form work and received an letter from a member of my family-trying to stick oars in -where they are not wanted. Ive been i ntears by is, as when you read it , it suggests my daugter is malajusted. she is not. She is very popular and very much loved here, in this neighbourhood, here by both parents, at school, very outgoing and socialable, and very clever too. idf she has a problem she is open enough with me to tell me-that I dont mind. But I do mind and interfering ............grrr , who only sees me so many times a year , who haasnt got a clue whats been going on in my life for the past 6 months, who only have a small tiny miniscule tip of the iceberg image of my parenting skills, Sorry, but god I am angery and upset. I dont know anyone who would even dare have the audacity to criticise parenting skills, You dont go there-especially when trying to re create your life. Im sorry but this was harsh and no thank you very much. I do not think that my child will have the disrespect to be jumping into bed with several million billionn men . WTF God. This person is not even a parent -sorry but grrr!!! Im going demented. Feel hurt.Cant believe anyone would even waist there time putting pen to paper about that. We were what was to my children an unknown enviroment-ie) it was not home, it tkaes them some time to adjust, esp the younger one. Grrrr!!!! Why do I let little things get to me so much??????? Anyway, I read my mother it, and she thought it was a comic show-she was in hysterics.( wish I could react to this lie that) But I do take it seriously, because as a parent its is an important role, but believe me, I ewill be bweside my children ALL THEIR LIVES.

I dont know how I am still alive!Ive had stomach cramps all day-feel like I deserve them though. Ok, well dear diary, Im going to share this with the rest of whoever feels like they can be bothered reading. Yes-Im still fizzing, Im so angry-I need support, not a bloody slap in the face from people that I thought could support me.Sodding stupid world. Had the stomach cramps all day at work, even was crying about it at work -for what its worth -it isnt worth a single tear. Mum has been in stitches since she read ( what I am about to post, and my sister has been in stitches, but cant believe this......

This is from my stepmum ( who I see maybe 2xs a year-huh-and I should be blessed)

"Hi ( My name)/ Read this away from the kidds ( not a typoo) by the way. Let me say first that we enjoyed the visitand would like to see you all more often.

However, I feel i have to write this. i was going to say this but didnt want to make the visit all trauma.

Your dad will be thinking about your situation. But there is something i noticed which is willing your controle. Its the huge diffetrence between how much you have cuddles with Becca etc and Alex. Alex I noticed can get a cold response from you( whar a lot of c**p, by the way-perhaps, alex had broken something which she was told not to touch at the time-bloody hell-woman!!!!!!)Anyway ...from you when she trys to give you a cuddle.

There is 2years between them not much difference in even a little girls life, youshould take the initive with Alex. This is important. As she hits the teen years a wee girl looking for affection is not a good thing. who knows where she might find it.( <y opinion-what a vloody ridiculous equation!!!!)Try to make small change to put you in the proper position as her mum. Email me to say what you think


FFS, FO!!!!!!!!! Screamed at dad down the ringer. Not going back. Told him that I am not happy about her analysing my eveery move. Told him that he hasnt got a clue about me or my relationships with my girls and told him to back off, and that what has she got children??? Because from where I am standing my daughter is a very beatiful bright little gril who I adore and they have different needs. It wasnt my stepmum that ttook the younger one to speech therapy was it?????? It wasnt her that gave birth or that cleans up after them and at least I nkow this and another thing the younger one demands that I cuddle her and gets jealous if I cuddle anyone or anything else, and that even includes lamposts, not that my stepmum even has a scooby ddoo about me cuddling lamposts or seeking any help....why has she done this?????? I cant bekllieve thias???? I feel its weird and I feel its such a bad time to be throwing out advice what is ashe another psychiatrist. They are all the flipping same. Grrrr!!! I could go on...and oooooo yeeah ....huh....is any wonder my mum did what she did when I was little? NO!!!!!! Its not a wonder. My dad knew she was sending this, just didnt know about the content...told me to calm down and read the letter when I was calmer...Im still not calm, and im never ever going there ever again. FO, I dont need thesse people in my life. Leave me alone. Big f bullies!!!!!!!!

Oh god!!! Nearly threw up picking the girls up from school again. Got a cold and pain in low right back, Refilling out another application form. Dont know what im doing!

Ok! I think Im getting better-slowly. to be honest, I think the best way is to tackle everything, at my own pace. Im no expert. In fact, if one day i could say, i am what I want to be and where I want to be, I think Id be happy=but like my bestest friend said, we can all search too hard, too much of the time. true! because you can get out your tunnel of darkness and despair and then something awful happens, keeping you out of it, Testing you all the way, I think thats so true. but we all need the energy to do that too-wouldnt you or anyone whose reading agree? I know what im trying to say, Im just not making it clearly!

Ive accpeted the facts that this is finished. That this is over. That I will always be scared and a little anxious regardless of what or how I behave) alittle-perhaps, puts it mildly. I mean , yesterday i thought I was going to konk out. but at the other end, Im fighting, Im fighting for my rights as I see fit.Plus, ive been sleeping so much that I dont think a normal functioning human being would see it fit-but im managing.

Things are either going to go one way or the other. A) I flunk , which I think Ive done allready. ( but I can resit-im justnot going to tell people-not quit the fight! B) I wish hed just move out, accept it-be more grown up about it ( I know thats not going to happen. C) I want my housing company to help me, not pass the buck so may research what my MP could do! Ill see, Im reaching desperate point, but for some reason, appear calm, and okay about things. i donot wish to seek revenge of any kind.That would only damage my girls moreso!

Im still really upset about hte letter I received from my stepmum, but I know deep down , its nonsense! It just pisses me off, and I know my dad was angry when I read the content out-still I think its a weird strange thing to do. What? i should right back and note...i couldnt help but notice how much money you took from my father and how much you made him act in a manner that was out of his own comfort zone. ( I know my dad wouldnt do these things without her bossing her about-at the same time I know shes a lot of fun, but really i am really upset. Its always been this way. they met when I was 18 so she never really got to know me that weel, but I always liked and respected her opinions , up till now! i cant help but feel something else is going on! Anyway, my diary is full to the brim and I have gfrown a big lump on my finger from writing, pc dont get my worth!

Good morning people. I feel ok today. Got a cold though-but its not so bad-just isnt helping my gut aches, and I had a bout of total green runs-it was like a chemical from a hairderssers-soory , thats yuck! So I took girls to school, had a really interesting conversation with a friend about men and their egos. Went back to bed as I couldnt get warm, Up now and feeling a bit like me. Not had an anxious im going to be sick attack, in nearly 2 days( Thats good for me). I am getting anxious about my results though-I dont think I can handle anymore bad news-and I think no news is good news...ah ah ah chew! Sniffle, scrathchie eyes, anyway, yes, so feeling a bit better. Thinking about my self determination , and that will kick in soon. I hope so I can just get on with things. Girls are expecting to move soon, so I need to get a move on with that as they tto are feeling totally insecure about not knowing where home is.

Hope everyone is well!

Everytime i sneeze now, blood comes out ( just a little bit) Eyes heavy, head heavy , tummy doing summer saults. Hopefully tommorow will be better. Got to get up at 6am ish, and get on with things.

Spoke to great nurse today, she actually makes me giggle about my life ( which is good!). For instance, I say owe maybe its not that nad..then she highlights about the whats good about it situation-ended up leaving and giggling to myself, ( She so right)

Keep thinking this is swine flu, I hope its not as my cat could catch it ) lol) my cat before the children o.O :$ Well, its just the last time I was ill, he cuddled me and then caught caliche, cosy about 150 pounds to sort. Hope you people are all right.

awe, so sorry to bleet on about me me me-Im having a really down day. Im really worried about my health now.

I had to get up at 5am to get the girls sorted for school and to be in class for 9 in the morning. i still managed to be late. I took ages to walk to the train station and had a really strange funny turn-I felt a force to walk home , immediately followed by the wind sailing me towards the train. Some woman asked if I was okay as I clung onto a wall at around 730 in the morning. I thought I was going to faint. id been absolutely fine unti that point. i did worry aboutit happening from time to time ( which I know doesnt help) Hopefully its just my cold thats caused this and im not going back the way.

Owe yeah, I sat down in class and sat beside a post doc student. there are thousand ( okay slight exaggeration) but omg. There must be around 50 people doing the course. anyway, I sat down beside this woman who too live in this city and lives right next door to one of my good frineds who knows my youngest daughters, and shares the same gp surgery -it was bizarre, Then spoke to a couple of really upbeat mental mad happy go lucky post doc students that made me nearly pee my pants with laughter. That was good and I cant wait to meet them next eeek. Motivation to get up at 530 ( yawn!). Then I was mooping about ended up in the disney store , felt guilty for not being with the girls so bought them a toy each ( they need toys like I need clothes!)

Next , we were sitting in the undergraduates lecture theatre doing abnormal-and omg there were millions of students.Ive never seen anything like it. It makes me wonder how on earth we are all going to get on with our careers. Ok then paniced about my marks, went to check if theyd been put somewhere I didnt knw about- but there not out yet ( thank god) I reallly do not think I will have passed.

Later I had to collect kids form work . The train home was mobbed and couldnt see any of my friend commuters. I reckon they all buggered off to the oub, afterall it is a Friday-Im jealous! Got home about 6ish. Found a nice email form a tutor but dont know wether to take it personally or if it as targeted at everyone and if it si does that mean weve all passed. Confused by it!

Stomach has been cramped all day and i didnt eat a thing until I got home with the girls. came home to a pile -rather a stack of dishes like a school canteens after lunch hour, to do. Ive just got so much to do, but talking to another student who is a single mum -she gave me some fabbie advise and told me to just make moves-and that decorating will just be so much fu when I finally do move out. Anyway, hope youve all had a better day than me. Im hoping that wasnt a panic attack and im just a little weak from sneezing and coughing so much . Please tell me thats all it is!

Take care eveyrone!