Ive suddently aged. I lokk near 50!
This is not so good. his mum has been taken into hospital and it sounds pretty bad!
I could go on about this situation-but when It was my mum I zoomed in.
Hmm....I wonder if when I took baclofen that its caused my to collect those little cyst things as I seem to b putting weight on and it would explain the lumpy bits in my boobs-not taken that to any medical professional .Theyll probably argue that it couldnt have but I dont believe them.
Does anyone have any cures for joint pain???
Must go. Taking little one out to buy some tartan and give her a lovely day as the eldest has a big perty!
This is not so good. his mum has been taken into hospital and it sounds pretty bad!
I could go on about this situation-but when It was my mum I zoomed in.
Hmm....I wonder if when I took baclofen that its caused my to collect those little cyst things as I seem to b putting weight on and it would explain the lumpy bits in my boobs-not taken that to any medical professional .Theyll probably argue that it couldnt have but I dont believe them.
Does anyone have any cures for joint pain???
Must go. Taking little one out to buy some tartan and give her a lovely day as the eldest has a big perty!
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What is that pain in my side? Its right above my hip and its not going away-its getting worse as the days go by.
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I dont know! I feel ok today-apart from the fact I died my hair and its awful!
Im really worried / To be honest, I dont know what Im doing!
Where do I go from here!
I think his mum may well be dying_im worried for her. i used to get on with her-but theres more to tell and Im worried how my girls may take bad news.
I am chiked with the cold! No biggie there I always seem to have a cold!
Im just really very lonely and Im going to get lonelier.
My daughter who will be ten in two weeks-is really clever-and her body is startiing to change. I knwo my Alex, and I know when theres a problem or not -shell just talk to me ( thats good-and I love her for it, but Im worried for the younger one) Its not that we are not close, we are close, but I think shes really insecure and people have been teasing her about her being behind in reading , yet I know she has a very clever way of thinking! I dont want to go get her tested for dyslexia-but I think she may be a little bit ( pff-who isnt)
Ive not looked at my essay. The last time I did an essay appparently it varied from fifty five percent to a seventy five ercent-that just shows that when im pissed I can still pass-or does it show that when im drunk -though I wouldnt call it drunk-because wine doesnt really make me hyper or angry-its the other things going on. I mean yes, i was cuddling lamposts and so forth and having really terrible paic-)I hate hospitals) but in a way wish they took me in to find the reall problem) Ive been having massive seizures at night time..I dont just mean tremor like stuff-a little shake here or there-I mean going to the lou and finding myself convulsing-drugs or no drgus. Ive been really tires lately without due call..A couple of my toe nails have fallen off, and one toe has become really dry ...and ive a bruise on the base of my right foot which has gone so green -it looks like gang green!
Im feeling really destraught about my bosy image to - and all I could think was take some laxatives. i ought a box ) stupidly on impulse) but really I do not want them -but I do I just want to feel ok again about myself ..I know that sound really abhorrent abnoxious even , but I just have this need, Im trying not as Im having really bad indigestion problems, and even though iv eput on tons of weight-its almost not about that. Even though I know Im vain-but cant see well enough to be-its not about that. i dont knoww hat it is- why would i possibly want to crippl emyslef again- i dont know-why?Its not pleasnat pretty or nice, in fact to me its digusting, but its so hidden no one knows , know one knows that id do it and yet, I dont like it-it makes my anxiety ( doh!) tens time worse, but it stops me thinking abou things, I just hav eto deal with that. You n know? S o I dont have an anxiety attack in the street- this sounds of the ball bearing hon) I know it is! Its trange I wouldnt even go to the extent of desribing myself as an alcoholic-that how I deal with my emotions. to me an alcoholic is someone who has given up and drinks and is so narcissitic that they justr really coulfnt give a flying saucer... i do give ...but als..neither would I desrcribe myself with an ednos-normally ive a healthy appetite. I mean I miss meals quite regularly though pff by looking at me I look like an unhealthy junk fodd addict! Hmmm-Ive just pure and simply got to change..i was changing when my girls were yonf -you know banannas, fruit , yoghurts,,healthy stuff only- and obsessively it went on for a while, then I had my second baby . i sdont know what happened but its like I gave up on admiring healthiness!
I cant believe what my poor dads going through and he still manages to try and give me a break- thats admirable, but hmm im so confused because of what his wife did. Though, I even like her to bits-i still feel a little hurt-resentment.
Anyway, Im not a quitter even though ive provalimed to be-I did go through episdodes of wanting to end it-but not now...Now it is just anxiety-but im restless and very n edge! If I could just find away of funding my course-the future would seem somewhat brighter. I mightr even try and get a shelf stacking job throughout the night hours ...but really id like to wok in a ward or something -to be more helpful and to open my eyese to the real stuff- I dont mean to be so selfish either( which is my downfall) but part of me is wanting to hel others, I know I can ..Im okay at that, not grillliant though. Anayways. tomorrow ill try and recreate my notes form my dichtophone..I hope it works. take care all.
Im really worried / To be honest, I dont know what Im doing!
Where do I go from here!
I think his mum may well be dying_im worried for her. i used to get on with her-but theres more to tell and Im worried how my girls may take bad news.
I am chiked with the cold! No biggie there I always seem to have a cold!
Im just really very lonely and Im going to get lonelier.
My daughter who will be ten in two weeks-is really clever-and her body is startiing to change. I knwo my Alex, and I know when theres a problem or not -shell just talk to me ( thats good-and I love her for it, but Im worried for the younger one) Its not that we are not close, we are close, but I think shes really insecure and people have been teasing her about her being behind in reading , yet I know she has a very clever way of thinking! I dont want to go get her tested for dyslexia-but I think she may be a little bit ( pff-who isnt)
Ive not looked at my essay. The last time I did an essay appparently it varied from fifty five percent to a seventy five ercent-that just shows that when im pissed I can still pass-or does it show that when im drunk -though I wouldnt call it drunk-because wine doesnt really make me hyper or angry-its the other things going on. I mean yes, i was cuddling lamposts and so forth and having really terrible paic-)I hate hospitals) but in a way wish they took me in to find the reall problem) Ive been having massive seizures at night time..I dont just mean tremor like stuff-a little shake here or there-I mean going to the lou and finding myself convulsing-drugs or no drgus. Ive been really tires lately without due call..A couple of my toe nails have fallen off, and one toe has become really dry ...and ive a bruise on the base of my right foot which has gone so green -it looks like gang green!
Im feeling really destraught about my bosy image to - and all I could think was take some laxatives. i ought a box ) stupidly on impulse) but really I do not want them -but I do I just want to feel ok again about myself ..I know that sound really abhorrent abnoxious even , but I just have this need, Im trying not as Im having really bad indigestion problems, and even though iv eput on tons of weight-its almost not about that. Even though I know Im vain-but cant see well enough to be-its not about that. i dont knoww hat it is- why would i possibly want to crippl emyslef again- i dont know-why?Its not pleasnat pretty or nice, in fact to me its digusting, but its so hidden no one knows , know one knows that id do it and yet, I dont like it-it makes my anxiety ( doh!) tens time worse, but it stops me thinking abou things, I just hav eto deal with that. You n know? S o I dont have an anxiety attack in the street- this sounds of the ball bearing hon) I know it is! Its trange I wouldnt even go to the extent of desribing myself as an alcoholic-that how I deal with my emotions. to me an alcoholic is someone who has given up and drinks and is so narcissitic that they justr really coulfnt give a flying saucer... i do give ...but als..neither would I desrcribe myself with an ednos-normally ive a healthy appetite. I mean I miss meals quite regularly though pff by looking at me I look like an unhealthy junk fodd addict! Hmmm-Ive just pure and simply got to change..i was changing when my girls were yonf -you know banannas, fruit , yoghurts,,healthy stuff only- and obsessively it went on for a while, then I had my second baby . i sdont know what happened but its like I gave up on admiring healthiness!
I cant believe what my poor dads going through and he still manages to try and give me a break- thats admirable, but hmm im so confused because of what his wife did. Though, I even like her to bits-i still feel a little hurt-resentment.
Anyway, Im not a quitter even though ive provalimed to be-I did go through episdodes of wanting to end it-but not now...Now it is just anxiety-but im restless and very n edge! If I could just find away of funding my course-the future would seem somewhat brighter. I mightr even try and get a shelf stacking job throughout the night hours ...but really id like to wok in a ward or something -to be more helpful and to open my eyese to the real stuff- I dont mean to be so selfish either( which is my downfall) but part of me is wanting to hel others, I know I can ..Im okay at that, not grillliant though. Anayways. tomorrow ill try and recreate my notes form my dichtophone..I hope it works. take care all.
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I think im running on adrenaline again!
its strange the way things work.
My ex came back from the hopssssital and asked me in a kind tone"If I was okay"-really strange!
I asked him how things were, and according to him , it isnt so bad.His mum is poorly but hopefullly will recover.
Ive been doing my essy all day, ther are so many things that get my back up.. For instnce, how could any parent let a doctor diagnose a 2 yer old with ADHD and bipolar-maybe take the milk bottle of ribeena away-I dont know it makes no sense to me.
I hate my hair....ive dyed it a chestnut colour, in some lights it looks ginger, in other lights pink, and its so harsh I look like an ugly witch!
Anyways, I back at work tomorrow, and needing to apply for another job ( desperatlelt-I feel lie sucha failure.
Ive not been taking citalopram as I simply cant.I did get the bag of pills in , incase a lampost shoul coe near me- but im hoping thats over. I hope im right!
Hm, im so worried aboutmy essay , its btty and ive done so much work but much of it doesnt really fit for what I want to say. I truly disagree with diagnosing a 2 yr old with bipolar, and finding them 2 years down the line dead on the floor! Thats just massively wrong. How many lives has the dsm killled?
Its like my argument, if I were to take a drug such as antabuse, I proclaim myself a dysfunctional alcoholic, plus I cant drink..plus it teaches a person nothing except that they will always be an alcoholic-does anyone understand what im trying to say?. i think a real true alcoholic to be ont hat stuff, has to be unable to do anything, and it needs to be administered along with counseling, not wait for sobriety and then counseling. This drug was brought about in the 1970s, alongside the exclusive trephine experiments..Im not taking it-ever! It denies me a voice-and all it tells me is people are listening to my ex..they are listening to his negatives..and they even discount the fact that I may be bipolar. So many people have met me sober and have addressed this with me, and too make things worse they all seem to wonder why I wear several dresses. See, I dress normal when going to see my gp or any cpn, I also act and epxlain things in a rational matter-they dont see the home truths-not that i care- i wouldnt widsh them tooand I really dont want a label to be honest! Im not a guinea pig, or at a stage where I may quit but unlike ocd patients the sporadic spontaneous me may well happen! Who knows- really I quit with medalling in the community-if i get depressed agin-ill phone in sick and loose my job-really-the system either way you look at it fairs unspent for....In real terms I think the socail scientist and the doctor have to examine all posiibilities..Psychiatry seems a bit dated and to the patient untrustworthy. But medics with their latin language are! So i dont know what to do except learn some latin
its strange the way things work.
My ex came back from the hopssssital and asked me in a kind tone"If I was okay"-really strange!
I asked him how things were, and according to him , it isnt so bad.His mum is poorly but hopefullly will recover.
Ive been doing my essy all day, ther are so many things that get my back up.. For instnce, how could any parent let a doctor diagnose a 2 yer old with ADHD and bipolar-maybe take the milk bottle of ribeena away-I dont know it makes no sense to me.
I hate my hair....ive dyed it a chestnut colour, in some lights it looks ginger, in other lights pink, and its so harsh I look like an ugly witch!
Anyways, I back at work tomorrow, and needing to apply for another job ( desperatlelt-I feel lie sucha failure.
Ive not been taking citalopram as I simply cant.I did get the bag of pills in , incase a lampost shoul coe near me- but im hoping thats over. I hope im right!
Hm, im so worried aboutmy essay , its btty and ive done so much work but much of it doesnt really fit for what I want to say. I truly disagree with diagnosing a 2 yr old with bipolar, and finding them 2 years down the line dead on the floor! Thats just massively wrong. How many lives has the dsm killled?
Its like my argument, if I were to take a drug such as antabuse, I proclaim myself a dysfunctional alcoholic, plus I cant drink..plus it teaches a person nothing except that they will always be an alcoholic-does anyone understand what im trying to say?. i think a real true alcoholic to be ont hat stuff, has to be unable to do anything, and it needs to be administered along with counseling, not wait for sobriety and then counseling. This drug was brought about in the 1970s, alongside the exclusive trephine experiments..Im not taking it-ever! It denies me a voice-and all it tells me is people are listening to my ex..they are listening to his negatives..and they even discount the fact that I may be bipolar. So many people have met me sober and have addressed this with me, and too make things worse they all seem to wonder why I wear several dresses. See, I dress normal when going to see my gp or any cpn, I also act and epxlain things in a rational matter-they dont see the home truths-not that i care- i wouldnt widsh them tooand I really dont want a label to be honest! Im not a guinea pig, or at a stage where I may quit but unlike ocd patients the sporadic spontaneous me may well happen! Who knows- really I quit with medalling in the community-if i get depressed agin-ill phone in sick and loose my job-really-the system either way you look at it fairs unspent for....In real terms I think the socail scientist and the doctor have to examine all posiibilities..Psychiatry seems a bit dated and to the patient untrustworthy. But medics with their latin language are! So i dont know what to do except learn some latin
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Theres just no way out!
Im fed up comlaining about my situation- as I was right all along! Theres no way out- the only way for me, is to be an independaent, take care of my children when I can, and thats that!
Theres no social housing to be had!
Its been so long now and Ive avoided him so much they we actually live our lives like ships passing each other-which is fine..But its not fine money wise/ He is still cruel . ive an essay due to hand in on thursday. I came homw from work and mangaged a nap-but my stomach has been terrible because of what I did to myself. Anyway, he hogged the computer. I finshed studying at about 7pm..Id only had a three hour bash at it-but now Im just too tired and worried aout everything-I cant face it!
Also, holding it together for the children, no arguments or violence of any kind recently-except for the s abuse the other weekend-it made me gag and vomit-though I let him so its not really that-but I didnt let him. Thats just to difficult to explain. I just do not like it -and he knew that but continued to get what hw wanted!
Maybe it is me missunderstanding things-but i dont think so!
I really just dont care anymore-I have to survive and I have o survive in a relatively ok place for the girls-I cant be moody or bad tempered around them -though im so shattered my knees , wrist and neck ache.
I really dont wish to go back to my doctors or anyone now regarding anyof this. i dont-I want to be left alone to make my own mind up about everything!
its strange. i look back and I used to be so close to his outside family-now I cant talk to them! In away I feel like Ive been brainwashed by other peo[les opinions. Truthfully , this I know isnt happiness for me-but truthfully wil i ever be understood and happy? That makes me question whether there is a point to any of it.
I dont cook for him, clean hishseets iron his clothes or naything. Iam just a childminder in his eyes-but my childrens parent in my eyes and their eyes. I hate power and control. I hate superficial people making quick judgements and not knkowing a thing about me. I dont know why however I feel better-I dont feel so closed in . before It was like -well it was this ( what was the point talking to anyone-I was never important never heard, Now it as though i dont care if I,m being heard or not-I dont care so much what others think of me-thats a good thing-though I hate my new hair colour. it doesnt suit me and I look like an eveil witch!
Ok, his mum is stilll ill-stil in hospital They havent even bothered to put her in a ward! Its worrying-but its okay . he seems okay so far about it-but um scared, im scared it will make him angry and Ill become a refuge! I know that sounds truly selfish-but I do know what he can be like-at the same time I understand it too!
Anyway, I must go before my memory stick burns out. take care everyone! hope al is well-and ima bit happier as I got my sixe 8 trousers on without having to breathe in.
Im fed up comlaining about my situation- as I was right all along! Theres no way out- the only way for me, is to be an independaent, take care of my children when I can, and thats that!
Theres no social housing to be had!
Its been so long now and Ive avoided him so much they we actually live our lives like ships passing each other-which is fine..But its not fine money wise/ He is still cruel . ive an essay due to hand in on thursday. I came homw from work and mangaged a nap-but my stomach has been terrible because of what I did to myself. Anyway, he hogged the computer. I finshed studying at about 7pm..Id only had a three hour bash at it-but now Im just too tired and worried aout everything-I cant face it!
Also, holding it together for the children, no arguments or violence of any kind recently-except for the s abuse the other weekend-it made me gag and vomit-though I let him so its not really that-but I didnt let him. Thats just to difficult to explain. I just do not like it -and he knew that but continued to get what hw wanted!
Maybe it is me missunderstanding things-but i dont think so!
I really just dont care anymore-I have to survive and I have o survive in a relatively ok place for the girls-I cant be moody or bad tempered around them -though im so shattered my knees , wrist and neck ache.
I really dont wish to go back to my doctors or anyone now regarding anyof this. i dont-I want to be left alone to make my own mind up about everything!
its strange. i look back and I used to be so close to his outside family-now I cant talk to them! In away I feel like Ive been brainwashed by other peo[les opinions. Truthfully , this I know isnt happiness for me-but truthfully wil i ever be understood and happy? That makes me question whether there is a point to any of it.
I dont cook for him, clean hishseets iron his clothes or naything. Iam just a childminder in his eyes-but my childrens parent in my eyes and their eyes. I hate power and control. I hate superficial people making quick judgements and not knkowing a thing about me. I dont know why however I feel better-I dont feel so closed in . before It was like -well it was this ( what was the point talking to anyone-I was never important never heard, Now it as though i dont care if I,m being heard or not-I dont care so much what others think of me-thats a good thing-though I hate my new hair colour. it doesnt suit me and I look like an eveil witch!
Ok, his mum is stilll ill-stil in hospital They havent even bothered to put her in a ward! Its worrying-but its okay . he seems okay so far about it-but um scared, im scared it will make him angry and Ill become a refuge! I know that sounds truly selfish-but I do know what he can be like-at the same time I understand it too!
Anyway, I must go before my memory stick burns out. take care everyone! hope al is well-and ima bit happier as I got my sixe 8 trousers on without having to breathe in.
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Physically I dont really feel very well. everything is aching. Emotionally - I havent got a clue-eceot I hate my hair!
Pff.Iknow I type here like a looney, but my arguments are majorly backed, but really badly written and disorganised.Is there anyone who can help me ? My new degreee is costing me 4 grand and Ive no means of supporting it- but continue to study as if its free ( weel the jelp Im gettin -im thinking it god weel should be!) Idont get it-thers this thing they say"at this level"and thenmore and I dont get it because if ever I put an effort in to anything id get a mark of over 80 percent, if Ididnt it would be because Id probaly be pissed, visiting my paps in hosp. or trying to help my bf who is now dead. My bf had anorexia-god I dont want to share her story-but she was absolutely beaytiful in every way.If Id beeen a man I would have married her adn cared for her.I miss her. I go to the old uni and yes ther are changes-but it soesnt stop me thinking about her. She was so bad she was put into a bupa hopsital . Ivisited her a lot, and sheliked my visits-she was always open and hionest and really funny with me! The truth be told , n front of her , I felt disugusting fat and ashamed-but would do sod all about it. She worked so hard and ahe did!
I miss her, her preety lface evrything about her was exceptionally beatiful- I do remeber loosing liots of weight when grandad died, but she lost her granda through a heart attack -I think it thorugh her-plus she was going out with a guy that she loved but knew it wasnt for her. she was guilt riiden byendng it-then she went out with some maniac poser ) who I dliove to kick his ass in) Because I know what happened! Anyway, now I havew 2 children with healthy appetites,but i miss my friend so much! She was brilliant from day one, from movimg into halls and kissing parents goodbye too taing care and responsibility. Why i it she is dead- what happened?
Pff.Iknow I type here like a looney, but my arguments are majorly backed, but really badly written and disorganised.Is there anyone who can help me ? My new degreee is costing me 4 grand and Ive no means of supporting it- but continue to study as if its free ( weel the jelp Im gettin -im thinking it god weel should be!) Idont get it-thers this thing they say"at this level"and thenmore and I dont get it because if ever I put an effort in to anything id get a mark of over 80 percent, if Ididnt it would be because Id probaly be pissed, visiting my paps in hosp. or trying to help my bf who is now dead. My bf had anorexia-god I dont want to share her story-but she was absolutely beaytiful in every way.If Id beeen a man I would have married her adn cared for her.I miss her. I go to the old uni and yes ther are changes-but it soesnt stop me thinking about her. She was so bad she was put into a bupa hopsital . Ivisited her a lot, and sheliked my visits-she was always open and hionest and really funny with me! The truth be told , n front of her , I felt disugusting fat and ashamed-but would do sod all about it. She worked so hard and ahe did!
I miss her, her preety lface evrything about her was exceptionally beatiful- I do remeber loosing liots of weight when grandad died, but she lost her granda through a heart attack -I think it thorugh her-plus she was going out with a guy that she loved but knew it wasnt for her. she was guilt riiden byendng it-then she went out with some maniac poser ) who I dliove to kick his ass in) Because I know what happened! Anyway, now I havew 2 children with healthy appetites,but i miss my friend so much! She was brilliant from day one, from movimg into halls and kissing parents goodbye too taing care and responsibility. Why i it she is dead- what happened?
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Hate my hair and have sore pain..and fed up and not finished coursework and freezing and not been to gbed for ages..I never went to bed last hight-couldnt be bothered! har argument with ex and then stsyed up and ate the fridge, then couldnt sleep!
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Ive got to say ive been in difficult situations before, but this time its no longer egg shells I walk on, its a very fine slippery thread and its about to snap at any given moment!
My children have gone to my mums -they were al happy and good( and i ve never slepped so much. But then the phone rang-bad news. his mum has shaddows showing on her liver and her lungs-and iknow tonight there was some bad news and he elft thehouse shedding some water!
Its a little worrying to say the least!
This isnt really ( and I kow how bloddy slefidsh of me) but this isnt whats got me down( at least- i dont think it is!).
To be honest-I have no clue. I thought sleeping would sort it-but im not myself-I dont even want to drink , i cant bebothered!
I was screaming at my children earlier this m orning. there room looked like it had been burgalled ten times over, I couldnt open the door to get in. i went beserk at them adn I was screaming in rage-but really my screaming and balling and shouting -really it was for want for someone to come and help me-my children really hadnt done anything wrong! I ended up soaking in the bath for a few hours, then sobbing then lay donw on the toilet floor. i didnt want to move. Physically, and instead of havong no appetite i seemed to uncontrollably gorge-its disgusting! Having said that-on account of what I think a gorge is I ate 3 meals today. Toast for breakfast , soup for lunch and a curry for tea-which for me is really really good. i rarely eat three meals a day-mind you im trying to get rid of a pain in my left side and the fact that even though I hadnt been eating I was till pilling on the weigh tI just thought sod it, whats the point not eating! Not that I dont eat deliberately -its more or more usual just for me to struggle with food-especially if its bif fttie stuff. god why am i going on about that.
Im sweating loads and just want my children back so I can feel a bit more safe! Its all so selfish I have to do something about itI really do! I just and I know I never will be the same again, but i just want a sense of my dignified self back , and not have to worry. One thing and Im hoping this is a good thing is I dont have to see my doctor for some time, and I dont have to go back to that drinks clinic, and th other goos thingis ive not had a fulllblown panicin a while so maybe im just getting better=or maybe ive just got so much on that I dont have time to come out of automatic-I dont know!!1 Anyway, Im going to hide my mums easter surprise to get her back for hiding my childrens surprises on sunday -something to have a giggle about! I misss grandads at this time of year, we used to go to Lpch lomomd and go to the arrochar caves, and roll eggs, and seek out bats( not that we ever did find any)anyway, must go befirei forfet to finish essay. I dont know I ve chosen to do person centred approach for my esay but rehretting that as cbt is far more popular for the old job front-hmmm, Id love to do emdr but apparently only true professionals are allowed pants! It interested because of my swinging lampost scenarios-what if the lampost had been moving and only I could sense itbecause myeyes are so bad? Lol) or what if -thats the other thing no one tells you about yuor auditory senses when having a panic attack-whenever I had one I went right into myself-when I was screaming for someone to help me- probably no one could hear me-just me alone very loudly..right thats enough of that ...got to go-maybe things happen for a reason-who only knows. Im behinning now to think life can just be unlucky for some and lucky for others wiithout the idea that what goes around comes around ) does that phrase not just come from those that have had std?) Makes sense to me! okay going..
My children have gone to my mums -they were al happy and good( and i ve never slepped so much. But then the phone rang-bad news. his mum has shaddows showing on her liver and her lungs-and iknow tonight there was some bad news and he elft thehouse shedding some water!
Its a little worrying to say the least!
This isnt really ( and I kow how bloddy slefidsh of me) but this isnt whats got me down( at least- i dont think it is!).
To be honest-I have no clue. I thought sleeping would sort it-but im not myself-I dont even want to drink , i cant bebothered!
I was screaming at my children earlier this m orning. there room looked like it had been burgalled ten times over, I couldnt open the door to get in. i went beserk at them adn I was screaming in rage-but really my screaming and balling and shouting -really it was for want for someone to come and help me-my children really hadnt done anything wrong! I ended up soaking in the bath for a few hours, then sobbing then lay donw on the toilet floor. i didnt want to move. Physically, and instead of havong no appetite i seemed to uncontrollably gorge-its disgusting! Having said that-on account of what I think a gorge is I ate 3 meals today. Toast for breakfast , soup for lunch and a curry for tea-which for me is really really good. i rarely eat three meals a day-mind you im trying to get rid of a pain in my left side and the fact that even though I hadnt been eating I was till pilling on the weigh tI just thought sod it, whats the point not eating! Not that I dont eat deliberately -its more or more usual just for me to struggle with food-especially if its bif fttie stuff. god why am i going on about that.
Im sweating loads and just want my children back so I can feel a bit more safe! Its all so selfish I have to do something about itI really do! I just and I know I never will be the same again, but i just want a sense of my dignified self back , and not have to worry. One thing and Im hoping this is a good thing is I dont have to see my doctor for some time, and I dont have to go back to that drinks clinic, and th other goos thingis ive not had a fulllblown panicin a while so maybe im just getting better=or maybe ive just got so much on that I dont have time to come out of automatic-I dont know!!1 Anyway, Im going to hide my mums easter surprise to get her back for hiding my childrens surprises on sunday -something to have a giggle about! I misss grandads at this time of year, we used to go to Lpch lomomd and go to the arrochar caves, and roll eggs, and seek out bats( not that we ever did find any)anyway, must go befirei forfet to finish essay. I dont know I ve chosen to do person centred approach for my esay but rehretting that as cbt is far more popular for the old job front-hmmm, Id love to do emdr but apparently only true professionals are allowed pants! It interested because of my swinging lampost scenarios-what if the lampost had been moving and only I could sense itbecause myeyes are so bad? Lol) or what if -thats the other thing no one tells you about yuor auditory senses when having a panic attack-whenever I had one I went right into myself-when I was screaming for someone to help me- probably no one could hear me-just me alone very loudly..right thats enough of that ...got to go-maybe things happen for a reason-who only knows. Im behinning now to think life can just be unlucky for some and lucky for others wiithout the idea that what goes around comes around ) does that phrase not just come from those that have had std?) Makes sense to me! okay going..
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Actually, with everything going on - no one deserves what he is going through-I wouldnt wish it on my own worst enemy, nevermind my chidrens dad!
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Im sure im mad, my responses to thing sare not right. heres was me worrying and so forth, I tired to speak to him when he came home. he came hom ereally drunk then told me he had been out with his girlfriend, and that his mum ................
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This pain in my side is making me feel ill.. I went to visit a friend and had to leave as I thought I was hgoing to be sick.. I thought it was just my imagination but its still there and I cant explain what it feels like1
Atmosphere here, its a nightmare.!
Atmosphere here, its a nightmare.!
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Hi Katy! Happy Easter! I know I had to step away, but I still read your comments! I'm just wondering when are you going to have enough of all of this?! Why can't you get your own place with social services!? You are sick because of the air in that house! I just want you to stop thinking of yourself as a failure and defining yourself as one and start thinking about getting the hell out of there! I can't believe it's been almost a year and nothing has changed! You HAVE to push Social Services to help you out, and have no more excuses for getting better! Anyway sorry for putting my 2 cents in, but I have read all of your comments, and it just breaks my heart that you can't reach out and demand better for yourself!
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Ouch! happy easter Dawn!
definately going to have to get them invovled now-but really not feeling well. Cant get rid of pain!
Exs mum has suspected tumours. I got upset as iM not allowed to see her and I have some good memeries. She is going for a biopsy on tuesday on her lungs and liver
Life just gets better-not!!!
@ more essays and one exam to go and Illl be halfway!
Hope youre havong a good easter. i got the girls new bedding instead of easter ggs as they get so many the choclate goes of and tastes abit green by christmas!
I hope your good-I read somewhere that you too were taking cit-how are you coping with it?
Hope your good!
definately going to have to get them invovled now-but really not feeling well. Cant get rid of pain!
Exs mum has suspected tumours. I got upset as iM not allowed to see her and I have some good memeries. She is going for a biopsy on tuesday on her lungs and liver
Life just gets better-not!!!
@ more essays and one exam to go and Illl be halfway!
Hope youre havong a good easter. i got the girls new bedding instead of easter ggs as they get so many the choclate goes of and tastes abit green by christmas!
I hope your good-I read somewhere that you too were taking cit-how are you coping with it?
Hope your good!
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Lots going on with my health and the boys health! I just am worried about you and want you to demand more for yourself! So who has banned you from seeing his mom? That is a HUGE sign isn't it! He has you TOTALLY out of his life, and now it's time for you to do the same honey! I know you are probably not ready, BUT when his mom passes away you WILL GET all the c**p from him! And you don't deserve any of it! You are physically ill all the time from his toxicity and the toxicity of the place you are in - both physically and emotionally! I just want you and the girls to be out on your own! You might panic that you are on your "own" but you are now aren't you? The only thing is, you wont have anyone telling you how awful your are OR making your feel like nothing - which he seems to enjoy! Don't molly codle this guy Katy! He doesn't deserve your sympathy! You can't be a slave to his family - his dad coming over and you making dinner, his mom being sick and you having to walk around on egg shells! There is this woman her in Canada that won half of a $40 million jackpot! Her ex husband - jus tbeen divorced 4 months - left her BROKEN - both financially and emotionally! She had $4 left in her purse and to her name! She went and bought a ticket and WHAM she won! The press asked her if she had any words to say to her ex she said "SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!" XD XD XD Everyone is talking about this! It was one of the best lines EVER! And in your case it DOES "Suck to be him!" this isn't you Katy - thus you being so ill! You know you deserve better, but he will NEVER give you that! That's all I want to say to you! YOU DESERVE MORE Than him! Next time he complains say "Sucks to be you!" XD
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