I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

This is never ending. A total nightmare. we are at the stage of nil cooperation /comunication.Im paniced because ive just found out a good friend of mine has lost her children due to alcoholism and grrrr, mental issues! Really though who has the mental health issues??????

He really believes that I should be the one to get out here. Its really damaging! My children have stated they want to be with me( this is sh*t!) but he states that I am an incompetent fearful mess, that drinks too much!. Im trying not too drink , but its a tiotal nightmare and I feel like the world is against me.

My mum speaks to me and is really controlling.
My boss tries to give me advice-which is meaningless to me as I have enough on my plate. I think looking after my girls, splittin gup with this guy , taking on my msc and working part time is enough!( Thats good stuff , but I guess I feel at the bottome of the bottom of the botoom of the bottom of the pitts-and I scream and scream for someone to come and help me, but either they are all deaf or my screams cannot be heard. I nkow there are far and bigger and worse things going on in people lives-ui dont know if that why I find going through to Glasow so difficult-sometimes it just reminds me off the really hard times-but also reminds me of the really good times( which are worrying because both good and bad involve alcohol!)

Though having said all that , i saw a glimpse of happinnes last weekend and wanted to shift that empty space out my head and stomach and filll it with inner happiness, so im going to buy some glow in the dark Fimo ( as I am just a big child ) and bake some glow in the dark fimo models-What a plan!

Hmm, might do an essay on self harm next-I dont know though-how do you define self harm? I mean, getting out of bed could be defined as self harm just a slying in bed and collecting bed sores could be self harm, alcoholism eating fuull stop , the human nation are blowing themselves up, self harm and peer group pressures, taking canabis, slshing rists, not across the way but up and down, I dont know battering your head off a brick waal, anorexia, could be described as this and staving yourslef, playing computer games over and over, getting addictied to cleanliness. OPkay im goijng now!

Im bored!...running up that road, running up that hill, running out that building.ohooohohoooo.

Hmmm so not sure about antabuse. Spoje to a friend last night who throw up his way through the stuff then got hospitalised. So dont think I am ready.

Ive been put in my place again -yes-so just typing , listening to two figure sby a fountain, by Dario Narineli.

Once im out of this , remind me never to ever go into another relationship. This isnt nice!

The more I read about disifuram the more I think that its cruel. Its like caging a bird up!!!!

I read that is can cause anixety panic, hyperventilation, nomiting, nausea throbbing pain in the NECK and the head.......this sounds the same as my anxiety...and it sounds like someone is strangling another again. Im liking this very much. Its all very well assuming that I dont want to take it because that means im not comimited to quitting-but that sounds awful!, and if I have to be watched and checked ive swalloed etc...thats a one flew over the cickoos nest type thing.Ive not commited any crime or anythingand what is Naltroxene-why has this never been suggested?

OmG! Ive been up since 5 am. Ansolutely shattered. Got my exam results-and time has gone really fast since. My heart is still in my mouth. I DIDNT FAIL! I passed! Me, I passed! Still shaking, sweating and shocked by my result! Dont want to tell anyone -though mum had to read them out to me. shes pleased and gave me a huge cuddle! What a day! I thought Id got and F, but missed an a by quite a bit, but a far shot of a C. 66Percent, so happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111 :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D I can do it I can I can I can. No one can tell me im stupid. Not even mr ( ???????) IM going to do it, and then make a go of things big time! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppppee-dont know how I got away with it? I thought my stuff was pure pants!!!! Amazing week. big sister passed her driving test too, so we are all happpppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Sorry-but Im studying at so called master level, so not talk to me about diagnosis-pfff-thats an open surgery!Sorry , on wine and peeved off~!

I know ive had some prblems-huge maniac problems-no one ere diagnosed me because people thought that I am a pure alky,But its not that, I drankmaybe a bottle of wine-but the bigger problem is food. If ic ant vanish the food I eat, I feel dirty. Inknow this is unhealthy etc-buts that is my bigger issue,Im scared to take a drug thaaat fs about with your enzymes, when no food is supplied -plus the rest.Its not fair-and to be honest-inhumane. I need this controlled before even thinking about abuse-that is anatabuse.No one listens , you know they make a quick diagnosis-but no one actually listens-I guesss that what good in the value of p-C-T, but very few actauau lprofessionals take it )soory my tpoos are impossible0Got to go from diary 2010

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Me not so good today, why cant I just be happy? Not got out off my pyjammas a cry sleep cry sleep. I guess the baby in me will never dissapear. Never evr thought Id be like this. Its gone on and on and I seem to have got so caught up in my own selfish knots-just wish I could untie them. Hmm been sleeping so much that I wake up and think wwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Work...but its maybe an hour later and I still want to sleep!

Okay -hmmm-not so good-damn it! Got up early-made it to college-there I was stilllate for class, sat down for 5 minutes, listened for about 10 minutes and then cried for the next hour and a half-I dont know why I was crying. It was really embarassing. Lef t the seminar-went shopping-couldnt face anyone.

I dont know-this is mental. Years go I would never have bashed away on forums. Now what amI doing? i guess its an indication of how desperate things are!

I forgot to ask -can you get a filling-injectin whilst taking antabuse? Or I could wait until the dentist has done her bit ( so i dony have to tell her) then get the prescription-dont let me forget to ask.

Whoops -I got hungry last night and ate his spaghetti bolognaise-youd think id murdered HIS children.

Im in a bad mood at the world. cant speak to people in my normal manner. There was something said in that frieving lecturure about angetr-that if you dont get angry you get stepped on and abused-i dont remeber feeling angry when Ive lost people. Maybe at my mum or something in the wrong way! Why anger anger is for unpleasant people? I dont like anger-my bad mood today is slightly angry ( I guess) but I dont do that kind of anger-I cry a lot and dont stop -sometimes. oh god im waffling. It got me down - I dont know why!!!

Really @@@@@@@ today!!!!! Thinking about packing a tent, or just ttaking a blanket and sleeping in streets. Dont see an end to this. AND I hate that I feel sorry for myslef all the time. I hate that! Dont think I got over that lecture-still crying. Shopping too much and crying all over the place....cant get out my room , and just keep thinking about slitting my wrists ( Not that I would) but I cant go on anymore. theres too much . Just too much...Ive got loads of work to do -but cant do it-see no point as I dont know how Im going to pay for the damn thing anyway. Then theres this situation and fed up with him being in bed all the time. His dad is on his way and that s my living room and kitchen overtaken all day long....Listening to Sades new album to vblank it out...I never thought Id be ever like this.Its really anoying me that I am 8-| :-( :-( :-( :-(

apart from my brain leaking ( thats if theres one there) what does blood from your ears mean?

Bumped my head, and now ( still nauseated).

Sat at pc for 2 and a half hours to find half a page ofnotes ( rubbish) Im demotivated.

Looked at housing choices o.O Not fun!!!! Or funny :-(

I sent away fro stuff on amazon-cost me a fortune for a course I am flippin c**p at! Not received them and was told Id get them on the 10th or before!

Im so pmted I want my boobs checked for lumps-they are painful!

Sorry-Im just feeling really angry!

I should be happy -I got my breakdown from my coursework -and what do I say? Can I get relief as Ive lost my glasses or the facts my spell checker doesnt work ( yeah right asking them for any kind of compansassin would be like asking my ex to slap me in the face agin again and again!

Mind you, on reflection my typoos were bad! I got bored with correcting them Im lucjy I didnt fail for the lack of ( I dont know what youd call it?) I got 2 65% and a seventy with the pass mark set at 50-now to tell you thet truth when a passmark is set at 40 and you get 80 -your doing okay-but ewhen at 50 Im sure theres a sense of struggle- i find it worrying.Ive lost my abilities -a little bt.

Ive earache in my left ear, ive had the runs continuouslty, every time I eat my bottom thinks its time to go-sorry for the fecal topic-and Im more than pissed off! ther finished now-must go before I get caught here!

Hmm-strange days! Im satrting to get used to the uni and things are popping in my head-but I fel ridiculously different from everyone else- I wonder if it shows? One girl commented on a BO odour- im sure it was me! We were doing therpaies. emdr- which hmm is amazing but ike breathing exercises, im not sure it fights thought- though I strugged and was on the verge of a mess when the leturer started to wave her finger( mY excues was I have very bad vision in my left eye) ive been told my left eye has excellent vision -but hey she hasnt used it from birth. So do I have ptsd from birth which has caused my anxiety? Im justt going through the scales and velieve me- when you study it- weel if anyone reads , you think you have all of them! Undiagnosed or not- I guess ( doh) bviuos its the extent to which they manifest-but im not convinced. If youve been fightin hearing voices in your head since birth and have good auditory sense -you can chill them down-especially with the good workings of an ipod! Anyway, If it were Psychosis- hers how Ido it- ....NOT HEARING VOICE EXCEPT FROM A bad experience........Hearing buzzing noisee, jumpy....but MORE IMPORTANTLY....touch..I feel like Im being touched unwillingly. But Hallucinataions-depends how you define worrying about the past and how it affects the futre- as my children have got older - my fears have got worse!

Anyway, walked out of class-briliant class by the way..It was on emdr-but theres something not right- i feel something missing. I think I was swinging from lampost as I have very bad eye stigmas and when exhausted you cant fight the balance so your stuck- but then the fear drives in- not that I thin k it will happen again- but I know it happens so it could happen again and its like and advert---Look at me Im vulnerable! i had it today too...mind you I only had 3 hrs sleep and woke up spewing up phlegm. Anyways, okay , also - hmm fott pain -its hurting - but who cares-also feel massive, l really fat! Maybe its just tiredness. The girls are very tired too so maybe it will be a good night for all. Hmm, I need a bath, must go!