I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Sorry -getfunky I just found your last mesage. yeah-its not easy-but sometimes it makes me remeber my childhood and sometimes I think Im more solid because this is part of who I am. Icant help being scared of just about everything! Im on citalopram 20mgs ansd stil chucking.

owe-this is a nightmare. Honestly I feel like Im starving-lay on the couch -really worried about work and money problems. He came home and I was thinking "how could he.my stomach flip flopped an ive been hanging around the lou thinking im going to throw again. it is just anxiety-isnt it? 8-| I cant get a grip-its hm though hes got me by the throat permanently Iam really worried about the future. Im not going to see the new year in deliberately. i dont want to end up on the kitchen floor as in previous years, and I never want to see alcohl again-its a killer!!!Im feeling so nerved and I think im getting worse-maybe its the tim eof year. I dont want another year like last one. Last year was bloody awfu! To be frank, I cant see me getting through this and out the other side. . Okay stomach calming down , and perhaps if I never touch alcohol again I can tsort my money worries out!I just have to ignore him. Just ignore him. I cant believe how hes still got a hold on me and I cant work out why-yet its so obvious to everyone else -what to do. Oh oh here we go again. Think its just a bug now!

Just been sick again! My stomach doesnt even feel sore or anything, just vomit whenever ! Normally when Im sick I puke until everything is out but this is more lie a reflux thing. Mind you, today Ive ben really anxious-heart pounding, The only good thing about today is I didnt have a panic attack - I dont think anyway! I dont know whats happening to me, all I can eat is soup. I had a cup a soup for lunch and then homemade soup for tea and still I throw up! Whats happening-Im just a little scared! This is without taking antabuse.Have /does anyone know-is this just a bug?

Okay-my head is a mess. I stayed up late last night, trying to clear my head out, normally if Iam sick I go traight to bed as I shake and breathe funny. I dont deal with puking well! Anyway, today I had to take things back to the shops with the girls, and omg, scared work saw me, but as soon as I got of the bus I had to run to the lou, and then I had to leave a shop to make it to the lou, This is one nightmare I want forget too quickly!!!Do you think its just the time of year? It always intensifies things? Do you think this will pass?Oh, I need some sleep.

Hope everyone else is doing all right?

Im going to tidy my flat and then curl up on the sofa. Ive not done any work either for school and really worried that I just want do it. Im loosing everything.

HAPPY NEW YEARS DAWN AND GIL! WEVE SURVIVED THIS MUCH SO WE CAN SO MUCH MUCH MORE/ gOD i WANT A CUDDLE, CANT BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT-TOO MUCH WINE. tAKE CARE EVERYONE AND LETS HOPE THIS WIL GET BETTER.bLESSS EVERYNR AND ANYONE, IT WILL BE OKAY.IT WILL

Same to you Katy! I truly hope you and gil get some help and feel better in 2010! I put on my Facebook page "Good ridance 2009!" Which I think you both will agree with me, wasn't our finest years - health wise anyways! So here's to a better 2010 for ALL of us!

Ok, so far spent New Years day crying, then ringing friends, no appetite, and really feeling hungry , but tried to threw up again, and nothing is coming up, sorry for me being so dignified here -not! Butr when is this going to stop? Im totally drained. The only good thing is Im too sick to do my usual naughty stuff. Right,I really need to pull myself together"Iam no victim"thing going in my head.walk away.Hope yours is doing better than mine so far!!!!

I feel so sick! Its not going away! Is this just a bug?. Im frightened its something else? Now Ive 5 days left to churn out a piece of coursework, and get better. Im panicing!

Ex doesnt think im ill and been lying on the couch, with duvet and feeling so sick!

feeling better-but cant sleep! Worried about everything! I dontknow what to do! I know what I should do, and from now on I know I am taking responxibility for my behaviour and lok out for the children first.so thinking about suspending my masters. So unsure though as I feel like this is all I had going for me. grrr! Cant sleep, thinking about taknig the children out to play in the snow. They dont seem to be able to sleep either. There still excited after christmas. I just wishI could manage myslef better-more respect and so forth.anyway going to try and get some sleep. This is going to be my most sober year ever. Thinking back on last year-what was I doing???

I dont know hiow I do that. I sat at my pc for 6 hours trying to do this case study.The thing is im so fed up thinking about ideas about it, Ive forgotten the basics, thought about it so much and now cant be bothered sdoing it properly, I dont think this is a very good thing to put in my relctive lerning portfolio-pff! and Ive toothach and a cold and moaning like i dont know what . I dont even know if what ive done is whatthey want and I hate this as Ive no confidende.Grrrr!

anyway, ive started to try and sort my courseworkout. Work, well surpringly5666666666666666666666666666666666666677777777777 ( it would help if my cat wouldnt walk over the pc time and time again!) Anyway, Ill hand my tragic stuff in on Fridayo78(oh there he goes-Bon Bon!) I was actually doing okay , until the children started to fight and exhaustion got me down. Im now again at that level, where ill go to bed hide and cry , then get peeved off Ive had no sleep!

Its amazing, reading all this stuff about suicide, and risk , and I think Im not really one of them. Im just not! Owe , here goes with the denial! Im really depressed ( i think) Ive just been -well hopefullly it was a 10 yr spout of bad luck -oops I mean 13 now!

He came in my bed the other night ( god thats a comical quotation for all comedians-I dont mean he came thankfully-at least I hope he didnt. I dont even know why he was in my bed-then at 6am he ran throw to his old room-its a no wonder why i keep vomitting.owee I missed out a bit. Yeah-here goes new yyears day, I was feeling really sad and scared and blah blah blha, anyway, he takes the children out ( for hours) I got so upset! I wanted to just at least have that cuddle-watch a film with them etc. AnywayI howled to my mum.I was really angry and upset-he takes total control! Im still feeling ill-but better than before-and I dont want to take citalopram anymore, I want to feel the pain!

Oh, not so good! My Gi tract ( whatever) hurts and ive got the cold at least it feels like the cold.I never get the cold Grrr!Nearly finished my suicidal case study -that should only ever be tackled if you are feeling unwell!Im am now starting to see why health professionals hate people like myself and I intend to avoid them like the plague!

Oh dear-what have I just done???? Ive just handed in a piece of coursework that was so bad that itd make good toilet roll.

Im not feeling weel, bad pain in my back and feverish so I really just wantd it out the way!! bad move , I know. trying not to cut myself up about it as it was on worth a small 1 10th of the course but still feel bad. references are everywhere anyway, reckon ill be pretty lucky if I passs anything. Systems have changed so much. Who marks a piece from the changes that have been made??? This is daft , I always thought it was the final piece that was important and how it was put together. This should styke and creativity-none of this what have they changed Pants!!! Whats that all about-okay I aibnt that daft I do know but I dont like this new method. You end up picking away at things that they dont make sense and you end up using the other person original words that you think youve changed but you have not and you go round in circles. Its an awful system and its doing me no good. AnywayIm fighting my panic away now. Ive stopped being sick -which is a good start and just really thinking thats enough , Im getting bored of living with this. its tiresome, bothersome and I cant be bothered with another day of it! If next week is the same Im going to suspend my ocurse and take a holiday with my girls. Um fed up !!! Fell sick and thick and yuck really!!!

My ex is trying to find out what furniture Im taking Pffff!!! Like he bought any of it in the first place!!! Sory but Im going to swear here, so turn away now and hide your ears.....Phew! okay, but its not like hes providung fior the children anyway is it? I dont think all men are like this. I think his father created monsters, or was it his mother???????? Dont care. I think I have taken so long to get out , because of me, but when I find out about other things, I just think the proof is in the pudding, and the next time he even tries to get into my bed im going to chop it off withsome wire!!!! Hes gross!!! Actually, that thought made me gag, think im going to puke again. My eyes are really itchy!!!

I might do my thesis on premenstrual dysphoria, and domestic abuse. No No, Thats a rubbish idea Im thinking PmT /ythe oonset of madness??? Nahe rubbish,Whats better , alcohol or canabis? Amphetamines, or exstacy. Being single next to being in a c**p relationship, How it effects life chances? God Im bored. I guess I have to think of something. Medical opinions to men tal heal th problems? Nurses in hospitals who treat their patients like sh*t? Sample pleases? Learning disabilities, the hidden truths ???Vulnerabilities and drugs???? Okay Im am really loosing it. maybe I should not try so hard when feeling c**p( not that I am trying hard) Im just bored. Fragile Rock and its effects on adults in 2010. How technology is disturbing? Right im going to go now before I get really annoyed with myself, back is really hurting...funny thing is if I wa s told I had so long, I dont think id have any fight in me to care at the moment even with the girls. Its almost as though hes making me resent the m . As soo as they are home they come in my rooma and jum pon me and its mummy mummy mummy can we do this mummy and whats for tea and so on . P erfectly normal but he could help? Acht even if I did muck up my course - well right now isnt the best so Im not that thick , just havent been having the best of times..maybe..or maybe this is a good time, I just dont realise it. Hmm what a depressing thought. Got to go

This isnt funny!!! Right, I drop the children off at school. alex is complaining she feels unwell, so I give the school my work number. I manage to walk to work , not paniced, t-think I must be getting beter then. Then just 5mins before the shift started , i got really quezzy, and like something was stuck in my throat. i ran to the toilets and omg-threw up-cried, then washed hands and face, returned to work 20 mins late. Then an hour an half into shift.Phone rings alex need to come home. I collect her-but worried as my boss thinks Im at it.

Then get home, ive so much going on and wrong, I dont know what to do! i do need to stop being sick. Im not even on disilfrium or whatever that stuff is, Its as though Ive something stuck at the back of my throat and it chokes me, then I puke. Now looks like alex has the same thing. is this a bug or is this just anxiety.

Also , received a lone parent interview thing. Perhaps its good timing-I dont know. Im going to go now nad look after my a. This is strange. Could there be something up with our new boiler as Its only since we put the heating up this has started to happen.

Ive slept most the day away!!! Feel yuck, and so does wee Alex.This is yuck!!!

Fed up with judging people. Been on a silly site that I am banned for , only to feel these people are shouting at me"Grow up". Cant be bothered responding. Not going to. It would only antagonise the situation. Remind me to ring housing. I must ring housing.

Then, and this gets me, cause if I am throwing up due to feeling anxious, should I be on a larger dose? Or am I throwing up because I am allergic? or am I throwing up as its a viral thing?I put it on that site to explain how I was feeling. Well when Im sick I basically panic so much that Im surprised I get it iin the toilet-sorry to be graphic!!! The worse bit is the bile, and then all day today had that burning feeling in the top mof my abdomen. My point on that site ( only writing this to make me feel better ) was that we are all different and evrybody reacts differently to different things-and so on. Forgive me for thinking this, but do we not all crack up at some point???? Im sure there are loads of people that have this!! There must be, and maybe Im mded but grrr. Someone told me her lifestory and all I could think at the tim ewas (its not a bloody competition and just cause you managed it-doesnt mean the rest of us can handle the hurt and pain, or grow male parts of the anatomy. we a re all different and it doesnt necessarily make me imature or stupod as this person seems to be implying I am. No, Ill show them I can abstain from alcohol. Not doing great with it-but big improvements. Just wish I could stop being sick!