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I've been abused more times than I could count on my fingers and toes and I still see my abuser occasionally. I'm extremely quiet and shy but I'm more talkative around people I know and some have even called me "mute". For example, I'll be talking to my friends and then when an attractive girl comes near us and hangs with our group, I go absolutely silent (I won't say a word). I find it hard asking a girl out. I had a brief schizophrenic episode and I have obsessive compulsive disorder and wouldn't be surprised to see others that haven't been diagnosed yet. I have very low self-esteem/confidence-you name it. There was a situation that I still remember in middle school where a female teacher called me ugly. I don't think I'm ugly but it has made me doubt myself till this day when women approach me. I like women but I push them away emotionally/show no affection (even the ones that I like) or even second guess myself whether they like me or not. I have ZERO experience with them and I'm now 26 years old. I'm the absolute worst when it comes to verbal signals and I can't read people's faces. I feel very uncomfortable and sometimes hate when people touch me and I rarely touch others.

Depressed and stressed out so I went to the strip club just recently(my first time there). I couldn't even get aroused by just seeing the naked women there. I wanted to touch myself but couldn't with all the people around me. Am I starting to see the signs of ED because of masturbating a lot? Is this normal at all if I was straight or do they have to touch me for it to happen? Also, when I got the private lapdance, I believe I peed.

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I am in no way an expert, but I do believe that alot of your issues are in your head. You are very descriptive in your writing, very clear and detailed. You seem to have a strong mind, use it to reign in some of those fears and stomp out those creeping thoughts that invade your mind.

Visualize your brain as a hall with doors lined on both sides, some open, some closed. You decide which doors to pass through. You'll find that some doors open to rooms wth two more doors, open or closed, you decide what to do. Also, you can lock a door for it never to be opened again.

This visualization helped me with my anxiety, clostrophobia, rage, etc. as a child when no one took my issues seriously and could've made permanent stamps on my life. Hopefully this will be of some use to someone. God bless. ;-)
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