Also...she gave us each one dish day a week (not bad, I'm not complaining at all) but she gave us the threat of being forced to live with our father (whom we all dislike in the extreme) if we didn't do our dishes three times in a row...of course, she didn't clarify this until I asked her how many chances we had, so we were all terrified we only got one chance (it is so easy to forget what day is what and whose is whose and so on...especially when you've been taking meds that affect memory)...anyways...my brother and sister both forgot the first week, and she gave them freebies, she told me herself...and then on the third week I forgot...and she got really mad and yelled at me for twenty minutes...and when I brought up the fact that my brother and sister got one freebie, she got even more mad and lectured me on how the circumstances were not the same, and how I needed to be more mature and stop...how did she put it...blaming other people...I don't see how that is blaming the other people...I am sure she is referring to my brother's famous "your face" jokes...but I'll mention that in a minute...anyways...I did the dishes the next day without a word...
And on the subject of dishes, I usually did them at least once a week anyways, but she never noticed, she said I never did them, and so did my brother (who was never home except for one or two meals a day), yet, my brother has done dishes maybe...seven times (I don't even believe that many times) in the last two years...and every time he does it she thanks in a cheery voice and tells him what a wonderful son he is, and how much it means to her that he did the dishes (and they're always dirty and I have to rewash them afterwards)...Frell, I cleaned up the house too when it got messy! But does she care? No! She doesn't even notice...So I just gave up on doing that....
And this has been going on for a year or more...where I'll say something is gross (like porn or rotten food), he'll be like..."YOUR FACE IS GROSS!" or he'll just say "YOUR FACE IS UGLY!!!" "YOUR FACE IS FAT AS TWO BADLY PARKED VOLKSWAGONS" or however you spell that car's name... and when I say "LEAVE ME ALONE!" in a raised voice, or "Shut up please..." my mom gets infuriated at me for 'starting' a fight...Why is it she could be doing this? My brother mind you, is nineteen, I am seventeen, and my sister is eleven...My sister tells my mom everything I say, so I can't talk to her about this and get her opinion...she'll tell anything about me to anyone to get what she wants (when I wouldn't play barbies with her she told me she'd tell my boyfriend that I had stretch marks....and then she said she'd tell him where too...haha...I found it amusing to see her face when I told her that he already knew, because I told him) but anyways...yeah....
My mom and brother have been talking about me a lot the last two or three days, saying I'm fat, ugly, lazy...I am none of those, I am currently taking a break from stressing out, I just went of a gazillion anti-psychotics, and I'm still getting over withdrawals (I quit suddenly, VERY stupid thing to do) I'd lost about fifteen pounds when I weighed at the doctor the other week, and I have lost at least another five-seven pounds in the last week or so...I am 5'8 and was 144 the other week...I was curious so I checked online to see if I was a normal weight...and the tests said I was (they ask for height and weight) but it really bothered me this morning...I don't remember for sure if they called me a b***h, but I thought they did...anyways...my brother made a comment saying "She didn't do her dishes yesterday! I know what her punishment should be when she doesn't do the dishes! She shouldn't be allowed to eat anything for the whole day!" and then my mom laughed really hard and agreed, but told him it wasn't my dish day...everyone I know says' I'm skinny...but when people I love say things like that while they think I'm sleeping...is just...like...wow...anyways...the last two days, every time I try to say hello to my mom, she just ignores me, doesn't even look up/at me or anything...It's very, upsetting...I'm used to my brother not responding to me when I say "I love you"...but...my mom? She was my best friend...she was the only person keeping me here for quite awhile...
I was very suicidal starting at the age of about six, when my father began beating me...I always found something to cling to...whether it was a horse I was working with (I volunteered at a program for handicapped children at a stable when I was nine, because I loved horses so much, and because I got into a riding accident and they were the only people who could give me lessons, I loved volunteering there-I can remember the first day I did, the kids were endearing, the stories so bittersweet, the faces so happy, the horses so magnificent, we ended the day with running in the sprinklers in the arena...) or a cat...or a person...but...eh...
haha...I've been so emotional all day...I haven't cried...but I'm just...really hurt inside...the only person who loves me is my boyfriend, and he wasn't that reliable the first time we dated...I'm trying not to doubt him, because he says he loves me, and he says he wants to marry me next October, and I pray this love is real...I know I am young, but I feel this would be a good thing for me...
But if something happens, and he finds another girl...Heh...I am not staying here, I'll probably take myself out of this frieken reality...What is the point of living somewhere in which the people you love, and thought loved you, won't even acknowledge your presence? And when they do talk about you, it's nothing but cruel words...Frell...I can't wait to get out of here, I try being the good daughter, I try not to fight with anyone, I try to always be nice, I try to keep everyone happy, when I have money I only spend it on myself when necessary, and I always feel bad about that, and I love buying people presents...when I went to visit my grandparents during the summer...they had to give me a whole extra HUGE suitcase to carry all the presents home...And you know what?
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A FU6|<, sure, they said "oh...thanks..." but then they said..."What else did you get?"
As if a few hundred dollars worth of presents wasn't enough for them? As if all the loving poems and letters I wrote for my mom weren't enough? All the drawings, the random clay projects? Well...sheesh...nothing I frelling do is right, so why the hell am I here? Will someone tell me that PLEASE??? I ask the friggen people I am cursed/blessed with in my head...and they say they can't tell me...well whatever...they're just making it up...It sounds so nice to just go for a walk and never come back, maybe when school gets out one of these days, I'll just go to the intersection and lay down in the middle of it...No one will notice me in time, the road is full of angsty teens wanting to go home and watch porn or go shopping with their big ol' credit cards...or texting on their phones...gah...Well...I was considering doing that this morning while I listened to them talking...But, as long as I have someone here that seems to care, I'll be good...after all, if I don't get killed for some reason (I've probably survived more suicide attempts than almost anyone) I'll be sent to the damn hospital for weeks and put back on all those goddanged drugs that make me numb and dazed, who can't stay awake and who can't remember a thing...a total zombie...yeah, that's just how I want to live...I hate this...
I'm sorry that was so long...any input from any parents? What would cause you to do this to your daughter? What could they do to change it?
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While she probably feels this way remember one thing THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Even though she is angry she probably knows she did the right thing by getting her children out of that envrioment but life is probably really hard for her especially if she is raising 3 children on her own.
Don't take that wrong way that is still no excuse for her to treat you that way!
Do you have a councelor at school, church or somewhere that you could confide in? Even an adult outside of the family?
You need help! Unfortunately, I am not qualified to help you. You need a professional that knows how to deal with these matters. Don't worry whether or not you will make your mother more angry at you...just do it!
My prayers are with you.
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None of this is your fault. Your family is screwed up, again NOT YOUR FAULT. I do recommend you stay in school, if u can and DO FET A JOB! It will keep u out of the house more and away from the drama. Start savingyr money, and looking for roommates, housing opportunity. You sound like you r greatvw kids, horses, do that agin, or volennteer at a food bank or somewhere. You will have to find and get praise elsewhere. Count only on you. Yes, it's hard, bt that's what growing up is PARTLY about. Also, when u see something that needs to be done around the house, just do it, not for praise, but because it needs to be done. When u become a wife and mther no one will praise you. You develope your own self worth from doing the right thing, also things that give u joy, u will be good at. Be of service to people OUTSIDE of ur home. It's getting cold, go on a blanket drive, collect as many blankets as u can, get others, friends, ur school to doit too. Then take them down town where u live and pass them out, r donate to a church, r a homeless shelter. THEY WILL LOVE YOU! I was also abused. I left home at the age of 14. I'm 55 now, female. I have friends, my mother and I didn't start getting along till after I was in my 20s. Took a lot of therapy, on my own, for me, and howi choose to react to here. Guess what........ She's a shrink too!!! She councils people, but didn't know how to help me. Mom s r just people. Ur mom and mine, whether we BELEIVE it or not, r guilt ridden, because they didn't protect us from the men they married. You need to self reliant, sufficient , and self motivating. You will be OK. You ARE strong. You will have a good life, with or with them. I don't even know you, but ican tell by your letter. You are a very smart girl/ woman. Listen to ur inside voice, the god one, the quiet one, she will tell you what to do!
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Remember God Almighty Loves each and eveyone of us the same. When we have no one else to turn to he's always there if'll we'll give him our whole heart. My prayers are with you all. God bless you.
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Sweetie, Let me tell you something and Iam not tring to be a know it all, and iam not what so ever a doctor nor Therapist. Let me say this, Iam 47 yr old Female whom now has alot of health issues and i have mega amount of problems due to a bad Childhood and did not get the proper care by my Family what so ever. To make a very long Story Short, I was sexually abused by my Mothers Brother started at age 4 yrs old and I told my Mother and Grandmother what had Happened and we all lived together at the time. My Mother nor my Grandmother did nothing about nor did they get him help. I had a Alcohlic Stepfather that was Verbally abusive to me from age 10-15 yrs old. My Mother gave me to my Grandmother, I got Married at age 16 almost 17 just to have someone that would love or care for me. Got Pregnant age 18 and another at age 21 I left my Children to my Husband and his Parents becuase I was messed up I have been married now about 5 times and every single man I been with was either an Drinker or Abusive and that is all I attracted it was the same thing all the time and I could not break the Circle did not know how. Myu Life has been a Mess because I did not or no cared to get me the help I need. So please get the help u need asap it is very important. I know what u are going through, you have a chance to change if. For me Iam just starting to see a therapist just now, I should have done something a long time ago. Iam not trying to tell you or anyone else whats best for you iam just telling u my Story. Iam having problems trusting every one and right now iam in another verbally abusive relationship and it is up to me to change it. This type of problems will and can cause Health Issues later in life and well that is exactley what iam dealing with. I Wish u nothing but the Best and if u need someone to talk to Iam here for u even if it is someone to Confide in.
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Well, listen closely and don't get upset with me without hearing me out. first you need to acknowledge that one: you are a living, breathing being created by God the Father of Heaven and Earth. and what has happen to you as a child was not your fault. your father was wrong to abuse you. because the Lord didn't allow him to father children to abuse and misuse them. and secondly: which is first and for most, love yourself!!!!! I don't know if you know Jesus Christ, but please take some time and seek Him out. Because He loves you more than anyone in this sadly, darken and sinful world ever will. so today right now, stop wanting to die because things are ruff in your life. baby girl ,sweet heart, live.... I tell you live and don't even think of dying anymore. life belongs to God, and He allowed you to be born for a reason. yes, I know you don't see it right now. but give God a chance to show you your WORTH.... sounds like you have had a lots of sorrows in your short life. I'm very sorry for that. BUT wait and see the hand of JESUS in your life some day soon. I don't pretend to be no Prophet or any such person. but I know what my GOD can do. and HE has no respect of person. you are not alone. there are thousands of young people struggling with the same issues. I have family members that has suffered divers types of abuse, but God haven't FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! you asked what the hell are you here for? well just know, hell has nothing to do with you being here . the Bible says , hell is for Satan and his angels. and I don't believe you are Satan or his angels:) so I dearly, and strongly urge you , start praying. ask Jesus Christ to help you. tell Him that, you can not continue to carry these burdens along... cry out to Him with a broken heart, He's right there. tell Him you need Him. and as far as your mother and brother goes, keep loving them and telling them often. and tell them that, you no longer want to die, because you have a life and you are going to start LIVING IT!!!!! but if the Lord should see fit to allow your life to end, they're going to be very sorrowful a lil to late. again, love you, please do that for me... seek the Lord and learn of His love for you. even love your boy friend if you want. but know, if any of these people ever stop loving you, GOD won't . and when the Lord, that you are going to seek; teach you, you are going to forgive and love your father again one day too.. I PRAY THAT SOMETHING I'VE SAID WILL BE A HELP TO YOU. USE YOUR SORROWS, FOR YOUR JOYS OF TOMORROW. I love you in Christ Jesus. read some of the book of Matthew from the KING JAMES VERSION OF THE HOLY BIBLE. i will be praying for you. ps. let me hear from you.
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