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I suffer from major depression and get different levels of it.  I feel so sad tonight and have no one to turn to for help.  It's hard to meet people at my age, 42.  I just feel so alone tonight.

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an old adviser wrote:

Is it just tonight you feel lonely? Or are you one of those who walks through life alone. I have had mental problems since I was a kid, many problems have I got rid off, and some problems have I learned to live with.Do you feel well in your own company? I believe that we must like to be alone sometimes, for then we easily see the worth of others,and ourselves.

Good luck:)


i am on my own too much and still struggling to make new friends.
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jaywalker999 - i'm sorry to hear that your also going through depression, it isn't the best thing and probably one of the hardest things to do because its your own brain fighting against you. i may be a lot younger than you almost 19 but i guess we both have the same thing. i dont really dont know your story or your background but you dont know mine as well. but ive hit those points alot even more recently for about a few months now and i guess all i can tell you is tell someone you really trust about. i had problems with trust issues with my family but since i almost ended up killing myself i went for my mother who is taking care of me and my 2 brothers by herself. we are all overage but still knowing that your X husband doesnt respect your own mother really gets to me man recently my mom found a guy that has been making her really happy and her life has started picking up. and it seemed like we were all doing very well and getting through the whole thing together. but unfortunately on Monday my whole world went into a bad spiral because my father came to my house and from the back threw my moms boyfriend and kept him until his nose was broken, his jaw, and his 2 front teeth were kicked off. as if it isnt bad enough that he knows that ive been taking the pills but actually days before that tried convincing me that he loved me and the family and would do everything to not hurt us and then days later doing this. and out of everything he came with his brother and they took my 19 year olds brothers car that i bought for him and fixed up what i could. i guess you can say i was very heart broken and i know that when i get into a bad depression i don't double think about what i do because all thoughts go out. as you can imagine i felt the very urge to hurt him but he left somewhere (we dont know where he lived when he moved out) and him actually thinking that doing that and him now on the run and going to jail for a while was worth it. if that wasnt bad enough i couldnt do anything i wasnt even there and the only thing i remember when i got there because she called me was all the blood... but the one thing that made me lose it was looking at his face and seing all the pain and then looking at my mother and just seing his blood on her face made me want to kill someone so bad. he ended up in the hospital and i just had to be by myself to "think" about stuff. so i guess just trying to figure out where he was so i can do what he did to him wasnt bad enough he tries contacting me today saying that he lost the keys to my brothers car and if theres an extra somewhere? man if it wasnt bad enough that the day it happened i ended up cutting my arms from wrist to elbow on both arms him asking me that? i dont know i used to be able to control my depression and i was good at pushing things down and just pretending at least that im ok so no one really notices. but ive noticed for months now i am now more emotional but i cannot feel pyhsical pain that i do to myself because as you can imagine i used to cut small lines in non noticable places and just feeling the pain and the blood was enough and i wouldnt do anymore but now i cant feel pain. i know what it means when people say they feel like theres a hole in there heart because now i guess while hes still out i have a house but when he gets caught hes gonna let us get kicked out because the house is in his name. people will always tell you the one thing to beat depression is to think positive thoughts. but what do you do when sh*t like that happens? i guess i really cant give you good advice because i havnt figured it out also and i guess i 2 have been walking down a lonely path but to me the only thing that was as you can say "positive" of depression is that it made me realize who my friends were and who were there just to use me. out of everyone i had to realize the hard way that i wont lie about like 4 people are the ones that i consider my close friends but i guess that number is getting smaller. it sucks that this is for some reason the thing that people cant talk about because i know i have always and still do think that if i tell people what i think and how i feel that they will consider me like a weirdo or a lunatic. i guess thats how my life has gone by for these 18 almost 19 years and yea even after all this i feel there is a reason im still alive and i guess im just trying to find out why man. but as more time goes on i feel im getting weaker and soon i wont be able to take it anymore. i have been taking antidepresant pills but even with those with everything going on i still feel majorly depressed. i found out though that my close friends i told them what happened to me and they revealed stuff about them that i would have never thought. it seems that stuff like this is happening alot but my friend has schizophrenia or what i think could be a sign of it because he feels like people can hear his thoughts and judge him. i told him that i think it could be sciz, but at the same time i felt like i had that as some points and that lead to my downest points in depression cuz i thought i was starting to go insane. whats the best option to turn to when i was depressed? taking my "pain and sorrow" if you'd like out on stuff like walls, the ground, etc. i think all that has acomplished is me f*****g up my knuckles and ruining my wrists. and alot of blood loss at points. but i feel like when i cut my arms i was walking the streets and i ended up about an hour from my house to a girls house that she has always cared about me and even tho it was 3 in the morning she took me in and cleaned me up. and never once did she judge me for what i did. I've never cried in front of anyone before but i felt like i couldnt hold back and what made me feel better was when she saw me struggling to keep em back she told me its ok if you cry i wont judge you ill take care of you and wipe the tears away. i guess you can say i did and if it wasnt for her i would probably have bleed out because i was starting to feel light headed from the cuts. they where i guess good cuts because i know from previous experiences that i am going to have those forever. since you might be reading this you might think that i might be emo or something but in reality i am not. but i guess at the time of my depression i can only hurt my body to calm down so i wont hurt anyone else because i get to the point where i can honestly kill someone. well you might be wondering why i would tell random people all this, but its because when i told that to my therapist he told me its normal to feel like that because of the situation but knowing what i did and not actually going to find him to hurt him was probably the best decision. because he knows that i would collect butterfly knives and i would use them without second thoughts. but i mean i feel in a way that i in reality truly lost because i still blame myself for not being there or not being able to do anything. just when it seems like things start looking up i always know deep down that it never lasts. i guess ive known about this moment my whole life since i was a kid because when i was old enough to understand i always knew my dad wasnt faithful but i didnt want to be the reason that they split up id felt horrible. but i guess i was wrong. knowing that makes me cry sometimes even tho i know i couldnt do anything because i wasnt even old enough to fully understand what was going on. i guess in a way i have tried killing myself many ways that i guess people find hurtful. i cut my arms up, ive hurt myself just to feel the pain because i think if i feel that it would make me feel human? and the one that i regret was that i didnt eat but not because i starved myself, i would get so low that i wouldnt be able to eat anything or do anything. i got like that until i ended up in the hospital because i was severly dehydrated, my blood pressure was super low, and they were concerned that my family wasnt taking care of me. as you can imagine i tried leaving the hospital when i could and i guess i think im all alone out there and it seems to me like i am but since ive been going to these classes im meeting people that go through stuff not the same but similar. the one thing i am very thankful for was telling someone about it. i know its really hard to tell someone how you feel especially because the person i told was my mother and i told her that i tried killing myself and that i feel like im close to ending it. i had to emotion to do anything, no drive, and i guess who wouldnt? i guess we can take a certain amount by ourselves and when we cant anymore we just let it all go. sorry if i went on about somethings that happened i was just trying to tell you some other views that i thought of when i read your post JAYWALKER999 and just know ive been to the point of no return even though we arnt the same age it seems like weve gone through alot and its hard on someone especially whn you have to hide it. it gets harder and harder but somehow we will overcome. or as id like to think about it find my purpose for being on this planet that the inhabitants choose to destroy themselves and this planet for money or fame. i guess i have a dark way of thinking and yea most people think like that when they are depressed but like you i get severely depressed so i do know what you are going through. you might be asking yourself when does the fight end? i cant tell you that because im still fighting with you but you wont know if you dont give it a try.

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