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I became depressed back when my little sister was a baby, about 8 years ago. I never realised it then because I was young, but I realised about 3 years ago, when I started cutting because everything became too overwhelming. My cuts get deeper and deeper each time, they started off as scratches but now I'll cut and I'll end up needing stitches, i feel guilty about my behaviour. I hate myself, I don't even know who I am anymore... I feel like im trapped, like I can't bloom and  become me, instead I'm just idk... a depressive lump. The reason I became depressed then was because when I was growing up i never really got any attention, ever. Which I would have needed as I was young. My brothers always got the love and attention too, as they were both loud and demanding. Also the arguments between my parents, and when my dad used to beat my mom in front of us, really scarred me... Because of that, I don't even feel comfortable around my own parents. They weren't ever really there for me as I was growing up, they still aren't really. I have really bad trouble concentrating in class and getting my work done, which is frustrating because I'm trying my hardest to, i just cant pay attention, i get distracted way too easily. I have counselling and I've been put on antidepressants because they told me i have severe depression and anxiety. The medicine doesn't seem to be helping, yet. I feel like I don't even care anymore. It's just became a feeling that I've gotten used to... all the time, doesn't go away. It's normal to me now. People tell me i feel like this because of hormones, which I can understand because a lot of people my age, 16, are bound to feel like this, hormones, stress from exams, confused feelings etc. But the thing is, I think I know why I do... My childhood was a living hell and things now are still really bad. I don't complain about it to anyone, though. I just don't wanna seem annoying or a freak or anything, I feel they wouldn't understand. I have a lot of things playing on my mind and I don't feel anything other than guilty, down and frustrated. I hate talking to people and going out, I don't enjoy doing the things I once loved anymore. I don't feel excitement, joy, happiness... nothing like that. Even when im doing things that everyone seems to buzz about I find it difficult to enjoy myself. I have sleeping troubles, it will take me hours to fall asleep, then when I finally do, I wake up frequently and fully wake up about 5-6ish even only having a couple hours of sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, my counselling isn't helping, nor my medication.. I just feel like giving up. Sometimes, I don't feel like I have a good enough reason to feel like this. Also, because my friends feel they can talk to me about anything, they'll tell me about all their problems which weighs me down even more, I know I shouldn't let it, but it's hard not to.  I have a bad relationship with my parents, my dad will constantly bring me down whenever I see him, and talk about me behind my back to other family members. My mom has a drinking problem and she  kicked my dad out a while ago because he was violent, she was scared to, but it got to the point where he messed us up so bad my mom had to do something.  My mom then got a boyfriend, which I didnt like because I didn't even know him and I wasn't comfortable with him or anything, I was angry at my mom for doing that because she hadn't given us enough time to get over all the traumas and it was just so sudden. Because she kicked him out and got a boyfriend, my moms side of the family and my dads side hate each other. It doesn't feel right, we're supposed to be a family. Instead they're all hating on each other. I'm worried about my brothers because they've got into weed and I can see they're changing, I'm just scared they're going to get into other drugs... I don't want it to ruin their lives, I want the best for them.  My girlfriend has just recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia, it's really crushing me because she's such an amazing person and this really isn't what she deserves and I want the best for her, knowing she has to suffer with this for the rest of her life really hurts me. She's in a hospital and Ive not heard from her in a while. I think that's what's upsetting me the most, I don't care much about anything else, just her... She really is so special to me and I just want her to be okay. It's driving me into an even deeper depression and I'm gonna miss the old her. Sorry I've written so much, I could go on but it would be too much to read, I really need help, I want to feel free again, confident.. I wanna live and I just want to have fun, like a normal 16 year old should.

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I'm sorry you have to go through all this.I've had a difficult chilhood two and i can somewhat relate to you.I'm not sure how to help you with the depression and cutting other than saying i'm here for you an you can msg me anytime or i can give you a number to reach me at.I'm sorry again you have to go through all this

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I'm very sorry you have to go through this, I have alot of family issues and didn't have the best childhood alot of which I can't remember because i blocked it out. If you need someone to talk to you can messagee me.

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i have not a clue about the cutting yourself,but i have been through so many traumas in my life and i can tell you one thing everyone in the USA goes through them and we cope with them in many different ways but with that said i think you have to find a positive place where u can enjoy your surroundings and be positive maybe getting away from your mom and the bad stuff around you just for a few will help you!! ty for reading have a good night!
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