I went out with a boy who has MDD for a little short of a year.
When I first met him and we started going out, neither of us knew he had depression. He was very enthusiastic about us and did everything he could for me, telling me that he was falling hard for me.
And so, it was a shock when he suddenly changed. He became very withdrawn and we stopped seeing each other as much. We would be in the same house and not be together because he would be sleeping (until the late evening) and, even though he knew I was there, wouldn't get out of bed. After a few months of this excessive sleeping, withdrawal, flaking on plans and just not seeing him in general, I asked what was wrong. He explained how he wasn't happy, thought about his own death, couldn't enjoy things anymore, ect. He said that he's felt this way for years. As a psych student, it sounded to me like textbook depression. I told him this and suggested seeing someone, so he did. He was instantly put on Lexapro and began therapy.
In the 6 months that he surrendered to his depression, he had caused his house mates and friends to grow to resent him. They all told me to leave him, but I felt so strongly for him and wanted to be there for support, especially since no one really cared for him anymore.
When he told me he loved me (he was the first to say it), I knew how I felt for him and felt secure in my decision to stand by him through his illness. It was hard. I spent many weekends alone because I would make plans with him and blow off others, only to have him never meet me or pick up when I called. Then, sometimes he would randomly get the urge to go out and wouldn't even bother to ask me to come or wait for me to meet him, even though he knew how much I wanted us to spend time together.
When we did spend time together, we didn't do much. We'd watch a movie or just lay in bed. He would always initiate the physical stuff as soon as we were alone and would stop being as affectionate once he was sexually satisfied, which made me feel used. But he would say things about our love that were so passionate and beautiful, that I believed he truly cared for me. Sometimes, when he would go out drinking, he would randomly call me and tell how much he loved me and how much I meant to him with extreme fervor.
By the end of the school year, he seemed to be improving. He had to take a medical withdrawal that semester (his sleeping and apathy caused him to fail many classes), but he seemed to be determined to do better the next time. He spent a week at my house right after the year ended and it was wonderful. He seemed to enjoy life and enjoy us. He went back to his home a few hours away from mine, but kept in touch really well. Better than he did when we were together at school. He called all the time, assured me he loved me. I went to visit him for a week and we seemed perfect. He was still facing sleeping problems, but that seemed like the only issue. I had no idea that would be the last time we'd be happy together.
I left for Ireland for 3 weeks, and the first week I was there we spoke briefly over Facebook. He told me he loved and missed me. I returned 2 weeks later, and in the parking lot of the airport he called me and told me he couldn't be with me anymore.
He told me that he didn't love me. He said he he didn't feel anything for me anymore and hadn't for a while. It was there at first, but then he said he only thought he had feelings for me. He was really cold when he told me about this and rather harsh.
A few days later, he texted me apologizing for how he was on the phone. He said he had forgotten to fill his prescription for Lexapro, and therefore was off it for a day. The withdrawal caused a deep depression. He said that he didn't feelnothing, just not enough. He couldn't see a future with me. He said i was an amazing person and wished he could be the person I wanted. He told me that he still wanted to text and talk as much as we did, that I was his best friend.
The second day of this semester, I ran into to him. We spoke in person for the first time in weeks. We spoke for hours and he surprised me by asking me if I wanted to go out with him again and see where it went. I said yes, and before we parted he pulled me in for a passionate kiss.
The next day, we saw each other and he decided he want us back in a relationship. Everything went back to normal.
Over the next two weeks, we spent only a little time with each other. I had to go home on the weekend for work. He wrote me an email one Friday night explaining how he couldn't think clearly before, but now he could see that he loved me and that I was the only thing he could see in his life. Mutual "friends" said that he told them the same thing about us, that the meds had him confused but now he could think clearly. He explained later that he was really drunk when he wrote that, but he still meant it. We saw each other a few times. I was unhappily shocked to learn that he had started smoking weed, something he never did before. But I ignored it.
I told him I wanted to have sex with him (I have a difficult history with intimacy and am still a virgin due to it, and he knew this) and I really felt sure with that decision. I still wish I could have given him my virginity. But it never happened.
The next day, he came over to my dorm and immediately initiated the physical. He essentially put us in the position for sex and pulled out a condom, but I told him it just didn't feel right that particular day. He tried hard to convince me otherwise, but said he understood.
The next day he called and said he couldn't be with me anymore. He said that he was wrong about me and didn't have feelings for me. He didn't love me at all. He kept assuring me that it was not my fault. He kept saying that he should love me, that I was perfect, but something was wrong with him. He kept saying that he was broken. I still don't get it.
We saw each other to get my things back. He seemed sort of flat when we spoke. I cried and told him how much I loved him and how much this hurts me. He just kept saying sorry. He repeated that I was his best friend and he didn't want me out of his life. I told him that it would be hard to see him for a while. I gave him a hug and he barely touched me. I had to ask him for a real hug to get him to hold me. He told me he hoped we could hang out again in the future.
A week later, word got to him that I told people how emotionless and uncaring he seemed when he broke up with me the second time. He called me and essentially berated for saying as such and that he was a good boyfriend and this was a healthy break up. It is far from it. It hurt me that he didn't realize how much I sacrificed for him during our time together. He told me he did feel guilty about what he did and did care about me. He was crying while he shouted at me. He made me feel super guilty for questioning if his behavior was due to the Lexapro or depression. I haven't done anything wrong, so why did I let him guilt me?
He apologized later that night for lashing out at me, saying it wasn't my fault. An hour later, I recieved an email from one of his old housemates and an ex-best friend explaining to me why I should just move one. He told me about a side of my ex that I never knew. How he used to ignore my calls, tell people he didn't care about his girlfriends, and basically used me to make himself feel better. He also told me that my ex began smoking pot regularly during the end of last semester, something I was unaware of. This is radically different from the quiet, sensitive, geeky boy that I thought I knew. This friend also agreed that he noticed a change after my ex began taking Lexapro.
Other house mates and mutual friends have said that he's a scumbag, and to move on. None of them respect him anymore. They've told me how he seems to blow off his disastrous way of ending things with me as "a d--k move" and doesn't really seem to think of it as that bad or important. So, why did he call me crying about the guilt I made him feel? it seems to me as if he's trying to avoid feeling the guilt.
My main problem now is that I'm just extremely confused. I don't want to believe the boy I fell in love with was a lie and that the monster that everyone else sees is who he truly is.
He has assured me that our breaking up has nothing to do with me, that he's broken. Yet, he has also said that it has nothing to do with his depression or Lexapro, that it is just the way he feels. But that seems wrong. How can someone go from believing they love someone, to not having any romantic feelings at all, then regain those feelings ''for sure'' a month later and THEN decide that don't have those feelings again in two weeks time? That just seems irrational and not normal. It also hurts that he was ready to have sex with me, knowing important it is to me, and then break up the next day.
Part of me is really angry and hurt. I do feel used and, as bad as this sounds, I find myself wishing that he would feel guilty for using me. But he doesn't seem guilty at all. In fact, he questioned why I seem hurt and resentful. I told him how I felt like he used me physically during the two weeks we got back together (all we really did was intimate activities) and he didn't see it that way at all. His friends keep telling me that I should feel this way, that he's a terrible person. But then the depression factor makes me feel guilty. What can I hold him accountable for? Is his depression a valid excuse for how he's treated me in the past? Am I allowed to be mad at him?
I also miss him terribly. At least, I miss the person I thought I knew. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Could it be that I knew the real him under his illness? Was it that only I cared to look past his depression to see the sweet, caring boy on the inside? Or is everyone else right, and he was just playing smooth with me?
I guess I'd like to hear from anyone who has depression and can give me insight on why he has acted like this. And don't worry about giving me false hope. I have already accepted that we are not meant to be together. I'm am not trying to mend the relationship and I've already told myself that I can't go back to him if he ever asks for me again. I'm not strong enough to be in such a one-sided relationship. I'm only 19, I deserve to live life for a while. He is also not the same person anymore, at all. He told me his weed use is getting out of control and he's using it as self medication. He also said he's drinking a lot more now. He's been missing classes and sleeping until the evening, like before, and still seems unmotivated. I don't want this "new" him.
I don't actively talk to him, only sometimes responding when he texts me. Yet, I find myself worrying about him most of the time. His friends here at school have pretty much lost respect for him, to the point of actively making sure he doesn't come to our parties. Some even hate him. His house mates only put up with him because he's paying rent. The lease is up next month and those house mates are leaving, so I don't know where he's going to live. He said he doesn't know either. If he stays here, he will essentially be alone. Should I feel guilty if I'm not there for him? Why do I still get anxiety over the thought of him hurting himself or suffering? He's used me enough and doesn't appreciate and I just want to stop caring.
I just want to answer these questions for myself. I wish I knew how to feel (angry, mournful, worried, ect). I would be grateful for any insight at all. Does this seem like something depression, anti-depressants, or both could cause? Or could he really be that awful of a person?
I am planning to see a counselor at my university, so don't worry, I am seeking a professional opinion on all of this. I just want to hear from others who have maybe gone through the same thing or have been in his shoes.
Your boyfriend is this little thing we call.. Bipolar.
It really doesn't change. i have Bipolar NLP, Its a bit different but much of the same.
Mine has less depression,(bizzare creative spurts of painting and playing the piano) but mood swings peaking into euphoria most of the time.
On behalf of him and myself, you should leave him and never look back.
People like us are wrecks, and clinical help is only moderate.
I'm sorry. -Ryan
My girlfriend and I had been dating for a little more than 4 years.
When the relationship started off, I had no idea that she struggled with depression. In fact, I'm not sure she even knew. She was a fun loving, exciting, out going, extreme, very playful, extravagant girl.
Around our 2 year mark, I started to notice that she suffers from depression and severe sleeplessness. I started to take action, and put in special effort to try and help her. I stayed up endless nights, chatting to her, keeping her company when she couldn't sleep. I wrote encouraging letters weekly. Organized surprise visits from her friends and even tried to make her happy by buying her hearts desires. Some days seemed to be going very wel, but then others would be hell. About a year later, my girls depression got so bad that she actually tried to commit suicide and ended up spending a week in intensive care. But, regardless of her blatant disregard for the love I had for her, and her extreme selfishness, I decided to keep by her side and love her even more everyday! I fought for her and just kept on going and going and going.
Then about six months ago, she decided to make a change and so she left for an outreach program where she would get the oppurtinoty to travel and help out the needy. This would only be a 6 months thing in total and i agreed in hope for her to find herself and break free from this depression. I told her that she doesn't need to worry about the relationship and that she should focus on herself. I was willing to give her all that freedom and wait for her because I loved her with all my heart. Then, shortly after she left, she started ignoring me and speaking to me as little as possible. I thought she took my advice of not focusing on the relationship at first (with communication being difficult and all), but then started to wonder. Roughly Three months in, she just simply called me up, and broke up with me. She did it so easily it seemed and moved on what felt like instantly. I still don't understand why and my heart is in a million pieces. I was planning on proposing to her when she came back! It all took me totally by storm!!
I feel like I'm the last person to give advice, but felt the need to share where I'm at at the moment. It may feel like there is nothing left for you at the moment, and I can absolutely relate.
Take heart girl. You've been made for greater things. Be strong and push forth. Don't allow your ex to drag you down with him. You will only be killing yourself. He is not your responsibility anymore, and the fact of the matter is that he made that decision! As much as you may feel that you want to be there for him, the truth is that you can't and quite frankly, shouldn't. You cannot be held back by his choices and his mistakes. He might come back to you someday saying how he regrets loosing you, but we all know where that will end up again. You need to move on. You cannot lag on in life as your are. I am 21 and also feel too young to be taken down by any of this. I encourage you to seek a new adventure! Go out and do something crazy and new.. Something totally different! Move cities, change something about yourself! Get a tattoo (Ive gotten two since my ex left me..) (make sure they have life long meaning though, and that it is well designed! It's pretty permanent! Haha)..
Take up an extreme sport or learn to play an instrument. Change in your life right now will be the absolute best thing for you.
I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through and what you are still going throug. I am proud of that you hadn't given him your virginity. I believe there will be an much more special time, place an person to give it up to. Don't give it to lightly! It is very special!
Be strong girl!
Hope my message helps.
I hope that helped
Think of it like this; he sees this constant imperfection in the world, something he will never be able to ignore, and it gives in, he gives in to this horrible feeling. He needs relief, some succor to this horrible feeling. Counseling didn't work, and anti-depressants aren't effective enough. So what does he do? He moves to drugs and relationships, he sees them as a source of happiness, and soon finds that he needs more, until he's abusing them. Finding himself draining every last drop of euphoria out of them, while exchanging it for his personality and sanity. His friends grow to resent him and he over-doses on his weed, easing the pain from the outside world.
Now the fun part; guessing the outcomes depending on your actions.
You cannot leave him, your emotions tell you to stay and overpower your reasoning. You continue to do this on and off dating schedule until your love for him wanes. He uses you and feels no emotional connection towards you. Just, need. You think of the past six months and realize you wasted them all. Going no where with your relationship. The next course of action you take is breaking up with him, and moving on with your life.
'What happens to him, then' is the location of your guilt. Your relationship was based on pity, and hope. You loved the way he was before his depression, and that is the problem. His old state of mind will never return, there is not the slightest chance of that. And while it may pain you to leave him in this vulnerable mind set, it is now permanent and there is no reversing it. There is nothing left. Now is a time when you must think of yourself. Sure, he may overdose on drugs and ultimately kill himself, but that will happen either way. Would you rather have that, or a more stable person, who cares about you.
Please understand that I am just a mere eighth grader and I apologize for any unpleasant comments that you may still find offensive.
I am 24, and have been in the exactly same situation as yours! Reading your post I felt as if you narrated my story.
I perfectly understand how you feel. I have felt..rather feel anger, lover, anxiety at the same time and have found myself worrying for my boyfriend most of the time. Sometimes, I feel I must just go away and carry on with my life, which I very much will, but then how can we stop loving someone so vulnerable? Love has many forms...we might not completely "unlove" the person, but then we just have to be silent and invisible yet love.
So, I am sharing with you what I am doing, and trust me it really helps:
Be his friend, be by his side, you may not always make your presence felt, but just be by his side silently.
Do not force yourself to stop caring, accept that you care! Think of yourself as a strong woman, a giver who has the strength to love, you must pity his situation and hence keep no expectations from him.
Get on with your life, but in some corner of your heart and mind keep a little space for him, for such people come in our lives, touch us and teach us a lesson. Think of him as a lesson.
i felt the same way has your ex-bf , feeling depressed . when i felt depressed i didn't want no one to talk or come to me so i broke up with my gf but she kept coming and helping me out i finally told her why i did what i did and she understands and got back with me . i would just be with him still and help him out , nothing says love on keeping your word for being there for him when it needs it .
My Boyfriend is doing the same thing to me for the last 2 and 1/2 years. I feel the same way you do and am not sure how to help him anymore. I jsut sucks cause I love him!
my bf right now feels like this he thinks of the world as imperfect, flawed,and corrupt. he gets in these moods sometimes and all i want to do is comfort him to take away his pain. sometimes he talks about killing himself and it hurts so much to hear him talk like this to always have this darkness in his mind. i know his past though and it is kind of dark. i just wish to help him see the brighter things in life instead of always seeing the horrid ones.
I'm 37, and have dealt with a lot of people with various mental illnesses. My mother - depression for decades, my best friend - undiagnosed depression (used drugs and booze to self medicate), and myself - I don't really know. I'm a highly functional drug addict and mild alcoholic. I'm self medicating for something but not sure what. Also, my wife has S.A.D, and anxiety. But luckily, she found a medication that works really well for both and is fine now.
My advice to you, is to find someone healthy. Seeing what my mothers depression did to her marriage (divorced, and an ugly one at that), and our family. I made a personal vow to not be with someone that has depression. I commend people that do. I mean, it's a great life lesson to live with someone that's depressed. But for me, I dealth with it with my mom for 20 years. I've done my time (yes it is sort of like a prison), and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm also on the verge of cutting my mother out of my life. I'm the last one. My sister and father won't talk to her. For their own sanity and self preservation, they've decided they have to cut off all ties.
Severe depression often doesn't have a happy ending. And since you only get one life. I recommend finding someone healthy.
Also, side note: the fact that you guys weren't having sex is a huge problem unto itself. Even if your boyfriend wasn't depressed that would be an issue. Sex isn't just about getting off. It creates a very important bond and helps both partners feel sexy and loved. Personally, I would put up with a girlfriend not willing to have sex for maybe a month at the most and then I would end it. And it sounds like you were making excuses. As a guy, I would assume there was something wrong and you have deep unresolved issues. And men crave sex. If he's not having it with you, he's going to be thinking about having it with someone else. Everyone else in this thread is focusing on the depression. You need to overcome your issue with sex first. You cannot have a healthy relationship without sex. I'm sorry, but I'm just trying to save a world of pain. You said after 6 months you still hadn't had sex? No relationship can survive that. Half of the reasons he told he wanted to break up were probably lies. You can't be sure what is true or not. Also, he's already depressed and his girlfriend won't sleep with him. That would make even the most healthy of men depressed. I would feel completely worthless. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just being honest. Because of the way society is, men measure their worth based on sex. And he knows that you're not just going to never have sex. You're going to resolve the issue eventually with someone. Women with your problem always do (unless you become a nun or something). So he's probably wondering why you're not resolving it with him. Like you're waiting for the next more worthy boyfriend. Which must feel awful for him.