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My life has been relatively good, I shouldn't have a lot to complain about, but I can't help always being sad, or mad, or empty.

Some experiences I've had that might be relevant I guess

 

-My parents fought a lot(I guess) when I was younger, usually a yelling at each other fight every month at least. The fighting didn't really bother me anymore, I had heard the same thing for years then. 

The fighting kinda heated up when my grandma got sick and had to stay with us, but that was natural, it was quite a strain. After she died on Christmas there was a little bit of quiet. Then my sister started getting ready for college and one day they came home and they started fighting, but this time seemed off, more intense. My mom sent me out to the other room, and about 20 minutes later she walked by and yelled nonchalantly yelled "WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED" and from there, it was awful. Every week, if not day was yelling. 

After a few months, my dad came out and admitted he had been cheating on my mother for about half a year and that was the worst that it got. The fighting went on for months after, but during that, was the worst of it.

I watched my mother try to kill herself in front of me, and watched my dad rush her off to the hospital.

I had nightmares for a while, seeing her face the way it was when she looked at me.

 

But I brushed it off.

Then after about one more year, the fighting abruptly stopped, and I didn't care to question it. None of my friends knew what had transpired, I never told anyone anything like that, I don't want to bother anyone with my problems.

But so that happened, and it's been happy happy joy joy ever since.

But when I started my sophomore year I started talking to this girl. I just decided one day to talk to this girl I knew, but never KNEW.

After that one conversation we just talked every day, for about 10 months. I loved talking to her, it was the part of my day I looked forward to the most. I liked her a lot, but I never saw myself as a relationship type person so I just didn't tell her my feelings because there wasn't much point. (I'm also really self-conscious)

But so we talked and talked and after about 5 months she told me she loved me! LOVE. And I did too, I really did.

She had a boyfriend at the time, so it wasn't really very ethical. After school had ended, she broke up with her boyfriend and we kinda got together. We hung out a few times, and we kissed. (which was a first so obviously a big deal to me)

But about a month in, she just, got back with her previous boyfriend. Just, got back with him.

She told me that she still loved me, but just wasn't ready for that type of relationship with me. That her current boyfriend was, "he's quick, and easy and like me". (He's someone she can smoke with and such)

(he's also a kinda...douchey guy, she fights with him a lot) I still loved her of course, and understood(I guess) her decision and respected it because of course I still wanted to be her friend and told her that if she ever wanted to try again I would be here.

After that she stopped talking to me as much and I just got really low. Every day was a challenge.

I felt this way before our relationship and during(which lasted from June to July) but I guess this was more prevalent, with nothing to take my mind off of it. I lost interest in absolutely everything. I couldn't even sleep because I would have nightmares, not really anything specific, but they would be troubled sleeps. I couldn't draw because I only can when I'm happy, I couldn't play my piano because it just made me angry, among other things that did that to me.  I just felt awful, all the time. I went to a few parties, spent time with my family, tried being happy and I was, for them, but the entire time, no matter how hard I tried I always felt empty, and alone. I could do nothing about it. I had to cry myself to sleep at night. Which made me feel worse because despite my seeming understanding of the sexism it only diminished me meager sense of masculinity. I never wanted to tell myself I was really depressed, because I'm sure I'm not THAT bad. Other people have it worse. I never wanted to tell anyone because I didn't want to bother them with my problems, everyone always knew me as the happy-all-the-time guy and I liked being that person. It wasn't like anyone really cared anyway, so why bring it up.

Killing myself was never an option, while it does come up in my head I would never be able to do it, it wouldn't be fair to the people around me. Family and such. To put them through that trouble just because I was feeling down.

I'm also currently starting at a new school(a vocational school for high-school students where every kid is a new kid[juniors are new in the Senior-Junior school[ and my confidence just keeps getting lower and lower)

But that's it, that's MY story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi story-writer, Thankyou for sharing your story. You ask if you are depressed or not. From what you describe it sounds like you could be but no-one on an internet forum can tell you for sure. There us a thread on this forum called 7 ways to beat depression naturally. I didn't start the thread but have given some info about how depression can feel and things you can do to help yourself. Read through and see if any if it resonates with you. But I would caution that it is important to seek help for depression or any other mental health issue. And you may not have depression, or you may have it have some other mental health concerns as well. anxiety and depression often go together. Only a qualified mental health professional can really tell you and treat you if necessary. You say that things arent that bad and lots if other people have it worse than you do. and that's true. But its also irrelevant. What matters is not hoe bad others have things compared to you but how you are feeling about and coping with the struggles in your life. Just because someone else might be in a worse situation than you doesn't mean that the pain you are feeling doesn't matter. It does. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for too long. I rationalised it by saying, "other women have it worse. At least he doesnt beat me up". but he hurt me greatly and that did matter. You have been through a lot over the years, with your parents fighting, your mums suicide attempt, your recent break up. And you sound like a very sensitive person so of course those things ate going to affect you. Please read the post I mention above, it has some useful info that I won't repeat here. But what I will say is don't go through this alone. It's too hard to carry it all yourself. Talk to a trusted adult about how you are feeling. If it is a parent that would be great, but it could be an uncle or aunt, teacher, school counsellor, grandparent, trusted family friend etc. And while its great to be the fun guy, its ok to let the mask slip sometimes with true friends and family. That's what they are there for. That is something girls and women find easier to do than men and boys. But pretending takes a lot of energy and you aren't letting people are the real you. And I get a sense that the real you is someone who is sensitive, creative, thoughtful and caring, as well as fun and articulate. girls and women love that. You also talk about your masculinity. Gender is so narrowly defined in our society that it makes it hard for people who don't conform. But it gets better once you leave school. You have more choices then about the circles you mix in. You get to choose a course or career that is likely filled with like minded people. It is important to be true to yourself, but that can be hard in a school environment. I wish you well. Please ask for help, dont go through this alone. And check out the Headspace, Reachout or Beyond Blue websites. They are Australian but have great info on mental health for young people. All the best
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