My life has been relatively good, I shouldn't have a lot to complain about, but I can't help always being sad, or mad, or empty.
Some experiences I've had that might be relevant I guess
-My parents fought a lot(I guess) when I was younger, usually a yelling at each other fight every month at least. The fighting didn't really bother me anymore, I had heard the same thing for years then.
The fighting kinda heated up when my grandma got sick and had to stay with us, but that was natural, it was quite a strain. After she died on Christmas there was a little bit of quiet. Then my sister started getting ready for college and one day they came home and they started fighting, but this time seemed off, more intense. My mom sent me out to the other room, and about 20 minutes later she walked by and yelled nonchalantly yelled "WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED" and from there, it was awful. Every week, if not day was yelling.
After a few months, my dad came out and admitted he had been cheating on my mother for about half a year and that was the worst that it got. The fighting went on for months after, but during that, was the worst of it.
I watched my mother try to kill herself in front of me, and watched my dad rush her off to the hospital.
I had nightmares for a while, seeing her face the way it was when she looked at me.
But I brushed it off.
Then after about one more year, the fighting abruptly stopped, and I didn't care to question it. None of my friends knew what had transpired, I never told anyone anything like that, I don't want to bother anyone with my problems.
But so that happened, and it's been happy happy joy joy ever since.
But when I started my sophomore year I started talking to this girl. I just decided one day to talk to this girl I knew, but never KNEW.
After that one conversation we just talked every day, for about 10 months. I loved talking to her, it was the part of my day I looked forward to the most. I liked her a lot, but I never saw myself as a relationship type person so I just didn't tell her my feelings because there wasn't much point. (I'm also really self-conscious)
But so we talked and talked and after about 5 months she told me she loved me! LOVE. And I did too, I really did.
She had a boyfriend at the time, so it wasn't really very ethical. After school had ended, she broke up with her boyfriend and we kinda got together. We hung out a few times, and we kissed. (which was a first so obviously a big deal to me)
But about a month in, she just, got back with her previous boyfriend. Just, got back with him.
She told me that she still loved me, but just wasn't ready for that type of relationship with me. That her current boyfriend was, "he's quick, and easy and like me". (He's someone she can smoke with and such)
(he's also a kinda...douchey guy, she fights with him a lot) I still loved her of course, and understood(I guess) her decision and respected it because of course I still wanted to be her friend and told her that if she ever wanted to try again I would be here.
After that she stopped talking to me as much and I just got really low. Every day was a challenge.
I felt this way before our relationship and during(which lasted from June to July) but I guess this was more prevalent, with nothing to take my mind off of it. I lost interest in absolutely everything. I couldn't even sleep because I would have nightmares, not really anything specific, but they would be troubled sleeps. I couldn't draw because I only can when I'm happy, I couldn't play my piano because it just made me angry, among other things that did that to me. I just felt awful, all the time. I went to a few parties, spent time with my family, tried being happy and I was, for them, but the entire time, no matter how hard I tried I always felt empty, and alone. I could do nothing about it. I had to cry myself to sleep at night. Which made me feel worse because despite my seeming understanding of the sexism it only diminished me meager sense of masculinity. I never wanted to tell myself I was really depressed, because I'm sure I'm not THAT bad. Other people have it worse. I never wanted to tell anyone because I didn't want to bother them with my problems, everyone always knew me as the happy-all-the-time guy and I liked being that person. It wasn't like anyone really cared anyway, so why bring it up.
Killing myself was never an option, while it does come up in my head I would never be able to do it, it wouldn't be fair to the people around me. Family and such. To put them through that trouble just because I was feeling down.
I'm also currently starting at a new school(a vocational school for high-school students where every kid is a new kid[juniors are new in the Senior-Junior school[ and my confidence just keeps getting lower and lower)
But that's it, that's MY story.