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Hi. My name is Jake, I am 20 years old. I just stumbled on this forum in a pretty desperate search for wisdom to get through this. I just quit smoking, and after 5 days I just smoked again last night because I ended up suicidal and I couldn't get ahold of anyone but my dealer.

I have always been an incredibly unhappy individual. I have severe anxiety (before the pot). I am afraid to be around my own family, and I still have anxiety or pannic attacks knowing my best (and only) friend is coming over. In public I feel that I simply cannot function as myself. My mind completely blanks, I am drenched in sweat, and I feel that I just can't function, besides panic. In result in order to function I enter a dissociative state and just act and hope that no one is looking at me while I stare off into space in neurosis and paranoia. And that was before the weed.

I have been diagnosed in the past with anxiety, bipolar, and even manic depressive and once (kind of a humorous diagnosis) "mildly psychotic". Those were old days and I never took treatment seriously. During this time (around 17) I experimented with DXM very heavily and had a near death experience that I believe caused me legitimate brain damage. My neurosis seemed to multiply after I survived this (kidney shut down for 4 days in an inpatient treatment). I feel that this was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. My dissociative state seems almost permenant , now.

At 18.5 I met a girl who completely turned my world upside down. Females cause me the most anxiety because of a complex I have with my mother (who is very unstable... she seems like me multiplied by many... refuses treatment... and instead has talked to a psychic for 10 years, and now she believes she predicts the future and there is no way to talk to her without her using it as a form of control and abuse over everyone, in any conversation). She has also for my entire life told me that I have no legitimate problem with anxiety... but I know that every moment of my life since around age 12 has been one long anxiety ritual. Anyway... back to the girl. I came into a relationship with her... got my own place... was living this ass backwards life, compared to how I was. I started smoking pot, because she did. I thought that my life had completely turned around. I didn't smoke much (an ounce between us would last 2+ weeks), and was actively fighting my anxiety much stronger than before. Almost a year and a broken lease later, it turned out she was always engaged to her ex in Vegas, and fled and lied and I ended up finding out the true reason at work, from overhearing people talking about her true departure. My world has since fallen apart and I have even less trust in people. My smoking quadrupled...

And now to my recent times... I smoke anywhere from 1/4 an ounce to 2/3 an ounce a day. On the weekends I will put away a whole ounce and wish that I had more, and still feel like i'm regulating myself, which is scary.

I just tried to quit... and I realized that I am Jake, emotionally stunted from the 18 year old he was, and all progress has been in vain. I am realizing I need to completely turn my life around but I feel completely incapable of functioning from the start. I truly don't know what to do. My anxiety now is so bad... it drives me to feeling suicidal. I feel like clawing my eyes out or something....

Are there any tips... mantras... something... to get me through this? Something to remind myself during the hard times, if anyone can relate to this personality structure? I am absolutely miserable in my anxiety, before the pot. At this point I feel like I have no true sense of self because i've forced a dissociative state for so long to cope. The weed was such a crutch, up until I could no longer run away from my pain with it. It didn't take long for glory days to completely shut off.

:$ :'(


thank you jetpackjake for this truthful, insightful post.

my story is soo similar to yours and it makes me feel like im not alone. ive been havin issues with depression, anxiety, depersonalisation for many years now and ive been smokin a lot of pot these past days and it seems like my fear -anxiety has has increased tenfold. Idont even want to talk to people anymore. im considering taking a break, anyway i have no choice since im going to run out of money very soon and be miserable for a couple of days, cuz im numbin my intense, mixed emotions and once i stop smokin they will come back in a crazy manner , although i am unhappy right now anyways.

i hope youre doing better. feel free to send a me pm.

 thank you once again. take care.