Sexually estranged because of incest

For me it wasn't my going to my mother's bed (I'm her son) it was her coming to my bed until I was 13. Years later as an adult man 25, 35 even 45 when I visited my parents from out of town my mother would still come into my bedroom during the night to "try" to sleep with me. I had to push her out of my bed and say "incest" to her. The last visit after my father died I had to lock the door. I was told never to do that in case of fire. How I wish I did way before then. And she would slug me in the arm and slam my bedroom door. Like I had violated her 'right' .

Ever since I lived on my own as an adult my sexually feeling felt repressed. I have always slept nude on my own. I'm a naturist (nudist) but never have been sexually aggressive. In fact I have a low sex drive ever since 18 or 19 whenever we (boys) were supposed to be SO turned on I never was. Cause and effect...I don't know still at almost 60 years of age I can't solve my emotional intimacy disorder my first therapist diagnost me with in my twenties. It has been a very lonely life. I estranged myself from her the last 7 years of her life in 1999. She would never have the discussion to talk about the sleeping together. I was so willing to forgive her for her just to get past all this, but she was never willing to talk about it. She only said what I say is "untrue". This is what has haunted me all my life. Never being able to deal with it directly.

I feel some relief just writing this into the internet, but what I want is an ISA or SIA meeting to talk about it again, but here in Houston they don't exist for men.

Any response would be welcome. THANK YOU! Another survivor sort of...
Bryan