I was 18 when I got pregnant and never forgive myself for that despite the fact that I used to think that God gave me a precious daughter which I look every single day and feel that despite of my misery, struggle, my life still have some meaning. I am a single mom, was a full time student taken 18 credits and still managed two full time jobs, just to give her a better life which I does. Today, I just found out my 13 years old princess has being sexually active. I just felt something been taken away from me. I feel that my life have no meaning anymore . I know it will be hard for some people to undesrtand. Reader, the story of young woman struggle to raise her baby on her own, social security, no child support. Actually, my no longer daughter never knew her father. I raised by myself and with the help of my great mother. I live for this girl. Every day when I look at her, this is what give me courage to wake up in the morning and go to work. This give me the reason to live. She was my inspiration. Because of her I accomplished so much in my life. I went to university, got myself two masters degree, have a great job, successfull 32 years old single mom and gave everything she wish for. I gave up my own happiness for hers. Because of her, I never get married or even in a relationship. Cause I didn’t want to give her a stepfather. I wanted to be a role model for her. I have being single for the longest I can remember cause I promised myself that I will protect her and make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake that I made. Here I am today before my laptop, begging for a miracle, hoping for this horrible news to be a dream and that miracle haven’t come yet. Why me? Why life have to be so unfair and hard. Is it because I am wasn’t good enough to be a mother. What I have done wrong? What I haven’t teach my daughter? You know what so silly, all the great things that I have done in my life---try to be best person that I can be. Try to be good to others and this is how God if he even exist rewarded me. I raised other people’s kids and they turn out to be good. I never have that problem with my Goddaughter which I also raised on my own and never have that prob with her, now she’s 16. I feel that my life have no meaning anymore and there is no purpose for me to try harder or to even live. I know for sure that I will not be able to live in the same house with no longer my daughter, knowing that she’s a woman. I need help! I am going crazy. I just feel like dropping my no longer daughter to a forest or a place where I will no longer see her anymore. Please, anybody, Help.
Your daughter is not an object you can model by your own unfulfilled desires and abandon her as soon as she shows that she is not perfect. No one forced you to give up on your life, least of all your daughter – it was your choice. Neglecting a minor still is regulated by the law for these very reasons.
Thank you for your prompt reply. I think somewhere in this world somebody is actually listening. I know that no one forced me to give up on my life, but Sometime it's a decision that one has to make when we love someone so badly. I also think it's the job of a mother or a father to protect their children and i just feel that I am a failure. there is a say "Bees always care for their honey. Maybe parenting is not my field, that's why i am looking for someone who can do a better job than me to take my no longer daughter. Maybe you a male and don't really know how that feel to watch your 13 years old, your baby...
So my point is that first of all, it is not your fault. You do not have to feel guilty about what your daughter has done because as always, there are some people that did worse. Second of all, I don't think that a mother who truly loves her daughter would be likely to leave her in a forest. Like Nikols said before me, your daughter is not an object. Of course it's your "creation", but she is a person just like you, who makes mistakes and makes good things. My advice would be to talk with her about the danger of a sexually active life at her age. Ask if she is protected for pregnancy. Ask if she is protected from STDs. Ask her since when she has had sexual activities. I often tell my parents that I didn't get traits from someone else than them. So maybe ask yourself what pushed you to become pregnant at 18 years old and you will have already done a good way understanding your daughter.
I want to tell you a last thing. Do not forget that at her age, your daughter is changing, both physically and mentally. At this age, the last thing you want is to be infamous for something, or be different from "the others". Do not forget she is sexually active for some reasons (valid or not for you) so as a mother, you have to talk to her about those reasons and show her that they are good or not.
So I get that your hurt and upset and mad, but I'm sure you still love your daughter and don't really mean all the things you've said, or at least I hope not! She's still your daughter and a good kid! Shes just growing up and experiencing things faster then she and you may be ready for. Let her know you love her and are always there for her, I'm not saying to say you approve of it, you can let her know you don't and that you think shes too young, but that's her choice to make.
If there are other things going on, like drugs and skipping school and being disrespectful, then that's a different story, but just because shes having sex, doesn't mean you should love her any less!
I understand that GUT WRENTCHING feeling about what she has done honey, I DO - you have NO idea how much! BUT IF you leave her now to flounder then she will TRUELY be lost to you and to society! And GOD knows what will become of her! There have been MANY times I HAD it with my son! I wanted to get on a Greyhound bus and just go away for EVER! And last year - when he was in rehab - and I had to meet with him and a counsellor he turned to me and ALL of a sudden he was my LITTLE Lamb! And he said "Mom! why do you keep being here for me? If I were you I would have walked away a long time ago!" And I turned to him and said "Because YOU are my life!" And I think THAT moment he understood that there was NOTHING I wouldn't do for him! Even if it took picking up the pieces of my shattered dreams, folding them in a napkin, and putting them away for safe keeping! I STILL have my boy and he will become what he becomes and I am still here to guide him as much as he needs and wants! And when I think about what would have happened IF I had walked away! I think sooner or later I would have been informed that he was either in jail or dead!
In this day and age of sex videos making these nobody's famous and millionaires, or nude pictures of starlettes from Disney and other stars from Disney getting pregnant or in rehab! HOW are our children supposed to be stoic against ALL the pressures from boys and other girls? It takes an IMMENSE amount of inner strength for young girls - especially - NOT to buy into ALL of the bombardment of sex, drugs, rehab etc etc etc. It's almost the norm for crying out loud! As I tell other young girls on here, I will tell you - mother to mother - JUST because she has had sex, does NOT mean she needs to do it again! Believe me she GET'S that you are disgusted and heart broken! And the ONLY advice I can give you is to hang in there and TALK! Start having one on ones and demand to be heard and visa versa! Your love for your daughter is palpable, and she knows that too! NOW is the time to step up and show her just how much you love her, and that "OK You screwed up BIG time, BUT I STILL love you and we WILL work this out TOGETHER" she needs - as do my boys - to know that she CAN come to you with ANY question! My boys have asked me questions where I look like this o.O :O %-) :$ :-D I just sit there and think "Keep your cool keep your cool" And I answer their questions - because if WE don't where are they getting their answers from? Others, the media, videos, games, movies, tv shows etc. And THAT is ALL c**p! And you and I know that so teach her to want MORE for her life and that even though she messed up this does NOT have to define her and you! BIG HUGS honey! IT WILL get better I promise!
Thank you so much for your email and advices. They meant a lot to me. I have being crying and crying since yesterday. My day became night and my night became day. I didn't know what to do or where to turn to. I couldn't turn to friends because they will judge me. They will think it was because I had it when I was 18 maybe that's why my daughter is having it without realizing that I am came from a country where mother has to sell their daughters at an earlier age (It was normal thing for them to do at the time) to survive. I from a country where the level of poverty is so high, for some, selling their bodies were the only way out. Till day I still blame that society, support these young girls and advocate against the injustice of (If I may call it) violence against young girls. I was lucky enough to came to the landed of opportunity where I didn't have to be the object of a man to survive and thought that I will do whatever in my power to make sure that my daughter does not make the same mistake as me. Hearing that news, honesty, was a total disaster for me. I know that one day my little princess will turn to a woman, but I just didn't know it will happen so soon and that's what killing me right now.
I thank you so much for your moral support and glad that I had found this site. You know sometime we can not run to our friends and talking to a stranger is so much helpfull. Thanks again mom. I am sorry about your son. As you said, things will get better.
At 13 I REALLY doubt it was all hormones, I truly believe she felt like she had no choice - either DO IT or be called every name in the book! I and you both know how that feels - that VIOLATION! That betrayal of heart and soul, and that feeling that you can NEVER get clean enough! And that you are branded by an invisible sign for ALL the world to see! And it is YOU who has to tell her that this does NOT define her! It does NOT make her a s***! IT was a terrible mistake and she needs to shed it and try and move on from it as do you - TOGETHER! And you will need to look at her differently than you did! and you need to be on her but also listen! So keep me updated OK!? And let me know how things are going! And IF you ever need a shoulder or to talk to someone I'm here OK?
Thank you so much for being such a great help to me. And I am so sorry about your son, I think now he is in good hand and back on track. I really admire your strenght. You know when it's come to these things, I am not strong at all. I was talking to her today and she said the same thing that you just said. 'She was forced by her friends to do it.' You know sometime in life we get to a point where we want so much for our kids, we want to give them the best, best place, best school and best town. And that's when things turn out to be bad. I thought if I move to such city maybe my kids will have better education, better social life andthis turn out to be a disaster. And That's what I being victimized of. I moved to nice and rich town, if I may say, thinking that my daughter will be safe there, and she totally changed because she tried to fit in and I don't know why she thinks she has to. I think moving there was my biggest mistake.
Thanks again for your kind of support and I will definitely keep you posted on things. Hope all is well with your boys! With a mother like you, I am positive things will get better for them. Have a nice weekend.
No, I'm not a man but I do know very well how it is for a child to be marked through entire life by single irresponsible and stupid thing. You are her world and her mother and if you aren't there for her - who will be? Both of you must work together to get this behind you.
I reacted the way I did because these threats scared me to death! I know how it is to be left by people you loved most and I don't want that to anyone.
Really wish you all the strength to deal with this hard situation!
Status in school is EVERYTHING to a child - they have ZERO inner strength! they are desperate to "Fit In" it is awful! And to me it is like cyber rape! IF that makes any sense to you! IF your daughter didn't do what this boy or group wanted her to do, she would be labelled and her world would come crashing down - with NASTY hateful bullying that has killed MANY children - through suicide! The CONSTANT 24/7 bullying is BEYOND anything we had to endure as children! And these kids worlds can be shattered by one nasty comment! My heart actually breaks for your daughter! I have talked to SO many girls over the years, that have TRUE FEAR about IF they don't do IT what's going to happen to their lives and future? And as you know about being a teenager WHAT is more important, SELF WORTH or The worth that society states? And unfortunately it is the latter!
When I heard most of the words of these RAP songs and then looked at my son, ALL I wanted to do was start a class action lawsuit against EVERYONE of these you know whats! They talk about drugs, money, sex, hoes etc etc. It is DISGUSTING! And the boys and some of the girls emulate that lifestyle! IF you could see some of the pictures that my son receives from girls it would make you throw up!!! And he has ZERO respect for them! The way I hear his buddies talking about these girls is SICKENING! And I have told both of my boys that IF they EVER make a girl do something or try and talk her into having sex, they will deal with me! And believe me IF I ever heard anything, my boys know that I would actually attack them!
there are girls having plastic surgery as young as 14 15 to have breast implants - they haven't even stopped growing yet! There are families that are paying for their daughters noses to be corrected or ears to be pinned - because their daughters are being bullied about their looks! It is CRAZY! And virtually ALL of the girlfriends of my son, feel like it's NO big deal - when I KNOW that inside they are DEVESTATED what has happened to them, and they feel like they need to keep on doing it - because what's the point? And you have to tell her there is NO need to do it again! I can only tell you what I did honey, and THAT was threaten my son's friends IF they gave him dope, smoked around him etc. I contacted ALL the parents of the boys involved and let them have it! I turned ALL of their worlds upside down, I outed EVERYONE of them! But as my dear friends note, that there is NOTHING compared to my wrath! And the good thing is that these boys - whom my son grew up with - knew exactly what I'm about! So there were no threats back! And sometimes I look at the news stories about children who were TOTALLY bullied and I think "Why didn't the parents attack these bullies?" Because that is what I have done! It is TERRIBLE I know but I've done it and NO in the least embarrassed about it! I was protecting my kids and I thought that was my job!
So keep talking to your daughter - and give her a hug - she needs to know that she CAN come to you BEFORE anything and for you to not just say "NO!" but to give her alternative things to do and say, and how to deal with it positively and not be in that situation again! Guide her honey! Swallow your pride and hurt and just BE MOM! And don't beat yourself up about where you took her or brought her up, it's about SOCIETY NOT about you! OK?
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to write me. I heard of all the things that you said about TV, medial, Social Network, society and so on. And all mentioned are totally true. TV actually make it harder for both parents and children to survive without being a victim of it. It take really a strong person or a strong kids to really survive in a society such as ours. I have to tell you I am 32 years old, don't watch TV or leasing to some meaningless Rap song. The only TV channel that I watch really are CNN and Discovery Channel. Sometime I will heard people talking about singer that rapper, honestly I have no cloud. My friends used to tll me how can you live without television or radio and I told them these things are not my kind of thing. This is to say, that you absolute right about everything you said. We are our worst enemy and sometime we are too naive or just ignorant to see it! We create all these things that you have mentioned and now they are harming us.
With respect to my daughter, honestly Bambi, I don't think I am ready to digest it, just forget about it and just move on. The more I think about it the harder it is for me. Each time this thing came to my mind, it's like a bad dream and I start to have stomach harsh. It's not easy to just talk to her. I talked to her about these things serveral time, I taught her about the world, people friends, and so on. I always told her if there is something somebody ask her and she does not understand, she should come and ask me. I made her my friend. I even asked everyday single day, if she has a secret admire or if there a boy at her school who likes her or that she likes. I talked to her about the danger of sex, teenage pregnancy, having a boyfriend at an early, even told her about the evil side of men. I don't think there was anything that I having tell this girl and she always make it seem that she understand and asked me to trust her. I have to tell you that daughter of mine is pathological liar and there is noway I could have seeing something like coming.
I try my very best as a mother. Now, she's a woman, I think it's the time to let her go and make her own mistakes, maybe she will learn something from it if she's lucky enough. I think as a mother, I gave her to much. Some Human being cannot live without pain or misery. Sometime, I wish that I had her life and have what she has and I told her that all the time. Always toll her how lucky she is. I always told her about my struggle growing up, she cried and make seem that she was sorry for me and proud of me. When her teacher asked her who is her role model, she said "my mom is my role model". This is to tell you that she doesn't mean anything she said. I don't think she even feel sorry for what she done.
I know you going to say I cannot let a 13 years old go to make her own mistake. Tust me, if she experienced the life that I experienced for many years, maybe she will have purposes and ambition in life. She will pray God to never experience something like that again. My daughter have not taste the water that I had tasted when I was her age, so she doesn't know how lucky she is. I want her now to go back there and try to make it on her own cause I made on my own. Grew up without a father who was there for me, a mother who had to struggle on her own and could not even afford to feed her children, I don't have to tell you put them to school. I started school at the age of 9/10. Have to worked at a very early age. Still remember those night when I have to go to bed with empty stomach and wake up with empty stomach go to school and hoping for a miracle to happen when I got home and realised that God left this Planet long time ago, therefore there is no miracle coming. I still remember those nightmare, the abuse that i have to face and now I looked at myself and laugh about it, Yet still remember where I came from. My life experience led to whoI became today.
I don't think kids who raise where they find everything provided to them have no purpose to fight for something meaningful because there is nothing that they really need or wanted to have. especially kids in America. They have the law behind them, they have parents caring for them, they have everything. As a little girl growing up, I wanted to have so much things...Hmh, I am still remember those days. for many years, I was traumatise. I remember there was a time where I just wanted to ended my own life and I just tought of this little girl that I will live behind and just changed my mind. It was like I woke up from a bad dream. for many years I live for her and thank God everyday for her. She was my motivation and gave me a reason to fight harder. Sometime, I had a bad da, I will just look at her photo, I smiled and keep moving. I never thought that one day I will hate my daughter. I wish this was just a dream. Now I just feel my life has no purpose, and there is no reason for me to fight. Bambi, just couple days ago, I was at work looking on the net so that I can start planning my daughter sweet16 and I was say to myself, I can't believe my daughter is 13 and will be going to High school this year. I just couldn't believe. I was so proud of myself to have a daughter who never give me any trouble and who going to high school. We were even talking about university because she wants to be a lawyer.
Reading your story, I know you what's like to see that your dream being taking away. I just feel that somebody some steal my only little dream and it's hurt. It's really hurt. I can tell you this I hate my daughter for the lies she has told me, for the pain she has caused and I don't think I will able to see her in months, may take years and I don't have to tell you about talking to her because now that I think about it, there is nothing that we haven't talk really other than she just decided to go and have sex. I know myself and I will not be able to live with this in my heart. I just want her to be out of my life and Come back when she become the daughter that I raised because the one that I seeing now, is defintely not my daughter.
Sorry Bambi for disappointed for you, I wish that I was like you. A woman of courage, but I am not. I really weak. I read every word that you wrote me, they make me feel better for couple minute and after that it become more painfull and painfull. Takecare yourself.
You raised your daughter by yourself correct!? So has her father ever been in her life at all? Like does she see him and talk to him and spend time with him? Or any male role model at all? Because if not, then despite your good upbringing you had for your daughter, and the love you had for her, and being caring and open and providing her everything she needs, there is still something missing in her life! And if she has no contact with him at all, then she may feel like she isn't good enough and that he didn't want her and doesn't love her. And when your a teen and feeling that you aren't good enough or loved enough it hurts, real bad! And you will pretty much do anything to try and fill that void, even though you realize later, that it doesn't work! That nothing will ever replace that hurt! Because actually, just writing all that, made me think that I want nothing more then to be loved, and I was trying so hard to find that, and if any guy showed the slightest interested I was all for it, because that is missing in my life! So maybe, even without her even realizing it, the same thing might just be going on for your daughter! And you need to help her through that and have that conversation with her.
Also, you even said how she stated she was pushed into having sex. She probably didn't even really like this guy, or in that way. She wasn't ready! She was pushed! Like myself! And didn't have the strength to not go through with it, because like bambi said, your reputation is on the line! But you also can't win either way, because if you go through with it then they think your easy and will call you a s***! When that's not the case at all! Shes probably hurt and feels gross, but she may also like it, like the attention and then affection, she might think that this is what love is!
With the lying thing, she probably didn't want to hurt you and disappoint you. Like your feeling now! And with how your reacting I don't blame her for not telling you. If you want her to be open with you, then you need to be calm! And talk to her. Let her know how it feels when she lies, and what lies can cause.
You had sex at a young age also, so think back to that, think about what it was like for you, why you did it, how you felt about it. Remember all the pressure!
Before you found out she was having sex you loved her right? Things between the two of you were good? So then why should one little mistake make any difference? She knows she messed up, believe me, I bet you she regrets it all the time!! She feels that!! Now she needs you to make it all better! Yes it will be hard to trust her again, but that should not make you hate her!! You may hate her actions, but please don't ever say you hate her okay? Don't ever tell her that!! Its hard and its a shock, but you will get through it. Just be open and talk to her, and listen to her and don't freak out!
But I bet you her not having a father in her life, has something to do with it. She didn't do this to hurt you or make you feel like you failed, she did it because shes hurt and was pressured, she thought he loved her and she was curious and wanted to experience it. So try not to take it so personally okay?
She's lucky to have you! Someone who cares about her and wanted more for her! She knows that too!
I hoped I helped a little, I just needed to get that out there, because I did and am going through all of that c**p, and there's nothing more then she needs right now then for you to be there for her and love her and guide her! So don't ever stop!
When I HAD IT! In the summer, my youngest said to me "Mom you CAN'T give up on him, he's your son, and it's for good or bad!" And I looked at him and replied "He couldn't care less about being MY son, it only becomes important when he wants it too" that is just how mad I was! I demonized EVERYTHING he did and said! I hated the way he ate, breathed, looked, talked, walked etc. I just wanted to beat him senseless! And would just leave the room whenever he walked in! THEN I saw him at his lowest point, and after weeks of feeling hatred and spewing HORRIBLE venom from my mouth! I finally realized that under ALL this bravado there was a scared little boy! MY BOY! Who still needed and was desperate for his mom and dad - mainly me, because it was ME who handled ALL things to do with the kids! And when we went to family counselling, the main man there said "They will ALWAYS hurt the ones they love the most!" And that is true! And I took his demise SO personally it was ALL about my thought of HIM attacking ME!!! And how dare he?!
You are a fighter and a victor my love! And you have overcome incredible odds to raise your daughter and that makes you a GREAT woman and human being! Just a couple of days ago you were still on that path of feeling like you had this great life - that YOU ALONE created and almost like blowing your own trumpet! As in "LOOK What I did by myself?!" And rightly so you were a proud mother and woman! THEN she shattered your fantasy and your picture! I equate this feeling of betrayal like having a jigsaw puzzle and it took you YEARS to put all the pieces correctly together, and with 1 swipe this person that you love more than life itself, came and shattered the jigsaw into a thousand pieces! And all of a sudden the pieces no longer fit together, and your perfect life has crumbled infront of your eyes! BECAUSE OF THIS PERSON! Just like any betrayal - cheating, abuse, neglect, etc - you HAVE to start putting the pieces of the puzzle back together! This is NOT the end of your life or hers honey! BUT IF you leave her to flounder and drown in this decrepit society, then BOTH of you will be lost!
Your pain is palpable, and I FEEL for you like you would not believe! And I've been there! My friends have been here holding me while I break my heart, they have brought me Kleenex, as I sob! My heart broke from the lost opportunity, the scarey situation, the lack of a good future etc etc etc! And slowly but surely it got easier - just like any other loss - there are the 5 steps of grief you are going through!
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging it all.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or getting even with the one who hurt you, and blaming them.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for it to NOT happen.
4-Depression- feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make a relationship. Realization that the person didn't do this on purpose. Finding the good and comfort and healing.
You will survive this honey I PROMISE. This WILL pass and you will grow from it! I know that you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. DON'T shut off your feelings towards her. And remember JUST because you were a STRONG Independent woman that made it against ALL odds! Does NOT mean she has the same strength - no matter how hard you tried - as I know you did! It is HER mark to bare! And You duty to help her overcome the shame of this - and for her to help you put the jigsaw back together again!
She is 13 and you are 32 honey! you have a lifetime of pain and experience where she is just learning what TRUE pain and dissapointment and failure is! And just like my son - that is THEIR problem that THEY created, BUT we can help them know that just because it is THEIR fault, doesn't mean it's a life sentence of despair and self hatred and NO family relations! "To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine!" Wise words especially for today!