Well most people know life can only get to rock bottom before it gets better, well my life is a prime example of this. I write this because I have friends who problems, although tiny for me, big for them. So, here goes, are you ready?!! Sit tight!! I know this might be removed and I could get told off - but here goes!
I was born on the 31st july to a happy loving family, mom and dad was always there ... so I never came from a 'broken family'. Life was always happy and fun as I remember it till I became 8 years old. 8 years old in 'his eyes' of age. Every weekend mom would take me, Karen and Darren(brother, then 17) to see him without fail and we would be left with him , afterall he was my grandad... how could he not be trusted? mom saw no reason not to. so, sure enough, we were left there for him to baby sit us.
About 15 minutes after mom leaving us alone we were allowed to play outside in the garden as it was summer at the time. I was told I had done something wrong yet to this day I still dont know what I did. In any case I was sent indoors and was told to sit on the sofa. Alone. He sat next to me. He told me that I had to 'put my hand' somewhere. Of course somewhere was inside his trousers. I guess even now I know I tried unconciously to block it out. but was I too young to realise what was happening?
Afterwards he told me that my punishment was over and this was a 'secret' I should not tell mommy otherwise she would be mad at what I had done to him and that I would put shame on my family. Numb to what had happened I was allowed to go back into the garden and play with my brother and sister. Nevertheless mom collected us and 'HE' was playing it cool and nevertheless I did not tell my mom... and it some ways I blame myself for not telling someone.
Although I do not know the exact period of time I believe it was about 4-5 months passed after my first 'experiance' I was babysat by him again... with my sister, and again we were in the livingroom and I was told I had been a very bad girl and I had to go into the Kitchen and await my punishment. I was made to perform oral sex on him, masturbate him and he touched me underneath my knickers. I began to put up a barrier to it, I became numb to the surroundings and I let him do it and then was told again mommy was not to know, if I did tell mommy she'd be angry and that he'd hurt me if I did.
This continued on and off for about a year I was 9, untill I screamed out and he covered my mouth. I was told that I had done terrible things and he pulled my clothes off me and I don't know how because I was wriggling and he must have put considerable weight on me. He pushed me against the kitchen cabinets and raped me. I wonder still why mom never noticed the abuse as I sustained bruises all over my body because of how violent he was. Again when mom picked me up he told me he'd kill me if i told mommy. Scared to death I told no-one, keeping up the happy go lucky child I was on the outside ... yet inside I suffered.
Throughout the next 2 years this occurred quite regularly, I was raped to the best of my knowledge 14 times until at 11 I begged mom not to take me anymore and after begging constantly she finally believed me... freedom at last?! Now I am just leaving college and I have only just told mom about the experiences ... It stayed in my own mind ... and figment of my memories... something I hoped would go away. Until recently my Flashback have been coming back regularly and I still don't know how to deal with it. But one thing I knew is I had to tell the Police. So two days before my 16th birthday we reported it, only to find there are other members in my family he abused but not as bad as me. Learning to live. I often get suicidal thoughts and have tried to kill myself a few times. What happened to him? Well I am still going through the courts for justice and he has been charged for four counts... so I have to goto court on the 16th of October 2006 and give evidence needless to say I am scared stiff.
Now I am 19, my birthday has just past. Two years ago I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel disorder and Crohns disease, after months of being in and out of hospital. I am controlling it via venting my feelings and using mind over matter techniques, and occassionally using painkillers. I do suffer from depression now and again, but I am studying to be a midwife and i am far happier then I have ever been. I began learning to love my myself, look after myself and most of all think of me.
I have met a new boyfriend whom loves me and protects me, but I know inside there is no way anyone could have loved me untill (and heres the bottom line) I started to love myself. One thing I know for sure is, life is short to live in the past and I am surviving, ARE YOU?!
Thankyou for your support, my reason for posting is becauise I believe mroe women should stand up and be counted, if it was'nt for being raped i would'nt be half the person i am today.... tell me, if you are willing, whats you story?!
Everyone has a story..... so tell me!!
you were abused!! from someone who should have loved you, and at such at a tender age. Not your fault at all!! And you know this!!
Your words of wisdom on this site will definately help others in your situation. Remember what you learn in life , even if horrible, has now enabled you to impart your advice and help others.
Love yourself for the beautiful strong person you are.
And sorry for this peice of advice. I hope the person who did this to you, suffers his own karma
I have a friend who was in such a similar problem who ended up suicidal, and depressive, you should be so proud of yourself for your strength. x x o
Thankyou for your support, i really appreciate it, sometimes when i get bad days, i have really bad days. Other days I have really good days, you know, i do get the suicidal thoughts and depression, but its part and parcel of dealing with it, it helps to have friends that will help us and make life easier, im doing okay now though. I think your friend needs to look inside herself and see what makes her tick, whats important in life. A good way I found of doing this was Pilates, a fantastic way of conditioning your body and learning about who you are. I meditate when im depressive and upset, it helped a great deal. Also your friend would need to remember that her abuser is not on her level, her abuser is winning if she has them thoughts, hard i know but she must push them away, so she can be healthy
all mu love
I thought it pass on a message my sister wrote on my birthday card, it made me think:
We don't like to be alone- If, as a child we forgot our homework, we goto class in the hope that someone else forgot it too. Man longs for compansionship; to belong. But still craves individuality. Life is full of day-to-day battles in which we all strive to be the best. Most of them are essentially insignificant, but even the smallest of accomplishments can, for that moment, be our Everest!
What do you think?!
May I be the first from steadyhealth to give you a huge Hug: (((chrrsn))). Your story is nothing shocks me, although it is empowering to know you are strong enough to deal with such trauma. That you should be proud of!!!! We are strong. Many people underestimate the strength of those that have been abused. So I encourage speaking out. LADIES, MEN AND CHILDREN SPEAK UP!!!! Dont be afraid.
I salute you honey! you are strong, be proud of what you are now you have a beautiful family, keep fighting. I hope many people will follow you lead.
all my love sweetheart,
I thinki was 5 or 6 years old was when i was touched by my step brother he told me not to tell but i decided i wasnt scared and told my mom she took me to the doctor where they told her i had some damage done to me on the inside. She went home called my dad and he swore i lied and didnt talk to me for years. Then the second time i was malested was when i was 7 our neighbor babysat us and her son used do things to me like my step brother did. I never told anyone about that because i thought it was okay because i got punished for telling the first time and my dad let him stay with him so i thought it was okay. I have had other things happen to me as well that make it hard to write or talk or think about. I know what happened to me was wrong but i think it made me stronger and i refuse to think any woman or girl is to be treated that way. All women should stand up for themselves. I still deal with flashbacks everyday i think about it but i wont let it get me down i refuse to let it run my life like it used to.
Firstly i believe every word you have said. What happened to you was absolutely NOT your fault and your father was in the wrong for not believing an innocent child, after all - why would an innocent child make up something like that. It has always been beyond me as to why anyone can treat a victim like that.
I completely understand that this is still very raw and painful for you, here you are very safe to go into details without any worries. No-one can harm you now, it is very important that you understand that. You are treated with the upmost respect. I understand completely what you are going through and believe me part of the healing process is to talk about it , work through it and find ways of dealing with you emotions and flashbacks.
I am glad you don't let it get you down , always think positive. After 4 or 5 failed suicide attempts and numerus attempts of self harm, I have realised with the help of my boyfriend that some guys will not harm you and only you can break the cycle. My boyfriend helped me so much through my emotions - even cuddled me while i cried in his arms.
My point in telling you this is that he gave me one technique. One technque that has helped me to turn away from self harm. This technique is to relax, picture a light in your mind and concentrate on it. To then name the light and talk to it when im lonely, sad, upset or in pain. This light has been a comfort to me while ive been alone and without anyone to talk to. It is also a form of meditation. It also works with flashbacks becase I explain to the light what ive seen in the flashbacks, how I feel and what I think about it.
This technique has gradually helped my flashbacks to reduce in quantity and helped me to deal wth them , maybe you shold try it, sounds craz i know but it has worked for me and numerous other people who I know who have suffered similar.
Take care love,
If you need to talk further dont be afraid!
All my love ,
I took her to the doctor the next day to make sure that nothing else had happened, and the doctor sayed that it happened. The doctor also asked her questions and she answered these same questions with the exact same details.
Two weeks later, I finally got her interviewed by a forensic psychologist at the childrens advocacy center, where they too asked her the same questions. Again she went into the details of what happened. Never once did anything about what she was saying change. I have three children now, and from experience, when a child is making a story up, their brains are not able to remember the details that they have previously sayed. Thus, their story changes every time they tell it. Hers did not waiver, not even once. She was adament about every detail, down to what was on the T.V. when her "dad" shut the bedroom door.
I talked to the detective, and she sayed that they would have to "interview" him. I was shocked. I thought they were supposed to arrest him, gather evidence while he was in jail or out on bail, and then have court. NOT!!!! They give him a heads up. As soon as she called him and identified herself he called me asking if I had called DFACS on him. I said no, and then they spoke. The detective asked him how many kids he had, and he said three. My daughter made four kids for him. This went on for about 15 minutes with the detective prompting him to tell her about my daughter. Finally he conveniently "remembered" that she exist. He told her that they were not babysitting her, and that they rarely saw her at all. The detective knew he was lying.
He got a lawyer and they drug it out so that he got a stenographer payed for through his lawyer to do a polygraph test six months after the fact. Of course he passed it, he knew when it was going to be, and he payed for it.
The DA sayed that they wouldn't press charges with it just being his word against hers and that two year old "make up" stories. I could not believe that the justice system had let this happen. A polygraph test is not admissable in court anyways. With all of the lies, and me being the first one he called, and him completely denying her at all, anyone can see that this actually happened. Not to mention the fact that her story never changed. These details were embedded into her memory.
I want to encourage everyone to stand up for their rights. Hopefully the justice system will start to do their job.