Talk to her or your doctor. He/she should be able to get the process started.
I had bypass surgery and came home on a Tuesday. That Friday my 92 year old mother's hip broke. She was living in an apartment in my house and we had been looking after her. We all went to the same doctor. After the operation to repair her hip she was in a nursing home for rehab which was paid for by Medicare.
My/her doctor told my wife there was no way in Hell he was going to let her come back to her apartment where my wife would have to take care of both of us during our recovery. She had to go on Medicaid to get into a nursing home permanently, after Medicare ran out. They happened to have a room open up in the one she was in at the time for rehab, so she didn't have to move to another place.
Assuming you are in the USA:
The state administers Medicaid so you or your father will end up dealing with them. Unless you a power of attorney for her it will be him. If he is unwilling to take proper care of her I'm sure the court or the state will be glad to force it. They require that the person going into the program have no assets to pay for the nursing home. They will take all bank accounts that have her name on them and the house and any other assets she has. Since the house is usually jointly owned they usually do not force the sale of it. Instead they lay claim to half the value of the house. When your father decides to sell it in the future they will take half the selling price.
It's too late now to make any changes to ownership of any thing that has her name on it. They have a 5 year "look back" so anything she has sold in the past five years, or given away, or taken her name off in the case of joint bank accounts can be reclaimed by them.
My mother had set up two savings accounts with the proceeds of the sale of her house, 16 years before. One in my name and one in my sister's name. That was going to be her gift to us when she died. Because her name was also on the accounts, the state took both of them.
Under the "rules" she was allowed to keep $2000 of her money. She had over $2000 in her checking account and they wanted the excess. Actually there WAS no excess because she had written two checks to pay two months rent which when they cleared the bank would have left her $1600. I never deposited the rent checks until I knew she had enough money to cover them. She had a habit of writing her SS and retirement payments in her checkbook twice in the same month. I fought the Head B***h at the medicaid office for a month over that. She was either very stupid and couldn't understand the principle of outstanding checks, or just being as big a b***h as she appeared to be, hoping I would give up or have another heart attack so she would win. Neither of those things happened and she didn't get the "excess" money.
When my doctor scheduled me for a stress test a few weeks later I told him the Head B***h at the state Medicaid office already gave me one. o.O
Hopefully your state won't be like mine and my Head B***h or her daughter isn't working for them. :-S
Oh, btw my mother didn't want to go either. For the first few weeks she called us every day demanding that we come get her. After she got used to the place she loved it. She made so many friends and found so much to do, she really called it her home. She was a prolific letter writer and every one began with "they are so good to us here". So don't get discouraged, she will be getting professional care, probably much better than you can do for her at home.
I had bypass surgery and came home on a Tuesday. That Friday my 92 year old mother's hip broke. She was living in an apartment in my house and we had been looking after her. We all went to the same doctor. After the operation to repair her hip she was in a nursing home for rehab which was paid for by Medicare.
My/her doctor told my wife there was no way in Hell he was going to let her come back to her apartment where my wife would have to take care of both of us during our recovery. She had to go on Medicaid to get into a nursing home permanently, after Medicare ran out. They happened to have a room open up in the one she was in at the time for rehab, so she didn't have to move to another place.
Assuming you are in the USA:
The state administers Medicaid so you or your father will end up dealing with them. Unless you a power of attorney for her it will be him. If he is unwilling to take proper care of her I'm sure the court or the state will be glad to force it. They require that the person going into the program have no assets to pay for the nursing home. They will take all bank accounts that have her name on them and the house and any other assets she has. Since the house is usually jointly owned they usually do not force the sale of it. Instead they lay claim to half the value of the house. When your father decides to sell it in the future they will take half the selling price.
It's too late now to make any changes to ownership of any thing that has her name on it. They have a 5 year "look back" so anything she has sold in the past five years, or given away, or taken her name off in the case of joint bank accounts can be reclaimed by them.
My mother had set up two savings accounts with the proceeds of the sale of her house, 16 years before. One in my name and one in my sister's name. That was going to be her gift to us when she died. Because her name was also on the accounts, the state took both of them.
Under the "rules" she was allowed to keep $2000 of her money. She had over $2000 in her checking account and they wanted the excess. Actually there WAS no excess because she had written two checks to pay two months rent which when they cleared the bank would have left her $1600. I never deposited the rent checks until I knew she had enough money to cover them. She had a habit of writing her SS and retirement payments in her checkbook twice in the same month. I fought the Head B***h at the medicaid office for a month over that. She was either very stupid and couldn't understand the principle of outstanding checks, or just being as big a b***h as she appeared to be, hoping I would give up or have another heart attack so she would win. Neither of those things happened and she didn't get the "excess" money.
When my doctor scheduled me for a stress test a few weeks later I told him the Head B***h at the state Medicaid office already gave me one. o.O
Hopefully your state won't be like mine and my Head B***h or her daughter isn't working for them. :-S
Oh, btw my mother didn't want to go either. For the first few weeks she called us every day demanding that we come get her. After she got used to the place she loved it. She made so many friends and found so much to do, she really called it her home. She was a prolific letter writer and every one began with "they are so good to us here". So don't get discouraged, she will be getting professional care, probably much better than you can do for her at home.
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you have no idea what this guys situation is. I am stuck taking care of my 74 year mother. She has never one time in my entire life told me thank you, please, I love you, good job, or any other words of love, tenderness, or encouragement. She has a million dollars in the bank and doesnt give me a penny. I am unable to work because she cries if I leave the house even for an hour. I cant be in a relationship with a woman because it is too stressful for the woman. You are obviously in a completely different situation with a kind nurturing loving mother. My mother only nurtured herself. Everything is about her, and always has been. She is very lucky I am a kind soul. My other 3 brothers keep very distant.
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Hang in there and don't give up. Your twenty-five and its certainly unfortunate your bearing all of the responsibility, however, we all deserve our own lives. Take a look into options that could serve in the best interest of you and your mom. But know there will be times when you'll feel guilty but you can't stop pursuing your dreams as well, none of us are promised tomorrow. I've been responsible for my father, who is 90 since I was 29 years old and now I'm 44 (15 years). He was a wonderful father to me and my brother and when my mom died 15 years ago it seemed a no brainer that he would come to live with me as my brother had struggle with drug issues on and off for years. But it can be overwhelming and times when you just want to run away, don't miss out on your pursuits of your dreams because you could end up resenting and regretting your situation.
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To the gal who said her parent(s) get on her nerves: I work as a personal assistant for the elderly, prior to this I took care of my mother for six years until she passed, and am now a student nurse on the way to earning my degree. You are not a jerk! You are most probably tired and stressed. One rule you should make sure you follow is to "Take care of yourself". Too often the caregiver is overworked and overstressed and often times get sicker than the person receiving the care. God bless you and take care.
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my father is 83 and lives with my husband son and I he is refusing to take his meds will not go to the Dr on the days of his appointment and now his DR is threatening to call protective services on me ! I have made my father several appointments he would not go to fights with me over his
medications and I have been doing everything I can to care for him for the past 2 years since my mother passed away it is very disheartening
I can't carry him to the car or force pills down his throat I don't want to put him into a nursing home but may be forced to if protective services gets
involved
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I lost my dad nearly three years ago . It saddens me when I hear children who are left care for their parents use the word burden. My father was diagnosed with cancer nearly 11 years ago. Although I had 5 other siblings . worked full time , took care of my 5 children and took care of both my parents I would do it all again and yes there were times of fustration but I would give anything to have my father here. I now look at my children and I am able to see what I had instilled in them by taking care of my dad now they all pitch in to help take care of their Tutu . And it is my hope that when I too if ever I am put into a situation my children to will be there to take care of me as I did to my father. I rember I saying cherish every moment you have because God never promises you tommorrow
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No, they are not a jerk at all. This is a site to share information. Not everyone has the same situation. Taking care of family small, big, young, old, it's no picnic! Just because I say it's no picnic does not mean I'm doing my best. Usually people who are close tend to fight more. Also, it is the hardest thing in life for many to take care of a family member. The stress is unbelievable and sometimes there is NO happy option but to do your best. LET THEM VENT a little. God knows they are not allowed to do it anywhere else. Take it from someone who has and is been there. I'm very Christian, but guess what I'm human. It's OK to vent. If you don't you'll implode or explode, so do me a favor, save the judgement. Those who step up and give their all are heroes in my book.
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Ok, I see often here everyone judging anyone who even suggests that taking care of a sick person is a burden. It's true. Let's not lie. When people have newborns, they can be a burden too. It doesn't mean you love them any less. Some do not have other family support, some don't have good finances. Some put their whole life on hold indefinately. Each situation is unique. Soooo, instead of being so judgemental to those who dare to vent on this site, how bout we try something new and different? Let's interact and see how we can help each other? It does no good to say my mom was sick and now she's fine life is peachy. I'd rather find out what is helpful when my mom is super hard of hearing and is not willing to visit the doctor? Any helpful tips with TV, movies etc? This has nothing to do whether i love my mom or not. Please, save the judement for the robbers, murderers, and others.
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Ugh, I know this post was six years ago but you know what ... no. YOU are the jerk. It must be nice to take care of your mom and every thing is all kittens and rainbows. Sometimes parents become insufferable. Sometimes the parents treat you so badly that you can't stand to take care of them anymore. Why should we live in misery just because you seem to get along with your mother? GOOD FOR YOU. Must be nice. The rest of us will complain as long as we want, as loud as we want, because we know the true meaning of responsibility. Responsible children care for parents even when the times are tough. Glad you got it so easy, asshat.
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Thank you. That is exactly why I searched this site. My Dad is such a burden that I really am ready to put him in a nursing home. I don't know what to do for him anymore to make his life more bearable. I don't know what to do to make MY life more bearable. Some days, I wish I were dead or out of this situation. I can't connect with the man. His life consists of being in bed 24/7, we have nothing to talk about. He was so incredibly mean to me as a kid, the type of guy that once held a gun to my stomach and told me all about how he was going to shoot me in the stomach and watch me die slow. I'm a fool for even bringing him into my home to begin with, right? But no ... I have a responsibility. Right? I have to because he took care of me, as best he could, when he wasn't drunk. I had a lot more good times with him than bad, but he's still the same jackass he was 20 years ago. And what's worse, he doesn't even have dementia at 81. Hahaha, just my luck, right? I still get blamed for things I did when I was three. You know, because I was "out to get him" when I was three. I suppose he believes that's totally normal for a three year old. I'm absolutely miserable and instead of finding people who are also miserable posting what they did about it all I find is a bunch of judgmental jerks. Well, glad you people got it so easy, but you're stifling productive conversation so that those of us who DON'T have it so easy cannot get help. You people need to reserve your judgement for criminals.
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you are lying if you ever truly took care of an elderly parent you would now better
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You need to go into counseling your self. I have taken care of 3 out of 4 elderly parents and it is and was a handful to say the least. If you don't give time to yourself you will go crazy. There are adult day care facilities, home care facilites, and assisted living facilty all over the place. Contact the Office of the Aging in your area and discuss your options. Your father doesn't sound like a very nice man. How bad is your mom? Do you need home care? Or and assisted living facility? or a nursing home? These are all questions the Office of the Aging can help you with? Also ask her Physician for help he might be able to get a Social Worker involved to help you out.
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Thank you, I too am help ing my mother. Although shes a very good person and had always been, but lacked in motherly love. She started loving us properly about 12 years ago. She is 82 and I am 58, I try hard to be good and respectful, however, the old grudgeful feelings return. I dont let those feelings show truthfully. But I do find myself getting cranky with her multiple questions, twisted conversations, and constantly trying to keep me physically busy. She wanted to be at 58, guess what? So do I!!!! What to do.......
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