I guess my problems started when my dad was killed about a year and a half ago in a freak car accident, i realize now that i could lose anybody at any time and i am scared. Two months ago i fell into a depression and i have not been able to get out of it. Most of my laughs and smiles seem forced, i feel like i am sleeping way too much, when i have a really bad day (i have at least one every week) i cant be happy and i reduce from my normally loud impulsive funny self into a quiet, low energy person who wants nothing more than to curl up and stay in the deep dark hole of my mind forever. My most recent bad day was caused by a nightmare that i had had the night before, i was at shool and i was so lost in my thoughts that i stopped doing my work and started scratching words and lines in my arm with the graphite in my mechanical pencil and the words and lines swelled up so i could read the words that i was writing on my arm, until i realised what i was doing and knew i had to stop. So, the next class i grabbed a marker and drew on my arm until everything from my knuckles to my elbow was covered in random drawings. Only after that i calmed down because i was concentrating on drawing (which i love) rather than the thoughts in my head. also, i am under so much stress from school and my brother has recently been diagnosed with asthma and a severe penicillin allergy. Both of which we found out about the hard way, i thought he was going to die so many times. Also,one of my friends told me she has depression and my best friend recently told me that she has bipolar disorder and social anxiety and i am worried that if she starts harming herself that i will completely break down. All of these thoughts are racing around in my head, along with extreme self hate because i am overweight and i get out of breath very easily and because of my depression i have no energy so i dont exersie which increases my weight and then causes more of the self hating thoughts to swirl around in my head to the piont where i cant concentrate on anything exept the bad things and i become completely emotionally numb and want to self harm and if my best friend kills herself i will have to follow in her footsteps because i have been holding onto her like a lifeline. She needs me and i need her. She knows everything i have been going through and she understands. I am terrified of all these things going on and if even one thing happens my entire life could come tumbling down. I talked to a therapist at school twice wiithout my family finding out, on the third week she told me she had gotten a promotion and was leaving, and for a month i had no one to talk to because i did not want to burden my friends. Last thursday our school got a new therapist for the students so i have seen her only once and i was so relieved. i am only 13 years old. I dont know what to do. (Sorry for the long writing and the detail. I just needed to get everything off my chest)
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