I feel like I'm drowning- like the life has been sucked out of me. I am desperate for support, some advice from people who may have experienced something similar.
I've felt depressed ever since I was 12 years old. I wasn't suicidal, but I felt a general lack of motivation for life. I couldn't find happiness in anything, and just getting out of bed was a struggle most days.
At age 21 I decided to do something about it and got a script for the generic version of Wellbutrin XL (300mg) and stayed on it for roughly 2 years. In the beginning it was a miracle drug- I was able to get out of bed in the morning, I was super motivated, lost some weight, and felt like a normal human being- until at some point it stopped working, and I quit taking it (I didn't replace it with any other med).
To make a long story short- it was a terrible idea. I became moody and irritable, I gained 30+ pounds, and generally felt like a zombie. I slept for hours, couldn't go out, every movement was a struggle- I left as though I had been hit by a truck. So I went back on it a month later- 300mg. It wasn't life changing. It took the withdrawls down a notch, made me a tad less irritable and zombie-like, but still no motivation for life, no reason to get out of bed, no weight loss, no energy to move. My life was just blah. It was like a blanket of numbness covered me, I could feel no real sadness and no happiness either.
It's been a year since I went back on. I keep taking the pill every day (although I do need to be more responsible about not missing doses and taking it at the same time every day), because I don't want to experience the withdrawls I felt the first time I quit. But it's come to the point where I refuse to continue experiencing life as a shell of a person. I want to experience life the way it's meant to be experienced. I am surviving, but I haven't felt alive in far too long.
So...I am asking you: what do you recommend? Up the dosage to 450mg? Try an SSRI (I am scared of these, as weight gain and loss of libito would both make me super depressed)? Add an SSRI together with Wellbutrin? Get name brand Wellbutrin instead of generic? Please help. I feel like I am falling apart :(