Still Feeling Guilty For 'Sending' Your Parents To A Nursing Home?

Help Your Parents Research Nursing Homes

My parents' retirement home was a semi-independent senior home. Couples could be cared for together. Elders had their own kitchen units in their homes, and had a living area as well as a bedroom — sometimes even two. A nurse would show up at the press of a button, as well as at predetermined hours, and those who needed meals delivered to them three times a day received that. Management organized all kinds of activities, from dance to pottery to religious services, and though elders could have all the privacy they wanted, lonely people could eat in a communal hall. 

Not all nursing homes — and not all nursing homes my sisters and I looked at — are like that. If your parents are at the point where they can no longer live independently, chances are they can't research nursing homes adequately either. Help them learn as much about all the homes in their area as you can, and help them choose the right place for them. 

Be There For Your Parents

I have two sisters. Between the three of us, someone visited my parents every single day — before they moved into their retirement home, and after too. Being increasingly immobile is hard. After my dad died, my mom had a hard time adjusting. We helped her connect with same-age relatives and old friends, took her out in her wheelchair, cleaned her unit, and spent time chatting with her.

My parents weren't abandoned elders stuck in a nursing home from hell. If your approach is similar, and your parents are living a full life with your help, there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!

Advocate For Your Parents

I live in the Netherlands, where nursing care is excellent. Even so, my mother, after my dad died, encountered a nurse who was rude to her, one who treated her as an infant and not the experienced and wise elder that she was. Others experience far worse — elder abuse is not uncommon within nursing homes. Therefore, you can play a powerful role both in investigating the ethical standards of a retirement home before your parents move in, and standing up for your parents when issues occur. 

READ How To Keep An Eye On Your Family Member In A Nursing Home

Notify management if your parents encounter issues with a particular person, or if a policy is not working for them. In the worst case, consider moving your parents to a different home. My mom was too modest to stand up for herself — but my sisters and I weren't afraid to do it in her stead, and the issue she had was resolved. You may not be able to care for your parents full-time, but by being their advocate, you are fulfilling an incredibly important role.