So, You (Think) You Are Gay Or Bi? A Brief Guide For Queer Teens

So, you are a teen and you think you're gay or bi, or you know you're gay or bi? You may be wondering how you figure out what your sexual and romantic orientation is, when most folks know who they're into, whether your feelings are normal, and how (and if) to break the news that you're queer to your family and friends.

First Things First: What's In A Label?

"Gay", "lesbian", and "queer" are labels most people are familiar with — labels that people attracted to other people of the same gender may use, and labels that others may use to describe them. "Bisexual" or simply "bi" people, on the other hand, can be attracted to either men or women.

In a world where transgender people, genderqueer people, and intersex people are increasingly visible, we have to note, though, that human sexual and romantic orientation comes in many more shapes and colors than "gay", "straight", and "bi" alone, or rather that those descriptive labels simply don't fit everyone. The words "gay" and "lesbian" traditionally refer to men attracted to men and women attracted to women, after all! If you're a genderqueer person who is attracted to females or femininity, for instance, you may not feel that these labels adequately express your identity, and may simply describe yourself as "attracted to females and femininity", a "gynesexual" person, or something else entirely. The term "pansexual", likewise, is a more inclusive term than the word "bisexual", as it recognizes the presence of more than two genders.

Labels may not matter very much at all when you're a young person first working out who you're attracted to, especially if you firmly identify as "cisgender" (the sex assigned to you at birth matches the gender you identify as).

How Do I Know What My Sexual And Romantic Orientation Is?

Interestingly enough, scientific evidence shows that a personal awareness of sexual attraction is typically achieved sometime between 9.6 and 10.5 years of age — though you wouldn't necessarily have the vocabulary to describe it yet. However, it is possible to become aware of "who you're into", to some degree or fully, as early as middle childhood, and it is also normal to not have much of an idea of your sexual and romantic orientation until later in adolescence.

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Whenever you become aware of your sexual attraction, these are some of the things that might clue you in:

• You develop a crush on someone
• You fantasize about someone, either someone specific or a more generic concept
• Somehow, your orientation has always been clear to you; it has just taken time for you to realize what it means as you get older
• Somehow, you simply realize the general profile of person you are attracted to or could see yourself in a relationship with

Depending on where you live in the world and in what kind of subculture, you may automatically be assumed to be "straight", in which case you might realize you are "different" at some point, or your sexual and romantic orientation may just be another of those existential exploration processes associated with being a teen — like deciding what career you might like to pursue, whether you are religious or not, or where you fall on the political spectrum.

Teen And Queer: Should I Tell My Folks Now?

I Think I'm Gay: Are My Feelings Normal?

Of course your feelings are normal! Estimates suggest that around one in 10 people are either gay or bisexual, so you are in good company. Being gay or bisexual is just as normal as being straight, and being straight is just as normal as being gay or bisexual.

Could it just be a phase? You might ask yourself this question and have other people say this to you if you do talk about your feelings and thinking that you are gay. Think of it like this: Do you know of any cases in which a girl announced to her friends or parents that her first crush is a boy from school, and they tell her that it might just be a phase? No? Neither do I.

It might, mind you, take some time for you to figure out your feelings and attractions. Actually, it is quite possible, though research doesn't show exactly how often this happens, for your sexual attractions to change with time as well. (That's not the same thing as being able to change your romantic and sexual orientation on command, which some people unfortunately still think you can and should be able to do!)

You know what's definitely not a phase though? This "you being you" thing. Whether you know you are gay (or queer, or lesbian, choose your label) or bi, think you might be, or have just been hit with a serious crush or some seriously returning fantasies or dreams, you're you, just exploring who you are, and that's normal.

Do I Need To 'Come Out' Now?

Yeah, if you like! Or not, if you don't want to and there's no pressing need, such as you being a young man whose parents have set you up on a date with a young girl when you're actually into other young men. If you do want to come out as gay or bisexual, how do you go about it?

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Here are some tips for you:

• "Practice" on someone you are pretty sure will fully accept you, even on the internet.
• You can say, "hey, I'm gay" in an all-out announcement moment, but you could also say, more informally, "hey, I'm really into this gal from gymnastics", "nah, I'm not really into the idea of getting a boyfriend, I prefer girls", or even just drop hints like "that actor is really sexy". It's all up to you. At some point, you are going to get questions, if you choose the more indirect route, and you can decide to answer them.
• In some families and social circles, being gay or bi is absolutely no big deal, and announcing that you were straight would have been no different. In others, there may be shock or an adjustment period. If this is your people, try to give them time to get used to the idea. In yet others, you're suddenly seen as sinful and rejected completely. That really sucks. Please realize this is not your fault. Seeking support from LGBTQ organizations may help you, especially if your parents believe you need to "straighten out" and want you to attend conversion therapy.

Where Do I Meet People?

How do you meet other young queer or bi people, now that you have realized your sexual and romantic orientation and are ready to start dating? "Anywhere" is maybe too simple an answer, but it's also true. You could also join local forums or Facebook groups for queer folks, join a support group, go to local pride events, or seek out LGBTQ bars (when you're a little older). Really. People you might like to date will show up in your life, and yes, you will find out whether they're also queer!