Parenting a child with autism is, research consistently shows, more stressful than parenting a neurotypical child — and so-called "challenging behaviors" have a lot to do with that. Few things are more difficult to cope with than autistic meltdowns, which can involve kicking, screaming, damaging property, and complete social withdrawal. Nobody really wants to get in the middle of that, knowing it may provoke further destructive behaviors.
What are autistic meltdowns, really?
Parents of autistic children will (hopefully!) know this already, but other people — like aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers' assistants, dentists, and so on — may not. Autistic meltdowns often present an awful lot like tantrums. You know, the kind of thing that happens when you, say, take a toddler to the grocery store and they've decided that they want ice cream and if you disagree, they're going to scream until you give in. Or the kind of thing where a preschooler doesn't want to wear that fancy outfit for that family gathering, and they'll throw themselves on the floor and bang their fists in a bid to get you to change your mind.
Autistic meltdowns are not tantrums. Autism's defining characteristics include such things as a strong need for routines, an inability to cope well with change, a need to engage in self-stimulatory behaviors like rocking and hand-flapping, and being extra sensitive to sensory stimuli like bright or flashing lights, unpleasant smells, or unwelcome auditory input. New places and situations can be intensely stressful, as well.
Autistic meltdowns are not tantrums. They result, research shows, from being overwhelmed. The person is no longer in control. They're doing what they do because they've lost control, and that may involve something that looks an awful lot like a tantrum, or it may mean sitting down on the floor unable to move, with their hands covering their ears and their eyes closed, suddenly mute. To be able to "manage autistic meltdowns", we first need to understand that part. The meltdown isn't any more pleasant for the person having one than it is for those around. Nobody wants to experience a meltdown. A meltdown isn't a show of defiance or an attempt to manipulate, but a cry for it to all just stop.
How parents may be able to reduce autistic meltdowns
The key to reducing the number of meltdowns is understanding what triggers them, something that will vary from one child to another. Some will have trouble with crowds, while others can't stand flashing lights or large spaces. Noise and clothing textures may be a problem. A small change in routine that doesn't matter a bit to caregivers, like going out with a different shirt on or a new laundry detergent, may induce extreme anxiety. Visiting somewhere new is often an issue.
Whatever causes distress in a particular child, knowing what that is can help you take steps to make them more comfortable, such as, for instance:
- Offering noise-canceling headphones to provide a buffer against loud noises.
- Visiting a place where you're going to go for an important event several times in advance can increase familiarity and reduce stress on the day of the event.
- Not over-scheduling the child's day and incorporating breaks from all the stimuli wherever possible.
- A lot of the time, autistic people can feel the build-up to a meltdown before it goes full-on nuclear. There is a window of opportunity to stop the meltdown in this stage. Come up with a way in which the child can signal you so you can both exit the situation.
- Avoiding situations that tend to cause meltdowns.
Interestingly, research shows that parental attitudes also have an impact. Children who know their parents have their back and understand them are less likely to melt down.
What to do during an autistic meltdown in a child: How parents and caregivers can help
If possible, discuss this with the child and come up with coping strategies that work for both of you. Some may want to be touched during a meltdown, for instance, while that will make it worse for others. Some things you could explore include:
- First off, remain calm yourself. Panicking alongside the person having a meltdown is only going to trigger them further.
- Where the meltdown is caused by sensory overload, either remove the person from the situation if you can, or remove the offending sensory input.
- Sometimes, reciting words or a song together can help.
- Deal with people around who don't know what is going on — outside interference can make things worse.
- Stop the person from hurting themselves and others.
- Sometimes, hugging the person having a meltdown or speaking to them in a calming voice can help, but it's just as likely to be completely unwelcome.
After the meltdown, the person will be exhausted, have feelings or embarrassment, and just need a break. Many will feel like taking a nap, stimming (which may include having a nice bath, watching a favorite episode of a show, listening to a soothing song or talk, or stroking a piece of fabric), or like being left alone to recover.
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