What You Really Need To Know About Being Trans

I'm a cisgender, feminist female who believes gender is largely a social construct. I am as ignorant of trans issues as the next individual. Let's face it: it's hard to wrap your head around this, it's hard to know what it must feel like to be trans when you're not trans. So I turned to a friend who is trans to help me understand, and to help you understand. 

"We need to start by distinguishing gender from biological sex," Ryan said. "Biological sex is about much more than genitals; gonads, hormones, brain structure, and brain chemistry also play roles. Individual variations fall onto a spectrum, and most people end up feeling comfortable identifying with a gender, which usually matches their genitals. When a person's brain is structured in a way that does not match their genitals, gender dysphoria may result. This person may function better if the sex hormones their body naturally makes are replaced with those of the opposite gender." 

What is a man, then? Ryan doesn't care. He isn't too worried about masculine ideals, and just knows that he's himself now, that he can see himself in old age as a man. Do we really need to understand more than that? We know trans people who start transitioning to the gender that matches their self-perception have better outcomes; they're happier, and less likely to commit suicide. Transition usually includes hormone replacement therapy, and may or may not involve gender reassignment surgery. 

Acceptance Before Understanding

Parents whose children feel they're trapped in the wrong body can learn a lot from Leelah's story. Being trans is hard. The discrimination and challenges are hard. Transitioning will not fix society, but it does enable the person to be who they are, and that does ease some of the pain. We need to start with acceptance, rather than condemnation, and open-mindedness, rather than bigotry. "Nobody wants their child to be trans," Ryan says. "Nobody wants their child to face those struggles. But if they already are trans, there's nothing worse they can do than to deny reality."

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What should you actually do if your child says they are trans or you suspect them to be trans? "Accept your child for who they are and try to put a solid foundation under them," Ryan says. "Getting hurt may be inevitable, but they'll have a better chance of getting up again than they would have if they lacked family support. Trying to understand is good, but not necessary for acceptance. No matter what, home should be a safe haven."