Recovering From Rape Your Own Way

Your Recovery Is Your Recovery

I was a preteen when I became a rape victim, and while being victimized sought solace mainly in books, books that allowed me to escape the world in which I lived. I also made plans on how to get away from my rapist and frequently imaged an older version of myself appearing in front of me, telling myself that years from that point, I would be fine. After the rapes ended when I moved away, as a teenager, I lost myself in my studies and in work, constantly telling myself that I was really OK and didn't sustain any long-term emotional damage from what happened. At the same time, I struggled with angry outbursts and alcohol abuse. (You will recognize phases one and two of RAINN's list there.)

Years later, after I had found a loving and understanding partner and had kids, I realized that I really wasn't fine. The strong coping mechanism that is denial had finally worn off, and I knew I needed to undertake different steps if I wanted to be a good mother and a human who felt OK with myself. It was at that point that I sought therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in my case. Therapy was helpful in that I got to talk openly about my feelings to someone trained and paid to listen to me. It marked a very distinct milestone in my recovery process, but it was the processing I did by myself after therapy, including talking with relatives and friends about what had happened, that really ushered in a new phase in recovery. (There's phase three!)

My story of recovery is my story of recovery, one that belongs to me and relates to my personal needs. My brain doesn't function in accordance with stereotypical advice, and neither will yours. Your story may be completely different, but one thing is almost guaranteed — while information about recovery such as that provided by RAINN can give you some global information along with hope that some form of being OK with yourself is truly possible may help, your recovery is as individual as you are. 

Thinking Outside Of The Box

Where do you look for information that helps you, then? Googling "healing from rape", as I did, may not be the answer at all. Personally, I have benefited most from talking to other rape victims, and in my case other victims of pedophiles concretely. Day-to-day coping with challenges, however, is a different story.

READ Sexual Assault and Rape Prevention Tips: What Can a Woman Do?

Concretely, when you seek assistance during your recovery process, secondary wounding, in which people you enlist to help you process actually damage you further, is a real risk. The first person I really opened up to regarding my victimization, for instance, nearly completely dismissed my experience, while my therapist urged me to work on forgiving my rapist. Such things can add to your existing trauma in a very damaging manner.

Where do you look for advice on coping with the present reality and aftermath of rape? Coping techniques for cancer patients, she said, helped her more than coping techniques for rape victims. When still in danger, she benefited most from advice aimed towards active duty soldiers. And when navigating the legal system if you do report your rapist(s), you may learn a whole lot more from general business negotiating techniques than from materials specifically geared towards rape victims. Invaluable information is certainly available, but you may need to look outside of the box as well as deep in your soul. At the end of the day, recovery is about meeting your own needs, not those of others.