I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

I want to go buy paint....I dont knkow , we were suppose to get our kitchen updated, wonder if thats still happening.It needs done, my kitchenis falling apart, and it dates back to the 5os..60 s or 70s couldnt tel you what its like, but the kids they just made themselves cereal..cereal everywhere...Becca threw salt on the floor , salt everywhwere, toys everyhwwhere, clotherees eveywhwere, drawes open stuff hangng out of thme dirty dishes everywhwere that he made this morning Just a MESS!! I want to GET out of here, go shooping buy some paint , buy some cushions, buy some lights buy things to change the way this place looks...but too scared to go oustide, and jusy belted one out which wasnt fair on the kids

Right, I know whats happeneing. Its sunday and I really wanted to spend time with my children , but hes go a day planned ( not that I was asked...there going to a dog show and then a swim and then grandad for tea) No one asked me, Its like yestedrday , no ne asked me.

I feel like he has all the control in the world and I cant even get to see my kids now. hes taking them away from me, and then they come back and they miss behave, and shout back at us...I did not do all that hard work prior for this..I mean when i had them he made me stick them on my boob whilst I was cooking tea for him and his father, and now he does this and it makes me feel really used. He just used me. Weelll that how I see it /feel it//yuck....a moth just flew into my juice and i just swallowed it ...yuck!!!!!

....so I leave th house, thinking I am fine...dont let that mad thing take you over, You need to get your head around it ...Youve got things to do tomorrow. walk past one set of flats clinging onto the wall..Gwt to second bit ...oh oh ...here comes the open space..thinkg dark small space Katy...then everything sways and i cant see where to place my feet and I cant let go as I dont know what to do...grab on to bucket ...turn around.....hold onto bannister to get down stairs, sit on steps...cry.

Think com eon this is stupis so stupid stop it just stop it i cant stop it...thenoverwhelming anger and rage...back up the steps ..it worse wanting to crawl past the next step of step, can I do that..no cause I cant move my bod in the righ tways, so then tI cling onto lampost for ages....little did I know partner had been watching me and left me to rot.!!!!!!!!!!

Okay then thman pops out from flat.."are yo okay...limps over to me and walks me two doors down to my own flat!""i ve calmes d but ffeling depressed lost all independence cant even go tho the shop to buy a pint of milke nevermind anywhere else for anything else-what am i goign to do??? I dont think there will be anything physically wrong with me..I think its all in my head....Thats right now knida worse. I feel fine in the house, or anywhere in doors \I dont get this panic....okay I do get panicy sometimes, but not like this ..this is way out of my league this!!!!!!!!!

To scared to go out, and really upset about it-one of my favourite things to do was to walk -go for a walk -clear my head. Now I cant do that!

Ive been in my room all day, Idont even want to leave my room , and feel really shaky, and eally nervous im sad. ive lost it ..and I just want to feel normal again!

The woman on the phone spoke to me a fair bit-shed been through something similar and was very good and just by being on the phone stopped me from doing anything silly. I was in pure panic last night and didnt know where to place my unearthly mind..so I had to call those people.i just do not want to be like this.

I can manage other things like kids stuff and coping fine in the home-but scare to go ut, scared to leave these four walls, If it all happens again and stranger have to help Ill be reallly destraught. I allready was to day I was clinging on for dear life to a lampost . i must have looked totally bonkers ..I just held on sweaty and really tightt...I couldnt let go..Its open spaces, and especially if theres an obstacle to overcome..which probably isnt but Ive created it HUGE in my mind..For instnce I couldnt let go of the lampost as when I put my foot forward..the steps vied in my left files and the open ( no wall to cling onto ) on my right side made me panic. It was just a bout half a metre to a wall..and I was practical outside my front door. Spoke to my mum and she was ok-but thisis no good. If ithis is agrophobia how do I manage it? ive only this week to get things done and then its back to work in a week.i cant see me coping ever, nevermind in a week..this is awful mad, and sickening for me.

What if its leaukeia?sh*t....it cant be..Im just worrying!!!pants-cant stop worrying..stupid really...if it was somrthing really aeriou-the doctor would phone me up -surely-and its jus t my panic!!!

Katy! What is "Breathing Space"? Is it a distress line? If so what have they said about getting you help? In a few hours it's Monday, you NEED to see the doctor and have him check ALL of this site out! No more hiding Katy, you are getting worse with the panic. Good luck hon, keep me informed.

I cant remeber-i think breathing space is a hotline for the emotionally unstable 8-| .I was though..On Saturday-Its not like weve been arguing or anything..weve not and hes been going out with the children ( perhaps to give me a break) but i am worse .I want them round me and I want control back in my life. Being hospitalised oor anything like that..I cant see how that can help...the way I see it would oly bring on more panic :$ :$

Ive got a meeting at work this evening , and appointmetn elsewhere..i am hoping that when i go outside , ill be fine Pls be fine..I am normal and this behaviour is totally irrational ..I am normaland this behaviour is not me.

I am on such ashort fuse thoug....My children ( I think ) are old enough to brush their own hair and find their own clothes..Just feel their every need, and feel that they still depend on me 100%...I guess thats normal and its all me

Got up, as I thought I was taking them to school, normally do , in fact on only 2 prior ocassions has he ever...there I am getting ready and Becca sates that her father is taking them..it makes me feel worse , ore out of control and more as if I am ill and he is not. Porbably the way everyone sees it just now. depresssing!!!

I also look like sh*t...hair falling out in handful and i cant bebothered doing anything with my face..I dont know where to start that way.

The girl from breathing space spoke to me on the phone for hours...I didnt realise how much i told her...(Just about everything...and it was such hard work that when I came of the phone I couldnt stop shaking0She did tell me to go back to the docotor s and deal with my health before continuing with anything else..but the idea today...i just dont want to right now..I just cant ..i want to be me again..Ill see if I can make it to the shops and take it from there. if I get stucj again ...or if its anything like yesterday..I think Ill have no chcoice...cause its not like I can get on with living..If its gone as quick as it came Ill be dancing in the streets (Literally)..Right, I am going to try that walking thing right now,,,,if I get stuckk I dont know...maybe chop my feet off hahahand use my hands....hehe if theres any fluid between my ears it can run out as Ill be walking upside down , using my hands and that will cure it...an no one will give a flying monkeys anyway..That another thing that eats me...my mother is so so ...dont do this and dont do that ...."what will other people think!?"........Hey mum, I know they dont give a stuff!!!!..really gets to me that !!! Anyway, before I get side trackedand rant on about nonsense...illl go try my walk out. Take care bambi..I know I probably bore the socks off you but realy I am just letting it out here...better go...got enoughto do!!! Again thank you and bless you for sticking by me.

Went out-did betetr than yesterday...yeah ( haha) -not!) made it to the end of my street, crossed the road ( big open space) started to panic legs all jittery..then shook thinking pulll yourself together..this is stupid..and you cant colapse on the road...youll die ...someone will run me over and no one will notice a damn thing......so got to the other side of the road...managed past a bush...a big high bush...got to another road,,,and thought ( I cant do this...I cant cross big car park, but small road to cross ( the car park was empty0 I turn round to start heading back home t, trying to hide it all form all to see...maek it to the lampost where the big long bush had bee...couldnt let go of the lampost...Ileft the house 25 minutes agao. Its should have taken me 5 mins to get to the shop and back....I dont understand it..Im going mad!!!The only reason I made it back here was as a neighbour found me and walked me home holdin gmy hand. cancelled appointmetn.

I know my behaviour is not right and I cant understand it But right nwoI feel normal,,and no doubt therew ant be anything physical worng and so I am too scared to call the docotrs (again!) Going to try and sleep see if that helps and try it again later.

Im Freaking out now. yesterday, that man with the limp helped me home. Well little did I realise he has somesort of learnign difficulty ( heck) ..I was sitting on my steps trying to chill 9 as my ex has ordered me to ) -find that quite sweet, but not going to fall over it.....Okay, right, the guy that helped to scarpe my body of a lampost yesterday....came down the steps while I was talking to my boss on the phone..She also gave me some advice...andyway, this guy sat beside....52yrs okld and exating a box of minin Jafafa cakes, He seemd very simple..and worse he had remebnbereed my name......thankfully my boss andi were on the phone for a wee while and he got fed up!!!So...this is what he said...."is there anything causing it?" I reply...I really just do not know.....then hes says"I Kate your a bonnie lass" ...I hate that...really hate that coment pls dont give me a complement not just now, not right now...I cant handle it...and he seemd so simple...eating his Jaffa cakes and moaning abbout the sunshine ( Do not missunderstand me -hes probably just meanss well) but there are sickoos out there that would use this as away to get me and that makes it all worse!!! Anyway, this is why I am freaking out...he then says Mr 52 eating Jaffa cakes, he syas, "I better go hom and do some housework" Okay ( woop woop ) away you go -enjoy your day.....anbyway,,,then he satrts asking me more qestions over and over I repeat my answer....Then he says"Ill start with the bedroom --: ME freaking out here thinking about Steinbecks "Of Mice and Men " and freaking...then followed by MR Jaffa cake man" You are a bonnie lass Kate" Argh !!! Scream...then carries on up the stairs,,I think its okay , stay calm, he meant well and blah blah blah...then hes standing waving over a wall for ages ....Im freaked....might just phone a doctor now...This is not good!!!! I feel sick with worry now!

Im getting worse. heads spins sitting down and not wanting to move. whats happening to me?????Cant bring myself to ring anyone-thinking if my ex and friends hlpe then , maybe ill be okay , maybe it will just pass, but just feel like I am about to fal all the time..going for more sleep...Ive also been drinking loads of water and eating more than usual. nothing is working!

Children are back-and I am feeling really tired. I slept for a while and wondering if sleep will sort me out. Oh I dont know, but ex partner has sorted Tuesady and wednesday so i don thhave to go out.The problem bein I WANT OT!!! It is really embarassing but Ive got to know my neighbours a lot better, and all the family networks round here due to this. Mad :-S :-S :-S :-S 8-| :$ Im going to get my daughter to take me to the shop later, get their lunch stuff in..I cant stand this couped up thing! I feel like I am doing a life sentence!

Well, that a bit better. I managed to get to the shops , but had to have both children at either side of me... When standing -only outside-waiting on the gren man to cross the road, I could feel me wooble, and felt as if I were going to colapse, but the fact the girls were there held me upright. Feeling very pissed of that I cant just go out on my own!

Hi hon: I just wanted to point out that you and I have been talking for almost a month now!!!!!! And I think - and I'm sure you will agree - that things are getting worse for you!!! The only thing I can keep saying Katy - and hopefully you listen/hear me - is that you HAVE to let the doctor know what is happening with you. Even have someone videotape you and if this breathing space is monitoring your house, they will be able to help you too.

I don't know what else too do Katy, If I was over there I could let your doctor know etc. But I'm not, I a faceless freind who can only tell you what she DESPERATELY wants you too do - for your own good! I feel like I haven't helped you at all for this last month!! I feel like I shouldn't be reading your thoughts here. As a "Supporter" on this site is to help people and them we get votes if we have helped them, so I now feel a bit useless with my lack of helping you get some help!! If you want me to stop reading your messages hon I will, and if you want me to stop being a POL PARROT!!! ;-) 8-| I will too. I want to be helping you Katy, I want you to get better, but I am out of ideas. Let me know what you think about if I'm helping you or not OK? Good health hon!

I got my siter on the phone,,she made me cross roads-made me try to grt overit!! I do not want to go intp detail-but ive nevrshakek like idid...hey, okay notgoing the, cant discussit. BAMBI-iam sitting onthr blanket, that onv=ce was my baby blanket...my motjrt hated me ....She nisscarried when I was expected. they-the dotors told her to expect NOTHING....Itwas mydad thast got angry and said----"look,callit a kit kat but its brearhing:...It was my dad that saved me and regardless of whatever anyone thinks about him, he alwsulooked put for me..and said this:if shelives,thats happiness, her succeslife for her willl be hard..but she entitled to it"My edads words......love him dearly....Infact mymum might of had custody...but neliev e me I ran to him and cried. more than I could my mum..I resenther but love her.I wonder if anyone willbe able to make sense of it alll,

Bambi27-Iam scared-id love to give you my gos telephonenumber..im just scMy dctor is a god guy, its just iam a sh*t patient-ared///okay Ill ring them tomorrpw..i feel a bit oh , forget it..sore, maybe?