I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Sorry bambi-lost the plot last night. I cant read those message s either 8-| My aim was to get completely snookered ( I succeede and walk the streets..it was a success....I know that sounds like the most stupif thing I could do...but even though the panic was there , and I struggled I had more confidence so I could walk...but its this.....Nikki was on the ohone for me, she said "Idf you colapse, Ill hang up and call someone for you.....but then I said"you cantm, as I am absolutley ..."anyway...so she satrts screaming down my mobile half way (midst jelly legs) and it works..I manage to get myself together, but canntot tell you how absolutely pie eyed I was.....ridiculous..So exercise of today is to get over this..if i can get over this fear , i can get on and do. Although, scard once Im over this my body will malfunction, and something else silly will happen ,

Bambi, I do not think yo like a Pol parrot whatsoever-youve given me great support-and I am stil thinking about ringing if this continues-but I want to give me a chance first and try my reverse psychs...the thing is..I dont even knkow if my doctor believes me..its not been seen by any of them.....

Theres this roundabout before my work..and I dont know if the stress triggered it...and watching couples hold ands crossing the road, and the wind and the sea, ( im not sure if thats what triggered it) Its what I think off, whn eI worry i think about that masive space.....no one helping and no one asking and everyone getting on and I am left crying for ages , for ages and shaking..I dont think Id had any alcohol the nightt before either( who knows) but anyway...That is my big fear...I cant get across the roads..Stupid...this time last year id speed walk the streets, do anything to get tri of old past and present thouggs...put ipood on , and march...but nope now its all gone....Im mad!!!

The thing is I am finding his so demeanign, and my partner being the ( well hes helping) but if he didnt help , than Id have to get on with things, so maybe hes not really helping-I dont know what to think.

My daughter, ...shes just like me...she can shou tback at her daddy, and she reminds me of me.....Im worried about her. She is so quick to put herslef down..and its not for want of attention....its becauese she actually believes that that is what peoplpe thin and i find it realy frightening. She pprobbaly not as baad as me though...in that shes not been picked on and she talks to me..oh god..I cant explain..but her attitude....she looses things, oh no no no..I think its me.Im just not copin g.

Bambi , I know you keep telling me to call the doctor..I dont want to..They will either out me away, or tell me theres nothing wrong....they cant win , and I cant win....If I were a pet cat, or dog or whatever..id be begging to be put down right now , begging...but looks like even animals get and deserve dignified deaths,,, Humans are truly thinck all these battles about euthinasia.yet they thin it right to make decisions for animals that they know nothing about .....or....they let humans suffer for longer in less dignified manners, than their pet 8-| I totally understand why its not allowd cause its people like me , in tthe staet i am in now that would abuse it......Bambi, you dont know me from adam, so feel free to read my every thought, and ..I dont put my every thought here , just some of them.

Partne ( ex) has got the docs.he will be telling on me( actually miss stupido herer,,needs to go have a word with herself-he want be telling on me as he does not give a monkeys!!!!) Ineed my hair done..its truly a mess. im going to go back to bd sleep some of this crazy stuff off, and then try going out.

My big sister-she is protective ver me......but just had the craziest thought....Just remebering his brother shouting a tme once for (I cant remebr what i did) and his big brother shouting at mein the pub...it ws thepub I went ot last night and everyone there was giving me pitiful looks...i am jsut thinking about stuff, and cant explain-but worried that the entire place here knows what ive said about what my partner ha done..well to them its all allegations -its not like its real to them and really annoys me and now I feel threatened by where I live ass everyone every junky knows this family...and I am just thinking how they all looked at me llast night..Normally these peolpe are friendly but lasts nigth all i could see was people feeling sorry for me

Bambi- if you knew this family ..I cant tell you how each and every one of them come across as being lovely charming people...but once you know them , you know that they have been hurt and that they have never dealt with it..I know my partner hurts,,,but doesnt eveyrione? I actaully think I am going to have to do the oving..as even if this is over theres no saying what him and his family are capable of..hmm, not thought like this before. Yuck!! Just had chicken noodle soup and it smells like cat food..processed food..eh yuck!!! Thats another thing..I forget to eat and then i eat like a maniac..im convinced I am a maniac...Today right now , hungover, and dont know what to think , but dont feel the beely gutting pain that I normally feel ( maybe Im stil half tanked.) had a bottle and a half of white wine last night.

Thats another thing..My wine is like my evening meal.....I dont know why, but Ive not been eating normaly for years..I dont even think about it( liar liar pants on fire) No, soI eat c**p when ie eat..yesterday i had 1 sauseag roll, and it was disgusting could feel the grease and felt like Id had a massive chippie...oh then later felt like I would keel over with hnger so had some yuck crisps and a tiiny square cube flapjack thin...all made me gaga!!! Then and this is another thing...alcohol gives me confidence...so I can eat when half gone and i tend to now..I eat better and healthier stuff and then wake like this morning feeling HUGE!!!! but maybe Ill be able to walk as Ihhave food n my stomach..i dontknow...I was odoing ok, when working..Id grab a snack and eat and thensome nibbles at night , but I cant sit down and eat a meal..it makes me angry..someone else thought 3 meals was a,ple in some other countries youdont even have to have 1 meal so thats a myth, and I dont believe you need 3 meals a day.

With my children i am a hypocrit.."dont eat that , thats bad for you" it want be long before one of them says dont drink that mum'Okay, going back to bed ..Feel sick!!!!

Right -had a bath. took everything easy..Im putting weight on as i cant do my usual walking..right...I am angry with myself really angry..i thought this was just a hangover thing...a reaction to binge drinking..today probably hasnt helpes, but last night i was fine...Today..I left the house ( even put my glasses on 0 -yeah , how come my nose is so swollen? then I walk down my outside steps and back up them and walk past one block of flats...for some reason I look up, I see a cyclists and I feel jealous, i see someone walking past and the pavement decides to meove..I tell myself no this pavement is not moving Its yoru crazy head...the steps start to curve and I grab on to the lampost...So many people walk past me. I m not even annoyed at them for not helping.. I dont exppect anyones help anymore. I am just annoyed at myself..I ve got things to do..I want some juice from the shop I want some ribenna-but nno cant even do that..Cry for age...then neighbour walks me home.Ive got so much to do I dont need this. panic is passing so temptation to ring a doctor is passing! Ive got to get over this faaaaaaastttt!! Not pissed!

Dont want to phone - feel like i am just a pest-but think you are right.Im too scared to go out now...i am so selctive in waht I ead....gt a birthday car..this is just an example...got cut up by the fact he didnt write the word love ( my dad)........Later, I looked at it again and realised hed underlined the word SPECIAL!!!! I better get his then ....every year we have this little scenario who can get the card first...My dad birthday is the day after mine...thats if I can get to a flipping card shop and post office argh!!!

Okay...just got furious with myself. Got my bike ...manage to take it down steps leaning on things and things seem okay ...normal but worry when anic going to slap me in the face again...Anyway, reach top of stairs, fix bike chain,.....put headphones on so I couldnt hear anyone....get on bike and okay...get to end of the street, turn a corner, thinking , (yeah-i can do this) Then half way down the main street, bike chain bounces and I swear........fix it...then panic....sopt it from happening, then really calm...THEN ......get to the fence, crossing two bits of pavement and entrance to a park...bike bounces ..I get off the bike...I lean a gainst the wall ..I start to swear and feel really angry WITH ME, but then think IS HIS FAULT..ITS HIS FAULT;NOT MINE Swear ( bastard!!!!) and then ..cry some ..try to stop but cant ...anyway, then I think its over ...i think its over well nope start hypeerventilating ...cant breathe.........


Just met one of the nices lads ever....yes...nice blonde Irish man aske "Can I help ya?' ...he takes the bike...and just helps me all the way back home...Honestly ...if there were honesty....I should have asked him if he liked kids and would he want a cup odf tea...but then worried that id put him out...but then (sh*t) he was lovely but just a glimpse os someone special..tut!....Theres a fly in my water now.....I sdont know..Im going to ring the doctor and see if I can go back on pills, and NOT DRINK at all..its all right for my sister to carry on and bla blah...she can cope with it..and therefore control it better...i simply cannot!!!!

I dont know ...... Iam thinking..ill just leave it till friday ( when I next have an appointment) problem though...how the ehell will I get there?

Cant do it..I am now panicing about ringing and thinking about how people are dying of cancer and how pathetic I am being..Im jts angry with myself.This will pass..I just wish it would hurry up!

Rang the doctor, and so glad...Bambi...what was that joke you made about valium? Think it was on Page 1.

Trouble is, partner ( ex) is taking over and I hate that-if hed just GOPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...i could start getting me back!!!!!!!!!!! But then I question that maybe ive done the wrong thing, maybe its all my interpretation and maybe , maybe like he says, I am ill-am I ill? Or am I ok and this is a normal reaction to a lot of stressors!!!! Anyway, I didnt get tround to telling the docotr about this place, but thanks to you...maybe Ill be okay..still not left my fornt step since earlier...and earlier I was like a person posessed....I mean I know what it is, when it happens , when its starting h, how to breateh, but it just takes you over....thats the girls hom than jgoodness.

Its your ill part of you brain that is making you NOT tell the doctor hon!! Honestly there are 2 sides too your brain, and the sick part wants you too remain sick! Yes there are people out there with cancer, and other terrible diseases, but does that diminsh your need for help too? NO!!!!!!!!

You need as much medical help and compassion as anyone else does. It is true your partner might not be as bad as you feel. BUT that is totally irrelevant!!!!!! This is ALL about you getting better, so THEN you can figure out if he is that bad - then you will be strong enough too handle him!

IF you don't get help and tell the truth, it is only a matter of time KAty, that you will be totally house bound. It is NOT Agraphobia you have, that is just a symptom of what is really going on! It is ALL consuming for you. And little things will be big things, your doctor NEEDS too know that you are in a bad way. He NEEDS too get you the help you need and DESERVE. Because if you don't get help for yourself Katy, the end result WILL be EVERYTHING left upto your partner too decide. The childrens care, who gets custody etc. I REALLY hate frightening you, but this IS what it is leading too. You might not think you have gotten worse since a month ago, but you HAVE!!! And I worry how it will be in another month!!!!

So PLEASE Katy, have the doctor come over too the house even. - if you can't tell him that you are in a bad wya. PLEASE

Bambi,I will have to do something. today was so bad...so isolating as well. cant even go to the shop...Actually, thats a lie, my eldet daughter helped me, but i was really wobbily and felt as if I was going to colapse. You know before you sit an important exam, that could help turn your life around, and you get really wound up , anxiously awaiting what is in the paper and if youve read up on the righ tstuff.I just feel like that, but all the time -total adrenaline ( i guess).

My partner made it to the doctors ,He too had an appointment, and then collected my prescription. It was too late to go to a chemist , and I doont know how im going to even make it to a chemsst tomorrow, and I am terrifed i want be able to and then Ill be stuck!!!

My friends have just rang-wondering where on earth Ive been all week, I joked with them about all the people I have met due to cuddling lamposts, didnt want to bore them with the real stuff ( though they know a fair bit-and think I am making the correct moves ( in terms of him leaving or us seperating) I know its for the best-but whether its everything coming back to haunt me, from my own experiences with my own family ( I dont know) I guess, half my problems stem from the fact i could never deal with things that had gone on then and then ( Oh look I dont know) I just know that my mum is probably correct when she stated I was on the verge of a breakdown. I think Ive been having one for over 2 yrs then :$ 8-|

Oh -been joking about ladies problems wth a friend...and the next time I have a panic attack..I will be wearing tenalady so I dont have to worry about that department. What I dont get though , is why am i so unstable...on my feet outside, and fine inside. Also I think iam fine before I leave the house, so I do this rant ..this is silly , this is nonsense, theres nothing wrong with me, and I annoy myyself, and Ive got to get up and get a move on , and then it happens..ill be standing and the pavements moved, the steps sway, and I fell of balance..I feel like i am going mad!

Hi: Even though it is a loose term and sounds totally pathetic, but you are TOTALLY in a panic attack. A panic attack can appear like a heart attack, vomiting, dizziness, unstable walking, headaches, nausea, PAIN etc. Your brain is the main command centre right? So if it is having a hard time, it WILL make the rest of your body feel the same way. Our brains are just bundles of electric wires and when there's a kink in a couple of those wires, it makes the whole body have different reactions. In your case, blurred vision, unstable walking, breathing difficulties etc.

Like I said lots of people use the term lightly BUT there is NOTHING light about it.

Regarding your past, OF COURSE it affects you today. You are what you have experienced and learned. If you see constant abuse or receive it, you WILL get into a violent relationship! Guaranteed, it takes a VERY strong person - in theselves - to step away from that circle. Because usually you have not been taught the skills to be able to make the right decision.

Have you ever been in a store, and there will be 3 or 4 generations all together, and there is absolutely NO difference between them? It's the same with abuse, I always said I would rather be hit then suffer one more heartbreaking word!!! The old expression "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" It is total c**p isn't it?

Your illness is NOTHING too be ashamed of, if you had asthma or a gangreen leg, you would get medication and physiotherapy too deal with it. This is the SAME thing, as a British person - I think we are totally programmed to stop being "Silly" and "Pull yourself together!!!!" Remember when I told you that I went to a professional counsellor? That took me about 6 weeks of self talk to get there. I kept thinking "I'm English, I don't need Therapy!!!" ;-) XD o.O When I told the therapist that she laughed, because of all the patients she saw, the ones that were British had the hardest time coming for help! I think it's because we come from an island and we have had too defend ourselves for thousands of years!!!!!! ;-) XD Don't think of help as a weakness, think of it as adding too your Resume or CV! It is just going to help you deal with issues, and make you stronger and healthier. Think of it as going too the spa!!!!!!! ;-) Your brain needs a vacation, once your brain has had time too rest and recuperate, it will be stronger and able too deal with everything.

So take your brain too the spa Katy!!!! ;-) XD Let it get a massage, hydrotherapy and perhaps some good old drugs!!! And it will thank you by being there every step of the way! I'm trying too lighten all of this up for you and so you can see, getting help is really no big deal. But keeping sick is!!! Right?

Hey Bambi-it all makes sense! My goodness, bye have the times when I used to love to sit and read journal articels about the brain and its weird and wonderful ways-I could really do with going back there and tresuring that time. Though , that makes it worse, what I was good at, and what my best friends saw, is nothing of me now. The people I was neares and dearest to me,ould they evr understand m, if any of them are left? The more I look into it, the more I find who has done ok, then who has not, or who has past away, and even though I am in my (shh!sh*t) mid 30s How did that happen? i cant quite believe how many gave up - or had bad luck!!Its haunting , but I could have easily have carried on crying in the streets for years longer, i could easily have gone fuckk it-(sorry for the swearing) and denied everything, i could easily have done that. ( iguess-at the moment, though I am not denying my issues, I am almost pretending, they dont exist)..I feel like there is no real issue indooors, and cant really understand why I am scraping mybody of brick walls, outside..I cant really understand that-surely i coud try harde to hide it!!! But like I said earlier-it feels totally outwith my control, like a person posessed..and once you fall your right down there, and as they say from where I am from |Ya canny get a grip" Gawd, i hat e that slang. well, ok, my docotr has prescribed something, that I think o.O :$ I think what?eh? Do I really need that stuff? But Illl give it a go? if I can walk the streets again , I will be more than greatful?

I read about the side effects, and it states"Do not use while prganat" ....I know my mum was given high doses of valium when expecting--hahah-maybe its all her fault..Owe, I know I sound realy bitter here, but perhaps someone could remind my mum.....My dad never needs much reminding..if I fail at something or struggle , or dont seem to make sense, he makes ligh tof it..and laughs,....and then states"katy we are blessed by you, and we are lucky you are evn on the planet"..whereas my mum who is aroung like a pure clingon...dont get me wrong though( id be lost without her) is more..."Katy, your roots are really bad o.O OMg.I might die from black root syndroem hahaha-Or shell sya"Your eyebrows need done", Or "Your fave looks to thin their -its not like that anymore" Or, "Wy dont you iron?"" Or "Why do you smell so bad?"Or.....ignore ignore ignore, play with the kids, and everytime, she comes aroung ( in my mind, I think...why dont you just stop criticising and crawl back to where you came from -your my mum whatever happened to unconditional love?)...I constantly , and yeah m later my kids will be "shut up mum"-but i always try and say how lovely they ar9 well yes, in my eyes they are lovely and sound and clever people -I really dont give a toosss pt burger what anyone else thinks.If they grew up thinking they are ok, they will bw on a more positve winning streak than I ever was. Though I also see that its in built.Becca puts herself down-ive saidi it before-but she does, and it is hard trying to convince her that she is none of the htings she says she is....I played with her last night and she was like ( bless her) somehting from ET..high heel, long skirts hanbags , jewellery and eyeshadow...we had fun . i thought it went well, but realise this whole thing , pattern of events is makng her even more insecure than her allready self...I find that alone torture.

Shes loosing her 2 front teeth, er first baby teeth and her speech is all over the place..but, I understand her. though worry, although she was .is incredibly cute.She want be cute forever and want get away with her cheeky behaviour...it makes me worry about her, and sometimes I get exhausted just by all of it..I wish she sometimes was more angelic, like her sister, Her sister seems to findlife easy( then again I dont know everything so not so sure) But well shed make a good doctor brain surgeon or astraunaur..I dont know how she does it, but she always comes home with badges"Superb effort" and so on, and it does make me feel really proud, and she doesnt ever seem to work hard, though she does do little work..she just seems to be natural..and she okay she enjoys a good book and I think that great, and she learns all the time, and she smiles..she smiles..When she smiles I just see the baby in her, even though she wears the same size of shoes and is nearly as tall as me,,,I guess both , will always be my babies,

partner ex0 has made an appointment for her, as shes being really troubled by a huge wart on her hand, alex calls it the "w-hand"...make sme laugh..Ive only ever had one wart in my life and I am hoping the same goes for her...one massive yuckie yuck...but surely she want need it lance, ..Liek isay these things take hard work to shif and if she reallly wants rid of it, she needs to go through the pain of burning it with bazuka, and filling it down...well no one listens to me...so of they go.Maybe , i dont know ex is right..keep calling him that, just to get use to it, mind yo I would rather call him something more appropriate , like dich head..

Also , my good friend, who last year had a babay, her newborn was born with a hole in her heart, and has not stoped being ill. My frien d has something wrong with her back , and suffer with ME, she gets given epidurals, and spine treaent, and I worry about walking o.O o.O My other friend,,,,shes the sam really I cant say anything bad aboutthem..I am so lucky to have met these people mothers whose heads are not up their own bottome( welll thank goodness for that XD XD XD XD we se the light!!!!)Little did I know my friend was aware that it was my birthdy a coming up, and :$ :$ :$ :$ o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O XD XD XD XD she wants to take me to the cinema...i was so shocked that A) she was so aware and B) that a mum with 2 lovely children could be bothered with me!! Find it touching!!! So I guess, things are maybe turnning around ..I just hope I can walk outside. it would help! bambi, take care of you, like my friends, youve been a great suppor, and though Ive probably drained you somewhat, you have are doing me wonders..Pls god pray i can go outside todayPlease..I never thought this could have ever happened to ME..I never- I believed depression an alien thing to do and so fourth..or anxiety or even stress,Non of these things weere even in question..I mean...4th yr....read books /journal articel the night before exam whilst consuming a bottle of gin-turn up issed for exam with a habd just ready to do the hand movements :$ :$ :$ XD well, thats how I studued 8) :-P o.O

I hate this! Feel useless.pointless, kids can cope without me, and thinking perhaps life would be better without me, perhaps, dadyy would be nicer and cope better, I am alomosyt a nothing anonexstence, I know they love me, and I love them , but I hate the way I feel, I hate everything about me, about any of it..about him and how I feel what he has done to me, whether it be correct or not...I hate this...I am staying in bed. I dont think thers much point in getting up today..I mean children are being collected by him, and going to friends. Any tidying up I do is non essential and I cant handle what happened and or what I have to do- i wish I was dead..I wish someone would take me away...just ,,,,okay there isnt a point anyway.....The fact I cant even be bothered to get up and fight and get up an dfight for my children sake...so bad...I cnat even sleep and I amtoo worried I will colapse to get to the chemist...Ouch!!! keep stubying big toe, and fed up with my stupid foot!!! Ive nothing to give, nothing....I am a sh*t parent , Ive failed at everything and I am a big disappointment to my mum , and my dad barely speaks, and never tells me he loves me, and my sister is an all mighty mare that chooses to phone me every night , everynigh, like a fool every night I answer the phone and every night we talk, and blah blah, I have fallen out with her before, stating I have 2 children and that htye need my attention....owe and then told mum and dad about her. I am the one ending up getting the big fat row, as Nikkki is lonely and miles away and I have a family and a point to my existence.

They just dont know, My sister knows and I think my sister is a great person and when she doesnt phone I really miss her really miss her and she is a support in a away, but I am exhausted and why no one ever ever tells me and why its always my fault ..Its always my fault and if I were to turn round to anyone who knows me right now and tell them how I was feeling I know Id get a big fat row and that I am a mother tand they should come first ( So they shoul I know they should and i ahte me for being in this place as this is not the place I intend to be. My children are my spuer heroes my be all and end all to my stupid crazy selfish existence...They make me and I made them so therefore I know they shoud come first...they do and I shouldnt be wishing me dead but I see they can cope without me and he doesnt love me, and I ahte all of oit..I hate all of this...Theres never going to be an end to it- I had children with him and hes always going to be able to nip at me!

I cant even go out on my bike, I can read, but Im not doing that properly and ok I am going to shut up now..If I make it to the chemist, Ill let you know if it helps..Iam really worried it makes no fdifferent and what If its a consequence of my own selfish abuse to my body..I onestly feel like I am going to colapse..My sister says "You should just let it happen-get it over quicker"

Right, im going to try and get to the chemist. Cant stay in theis flat all day..i think its all so ironic that I am doing this isin the street ...when I should really be running thousands of miles and million miles per hour out of here, Dont know...the chemist is about 3 minutes form here, and I dont htink I will make it.

This is stupid!!!!I need soap powder and I need washing up liquid and I need food oh and I need to get to the post office and I need cat food and I need this drug from the chemist and I need my hair done XD XD XD and I need a couple of new legs and a new brain XD Ok, I think I will be getting that evil nasty letter from his lawyer today.....sure it will be here soon!!! Just what i need, not tht aI care.he can do whatever ..i just need to function again.....scared...ok..im going to have this drink ..cupr of coffee before you questin if I am drinking...and then go..Do you think the dep brething thing will work..I can feel me going all wobbily and Ive not even put my shoes on yet!!!!!Gawd, I need one of those simmer thingys...even then , not sure if that would help!