After my little success, I came home still shaking. i rang an old friend of mine who basically said"I was playing into his hands" harsh words, but maybeshe has a opint. So that made me feel worse...so making the decsision to take this slowly so that I am totally over issues and my competence as a good mother with my childrens needs as the formost important thing to deal with.
I will wait and see what his lawyer says...wait until I have a clean slate and then make the move from there. i guess it has to take time considering everything..Not something Im used to but is something I have to accept.
Now worried I want sleep tonight as been sleeping ever since phone call conversation with friend.
Children are home and they are good. Just carrying on so going now to spend some time with them.
I will wait and see what his lawyer says...wait until I have a clean slate and then make the move from there. i guess it has to take time considering everything..Not something Im used to but is something I have to accept.
Now worried I want sleep tonight as been sleeping ever since phone call conversation with friend.
Children are home and they are good. Just carrying on so going now to spend some time with them.
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Hi Hon: I'm BAAACK!! Anyways stayed 2 days with some old friends, they are both nurses. One is a General RN, the other is a Psychiatric RN. I was talking too her about you and some others I have been talking too.
She agreed with my "Diagnosis" that you are in a TOTAL panic attack disorder. That is leading too symptoms of Agrophobia, Panic - of course, Nausea, Dizziness, Etc etc.
She too told me that you need too be assessed by professionals. They take in all kinds of people with different levels of mental health decline. There are some - of course - that will never leave the hospital. Then the majority of them come in, stay a week or perhaps 2 and the doctors and specialists are able too determine what medicine too give too them, what dose works and doesn't etc. Treats them from health, diet, therapy, coping skills, medication - if needed, etc. etc. AND the best thing is offers help when they get out. Now keeping in mind that this is Canada, and we have FAR LESS services that are provided than in Britain. So your situation could be helped even better over there.
Myself and EVERYONE of my friends have had some sort of mental "Illness" be it depression, baby blues, panic attacks, hyperventilation etc. And I will bet you dollars too donuts that your friends too have varying degrees of this too. It's just that yours is more visible, than theirs is. So don't EVER feel less than them! Don't EVER feel like you don't deserve to be well! Don't EVER think that you are not as BAD as others! This is YOU and YOU alone! It's no one elses business. Don't worry about others - except your kids of course. Don't worry about what you ex is doing - WHO CARES!!!!!!!!?, Don't worry what your family and friends think about you getting help!!! WHO CARES?!!!!!
Because I will tell you this hon, the moment you are back in control and healthy again. ALL of them WILL admire you for your strength. And ALL of them WILL wish they had your strength. You are NOT alone in all of this, there are hundreds of thousands of people just like you in Britain right now, DESPERATE too get well. And you CAN!! You just have too get it.
No I AM going too copy this message and just keep posting it on here, till you actually go to the doctors and ask him for help and tell him everything. I won't give up on you Katy, but I WILL bug the hell out of you!!!!! ;-) XD GO DO IT!!!!!
She agreed with my "Diagnosis" that you are in a TOTAL panic attack disorder. That is leading too symptoms of Agrophobia, Panic - of course, Nausea, Dizziness, Etc etc.
She too told me that you need too be assessed by professionals. They take in all kinds of people with different levels of mental health decline. There are some - of course - that will never leave the hospital. Then the majority of them come in, stay a week or perhaps 2 and the doctors and specialists are able too determine what medicine too give too them, what dose works and doesn't etc. Treats them from health, diet, therapy, coping skills, medication - if needed, etc. etc. AND the best thing is offers help when they get out. Now keeping in mind that this is Canada, and we have FAR LESS services that are provided than in Britain. So your situation could be helped even better over there.
Myself and EVERYONE of my friends have had some sort of mental "Illness" be it depression, baby blues, panic attacks, hyperventilation etc. And I will bet you dollars too donuts that your friends too have varying degrees of this too. It's just that yours is more visible, than theirs is. So don't EVER feel less than them! Don't EVER feel like you don't deserve to be well! Don't EVER think that you are not as BAD as others! This is YOU and YOU alone! It's no one elses business. Don't worry about others - except your kids of course. Don't worry about what you ex is doing - WHO CARES!!!!!!!!?, Don't worry what your family and friends think about you getting help!!! WHO CARES?!!!!!
Because I will tell you this hon, the moment you are back in control and healthy again. ALL of them WILL admire you for your strength. And ALL of them WILL wish they had your strength. You are NOT alone in all of this, there are hundreds of thousands of people just like you in Britain right now, DESPERATE too get well. And you CAN!! You just have too get it.
No I AM going too copy this message and just keep posting it on here, till you actually go to the doctors and ask him for help and tell him everything. I won't give up on you Katy, but I WILL bug the hell out of you!!!!! ;-) XD GO DO IT!!!!!
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Hi: I was looking into this a lot further and found the below site, I think you will find it VERY interesting and can totally relate too most of it on there. And note the part of it being TOTALLY treatable!
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3075.html
This is a great one Katy and it's not trying to sell a book or vitamins or name brand drugs either.
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3075.html
This is a great one Katy and it's not trying to sell a book or vitamins or name brand drugs either.
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Hi Bambi-thank you again for your compassionate words. I foggishly managed a day back at work-must admit though I was not myself. A friend gave me a lift home after I dropped the children off at school..Then I mnage it alone to the bus stop..had the occasional leg spasm dollowed by panic, but seems to be subsiding. Though the worrying thing is that its taking valium and anti depressants to help it on its way,
Ive been up since 430am again and really chewed up tired feeling.
I am hoping with the help of these meds, some sleep and with the help of a drink specialist I will be much stronger-I dont know.This is causing me added stress regarding my homelife as he is having to help a lot more and asking :If I am allright o.O "Then I start to analyse the situation , and thin kI am in a trap..A total trap...and I just thing i am attempting something that I will never be strong enough to do. I cant go back i dont want to go back-but I dont know how to move forward.
My dad goes into hospital for his op tomorrow, so its an added worry.Anyway, I must go help Becca with her homework, take care Dafty...Ps, I think ill be fine if I completely stop drinking!
Ive been up since 430am again and really chewed up tired feeling.
I am hoping with the help of these meds, some sleep and with the help of a drink specialist I will be much stronger-I dont know.This is causing me added stress regarding my homelife as he is having to help a lot more and asking :If I am allright o.O "Then I start to analyse the situation , and thin kI am in a trap..A total trap...and I just thing i am attempting something that I will never be strong enough to do. I cant go back i dont want to go back-but I dont know how to move forward.
My dad goes into hospital for his op tomorrow, so its an added worry.Anyway, I must go help Becca with her homework, take care Dafty...Ps, I think ill be fine if I completely stop drinking!
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I was an alcoholic from 14 too 24 years old. And I can tell you honestly it NEVER affected me like what you are going through. Your drinking is just a way of coping. So PLEASE once again, read the link and get some help. STOP thinking you are fine, you are not! You need to get better for more than a minute!!! Here's another copy I threatened you with!!!!!! ;-)
Hi: I was looking into this a lot further and found the below site, I think you will find it VERY interesting and can totally relate too most of it on there. And note the part of it being TOTALLY treatable!
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3075.html
This is a great one Katy and it's not trying to sell a book or vitamins or name brand drugs either.
bambi27 Posted: 06/16/09 - 19:37 Post subject:
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Hi Hon: I'm BAAACK!! Anyways stayed 2 days with some old friends, they are both nurses. One is a General RN, the other is a Psychiatric RN. I was talking too her about you and some others I have been talking too.
She agreed with my "Diagnosis" that you are in a TOTAL panic attack disorder. That is leading too symptoms of Agrophobia, Panic - of course, Nausea, Dizziness, Etc etc.
She too told me that you need too be assessed by professionals. They take in all kinds of people with different levels of mental health decline. There are some - of course - that will never leave the hospital. Then the majority of them come in, stay a week or perhaps 2 and the doctors and specialists are able too determine what medicine too give too them, what dose works and doesn't etc. Treats them from health, diet, therapy, coping skills, medication - if needed, etc. etc. AND the best thing is offers help when they get out. Now keeping in mind that this is Canada, and we have FAR LESS services that are provided than in Britain. So your situation could be helped even better over there.
Myself and EVERYONE of my friends have had some sort of mental "Illness" be it depression, baby blues, panic attacks, hyperventilation etc. And I will bet you dollars too donuts that your friends too have varying degrees of this too. It's just that yours is more visible, than theirs is. So don't EVER feel less than them! Don't EVER feel like you don't deserve to be well! Don't EVER think that you are not as BAD as others! This is YOU and YOU alone! It's no one elses business. Don't worry about others - except your kids of course. Don't worry about what you ex is doing - WHO CARES!!!!!!!!?, Don't worry what your family and friends think about you getting help!!! WHO CARES?!!!!!
Because I will tell you this hon, the moment you are back in control and healthy again. ALL of them WILL admire you for your strength. And ALL of them WILL wish they had your strength. You are NOT alone in all of this, there are hundreds of thousands of people just like you in Britain right now, DESPERATE too get well. And you CAN!! You just have too get it.
No I AM going too copy this message and just keep posting it on here, till you actually go to the doctors and ask him for help and tell him everything. I won't give up on you Katy, but I WILL bug the hell out of you!!!!! GO DO IT!!!!!
GO DO IT!!!
Hi: I was looking into this a lot further and found the below site, I think you will find it VERY interesting and can totally relate too most of it on there. And note the part of it being TOTALLY treatable!
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3075.html
This is a great one Katy and it's not trying to sell a book or vitamins or name brand drugs either.
bambi27 Posted: 06/16/09 - 19:37 Post subject:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Hon: I'm BAAACK!! Anyways stayed 2 days with some old friends, they are both nurses. One is a General RN, the other is a Psychiatric RN. I was talking too her about you and some others I have been talking too.
She agreed with my "Diagnosis" that you are in a TOTAL panic attack disorder. That is leading too symptoms of Agrophobia, Panic - of course, Nausea, Dizziness, Etc etc.
She too told me that you need too be assessed by professionals. They take in all kinds of people with different levels of mental health decline. There are some - of course - that will never leave the hospital. Then the majority of them come in, stay a week or perhaps 2 and the doctors and specialists are able too determine what medicine too give too them, what dose works and doesn't etc. Treats them from health, diet, therapy, coping skills, medication - if needed, etc. etc. AND the best thing is offers help when they get out. Now keeping in mind that this is Canada, and we have FAR LESS services that are provided than in Britain. So your situation could be helped even better over there.
Myself and EVERYONE of my friends have had some sort of mental "Illness" be it depression, baby blues, panic attacks, hyperventilation etc. And I will bet you dollars too donuts that your friends too have varying degrees of this too. It's just that yours is more visible, than theirs is. So don't EVER feel less than them! Don't EVER feel like you don't deserve to be well! Don't EVER think that you are not as BAD as others! This is YOU and YOU alone! It's no one elses business. Don't worry about others - except your kids of course. Don't worry about what you ex is doing - WHO CARES!!!!!!!!?, Don't worry what your family and friends think about you getting help!!! WHO CARES?!!!!!
Because I will tell you this hon, the moment you are back in control and healthy again. ALL of them WILL admire you for your strength. And ALL of them WILL wish they had your strength. You are NOT alone in all of this, there are hundreds of thousands of people just like you in Britain right now, DESPERATE too get well. And you CAN!! You just have too get it.
No I AM going too copy this message and just keep posting it on here, till you actually go to the doctors and ask him for help and tell him everything. I won't give up on you Katy, but I WILL bug the hell out of you!!!!! GO DO IT!!!!!
GO DO IT!!!
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Hi bambi-Ive just read your link, and I can relate to EVERYTHING.
mY problems now are the fear that it will just strike at any given time-though I am learning to cope in some ways by myself. Once youve crossed a big massive space , you can do it again, sometimes its harder than other times.
The thing is, Im not sure, but cant help but feel Ive dealt my own disabling cards, ...hes acting like NOTHING is happening. im going to have to ring my solicitor and arrange to see him , as I really dont think my ex has any intentions of doing anything about any of it.
As hes being polite and pleasant, ive now started to question "is this what I really want?"...Im sticking my grounding, as polite as it maybe ( and that good for the girls sake) Its not healthy to remain in this situation.But like you say, i have to be stron genough to do it.
Im finding it hard. Imanaged to collect my little one form school and she was so so happy to see me up and about..and it made me fel better that Id got that far.
On the other side of things, im scared to go back to any doctor for any help. i dont know what he has said about my behaviour. i dont really care either as I hid a lot of info on him, but I did that as I was so ashamed. Anyway, if I get worse, i will basically take your advice....its just if I do end up in hospital , it willl look bad on me. Then there was my ex sister in law shouting at me down the phone:your playing into his hands,,,,and what are you doing? Your children come first?" I was really upset by her judgement as despite not having been able to do things recently and despite not being able to abstain from alcohol, Ive never taken it out on them , in any way: In fact, more the opposite, its more you over compansate as Ive felt guilty for so many thinggs. In a way I resent having gone for help, as they have said apparently(well according to him0 and i can believe this from my own reportings of my own behaviour that "they have been a pinch away from ringing social services) i felt gutted. Despite the fact i drink in the evenings, and thats all Id do, i would NEVER drink in the day time, or pre their bedtime..its all in my mediacl file now too, and I wishe in a way that I had alied, i know many folks that have..but I cant lie....and I dont know i dont do anymore abuse than I say I do..so it really gets me in knots..and then feelings of "who to trust "winds me up in knots!!
Anyway...Ill go back and read the link...it is helpful. i did have a CpN that said it could be GAD, but personally from that moment she said it...I was thinking "Youve not got it" thats not it..but hey I am no expert and these things ,, well they are a mish mash to diagnose. Im still not so sure about if I have PtSD..though I do recall when i got my black eyes thinking back to that time in my grubby bedsit..In away, it makes sense, and in away i feel better that I am not going mad..its just a reaction. Thanks again Bambi.
mY problems now are the fear that it will just strike at any given time-though I am learning to cope in some ways by myself. Once youve crossed a big massive space , you can do it again, sometimes its harder than other times.
The thing is, Im not sure, but cant help but feel Ive dealt my own disabling cards, ...hes acting like NOTHING is happening. im going to have to ring my solicitor and arrange to see him , as I really dont think my ex has any intentions of doing anything about any of it.
As hes being polite and pleasant, ive now started to question "is this what I really want?"...Im sticking my grounding, as polite as it maybe ( and that good for the girls sake) Its not healthy to remain in this situation.But like you say, i have to be stron genough to do it.
Im finding it hard. Imanaged to collect my little one form school and she was so so happy to see me up and about..and it made me fel better that Id got that far.
On the other side of things, im scared to go back to any doctor for any help. i dont know what he has said about my behaviour. i dont really care either as I hid a lot of info on him, but I did that as I was so ashamed. Anyway, if I get worse, i will basically take your advice....its just if I do end up in hospital , it willl look bad on me. Then there was my ex sister in law shouting at me down the phone:your playing into his hands,,,,and what are you doing? Your children come first?" I was really upset by her judgement as despite not having been able to do things recently and despite not being able to abstain from alcohol, Ive never taken it out on them , in any way: In fact, more the opposite, its more you over compansate as Ive felt guilty for so many thinggs. In a way I resent having gone for help, as they have said apparently(well according to him0 and i can believe this from my own reportings of my own behaviour that "they have been a pinch away from ringing social services) i felt gutted. Despite the fact i drink in the evenings, and thats all Id do, i would NEVER drink in the day time, or pre their bedtime..its all in my mediacl file now too, and I wishe in a way that I had alied, i know many folks that have..but I cant lie....and I dont know i dont do anymore abuse than I say I do..so it really gets me in knots..and then feelings of "who to trust "winds me up in knots!!
Anyway...Ill go back and read the link...it is helpful. i did have a CpN that said it could be GAD, but personally from that moment she said it...I was thinking "Youve not got it" thats not it..but hey I am no expert and these things ,, well they are a mish mash to diagnose. Im still not so sure about if I have PtSD..though I do recall when i got my black eyes thinking back to that time in my grubby bedsit..In away, it makes sense, and in away i feel better that I am not going mad..its just a reaction. Thanks again Bambi.
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You\re welcome hon, and think of it this way that is why SHE is your EX Sister Inlaw!!!!! XD XD ;-)
It's time for you not too give a flying fig about what others think, INCLUDING ex sisterinlaws, doctors, him, familiy members etc.
You know when you are on a diet, and then your guy buys you chocolate, or your girlfriends want too go out for some toffee pudding? This is the same thing, people LIKE too be needed, they subconsciouly want you to be week. So they - unknowingly - sabotage you at every turn. The only ones that sometimes are the greatest help ARE total strangers. It's weird isn't it? When I was at the height of my addiction, all of girlfriends were talking too each other about me but not too me! They were all worried about the different things they saw, so they would call each other and talk about what too do with me. You know why? Because they didn't have a CLUE of how to broach the subject with me. It HAD too be ME that did it and not them. And when I reached out for help and said the words "Help Me" and told my friends and family that I indeed had a problem, they were all "Oh THANK GOD!!!!!" And that will be the same for you too.
So b****r them!!!! and don't worry about your doc. To me he sounds like a good guy actually. He's not brushing you off, I truly think he knows there's more here than what you are releasing. It's time to PURGE yourself of every dirty little secret.
My 2 girlfriends - that I was with for 2 days - had similar upbringings too you and I. We were talking about how we are ALL protectors of the secrets. We know what we know, we ALWAYS protected and disguised the problems and the persons that created the situations. We lived through different phases of hell, then we dated or married the next phase. SO when it happens again, we go into protection mode. So the perpatrators will ALWAYS get away with it. Even though we desperately don't want it too happen it does, we raise our children with as much love and support as humanly possible, hoping and praying that our children will have the spirit too not choose as we did!!! Just like our mothers prayed for us. What a DAUNTING situation too be in! How in hell's name do we stop our girls from being victims and our sons from being abusers?
The only way IS too show them isn't it? I have NEVER been punched by my husband. I've always told him, "IF you ever hit me, make sure I don't get back up!' That takes care of the physical violence, BUT I didn't say the same for him hitting me emotionally!! And THAT my love is where we "failed" - for the lack of a better word! We didn't say "You will NEVER put me down, You will NEVER make me feel inhuman, and you will NEVER be hateful. I tell my boys that if they ever hurt their girlfriends or wives, I will kick their buts so bad that they wont know what hit them. But I HAVE been lacking in saying how they should NEVER treat a woman terribly via their words. Funny heh?!!!!! And talking too my girlfriends, we came too the same conclusion, that it's time too stand up for ourselves and thus our children. And not allow anymore c**p to affect us both.
So I am including you in our renewed group OK? So forget him and work on yourself. There enough air used for the day!!!! ;-) XD You can tell I've been drinking some whoopass over the last couple of days can't you?!!! I'm in a "don't take any prisoners" mode right now! I hope no one cuts me off!!! XD XD XD
It's time for you not too give a flying fig about what others think, INCLUDING ex sisterinlaws, doctors, him, familiy members etc.
You know when you are on a diet, and then your guy buys you chocolate, or your girlfriends want too go out for some toffee pudding? This is the same thing, people LIKE too be needed, they subconsciouly want you to be week. So they - unknowingly - sabotage you at every turn. The only ones that sometimes are the greatest help ARE total strangers. It's weird isn't it? When I was at the height of my addiction, all of girlfriends were talking too each other about me but not too me! They were all worried about the different things they saw, so they would call each other and talk about what too do with me. You know why? Because they didn't have a CLUE of how to broach the subject with me. It HAD too be ME that did it and not them. And when I reached out for help and said the words "Help Me" and told my friends and family that I indeed had a problem, they were all "Oh THANK GOD!!!!!" And that will be the same for you too.
So b****r them!!!! and don't worry about your doc. To me he sounds like a good guy actually. He's not brushing you off, I truly think he knows there's more here than what you are releasing. It's time to PURGE yourself of every dirty little secret.
My 2 girlfriends - that I was with for 2 days - had similar upbringings too you and I. We were talking about how we are ALL protectors of the secrets. We know what we know, we ALWAYS protected and disguised the problems and the persons that created the situations. We lived through different phases of hell, then we dated or married the next phase. SO when it happens again, we go into protection mode. So the perpatrators will ALWAYS get away with it. Even though we desperately don't want it too happen it does, we raise our children with as much love and support as humanly possible, hoping and praying that our children will have the spirit too not choose as we did!!! Just like our mothers prayed for us. What a DAUNTING situation too be in! How in hell's name do we stop our girls from being victims and our sons from being abusers?
The only way IS too show them isn't it? I have NEVER been punched by my husband. I've always told him, "IF you ever hit me, make sure I don't get back up!' That takes care of the physical violence, BUT I didn't say the same for him hitting me emotionally!! And THAT my love is where we "failed" - for the lack of a better word! We didn't say "You will NEVER put me down, You will NEVER make me feel inhuman, and you will NEVER be hateful. I tell my boys that if they ever hurt their girlfriends or wives, I will kick their buts so bad that they wont know what hit them. But I HAVE been lacking in saying how they should NEVER treat a woman terribly via their words. Funny heh?!!!!! And talking too my girlfriends, we came too the same conclusion, that it's time too stand up for ourselves and thus our children. And not allow anymore c**p to affect us both.
So I am including you in our renewed group OK? So forget him and work on yourself. There enough air used for the day!!!! ;-) XD You can tell I've been drinking some whoopass over the last couple of days can't you?!!! I'm in a "don't take any prisoners" mode right now! I hope no one cuts me off!!! XD XD XD
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Hi bambi, Ive just read your post back to me..Its all so amazing how you understand-looking back.I think my mum had such high standards that I could never confirm and sought to seek approval elsewhere, and is why , it always was so importnat for others to accept who I am. by doing that I guess...my seeking reassurance turns on you and people push you to the outside...then it spirals from there. Your last post just says to me...that My opinion IS important, a tool to be used and not something to be hidden away I reckon this was /is 75% of my problem, and secondly....who cares what others think? Half the reaon I started drinking was because I hot so upset or sensive to what others thought
Anyway, just about to go to work..feeling a bit dizzy today, but managed a slice of toast for breakfast...and I ate 3 meals yesterday ( wow!!0 me happy about that noe..Childrne went to school with partner....and oh ...last night he stated that hed received an email from his solicitor ...that his solicitor had contacted mine...I checked the emails ...and I cant find anything...hmm %-) Anyway, from now on,,,, my childrn come first ...then me.....(lol) ..and then maybe you for sticking by me...b****r what everyone else thinks. Im not that bad! thanks Bambi....ratings for you if anyone is reading+over 110%. (Even if you have had a couple of whoopaas, whatever they are)
Anyway, just about to go to work..feeling a bit dizzy today, but managed a slice of toast for breakfast...and I ate 3 meals yesterday ( wow!!0 me happy about that noe..Childrne went to school with partner....and oh ...last night he stated that hed received an email from his solicitor ...that his solicitor had contacted mine...I checked the emails ...and I cant find anything...hmm %-) Anyway, from now on,,,, my childrn come first ...then me.....(lol) ..and then maybe you for sticking by me...b****r what everyone else thinks. Im not that bad! thanks Bambi....ratings for you if anyone is reading+over 110%. (Even if you have had a couple of whoopaas, whatever they are)
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Hi bambi...I managed the school run today ..well this afternoon and just feeling a bit braver about going outside. I am worried though..this is just the beginning of a versy slow and painful battle ..so whats next, cause I dont feel strong enough to copw with much more. i am glad that I managed to get my girls and that was such a great feeling and they hgave me such a huge welcome as mummy holds thei hands , daddy does not hold their hands ( weird!)
For some reason, today I am feeling a bit guikllty about saying he is the abuser. I mean at some point I did get abslutoley snmashed recked , drunk. I rmeber being really frustrated and thinking "why does he not listen..Im only asking for help, not much 9 though dont get me wrong I certainly have no room for people who are physically viloent) and being drink is not an excuse. This particular instance, I d flipped out Id got of my chair and I slapped him once...and he throw me on the ground and threatened me with his fist in my face...well thast just cat fuighting...but I fel like I initated itImbetting that this will be what will be used against me as well.
Looking back though, i know it was not...I was confident when I was ppissed ( ok , maybe over confident) and hed hit me, and bullied me and made me do things I did not want tot do for years..not that that makes it anymore exscusable
despite, my feeling like this, I feel a bit more relaxed....havent had one panic attack-though still taking citalopram and 2 mgs of diazepam ( though not taking as much as 3xs as prescribed) i just take one tab) as I am scared Ill get addicted to that stuff 2.
The other thing, now that I am getting back on my feet and that I can nearly put one foot in front of the other , I am worried and concerned about life in the future. alife on benefits is not going to be much fun , but then I ll need to find a course to do so I can get a proper job for when the children start high school ( at least by then) This all makes me fell argh!!!! pressure!!!!11
You know how you mention about when someone goes on a diet, and your guy buys you chocolate and so on...well when I was on my wine diet....hed buy me wine, knowing that it didnt agree with me....the same thing really but I guess worse.
Hmmm, wondering if I should ring my solicitor ..Im wooried that my partner is just bluffing about his as still no word. Where does that leave me? Does that leave me stuck in this house with this man for the rest of my life? Or , homeless with my 2 children and could end up in the pitts while he sits back with his feet up? And when you say you were an alcoholic-what did you drink/ and how did you stop?
For some reason, today I am feeling a bit guikllty about saying he is the abuser. I mean at some point I did get abslutoley snmashed recked , drunk. I rmeber being really frustrated and thinking "why does he not listen..Im only asking for help, not much 9 though dont get me wrong I certainly have no room for people who are physically viloent) and being drink is not an excuse. This particular instance, I d flipped out Id got of my chair and I slapped him once...and he throw me on the ground and threatened me with his fist in my face...well thast just cat fuighting...but I fel like I initated itImbetting that this will be what will be used against me as well.
Looking back though, i know it was not...I was confident when I was ppissed ( ok , maybe over confident) and hed hit me, and bullied me and made me do things I did not want tot do for years..not that that makes it anymore exscusable
despite, my feeling like this, I feel a bit more relaxed....havent had one panic attack-though still taking citalopram and 2 mgs of diazepam ( though not taking as much as 3xs as prescribed) i just take one tab) as I am scared Ill get addicted to that stuff 2.
The other thing, now that I am getting back on my feet and that I can nearly put one foot in front of the other , I am worried and concerned about life in the future. alife on benefits is not going to be much fun , but then I ll need to find a course to do so I can get a proper job for when the children start high school ( at least by then) This all makes me fell argh!!!! pressure!!!!11
You know how you mention about when someone goes on a diet, and your guy buys you chocolate and so on...well when I was on my wine diet....hed buy me wine, knowing that it didnt agree with me....the same thing really but I guess worse.
Hmmm, wondering if I should ring my solicitor ..Im wooried that my partner is just bluffing about his as still no word. Where does that leave me? Does that leave me stuck in this house with this man for the rest of my life? Or , homeless with my 2 children and could end up in the pitts while he sits back with his feet up? And when you say you were an alcoholic-what did you drink/ and how did you stop?
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My poor dad is stil in theatre. Ehhhhhh...yuck!!1 hes getting 3 pieces of bone cut out his foot and somesort of pin stuck in it!!! That sounds hellish!!!! Whod be a surgeon???Thats just yuck, yuck yuck yuck!!!!Decided never to complain about my deforemd toe again-Id rather live with bizarre looking shoes!!!...I have a trigger toe..and Ill probably end up with the same bunion arthritc problem ( hes getting the blaim)..Poor man!!
Watched dvd with children ...it was great, but so tired, keep falling a sleep.
Watched dvd with children ...it was great, but so tired, keep falling a sleep.
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One step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time and one day at a time. You can only take care of RIGHT NOW! Yesterday is gone, today is here, and tommorrow is what it will be!!!
Whoopass by the way is an expression we use over here. It means "I am going too kick your butt!!!!" Take no prisoners kind of thing! It has been a pretty enlightening couple of days actually. My husband said too me last night, "Whats up with you?" He has noticed a change in me - I know that sounds daft in just 2 days - but it is. I have been friends with the 2 I stayed with for over 30 years, we went through EVERY emotion, every little embarrassment and secrets. No ONE gets us, we don't tell them our secrets, but we can tell each other. We talked about how I have them and several other old time friends that were in the exact same position as us. It is as though we have an invisible sign saying "We are victims, and we are probably going to vitims all of our lives, do you want too be my friend? Also if you are looking for a girlfriend or wife that will take all of your c**p I AM your girl!" It is almost a standard requirment, that if you hear a loud bang or someone shouting it will take your breath away and almost bring you too your knees! It is almost a standard requirement, that if you look in the mirror you will say the worst things possible too yourself" And I say NO MORE!!!
I talked too my eldest yesterday and said "You know what I said about if you ever hit your girlfriend or wife?" he was like "Yeah" I replied "I want too add that you BETTER NOT ever treat them like they are nothing, and you better not call them terrible names and make them feel bad about themselves!" he looked at me like this o.O and said "Why are you saying this now?" I said, "I just haven't covered ALL the bases of abuse, and I expect 0 abuse from you and your brother towards women and children!"
My eldest is 16 and my youngest is almost 14, I cannot believe I didn't say that too them before. As mothers of boys, we HAVE to say these things, as mothers of girls you HAVE to show them these things!!! Right?
Take your perscribed pills, you can only get addicted to them when you are long term doses. So don't worry about that, get better and stronger 1st.
Whoopass by the way is an expression we use over here. It means "I am going too kick your butt!!!!" Take no prisoners kind of thing! It has been a pretty enlightening couple of days actually. My husband said too me last night, "Whats up with you?" He has noticed a change in me - I know that sounds daft in just 2 days - but it is. I have been friends with the 2 I stayed with for over 30 years, we went through EVERY emotion, every little embarrassment and secrets. No ONE gets us, we don't tell them our secrets, but we can tell each other. We talked about how I have them and several other old time friends that were in the exact same position as us. It is as though we have an invisible sign saying "We are victims, and we are probably going to vitims all of our lives, do you want too be my friend? Also if you are looking for a girlfriend or wife that will take all of your c**p I AM your girl!" It is almost a standard requirment, that if you hear a loud bang or someone shouting it will take your breath away and almost bring you too your knees! It is almost a standard requirement, that if you look in the mirror you will say the worst things possible too yourself" And I say NO MORE!!!
I talked too my eldest yesterday and said "You know what I said about if you ever hit your girlfriend or wife?" he was like "Yeah" I replied "I want too add that you BETTER NOT ever treat them like they are nothing, and you better not call them terrible names and make them feel bad about themselves!" he looked at me like this o.O and said "Why are you saying this now?" I said, "I just haven't covered ALL the bases of abuse, and I expect 0 abuse from you and your brother towards women and children!"
My eldest is 16 and my youngest is almost 14, I cannot believe I didn't say that too them before. As mothers of boys, we HAVE to say these things, as mothers of girls you HAVE to show them these things!!! Right?
Take your perscribed pills, you can only get addicted to them when you are long term doses. So don't worry about that, get better and stronger 1st.
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Hey bambi- you make me laugh about you rfriends of over 30 years!(Wow!).
I am thinking about ringing my solicitor and telling him that i think that he isnt bothereing his , ok ass about any of it!! (Obviously, I want be using those words)
partner let me lie in today ( bizarre) Took the girls to school. i was happy to let him. i mean after doing the scholl run for years and years and all of that , i cant see how 1 week of him helping chnges his situation.
I am also worrid. ex has dodgey blood results or something. I know hes done evil things to me, but the girls love him.
Just having these few hours of doing nothing is amazing. My foot is sore today...never realised that its actually got worse .I was at a podiatrist for yonks and they padded my foot up with stuff ( which in my opinion ) was absolutely useless. i dont know..I am thinking, perhaps we could just live together as friends and mummy and daddy and perhaps the solicitor could draw up some legal groundings for that ( doubt it) not sure thats what I want either-but having not been myself these last few weeks, and having neede him around, im more insecure about changing things. has he just managed to wind me round his little finger? Am I a reall big softie like everyone says, and If i go back it will inevitably get vicious again-is that right?
Im also thinking, maybe get into studying something, take your mind of things , so that I can do this later with a career so i dont have to live of benefits-BUT i DONT KNOW, I dont know if I can do any of these things. RIGHT NOW I fel extremley lazy!!
dada ok, in agony but ok 9 well, alive!)
I am thinking about ringing my solicitor and telling him that i think that he isnt bothereing his , ok ass about any of it!! (Obviously, I want be using those words)
partner let me lie in today ( bizarre) Took the girls to school. i was happy to let him. i mean after doing the scholl run for years and years and all of that , i cant see how 1 week of him helping chnges his situation.
I am also worrid. ex has dodgey blood results or something. I know hes done evil things to me, but the girls love him.
Just having these few hours of doing nothing is amazing. My foot is sore today...never realised that its actually got worse .I was at a podiatrist for yonks and they padded my foot up with stuff ( which in my opinion ) was absolutely useless. i dont know..I am thinking, perhaps we could just live together as friends and mummy and daddy and perhaps the solicitor could draw up some legal groundings for that ( doubt it) not sure thats what I want either-but having not been myself these last few weeks, and having neede him around, im more insecure about changing things. has he just managed to wind me round his little finger? Am I a reall big softie like everyone says, and If i go back it will inevitably get vicious again-is that right?
Im also thinking, maybe get into studying something, take your mind of things , so that I can do this later with a career so i dont have to live of benefits-BUT i DONT KNOW, I dont know if I can do any of these things. RIGHT NOW I fel extremley lazy!!
dada ok, in agony but ok 9 well, alive!)
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Hi Bambi , its me ( again and again!!! So sorry....ok.....my hoovers brokeen, not been feeling much like going out today so my partner did the school run and went to some school performance..I am really greatful that he did that. i just couldnt. I dont know what it is... i feel ok, calm.
Do you think he is being nice to me ( i hate that word nice) because Ive threatened him with an interdict?????? or is he changing???Or what is going on?????/Would I be making the wrong decision to think hed changed??????hes beeing really good and Ive neede him and now Iam backing down because I feel I need him forthe children sake...and also its less effort!!!!1
Sstupid isnt it....Its stupid...its as thoug Ive forgotten and I can forget.....but having said all that theres no way i could let him physically near me...or that I really truly TRUST him..The only way ..would be to stay together like flatmates....that just doesnt work either though..argh!!!!!Plese...remind me..of what he has done, remind me of the mental torture , the physical torture the sexual torture, the financil torture, the useage....remind me...dont let mebe a silly cow...but now I feel like I am being a sillly cow as he is being so well behaved, yet i know hes definately got a solicitor now, and yet I do expect it will state that he has rights to stay in this property and that blah blah blah...and argh!!!!!!
Not even rang my dad yet...how id he know I was on valium-i didnt tell him, and neither did my sister, hmmmmm so confused...cant find clothes and hoover has broken and hes going to fix it..and hes doing a night shift and I feel like a c**p parent..Id never do anything-not now. I d never commit suicicde...how could a child grow up and explain why mummy did that???That would be so so awful, so awful, itd be so selfish...there were times that .....almost lie a sudden overwhelming this is too painful to breathe feeling and crying and crying and wantin gtooo..and sitting on my front step so children couldnt see...butnot now, now I am calm , now I can cope with cleaning and doing the dishes. and going to take girls out for hair cuts.
Bambi....I dont know what to do. i am on drugs, drugs to make me feel normal...why cant i feeel like this .....without them?
Do you think he is being nice to me ( i hate that word nice) because Ive threatened him with an interdict?????? or is he changing???Or what is going on?????/Would I be making the wrong decision to think hed changed??????hes beeing really good and Ive neede him and now Iam backing down because I feel I need him forthe children sake...and also its less effort!!!!1
Sstupid isnt it....Its stupid...its as thoug Ive forgotten and I can forget.....but having said all that theres no way i could let him physically near me...or that I really truly TRUST him..The only way ..would be to stay together like flatmates....that just doesnt work either though..argh!!!!!Plese...remind me..of what he has done, remind me of the mental torture , the physical torture the sexual torture, the financil torture, the useage....remind me...dont let mebe a silly cow...but now I feel like I am being a sillly cow as he is being so well behaved, yet i know hes definately got a solicitor now, and yet I do expect it will state that he has rights to stay in this property and that blah blah blah...and argh!!!!!!
Not even rang my dad yet...how id he know I was on valium-i didnt tell him, and neither did my sister, hmmmmm so confused...cant find clothes and hoover has broken and hes going to fix it..and hes doing a night shift and I feel like a c**p parent..Id never do anything-not now. I d never commit suicicde...how could a child grow up and explain why mummy did that???That would be so so awful, so awful, itd be so selfish...there were times that .....almost lie a sudden overwhelming this is too painful to breathe feeling and crying and crying and wantin gtooo..and sitting on my front step so children couldnt see...butnot now, now I am calm , now I can cope with cleaning and doing the dishes. and going to take girls out for hair cuts.
Bambi....I dont know what to do. i am on drugs, drugs to make me feel normal...why cant i feeel like this .....without them?
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Hi Bambi-im not backing down. I guess I am oanicing!!!Theres no point going back-is there? I have to go forward....somehow..I feel rotten today ...fluid Im sure theres fluid in my ears..and really dizzy and nearly , or felt as if i were going to faint in the street...though, I must admit, Ive not got so bad Ive hyperventilated, which is amazing!!!
Right -going to try my solicitor again!
Right -going to try my solicitor again!
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Grr! I cant get my solicitor on the phone. Its just , my ex told me he had recieved a e-mail from his solicitor, Theres no sign of it. I know woman abuse men too and I am sttil questioning my own behaviour...i still thinkI am definately to blame (in some ways)I let it go on to long , and now this is dragging out and its just making me mentally sick...the longer it goes on , the more insecure and doubtful I am about the fututre...and i don thtink ill ever meet anyone ever again...not that id want to right now...but i dont think there will ever be nayone ever interested in me that wouldnt slap me down ...Im geting old and I was never that very good looking and growing love handles andeverything is falling south/north owe god-no sense of direction, so that will be downwards then...and ill always be on my own, ill never be able to trust again,and im getting severe deep wrinkles.
Something my ex sister in law said and it dug a bit deep...( I know she only menat it to jab me up the bum and behave myself) but it dug too deep. She said "Your not a child anymore"......I just thought you TOTAL hypocrit, just cause you hide things better than me....and it just mead me think...right that was silly..I do view her as a friend , but still...only my mother is allowed to talk to me shout at me like that....grrr!!!
Its is true to say I feel like I am acting my shoe size rather than my age...just a temporary few years to get over this
I took my daughter for a hair cut....it was funny...owe anyway....Id better gomy nose is got that vice thing going on...its like someone is crushing it in a vice.
Something my ex sister in law said and it dug a bit deep...( I know she only menat it to jab me up the bum and behave myself) but it dug too deep. She said "Your not a child anymore"......I just thought you TOTAL hypocrit, just cause you hide things better than me....and it just mead me think...right that was silly..I do view her as a friend , but still...only my mother is allowed to talk to me shout at me like that....grrr!!!
Its is true to say I feel like I am acting my shoe size rather than my age...just a temporary few years to get over this
I took my daughter for a hair cut....it was funny...owe anyway....Id better gomy nose is got that vice thing going on...its like someone is crushing it in a vice.
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