I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

neighbour found me cuddling a lampost...walked me to the bank , walked me to the chemsit, held my hand coming home. Thank god

Ive had 1 pill, and thinking about trying walking outside again o.O Nope-cant do it!!! Im going to go clean clean clean and then have a sleep ( If I can)Time seems to be going really fast. 8-|

Honestly, hes driving me :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) Why cant he just go????????????Cant get out this house, been doing housework ,,,and this diazepam stuff is making me sweat ...alot!!!!!!! Theres definately no going back and thats not even to say by typing that that I am thinking about it.Im not! Iam thinking I wish hed go so I can start again ..This is torture in itself..Definately not going out, unless my daughter takes me...Just so tired and odd pains...but ok

My daughter is singing to morrow in a special assembly , which means my mum is coming and to be truthful I amm not in a good mood with her

Seem to be tidying for hours and the place looks no different-it needs totally re-done!!! This is the thing-he has no standards none whatspoever, doesnt seem to care..I have some standards ...im not OCd ( I dont think)but really annoys me!!! Right, Im away to check emails.....he told me his solicitor would email him...I wish theyd hurry up ...How long does it take to type aletter? Ive just reread the one he got and actually for everything he did/I dont think its brutal enough!!!! Its war!!!!!

Ive got to go out....here goes.....report back in a few days hahahha!!!

Got to bottom of steps and ...everything moving..and me in a mes...argh!!!!! Okay, ill try sleep then and then try l;ater!!!Im so jealous of people that just walk :$ :'(

Ive had 2 pills, and now feeling it really bad, Shaked and still shaking, ...managed to get sopa powder form the shop around the corner, but went with daughter and she didnt really help..i atill paniced...thats nothing now compared to ...whats happening now..

Feeling tired probably as these things make you drowsy ( I dontknow ) but shaking cold, and twitchy and my stomach gone and my tst is all tight..I just want to cry as I feel like I am going to through up..also tingly like pins and needles sensation...Does diazepam make you do this? Why is it not working? I dont know..I do know thought that as a child I felt no ain from pre meds....yeah I to this day rember the conversation between nurses , when being taken to theatre. i kept sitting up and I was reallly afraid that Id not be sleeping duinr the procedure...Ive even rember the torture when they took my secuirty blanket away...Oh dear..what M i TO DO? I thought this would help!! Going back to bed..hope it doesnt happen again .Im scared

I know that this is the right deision for me.

Im zonked with these pills..maybe a good thing.

i cant desribe how Ifeel, and Bambi - iwould not be surprised , if youve given up on me.

i spoke to my mum, told her "too back off"Let me spend time with friends.it sint go down well, Iha dher puffing and sighing down my ear hole...I just do not want her to be judging me....and deep down I think ..after everything ( and as much as I love her)if this happens..that happens..just let it happen. i am fed up with her judging me...My mum IS lovely BUT AT THE SAME TIME so selective with memory..wel thats what I think..I am completely zonked, going to bed..all i ask , as a friend please do not give up on me, i PROMISE to get ME better, and I will.Just worried about what happpens tomorrow...

I'll NEVER give up on you!!!! I will just be your constant poll parrot telling you to go to the doctor. And ALL parents - ESPECIALLY disfunctional ones - have VERY selective memories. They DO actually remember it, but if you bring it up and it is embarrassing for them, they will swear up and down that they can't remember. It's there way of coping with the embarrassment. Does this sound familiar Katy?!!!!!! ;-) XD We are what we learn, so you have learnt to keep on going and protect everyone around you and not to be TOTALLY open about what is going on in your own life! BECAUSE - JUST like your mom - you are too embarrassed that you actually let it happen!!! Something too think about isn't it!!!? Also that is why you are angry with your mom, because you are mirroring her and you resent her for reminding you that you are becoming her!!!!?

You remember when you were a kid and your parents would say something, and you would say"I will NEVER say that too my kids!" Then one day WHAM you said it!! And you are like " OH MY GOD I've turned into my parents!!!" That is the same thing. Your mom took all the abuse and neglect from your dad and you resented her for staying and putting you and your sister through it. So NOW when she tells you too stay or it's no big deal you look at her like "WHO ARE YOU?!" It's not her fault, dollars too doughnuts that her mother was exactly the same.

Diazepam can make you sleepy and lethargic, but I think you need to be checked out more fully. It is obvious it is not working for your anxiety, so you need a differrent med.

Also because you have NO control outside you are trying to get control inside. Thus the cleaning and trying to make everything look better. That's is TOTALLY normal, you need to be able to control something about your life. I hope you get too go to the concert. And if you actually followed my bloody advice for once!!!! ;-) XD The doctor might be able to give you something so you can start getting out and not become INTIMATE with lamp posts!!!!! ;-) o.O Even though sometimes I totally understand the attraction - Tall, strong, there when you need them and above all SILENT!!!!! XD XD XD ;-)

I was fine walking to school with each child in each hand. Made it there, and mad it to the concert. Stomach is permanently in washing machine (speed1200) cycle at the moment , but okay.. Concert was amazing. My sdaughter had the main part-an alien of all things...she was amzing. Confident and just really good, She you can see she has a lovely way about her, just by watching...Knowing what I know about her life so far, and knowing what I know about this situation...I looked at my mum and boy did I have to blink back the tears...Alex was fantrastic..a reall trooper..You would never have caught me doing that.

Anyway, mum took me out ...went shopping and had a coffee together...A new mum with a newborn sat down at the table next to us...and it just made me bubble...I dont know why but maybe as that time was the beat time, and that time I could protect my living child.( I dont know).....I was fine walking at the side of my mum ...had the odd panic...and would shout "mum!" shed come back for me and helop....She then tested me.....I was to take my mobile and go to the shop on my own. I managed to get to the end of our street,,,,and across a small road...Then huge open space and mager panic...held onto the wall of some takeaway place...phoned mum...but was laughing...as it all seems so ridiculous.."Mum i cant do it , I cant cross the road-she said, "do it while I am on the phine" ( I watched the green man change 3 xs...my legs had gone all stiff and mum laughhjed when I stated that I was walking like a lady that has wet herself. Anyway, I couldnt fdo it. Mum came out and got me and helped me out ...then took me for a walk to the park and to tesy big open spaces....porblem is , I felt safe while she was there...so it is as though it doesnt exist.

Im going to try again ...now, and see what happensd...If I keep trying and keep adding onto it then maybe it will get easier..Its just ridiculous.

Mum was saying that maybe valium would do me no good, as when she expected me, the doctors hwad written me off, and doped my mum up with a concoction of drugs....huh , then I apparently came out screaming and crying ( Like how dare you lot, I am alive!!!!!)

I have found some lamposts a little wobbily, and hung onto pieces of concrete that are loose and its made me go "sh*t: its going to fall on my toes!!! o.O Still , lamposts are my hero at the moment. Right, going to try and go out on my own ,.If I have a panic, ill try and let it pass then continue..I mean a panic attack cant kill you ...its just panic...nothing real is wriong..and I want fall..Please god....let me be ok. Thanks again Ba,bi, ( god only knows how I will get to my gps tomorow-mission impossibe!!!!!

Stillshaking. Home-dontknow felt ok going to shop, evn manged to get their without one lampost or anyones help-then coming hom OMG-Nightamre.

I had to ask a ladt to help me across the road. Thought that once that was over, id be okay, walked up the stret , round the corne.Got to a tiny road, and there I was holding onto a lampost, shaking my legs and saying to myself that I ws fine. I was saying comeone Katy stop it this is just silly nonsense, clung onto a bush -still couldnt cross the road, went back to the lampost tried to calm myself, but could not let go..then leant on the bloody thing and got oil all oever my clothing, swore then started to cry..45 minutes later (not sure but its been some time....phew , luckily a firend who has been through much the same saw mw , and helped me home. Will it ever go away??? This morning, I felt good, I felt realy relaxed and brill-thought I was , that this stuff would help me by, but as soon as I am on my own , out and about , it just grabs a hold of me......

I know partner has receiver info from his solicitor -so now know my letter must be arriving soon ......I was so anxious I wnted to open his mail myself Prepare myself for the nasty b****r, but could I do that? No!!!!

Ok, going for a lie down, This is ridiculous.

You know it sounds good too hear you getting ticked off about your situation. So many of us can just give ourselves up too it, just keep fighting it and telling yourself that you are stronger than IT!!

Also steam works too open the letter!!!! XD ;-)

Hi Bambi, Im feeling hacked off-not been able to eat a single mouthful today, it want go down..Im hacked of, as he is acting like he has always acted and he knows its really winding me up! I cant handle that-alone! nevermind anything else that hes done , that i cant deal with, or any of it..Grr!!!

Ill probably receive that letter tomorrow-saying to myself, I dont give a damn , I remebr how vicious my mum and dads divorce was-so expecting extreme twisted reply.

My mum lost her mum at an early age. She was only 8 years old, her mum was killed in a motorbike acident. The family that had taken her out ( her mum) well they were trying to give her a break from my grandads family, who were hard people to be around,....she also suffered really badly from arthris-she died at age 47. The family that were taking her out have remained really close to all of us. Its strange..well that family ,those other children lost their dad that same weekend-so its a no wonder my mum is the way she is. She is lovely and does mean the best, but sometimes I get really upset with her..and yes many a time ive said"sh*t-I thought Id never ever say that to my children -then looked in the mirror and thought yip, you are a replica!!!

I am dreading tomorrow, dreading this all over again..Its been a month of constant attacks, and I know sometimes Ive not helped myself-but I am trying now, and they are still happening, and to be honest I cant understand why one minute I am fine and the next all straange and swaying allover the place.

If I can find that leetter( he he) yeah ,,illl be a (neb (as they say where I come from. I just wonder too if he has another woman awaiting him -I cant stop questioning why the sudden change of heart, even though hes hanging around. he doesnt seem bothered how he treats me or for that matter, question how it effects the children - so thinking that he must have something up his sleeve, but hey I could just be being paranoid!!!

I can call anyone a pig too a dog, when there has been emotional, physical, mental abuse in a relationship. But when one partner is SO unhappy, you have too think that it's not a bunch of roses for the other one too. If you are unhappy, he is bound too, and after a LONG time of doing tit for tat, it is also bound too wear on him too. And really Katy, who the hell cares if he has another woman! Let her deal with it.

The back and forth with you IS caused by an imbalance, I have talked too many men and women on here about the exact same thing. So don't beat yourself up about it. It happens too the strongest of us. Just accept that there IS a problem with your system - don't think of it as mental - think of it as your body is out of whack. Then get the help you need to fix the wonky bits. It really is that EASY! You just have to come too grips with it that's all. You have overcome far worse things right? Let him do what he is going too do, just take care of you and then you can help your kids and the whol situation. Don't think you are being mean or selfish, you HAVE too be selfish too make yourself better right?

Hi Bambi...Just made it to the docotors. Got the kids to school , a friend to get me to the bus stop ....the more I manage the better I am getting..I am feeling a bit happier as although I asked many people to help me ( which is quite brave , considering prior events in ly life) , to get help crossing the road...the more I did it with other people the better I am getting....now just neeed to go to chemist and get pills.

You are right. i am going to be selfish...its so difficult though..Children came in to my room sining Happy birthday and gave me 2 lovely home made card, and a cup that Becaa had painted on ,,,all love hearts and says"i love you mummy" So nice , that they did tht on their own accord...so proud of them.

I didnt mention about this place-think Ill manage ..i think I could even sto pwith the drinking..I almost just cant be bothered with it...I felt abit insulted when my doctor asked "Do you drink during the day" I am not that bad o.O I admit , yes I drink , but okay I know a bottle of wine in an evening is a heck of a lot-but I know that and try and tame me...Also I got so bad at one satge years ago...that I had no choice but to completely stop..I dont feel like this relatinship break up is tit for tat( considering the past,I guess that why I get so so sosososososososo effing angry!!! I could /should have just got him arrested) I hate him and I hate what hes done to me, and in effect what he sdoing to my girlss..I hate him really hate him.Ive bnever hated anyone in my life ( not like this ) Its not really a very nice thing to say about your childrens father...but even when i look back this pig downright just took advantage....when I look back I was vulnerable and he took advantage hes nearly 9 yrs older ..and he has no motivation, yet has an Ma, he is mean, yet probably has bags of money stashed away...he is violent and repulsive and sorry to go on but its better than swinging for him.......I think if he doesnt move.Im going to have to..I cant live with someone I hate somuuch!!!!!

Doing better today. tried to get to chemist but could not face crossing the big road.Practice crossing we road, helped with headphones on ...i just dont understand why i am doing this?It ilogical,

I know it sounds silly but got really annoyed, I guess at everything-how dare anything or anyone make anyone feel like this. Ive said it before- i understand why mostl;y men lash out-testorine and anger cant be an easy mix, not just that but - thats the whole cause of my anger/anxiety what ever youd like to call it...I feel stupid , i feel like there is no end to this..beforeI was a nervos reck in the house, now I am basicaaly both-so not made it to the chenist to get pills.

Im back at work on Monday, I cant see how I am going to manage it..to be honest I feel like such a freak that i dont wnat to be nice all the time to people I am too angry today.

The mail has been -no letter.This is what I think -knowing what I know about him, he will stay put her..Thats exactly what hes going to do...ok, my children, they dont want to move...but I think now , thst what i will have to do..the whole thing , I hate to say is driving me mental...Ill never forget or forgive what this human being has done..I dont care what he syays, This is why i dont really want my gp or anyone else for that matter, I cant be bothered with people asking me and trying to find out evidence...Now theres not really any evidence of anything he has done..My own fault I know but , youd think hed feeel perhaps a little guilty and do something about this. my point is, is hes never got of his back side. Its really always down to me, and oh so fed up.. Confined to this room, conmnfined to this house...but I dont even lfeel safe here either..i mean I am constantly nervy and it feels , its a never enedingbattle...and its no wonder I get so bad I dont get out my bed ..Though I dont want to do that and I do fight abit about how I feel .This is so awfulIts been 4 weeks now, 4 weeks..I would have felt beter being behond bars.

I also wish something had shown up in my blood tests, as I do feel sick with fighting this, but I am not sick and truthfully i dont want to be sick!!! I hate thisits just mad!!!Also when I go off on one of my moments..I truly believe there is something underlying it, more than purely me abusing alcohol.