I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Bambi-I cant eat!!! Alex my daughter, shes got some bug and she not a moaner...shes got a really sore neck and a sore throat and her wee eyes are all glazed/panicing, isit swine flu?

Icant eat..I want something...make it..and then just ditch it..

Too scared to go out today-i have to eventually as i am back at work tomorrow, and I have to go back..i dont want to go down that road of feeling so bad then getting signed off but-at the same time I am not sure people will understand and I worry people will look at me like- o.O :$ :Is she on drugs?"Or like the last time...."Can I have some of what shes having?'............this is an old joke-but whne i was first given this stuff...and where I come from...my sister said "what you gonna do with those pills-sell them in a night clu....take them down the street...and seel them thaen you can afford to move!!" Ok, I would never ever do anything like that, but it made me laugh Ill dope alex up with calpol and then we can go out...Going to put a washing awy firsy /get their school stuff organised and then go out.......Thinking, perhaps I could stomach soup....hmm I dont know...I forgot this bit.

Okay, ill go out later , test whats going on...

So wound up ( but hey that where he wants me) so wound up but thinking...I might just lie about where i got those black eyes ( Dont evenknow if it would be a lie anyway) but as he thinks its fine for my little girls to see mummy so upset , as he thinks its fine to ccarry on and like I saud to him"If you were any kind of a decent man -you would just leave"...Do you know what he said bambi...."You didnt meet a decent man you met me"....Then and this is weird.......I thought my mum had bought the birthday cake for me and the girls.....Ive just found out that it was him.........I dont want to go back...I dont want to try an dpatch things up as he will never change...he will always manipulate.....and it makes me feel guilty as i know its damaging for the childeren...but he will always have the upper hand if he stays here, and besides that it would be far to scary for him to carry on living like students here......I am doing the right thing I am

Just got of the phone...I dont know whats happening as I am going to throw up....cant keep it in any longer1

Bamvi, dear bambi-its got worse....Ive taken my citalopram and took 1 2mgs of diazepam...went to the shops with girls at either side. got thereok...( a bit shaky)...then coming home and small road and I have no idea why ......ihad the girls with me , my poor girls, I started to shake, legs ceized, thought I was going to colapse..then hyperventilated again...but the girls were with me. Luckily I met a mum I know and she helped me across the road...then managed round the corner and then polish guy who hadnt a clue what I was on about helped me across the road.

Ive got work tomorow-and I cant see how I am going to do it, let alone get there. What is it that causing these .??.The couple with a baby were about to ring for an ambulance...thank god they never. It truly is a nightmare!!!!

My daughter is complaining of earache, feeling wobbily and just unwell. Doped her up with calpol. My mum is complaining to of the same symptoms.I definately think that this has started from some sort of inner ear thing, regardless of what anyone has said, but I know now i dont have it. My earache has gone and I do know now that it is anxiety-but its worse than ever, Now I am worried as she is to ill to go to school and I cant see me doing the school run with the little one-nevermind working..i am scared I will loose my job! this is a nightmare!

Hi hon: I am going out of town for 2 days, but in the mean time I want you to phone the docotor and if it happens when you are out and someone wants too call the ambulance - LET THEM!!! You need to get help, you are hitting a low point again, because of the nervousness of going too work. You will have to call in sick, So please hon! Take it too the professionals, If you don't get proffessional help, you might loose your job and other things, if you ahve the professionals behind you then you wont. It is called the British Health Act. Someone can't fire you for having a mental illness. Obviously Clonazepam and Diasopam is NOT enough for you - even though both can take up too 4 weeks too work. You need something better and HELP!!! So I will log on in 2 days, Just keep writing here, and PLEASE get some help from even and ambulance. OK? Good luck hon, lots of hugs!!!

Last night took my emergency 5mg of diazepam-feeling relaxed, though still got really nervous about rining in sick. There s no way I could even have done the school run ( not like this). my daughter is still ill, but looking a bit better, so we are both off today, I hate phoning in sick , its one of my worst dreads....its like, whats up???Are you skiving, thing? I mean I get that and for me, I dont sound sicj so it must be really difficult for someone who has not experienced any of this to understand

Also, I am so confused by my partner behaviour ( its as though its fallen on death ears, hes acting as though everything isnormal ) and that this is fine...Its driiving me insane...its another sense of torture....He knows my worries, financial worried and how the hellI am going to cope , and had a really weird dream , hed moved out and the place looked empty, i felt empty but relieved...Im so confused by all of it!!!

Today, I only have to go out to collect the little one, and i will go out with my other daughter to do it,Hopefully i ll be allright. I dont like this though-I mean diazepam -is it not a heavy duty drug, and its not getting through to mean, then how far gone am I?

Had shower , and started to rench , then rench , then I was sick, Feeling really sick!!

Still feeling sick...didnt know which end to place on the lou -owe , yuck!!!This is the last thing I need!

Still feeling queasy-and a bit weak after this morning, but managed a bit pf toast and dragged my daughter out-to collect other daughter. I was a bit wobbily-but must admit much better. No massive panic attacks-thoughts were happeneing , but Just kept walking through that leg stiffens and walk like I dont know, but just keep goingg.

That was on my emergency stash though..so worried,,,,

Oh dear! Ive been up since 430am. Tired but dont think I am so anxious. The thing is, my solicitor rang, wondering if the case should still be open. I was a bit taken by surprise o.O but right enogh, Ive not been right for a while. Rang him back in a panic-told him what was going on, dont know if it relevant or not.

Thinking with a clearer head, and wondering if I will ever be happy. I mean i am calm and a much better person , especially around the girls just now. but thinking, how can i do this-if this is the state I am in over this-how am I going to cope on my mwn?

This is the thing, do you think my solicitor understands that this is pat of his torment? My guess is yes;but worried that he to thinks I am crying wolf.I mean if he want go, then i will have to, Plain and simple;its just I nee to be stronger and that will upset the children more. Great huh ( but it is the kind of person he is)

I know deep down, and remeber the old me, thinking about the times at home I was relaxed and not on edge-I dont think I can actually remeber feeling relaxed with this guy....ok, actually no for the first fewmonths-maybe!! But its been 11 years..and I mean if Ive gone and got agrophobic , regardless of what drugs Ive taken..then it will only be time before I get worse , living with him....There just does not seem to be an escape. No escape!!!

Ive not been out yet, trying to get some sleeep, but cant switch off. I even sometimes think, hes not that bad, and maybe it is me...its my crazy head, and maybe the doctors think so toand maybe I am ...Its such a vicious circle. I am also thinkng about how I actually want something found wrong with me phyysically to explain away my anxiety ,;yetwouldnt want to be physically il at all.

Either way...however you look on it......with me being this way , right now, its been a nother form of torment for me...(ie) I got up, got the girls ready for school, was ready to take them thee, Then partner ( ex) got up and decides to take them instead"Mummy , daddy is takin gus" As Ive been up since 430am, or trying to sleep , I let him....what I am trying to say is, my health is a result of my make up but also as a result of the mistake of us meeting. I think I dbe much better without him, but right now, thats hard to see......Oh I dont know if that makes any senseThis is hard!

I joined the Womans aid group via facebook account.......and just received an email about how "domestic abuse does not only effect the individual but the social welfare of other family mebers, the socail , moral and economic decline in the workplace...and blah blah blah dee bloody blah...Made me feel worse...thandks very much email-then I ead further andIts an old dr that taught me2 yrs of economics thats speaking in the conference...Im thinking ...oh well more bad luck....probably wouldnt recognise me and Ive had a bad accident with hair dye.....not gone out yet..and not tried eating...in fact been in bed for most of today

I wanted to get to the bank-pay some money in. Made it to the end of the street, legs started to go like jelly was doing okay..then the further away from my flat I got the more my legs went like jelly, and I could feel myself go off on one..i didnt even make it-i had to come home, and now I am in a panic..ive got to go back to work tomorrow and i cant even leave my street!!! Its so depressing!!

My cat is starving and I need to get to the shop to get cat food. So, I try...get to the shop to discover I have no money in my mpurse so try to get to a bank, but bank is across a big massive huge road...that I cant cross. I listened to Golden Brown trying to cross.that silly foot thing leaving the kirb and I could feel my heart rate race, so i turned round and came home. Sick of this..so now going to try again!!!This is ridiculaous on citalopram and diazepam andd still cant do it!!!

Okay....made it to one cash machine..."sorry out of service" :-( :-( :-( Panic!!!!!! Then decide.NO! Enough is enough...walk along big open pavement , but place me near shops.....cross small road...everytime I take that first step into an open are my heart goes in my mouth...but then , ( maybe its the drugs) i hear my mums voice and that ladies voice that helped me the other day "Come on you can do it" an dalmost like a laugh thing...it does semem absolutely mental ..I mean mad...anyway,so made it to bigger road and feeling like I am going to nip this in the bud before too long...Okay I did pure panic ....as soonn as I step onto the road my body stops...so now i think right....the middle of a road is not agood place to seize up ...you have to keep going..and yes...It was incredibly scarry but I did it...alone on valiun and what have you ...but its a start -isnt it? Even remebered the cat food! XD