I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

When we are depressed we do counter productive things! Such as eating, drinking, spending money we don't have etc. I GUARANTEE you Katy IF you are TOTALLY truthful with your doctor - finally - he will have ZERO problem with writing you a letter of recommending that for your emotional, mental, physical well being you need to have a home ASAP! He knows you are in a bad way, he just needs your permission of the TRUTH to be finally able to truly help you!

Of course you are not the abuser, but he has been crafty about documenting it with his doctor and his lawyer and now the police! So you have to do this and come clean with everyone. This is NOT your fault! This is HIS problem, and you have to put the entire problem squarely and firmly back in his lap! The longer you stay there with him actually helps his case out more - as in 'IF I was that bad and abused her, why would she keep staying here, and why did I have to call the police on her?!!!!!!!!" Think about how his case looks to others!

I think if you were to tell the doctor the TOTAL truth about what you are experiencing - physically (the stuffiness, diareha, vomitting nausea) he can get you fixed with that! THEN you will feel better and thus stronger to handle the rest! You HAVE to inform him about everything! Write it down!

Hi dawn-Im realy sinussie today, and itchy eyes and bloated stomach and sore everything.

I slept in this morning ,a nd after writing a couple of crappie words for my essay last night I felt like I deserved a drink as a reward, but bloody hell, i just cant he;lp myself. So I think I might phone my drinks nurse and speak to her ( if I can find the number) as this is no good..

He came home last night after his shift at work, and was odwnlaoded with booze so I joined in again and it gave me confidence to ask him what he was up to? Stupid really, as I wouldnt trust it anyway, so ok, then went to bed. \im so pmted I want to smash bricks through windows.

Ok< i rang the drinks nurse, .She was patient and kind, but I cant help but feel its a total carrot and stick approach, and the only way Ill be able to behave is by the use of the stick. She managed to get me an appointment with one of the doctors to precribe antabuse. Im thinking, Ill just have to -as I cant behave otherwise-and its not fair on my girls. I know this is going to be hard, but it has to be done.

Right, so now im thinking- how the hell am I going to get through. ( I could stuff a pillow up my jumper and pretend im expecting again how is it I could quit when expecting, but not now?

Im ripping my hair out over this stupid essay, I eally like the subject, but its massive and I cant find the simple things to define things to get started. I know what it means but others dont . Grrrr!!

I totaly feel like this -Ive got so much to do steam is roaoring out my ears, but thats all thats blowing-total hot air! Thankfully its only out my ears. anyway better get on-hope your al right. I stupidly bought becca a recorder and argh-its driving me insane-and talking about depressed people buying things, I bought myself another flute as mine was all bent, and I can hardly play this new one...Anyway..Im trying to define what is meant by psychosocial and what is a risk model , and tools of assessment and I havent actually been very focused. I gave my mum the first paragraph to read and she went o.O what is comorbidty and blah blah blah "its over my head" Its over mine as well. I thought Id base it on me ( he he) as you write best about what you know . Oh boy hope they dont find out who I am here. I just wish someone could write it for me, I am carap !

God - Dawn- I want to phone insick tomorrowThe thing is, and ive been looking and scrutinisinng alcoholism - and for me I think I am a more patient open down to earth person -when Ive had a drink. It takes the edge away. I know from my degree course that I go from extrems t obeing exceptionally good, to exceptionally sh*t. Usually , if i am exceptionally shooit, is because I am anxious to get to the meaing and what I have tosay. My head has been banging-my mum ( and I love her to bits-if i didnt - i would never haebv held her hand when grandad was dying-yet granda was a parent to me-moreso than youd know. ill never forget. i got really down when he was given 6 months to live....he lived for a year longer-he loved life, even though hed burried his wife and daughter.

When I met him and blah blah-I rmeber arguing - "look , i cant they dont know me and i dont want to have a front door tha ti feeel suffocated by" Weel at this time Nikki, my sister was raped horiibly by many men-I know cause sshe would not lie , and I knoe becuas e it hurt her to speak and move on. I helped her in away, I helped her accept that these dudes that they thought they were were complete ignorant bastads and that, if your goona get drunk -dont leave the home. She doesnt dwell on it and shes manged to mak egood of herself, im really proud of her. Why cant i be more like her?

anyway, im muddling thorgh , ive still another 3000 word essay to write but ive made a start-Ive forgotten about atandards though and the significance of empirical research-does my litttle peanut brain no justice. Im wondering if i ocud defer-im not stuoid , but im not a walking cever perosn eitherAnyway I need a pee so going now-glad ive spoken o you and even if i try the alcohol thing on anatabuse-ill let you know. What if i ty it and it makes me really ill aganinPsychotiv or even I dont know I wish I was anorexic to be understood fully. I have far more sympathy for th eating disorder than for the alcoholic , i really do thin that

When I was addicted to Oxycocet, I actually thought I handled and dealt with everything better! EVERY addict out there, thinks they do better doing what they are addicted too - that IS addiction! You refuse to believe you are an alcoholic because you feel better while you are pissed!!!! So what does that say? It's called denial and also liquid courage! It enables you to say whatever you want, and really have no consequences for it! "Oh sorry I can't remember saying that because I was drunk!" "I can't remember hitting you because I was drunk, or stoned, etc. etc. etc." It's just denial and excuses, you ARE an ALCOHOLIC!! You just don't want to stop, because you think that everyone is making you! So you haven't hit rock bottom yet! My worry is where will you be when you do?! Without the kids? In Jail - for attacking him? Being arrested for being drunk and disorderly? THEN you will have to! Also what about taking drugs that when you are drinking can actually make you go into cardiac arrest and you end up taken to the hospital for mixing the drugs with booze? But I and others have told you, that you are an alcoholic, you just don't want to hear it! Like I said to my doctor "I can't be addicted to drugs, because I feel better on them!!!" o.O Now that might make sense to you - with the denial you are going through, but that does NOT make sense to a person without addiction! So you are saying the same thing - "I can function and say things I want to, and feel calmer when I'm drunk" No difference! You have to embrace you have a problem, because sooner than later you will be forced with that fact!!

What made me get help is I knew my husband would take my kids! And I was about to loose my girlfriends over it too! So I HAD to change, I didn't want to - because it was easier to be stoned out of my mind and deal with the sh*t going on in my life, then it was being sober and dealing with it! The thing is the sh*t is STILL there when you are sober, you just have to be drunk or stoned all the time to deal with it, because your brain can't handle the stress by itself! You are an addict Katy - and who knows if you are having a reaction (sinus's, rash, swelling etc) because of the pills or the booze! I have given you several links to show different allergies, including the wine one, but you refuse to believe that, and ask for an allergy test! Because you don't want to be told that you are indeed allergic to wine! You would rather suffer with ALL your ailments then get sober! So like I said you have to wait till you hit rock bottom or are made by a court of law! All it takes is for you to loose it one more time while you are drunk, and if he calls the police on you again, you could loose everything! The reason why you drink is to escape HIM and your life at present! And this is what I have said all along, "escape THIS now!!! by moving out!" Then you wont have the stresses you do now, which will help you not drink as much and really cut down, to a tolerable level! It's your call Katy - it is only YOU that can decide wether or not you are finally going to improve your life or stay in this hole! After calling Wolf - as in going to the doctors and saying nothing of great importance, or phoning the drinks nurse - but not following her treatments, calling housing but not following through with applications etc. Then eventually none of these people will be there to help you, because there is another person out there who is desperate for help and WILL do what they say! Time and resources are limited to people that are requesting REAL help, not waiting to see if it fits in with their feelings for the day!

You have to get off this round about, and make a plan of what you are going to do! I really don't think this course is right for you right now!! You have such physical and mental reactions to EVERYTHING! How in hells name cane you be well enough to pull this off? If you get a medical excuse then you can get out of the course and not be penalized for it, and then start up when things are better. It is YOU who should be in charge of your life, not him, not your mom, not a professor etc. just YOU! And if you want to stay with this guy, then do it! If you want to leave him then DO IT!! No more in the middle - you CAN'T do that!! It is killing you!! You are so overwhelmed right now, I want you to decide once and for all where you want to be!

Like I stated earlier, it has now been six months and nothing - except your health - has changed! And I guarantee you it wont in the next 6 months, the next year, the next 10 years. IF you don't take control! I guarantee you that If I logged off this site for good right now and then logged in next November, you will still be talking about all this! Because it is easier to complain and self destruct then it is to do something about it! Why would anyone of sound mind, want to put themselves through such a hard transformation - right?! It can only be done and worked on when that transformation is the only thing that is going to save our lives. Such as leaving an abuser!

All I know is what I know Katy! And what I know is this - Abusers (of ANY kind), will abuse as long as the abusee lets them get away with it! They will NEVER change - because why do they have to?! He will be the same prick next year that he has been for all these years, the thing is when you come to a crossroads when you have the opportunity to leave - once and for all - and you decide to stick around and keep on taking it, they loose any morsal of respect - that they might still have for you! And know that you WILL take anything and they WILL give it to you in spades! It's like you are telling them, "Yes I know I'm not worth being treated like a human being, and you need to treat me as badly as I feel I need to be treated!" I watched this show last night "Canada's Worst Driver" There was this guys on there who is a TOTAL A-hole!! He would scream at his commonlaw wife, and she would flinch, he would clench his teeth while talking to her, and calling her a retard etc. So the host of the show actually took him off camera, and all of the professionals on the show actually questioned him about his volitile behaviour against his wife, he cried and said "he couldn't believe how badly he treated his wife" Which is bull c**p, he knew what he was doing, he was mad at her for taking it! So I think they put him on warning, plus there it was for all of Canada to see that he was an abuser! So there was no way he could still keep playing the good guy to his friends and neighbours! And I thought about you!

We - as women - want to show this united front to the world, and when we have had abuse we will lash out at public moments! So people look at us, like "What is HER problem, he is such a nice guy!" This is our way of crying out for help! Men - actually any abuser - are crafty when it comes to when and where they abuse! It's behind closed doors, and underneath long sleeved shirts. It's only when it becomes public knowledge that they will atone! But definitely not before then! So what will be his moment of clarity Katy? When he has put you in hospital or worse? Or are you going to allow him to look like the victim to everyone around you and the most important the authorities!? Your call and your decision!

Hi Dawn. Lokk-I KNOW i AM AN ADDICT! Ive read that last message over a few times.

Your right about allergies. Somethings up-ive been scratching all day, and then by 1pm, I felt like I couldnt breathe, then felt I was going to be sick, I was still at work...I got out of work and nearly fell down some stairs. Couldnt breathe started the usual, shaking and gasping for air, and then wobbled for a new set of Iphones. Then it got worse. sat down, couldnt get my balance. Looked aropound then cried for scotland, ..calmed, then got on the bus, The same thing happened again...Got off th ebus and ran home as I thought I was going to be sick... Got home wheezed or watever it is I do, then 1 hoour 10 minutes later, calmed and eating my lunch. I now want to go to bed.. Dont want to go outside at all, but have too as Ive the girls to get from school.

Im wondering if my sinuses is all related to the foods I eat. I hadnt eaten anything today, my stomach is swollen as my jams are due, and sore side, andlll itcchy, and I think there must be a relation to sinus trouble and bowel movements-could there be?

One question-why would I want to be with him?

swecond question-why does he have to make everything so hard?

Tomorrow I see the drinks nursse and doctorto get me on antabuse. Oh that means ill have to be good over christmas. Well, ill just have to be good.

Its strange. My children went off to a friends-I didnt realise it-but I went to get a book and some stuff to read. Insteda of reading them I fell asleep.Ive been sleeping since I coleected them , and its noy like me just to nod off-usually I let everything thump around my head until I dont get any sleep-weird!

Im beginning to wonder if your right about the course too-but Im getting so old not to do anything

Hi dawn- how you doing?

Im trying to think on the postives-but I cant see them!

Ive been trying to think how lovely and how blessed I am to have 2 such lovely girls. That Im not so bad.Ok, Im managing to hold down a little part time job-that Im trying to better myself by doing this Msc. ( but then this big fear hits me-what if I manage it and then still cannot get a job in that field?)

Ive been panic scanning some stuff and then so paniced my notes are everywhere. Ive to pay the tuition fees for this course as well and its an added wtf am I doing? In away, and I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous-my course is helping me-but I drather be the other person helping the other in need ( if you know what I mean) I dont like my make up I dont like the fact If eel the need to drink ( and always have done) regardless of the extenuating factors. I dont like how I need, or rather feel the need to drink to help me think positive in the short term ( to gain confidence and remeber -I can do this!). No one has ever said that to me-no one! Its always been -do you understand? It gets my back up as I do understand , and I take in more than people think I do. But I think Ive always looked dim, and people assume im stupid. Then of course the added, shes stinking of alcohol balh blah blah ( so she is stupid) makes me boil inside. Then theres the outside the controllers. i didnt answer the phone tonighta as I knew it was my sister and if you answer the phone to her you have to listen to everything that going on in her life. Im sorry to sound like such a b***h-but I cant do this if I am going to be cold stoney- I cant! I cant listen to any of them. then I feeel really guilty-she rang three times-I just let it ring, then she facebooked me with what I would term as harassment! its like my mum , its like my sister-they are only in your zone when they want to be, and when they say nod , youve to ayutomatically nod back. i love them but I cant sort my life out until I get some piece and then I panic as i know in an instance something awful could happen. In a blink, something bad could happpen to any of them and then I am overcome with guilt.

But then I think, no! When things got really bad for me-no one really helped ! I was judged for F@@@@@ up and I was seen as the creator of my own mess.

On the other side though, Ive got friend that actuallly understand and want me now to get the required help and to be the person I desire to be, but in doing so , I loose friendship with my sister-she want understand my pathway. Im am terrrified of taking antabuse-terrifed. I want even be able to eat christmas pudding or even have a little break, and in the meantime god knows what you knkow who will be conspiring.

When i got home today i did myself no favours, I was in a panic, and couldnt breathe proplerly and running to the lou thinking I was going to be sick. first he ignored me, but when I couldnt calm down , he asked what was wrong, by the time he asked what was wrong I was crying as I wish I could just describe whats wrong-but I cant-not when its happening, and I try and take deep breaths in , but when your nose is totally dysfunctional and your breathing through your mouth and spitting cause you think your going to throw-you cant stop it happening, and then theres the physiological thing, and then my anger, my anger at what Ive let people do to me, and then even the term "vicitim" I dont feel so defenseless that Im a victim-im not a victim-ive life choices. Then the guilt , my children , there welfare-all of it is just making me feel sick! I want to be honestly lock ed away until I can see things in a better light.

But then who would tuck my children in at night, make them their packed lunched, picjk them up from school , cuddle and kiss them like I do? Then Id feel even more guilty

Ive come across the three models of personality asssociated to alcoholism, then followed byt he 5 modles, the thing is I overlap all of them. so there isnt a reall method in this-is there? Ive a cross culturla thing on alcoholism and then ive the info from bottling it up and turning point to fil my essay out-but to be honest Im now finding it ywawnful boring.

My main point is that as an alcoholic, you dont see it as a bad parenting thing-you see it as "i can buy it from the shop, so therefor its ok"Its not like im snorting cocaine or injecting in my arms, and having total black outs-but the truth is , is its just as damaging, its worse actually because you can just buy it-its a drug just like any other. but then even though my mu m doesnt fdrink -she takes loads of medicatin daily. Something I usually try to avoid to give my liver and kidneys a break! Then there is the people that have said"dont do that" Go get rescue remdy and stop your habits-go to napiers and speak to them, and so n theres that, but then I think ill ust find something else to cause me grief-its like I dot deserve to be like everyone else, its as though I well actually, I nknow ive alwasy had an inferiority complex, I put myself down _ i dont mean to be rewarde with reassurance, I expect people to believe me, but hemn I get annoyed and think no! Your just the same as everyone else- i fin dthat bloody hard to believe.

its funny -at onpoint in my life I used to be totally extrovert ( ell, when mum and dad were idvocing, I didi everything to make things seem funny away from the nome) but I was also extremly clumsy , so id swing from being totally hyper and doing daft things, to totally quiet and inclosed. For instnce, I remeber this well, I feell down a hill and got my brand new coat mankie on the bum. it looked like id ...well you know what, I remeber going to my biology teacher in teears and saying: this alwasy happen to me, theres no such thing as a perfect day" and to you im just like my sister, rambling about myself

Im really not sure about going on antabuse, but I guess i have to and when the nurse said we will put you on it for three months, my brain went 3 months -thats a trimester, that s nothing I can do that-but in this present climate, im wondering if I can do it now, or if again i should wait till im ouut. Like ivwe said, the reason I am waiting is so that whatever we get offered from housing, it want be as bad as a room with a lock. then i think maybe I analyse the things in theri life ( my kids life) wihout actually thinking what they are really thining about) I heard them discussing christmas and that mummy and daddy may break up during this time. but weve all ready broken up- I just dont know what goes through his head. Also I think once for instnce hes cut me of financially and so far ive been better of financially then before, yet if he were to leave id be even more better as hed have to help with the childrens costs. But he doesnt, instead he seems to think i owe him.

Okay, im sleepy now, im going to go. Im going to try and concentrate on my essay, ( god Ive anothe 2 to do after this one) I cant handle the anxiousness.Before , in my degree, I used to leave it till the night before to write them the rest of the time id spend jus t making sure i had the correct informatin. i havent got a clue if I have the correct info, anyway, Im going to go now. so tired an d heartburn. Take care dawn I hope your allright and im not draining you. I always believed this, some people are drainers and some people are radiators, I want to be a radiator , but im cold an blcoked, and need drained. Got to go.

dawn-are youaround? I feel terible! I couldnt get out of bed this morning, as been up for a few hours and got thet inking feeling. i didnt think i could be s obad tempered, but I totally lost it this morning.Im now crying, and dont know wtf to do, I dont want to go tothe clinic today because he will not help and I then I feel suicicdal , c**p mum c**p everything , and then why does he ignore me, then after getting the girls to school and thinking -im not going to be any better on mty own as Ill still have to be a mum. So thinking , maybe I should go, maybe I should leave

I dont want this mans love, his apologies his anything, I never got anything anyway. Then ive his dad this evening and ive to cook hm tea, and that man is another thing that drives me crazy.. Then screaming at him, if"If you hadnt gone to gold, if you had only helped, and then it was you that rang the police, so when social services come round, are you going to explain why this house is so bad? and why arent you helping when you know howimportant that is, and if your not going to help, I want the children even just have a tiny little bit of respect for themselves and their things. oh, right im going back to bed im as about as useful as I dont know a snail withougt his ...I dont kow.

I left him an application form on the table, asked him to fill it out, stated that the children don t want to moev, no matter which one of us goes, it has to be done

I dont want to take anymore ads, as I think if I am on them so should the rest of my family.

well sod this-im going for a sleep.

Its fine its fine its fine!!!! Ok, like you have stated I am addicted, even if not physicaly , im still an addict. Anyway, I lay in bed and cired and cried and cired-couldnt get back to sleep. Got up took my citalopram pill, then cried someomore. Then thought grr-no one going to come and help me-i have to do that myself. ran a bath, my whole body is itchy , and theirs nothing that explains it. Had a very long hot bath and Im sure my hair is falling out. still feeling that gluey feeling, cant explain but itslike every pour in my body has been howling and I smell of grief.

Rationalised my thinking"just do it katy-no one else can-and its your life, your body. Not anyone elses. Do it for alex and Bec. D o it ofr santa and a for a better existence. (God my stomach want stop rumbling -really loud too-Ive eaten welll tooomaybe to many chilies for this time of day-but hey theres worse things I could be doing!

Im just woried that at night-once theyve gone to bed, once ive done some work or housework or whtever I do-that i ll need the fel for a reward, or feel emotionally drained that I wll lash out-I know i will at some point. Knowing that scres me

Its strange how Ive changed. i remeber my sister at art coolege-i lived at home with mum. But everytime we met with her she stank , like really stank, and just looked unloved. I remeber even saying to my mum "im worried baout her-how could she do that to herself?"Now, shes managed things ok, and I am the onestinking every where I go.

I dont want to go to this clinic in a way as it would be so much better if I could just do this myself. Whats goingto happen at the end of antabuse? Ill go FREEDOM-get me a drink.. ok I might not-but considering I drank before I had my children-thats all I see.

Then again , once the cycle had been broken down abit, I want need so much never mind be building it up, and I might enjoy a fresh day-a day where I feel good about myself. i might haeve more money ( though I doubt that one.People keep saying that save it uop) and thats theother thing aboutmy theory thinking about its not that bad drinking. I mean you could be walking around with a tumour , hemirage, cancer anything and not wake the next day. You could get hit by a bus, a terrorist could drop some bombs on you, scaffolding could fal on your head and kill you, brick s could fall of buildings and hit you in the head. I could eat a poisomned piece of chicken and die from food poisoning. A drunk blind man could be speedingon the road and kill me. Some teenagers ( which I saw yesterday ) polish boy had a blade, well they could bang me down and knife me to death within seconds, We could have a gas explosion...carbon minoxide poisoning. My appendix could burst during my sleep and I die from septocemia. My heart could stop for all the alcohol and chocolate I eat. Anyway, need I go on?

Ive had a slice of toast and a big bagel and im stilll hungry!

OK-I managed up to the clinic. The nurse was off so spoke to a Psychiatrist. It was good , in away, hes left my options openstill, but thnks it would be beneficial if I reduce my citaloprm dose down to 10mgs a day. perhaps it might make me feel more in control ( I dont know) . Ive to go back on monday and see the nurse. I did say that if i was to goon antabuse Id be spending most my time onit waiting to be free. but well see what happens.

Ive had a sore stomach all day-and its not getting any better.

Hope your okay. Im wondering why they want to see my ex partner??

Hmm-Im giving up!

One minutw i think its me. Its me that shte pure 100% selfish b***h. Its me thats breaking the family apart as I have some or little more standards than what he knows. its me thats doin it-im the well known named and shamed alcoholic. its me that to blame. Im supposed to be in Glasgow-I couldnt get out my bed. I dont see the point. No one Why am I doing and msc in this pissh? why? Off all the stupid things to be doing?and Going there isnt really helping. i feel the same . and sometimes I feel really brave for walking round, walking round a place that gave me such nightmares, ( even tough its diffenrent)

Actually, im a bit distressed. I dont know-that Psychiatrist, ( Dr Chi) -well he was kind, but hes got to me-why do they want to meet him? Why? Do they not believe what I am saying? No wait, they want to know his plans? well ge whizz-idont actually think he cares. he doesnt care he doesnt have plans. If he had plans Id be a different person right now.

Anyway, Ive taken my 10mgs this morning, and I feel down, but also, the good news is my sinuses allready feel better. Im so tired.stomach still sore .anyway, ill go get a move on. hope your all right-not hearrd from you in a while

Em-Hi Dawn. What a day ive had! Ive cut my msc down just now (until things are less tense) so Ive only 2 essays to do before christmas ( I hope this will be ok-I ned to speak to peeps about it). Well, this morning I had these really strong positives vibes going through me, I can do this, I will do this, and remeber who you are. Im not a bad person. and I thought going back down to 10mgs of citalopram was possibly a good idea. Until I got off the train In Glasgow and had a major panic. Locked myslef in the lou, tried to vommit0nothing, so sat down sweated and ried Felt like a frweak. this was after sitting on the train and going right back downhill. I got to the msc room -wasnt my self. Got to a really good seminar . Did that ( Totally forgot that I was panicing) and panic to queen street station Lost my train ticket. Two police officers walked be down to the station. i then realised Id lost my ticket wobbled to buy another..Got the next train home ( meanwhile I couldnt get on the damn train and a polich trolley porter had to help me and then checked to see if I was ok once seated. Coming hoe I was much the same.Know I feel shattered!

Something is going on here, the Citalopram is a good drug for anxiety, perhaps you might be alergic to it! The only way of finding out what is going on with you is to ask for an allergy test! It WILL amaze you what exactly you are allergic too, and actually make a lot of sense to you!

Did you tell the Dr. What you have been going through with your ex? If not then they probably want to ask him how bad of a drinker you are? If you have told them quite a bit about what he has done, then they might just put the pressure on him to leave! That's what I'm worried about, what did you tell them about him?

Woo! Wait! I need to think. I told them how he quietly upsets me, anditsme that rages-its me that gets hostile becuase its so devious. I told them that Ive ben trying NOT to buy the bottles in so I cna figure out what is up with me-?So he brings in a large bos, then state"your not yourself" see, though, Im such a worrier"I cant believe what that lecture was on today-and everything seemed so relevant" Im gasping on breath-all the time, spitting ( obviously I dont spit-it repulses me ) but then have to swallow it.

I told the Psychiatrist "that the worst of it-in his intentions-whether or not he does what he has done or actually did it-to me is irrelevant" He tried to do it, he has done it before-but when I snapped-boy big time tears -hurt revenge-pain constant pain. So U eat sweets and drink like a pudding to numb it-then hes nice and polite and charming as can be-and I think if someone was to take my grils from me 5 days a week "Id want to kill them too". Having said that right now I look like the real baddie"Im pmt d out my box, lik eyou wouldnt believe"Ive lumps hard lumps in my boobs-and Im so emotional that I sont think coming off a drug that apparently has no addictive useage is wrong-it is addictive if coming off it is making me loose my balance ! Sorry-gone to a tangent there. Ive been getting up in the mornings and as hes been on night shift etc, ( which means hes home once the work has been done) Im fed up with it-not thats theres anyexcuse- I know -but I was trying to think if I make him hate me so sososososo much then he will do what I need him to do..Ok , this isnt like me but the phrase begins with f and ends in f.

That lecture is spinning in my head. Its amazing-I didnt know that 574 pees died in scoalnd alone due to drugs-drugs like I am on. i found it terrifying, and even though I of all people understand-I just think that sometimes going to a doctor can be less beneficial. An addicition is an addiction. Like I said today, If I made it as a health clinician I would not turn my back on an ano-but dont you think food stavation is also an addiction, just like food fatty amion acids? All of which are due to emotional breakdowns-things we cant understand ourselves, plus things we dont really want to unearth.

That was my point. it was based on addictin, not ust taking a drug for the fun! thats got to have a plus side-let your hair down and all , but thats not what I was trying to say. Plus theres the crimal that has to feed their addiction-i know right from wrong so want be doing that. Mind you on reflection-ok-I shant say.

I dont know. hes not willing to go anyway. I asked him last night if he would go-he said No-but then I dont trust anyting. he miht even turn around and make it seem much worse than it is-do you know what I mean? Why would it make any diffence? i dont care though - he can go - say his c**p do balh balh blah. I was thining-isnt the fact that I take care inpeople , enough to know I dont wish harm to anyone, and my children I love, and yes, im an alcoholic, but a functional one.One minut e, I think god yeah-why dont you write an essay on him, the next minute f**k no, hes to devious cunnning and im too naive.

I think your riight about allergies-im going to have to gte it checked as ive been scratching and oculdnt breathe today ( well you knkow)

had a huge discussions with big sister about how the smell of sperm makes me chick and I now when hes done it.