I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hi Dawn- god- I dont really know you and here I am voicing my opinions! Thats just it-I dont really know who the hell I am either. Anyway, I dropped the girls off at school and thought id better get alex something nice to wear-well i found a cardi and something else ,Okay-it was in a shop the I had previously applied for a job-and the woman who had interviewed me was hoovering. I stood at the till point for what seemed like an age. There were no other customers. anyway, got given no assistane so flung the clothes on the counter and walked out, ( not like me- the last time I flt like this Id had alex). Anyway, walked home no wobbles, no nothing wrong, in fact almost felt confident on my legs.

Its nearly been 3 years since Ive really not seen the light- could I be starting to? Im thinking about moving me and my girls back to Glasgow, ( not that they have ever lived there) anyway I ned to go get organised. Take care

I dont think ive ever had such bad heartburn

I feel tangled or disstngled - or something. my thoughts are racing! One minute"If it was mymum I wouldnt have got out of bed, the next minute, he want be around, even if he was around, to do what I can try to do for him, then the next, maybe thts not true, maybe he will surprise me! And then I have this thing, im thinking -hurry up girl -find yourself-because your nearly 34-you need to be head strong , confident etc. Also want to go back to glasgow-because amongst the magled population, i look maybe ok! Still have a fondness for edinburgh-but its old news-too many memories, ( even on where we spent the day in hopsital because dad had crushed mums knee between his car and a parked car. God everytime I wal along that street I think about that, and that I got upset because I wasnt gettting a toy or something-reminds meof Becks! Anyway, Ive just eaten a corissant with emmental and jalapenos-dont think my heartburn will enjoy that. Its odd, since all this-ive been ezting much better. I mean not healthily brilliant but 3 meals a day and some...that much more than my one meal a day-snack and then loads of wine.( a bottle) Im beginning to think my issue with alcohol is food and anxiety related more than just alcohol alone. I mean if I was a true alcoholic ( yes, I know I am 0 but I would have lost my appetite-which i didnt really ever. I stilll crave junk food and still eat it ha ha) and after all that hapened last week-if thats so bad and a doctor ends up "putting me down" then im just another guinea pig in the meantime

Its really strange. The opticians phoned me to get my eyees checked. Either they are desperate for money or I feel like somone is watching me-id just been speaking to a driving instructor who told me to go to the dvla for an eye test and get it noted that I haven o peripheral vision anyway, got to go, ( this place, its hard to find-do you think we are safe talking here?)

Hi Katy! I think it's GREAT that 1. You stood up to an ignorant Cow! And thus had no wobblies! CONGRATS!! 2. That you are getting your eyes checked, this will be a perfect opportunity for you to bring up about your wobblies - as in saying you feel off balanced sometimes etc. See what they say - they don't know you medically so it would be a perfect time to get to the bottom of your eye problems! Yeah Emental and Jalapenos will be AWESOME for your stomach! ;-) Think about the LITTLE steps - like walking out on being ignored that was awesom!

When I was little I was called "you STUPID LITTLE GIRL!" It devestated me! So when I got older and IF anyone was condescending to me or looked like I was stupid! I would TEAR them APART!!! You should see me in department stores if people ignore me!!!! It's NOT pretty! ;-) o.O XD This was the same for you, you HAD IT with being ignored or being treated like you weren't important enough to notice! And you DIDNT take it - of course you didn't take it FAR better that I do!!! ;-) But still you didn't stay and applogize for being there! So I'm VERY proud of this little step you took!

Hi Dawn-yesterday was pretty bad actually! I went to work but they let me home - even my friends stopped me to ask if I was okay as my eyes have puffed up to big red marshmalows. i look like I hve 2 stys-so cancelling my eye appointment unti lthey go down (its the mixture of make up and tears.) Im shattered-so much was said that was kept from his side of the family.Alexs cousin sat beside alex and they sat beside me-and when they cracked, I cracked - alex said "mummy you were a bit like a smashed eggshelll"followed by"it was a bitembarassing" ) anout ME! I apologised and hugged her hard.At the funeral I had my arms atound her as she was in a bit of a state. She was too young.

Then OMG-on the bus to friends house ( there was no wake) and this man states"Im just going to sit beside that pretty little girl in the corner_ I look , bet a braass neck-as the entire bus turn and look at him.....and im looking thinking-what--then this man sits next to me-I freak a little and go this colour :-) :$ He then realises I am with my family XD and shouts to Alex, "she isnt your mum is she?" Alex answers :-P yes! and she laughs XD XD and then some.

Okay, we found out that his mum had been diagnosed with something 8 months ago ( no one told anyone this side of the green , and it sheds a strange light for poor richard , anyway, NIGHTMARE!

When work let me go this morning -I didnt want to go home-I just kept walking and staring at the water wishing I was a bird-anyway, im supposed to be doing my essay-but cant face it-to tell you the truth i just want sleep....thats the other thing.................I dont get it.............richard doesnt want to split up and things are weird-but dawn im scared.....im scared so scared. I dont want to feel like this/that again, I really dont and I dont know what to do-and I am feeling exhausted. I cant see me having my essay done this next coming week-and im TOTALLY confused. i actually DO KEPP thinking I could end it-but sh*t ive not got any money to pay for a funeral..Ive lost it ...and my mum is annoying me......she understandas and their is a thing that people seeem to share in times of loss, especially when its your parents,,,,,my mum says to EVERYONE"Owe her, she cries at anything she does-always a cry baby"Really upset so I was glad to get home last night. Anyway. im going for a lie down-its not that im hurt about the loss, im more upset about her actions towards her children etc and its totaly made me rethink motherhood, and question my behaviour. I dont know , im confused! Also no wobbles, and ive not slept-do you think my body/ head has been telling me this is going to happrn, and now it has , theyve gone-could that be possible? Or could it be a clalcium deficency , because i dont really do milk, and occasssionallly eat cheese, but yesterday had quite a lot of milk

I forgot to mention. Ive really really bad heartburn...everything I eat, or drink burns acid . and my veins on my legs have swollen-maybe i just tired!

Weel Dawn-ive not gone my essay .Ill do some tonight.

Guess where ive just been. OPTICIAns!!! Apparently Ive nygstamus and my eyes are astigmatised also-so I do have wobbily eyes-...for driving ive to go to the dvla as she said it was very borderline. Why does everything have to be borderline-cant it just be one way or another????? But i feel better in that im not going totally mad!

Im so tired, yet cant sleep!Im thinking about giving up as im so worried about everything,so worried.Then think fcs,life is so short and then think about events of the last month

Im scared to go to th eshops on my own, scared to leave the house on my own and Im thinking im not going to be able to do Glasgow tomorrow What am I going to do now?

Good morning Dawn-are you around today? Im really confused! I rang my ex sister in law last night and spoke to her. I used to feel realy close to her and shes always really kind to me-cant remeber but I was supposed to be meeting her.

My partner started to shout at me about this!

he doesnt want me to see her and he forbids it! I dont think this is fair at all. I mean at all, I should be able to speak to who the hell I want without him having any involvement-and I will! I dont want to wind him up or upset him-but speaking to her has nothing to do with him-plus the cousins are close as her and I used to spend lots of time together- I really do not think this is fair-and we spent lots of time together as we used to live in her flat above their house-its not fair! Anyway. Im not planning to go out today-im planning to get wicked with the typing. Ive done my readiing and to tell you the truth its boring and dry stuff thats why I cant get motivated.

I dont know if I should go back and tell my gp what the optician said-and do you think he will say ive this because of my drinking -cause that will upset me-when I know I have it not because of my drinking, though I know that my drinking makes it worse, but aiming to treat it as only an enjoyable thing to do and not as a numbing thing to do

For all I know they probably know about it anyway- I dont know / where do I stand here? Where am I ? I hope your okay-ive not heard from you in a while??

Yesterday I felt so old, and felt really freaky at college- the good thing though-people there seem to have an open mind and i didnt mind speaking to them , whereas someof the mum saround here...Im like quick run zoooooooooooooooooom but then worry that I might fall so hide. Anyway, hope your good ive got to go.

When you go to the GP tell him what the optician said and this would be a perfect time to talk to him about changing your pills! Tell him the "side effects" you are having and see what he says! You NEED to tell him about your "wobbilies" and major panic attacks! New pills could transform your life - as they have done with me Katy! It is silly for you to suffer so much and for over 3 years! We are now on 101 pages!!!!!! so that should tell you that things haven't changed, so you need help to have them change!

He i trying to keep you away from people he knows and are on HIS side - he doesn't want the truth to be told about what a pig he is! He wants to be in control of the information - negative about you - to them! IF he sys that you are this and that and they talk to you and find out you aren't it demeans his case!

Heartburn is classic anxiety and depression and if you still say that you don't have this after ALL the stuff that has happened to you, then you are in TOTAL denial and will continue to be in the state! You know Katy that you are depressed and have anxiety - how could you not? After ALLt he c**p you have been through in your life and live in today not ONE person on this earth could stand against all of this!

Hi dawn-good to hear from you! I got up yesterday, had breakfast and then sat at my pc and types until 8 pm-im still only half way! i was going to try and just finish my stuff last night-but god im keeping it to a minimum-nothing exciting for anyone to read and you can tell im a little bit frustrated.

I know after everything and that there are so many many worse tings in the world-but I dont want to get up today. I mean im up and about to try and do some more work-but I dont want to be doing any of it right now!

yesterday he took the girls out - to let me do some studying etc and that was good of him!

It is hard to get your head round when your me!

The optician sadi that Ive had this since .... but its got worse and its affecting my ability to cope
I feel like such a freak! For a woman with 2 children approaching 34, i look like a total freak, not like im supposed , Im supposed to be sophisticated and earning bucks by now and the girls should be in a nice house-upstairs downstairs, with a garden! Have their own room each-and I feel like its al my fault that they dont have these luxuries. I want them to be comfier-then again I have all those htoughs -walk into their room and its like a bomb exploded. I always-doesnt matter if Ive spent hours the day before cleaning walk into their roo think to myself ( wtf) and walk out nearly in tears-I scream at them, i take toys away from them I ban them from certain things and still it hapens.I dont know what to do about that! As they shar a room they blame each othe "No , it wasnt me", "It was her" Finger pointing, then followed by the giggles. Maybe its payback time for me having been such a crappie teen. I dont know though-I want that bad a teenager-I didnt shout or scream at my parents-only once at mum- onec at dads now then girlfriend and believe me the standing up to them made me shake and howl and I probably didnt scream but trapped myslf choking the words, but screaming them n my head. im not allowed to shout! Its not worth it! And its pointless-though ive shouted and screamed at him in the past-though like I said-its not worth it, you have to think things through and be clever about it -dont you?

I dont know. we di this thing on friday I cant even remeber what the topic was....thats bad( oh and ive not to use this"eh" apparently that likes eh and that and like and i but no but and so on...anyway, where was I .....yeah talking about theories on dealing with things...apparently iam a distraction szone-that what im doin. Just distracting my self...and Im really worried about my coure and exams because all the other students are either nurses, or Psychiatric assistant, or ect therapists...in walks me, mother of 2, long wrinkly face, no sleep , no food and and thats that! How can I fair wwell with this bunch when I have no real history...Ill need to do something about this in the summer-I think id quite like talking to others with different things going on-even if it were just to talk-though im not sure! In that lecture my stomach almost dropeped out the acid hole my heartburn has created..when she said"you can only distract yourself for so long" I dont know, what if you can distract yourself forever-I guess its the same as running away-so you can run away forever, just hope I dont fall on the way! Im really stuck on my essay to, ive got to 3600 words, and imlooking through it and theres lot more things /studies etc to say and I thought it might be good to go into the ocontact and perception area with it-but dont know how or wherer to put that in, which is a bit like the whole problem anyway. Ill probably just write that at the end

My sinuses are sore again, my nose is big and swollen my throat tickles and my eyes are itchy. The girls are off tomorrow too and the sun and the birds are annoying me-they are too noisy.how can birds annoy people? Magpies, but little staffinchs?

And theres this in my head....feeling this way is inot worth it-because when im dead I want feel, life is too short to be like me-then theres this always im always going to be the bottom of the rank,,,,,it will ineveitably always be my place...:thats good for you Katy, no that is good FOR YOU! AND THEY MEAN IT! but I would never do that to anyone else, maybe because I know its meant..whats so bad about me?God Ineed a laugh......maybe i should go write about carl Rogers and his love of moths and caterpillars, and his bloody potatoes that grew in the light and why is light in inverted cmmas? and then thers the fact he was brough up in a what seeem to me to be an over protective enviroment with his other 5 siblings, how come he was bullied at school where were his other briother and sisters? I dont get that? My sister used to be really cruel to folks that would tease me about my eyes at primary-she was brilliant and catching them too! Something ill never forget about her ( my sister is that she is really protective , i guess it becomes reciprocatted too) Maybe rogers was just a geek then - owe that made me giggle -well i neede a giggle. I mean I do think this self actualising buiness could be really depressing-put richard in the stand ( ha ha!) Owe here we go, turning into a b***h again. i better go..i think ill wash today and do some working.

I was thinking his mum must have had cancer of the esophagus, as the throat endoscopy thing couldnt even go down-thats so scary adn I dont know why I keep thinking about it-maybe its the suddeness and the fact that hes back to ( I dont like to say it , becaus eim worried abot this) But hes seems to have recovered so quick! If it was either my mum or dad-I think id still be sleeping, like under my duvet for months-maybe its diferent when its your own parent s having watched all that toot-but I dont get it! I hope I dide before mine go to be honest-well i never asked to be put on the planet

Gulp-sh*t my essay is sh*t! I cant read the information for feeling so anxious about getting it done so Ive just started to waffle on about dialectand oh gee-its not the level it is supposed to be- at least I dont think it is.

My heartburn seems to have gone and im eating too well Even eating things that I dont like-what is going on with me! Okay dawn Ill ask you-no ne else seems to take an interest-right if youwrite about Person centred aproaches, do you thinkit appropriate to illustrate by example....eg) :I feel close to you at this moment" what is that that would piss me off....."at this momenet....well sod off, what do you hate me when Im gone...thats what Id think-but this is counteracted with genuiness, see its a nightmare and I casnt be bothere going into all the researchers pants. ( oh dear that was not meant to readlike that-I really dont!) It is what it is at this given moment...Huh-there my argument then if I fail...No Im a ture Rogerian , apprecaite the moment. I dont know only parents should be allowed to have unconditinal regard-this could really mess people up...I mean open and honest and react in the given moment -Omg ( Thats me!) Im stuck -I cant do it-why did I not pick a more scoientific approach?

Anyway Ive waffled 5000 words of absolute rubbish out-because i am incapable of reading-this is not good!

Nightmare! Ive sat here all day and gotmy c**p essay up to 5006 words, andn ow I have a thumping headache and flashing lights in my left eye which is now closed. The children are tidying their roo because they want a sleep over at their cousins. Giving it some thought because im about to get a migraine-argh!

If that pain-which is still there was in my stomach I would be in a and e right now. I thought I was going to die! I cant look at the white screen at this moment so forgiveme for my typoos!

Ive read a fellow students essay, and its really really good. Mine is so much more simplified-im worried ill fail! Also I realised that you can get bogged under by the person centred approaches developemt rather than taling about the approach itself-so Ill just say that. god-my head is really hurting-I went to bed since I last spoke, its throbbing, but its not the pain it was before-normally im sick when I get these but i havent been yet...

Anyway, Im at a miss here. I dont want to go to my doctor -not for a long time-because everything is probably just anxiety based and why waist such an important fellows time-when there are people that are in REAL need. I just nedd to accept who I am. You said in the last post that i am anxius and depressed but I do b****r all really to get out of it-but then I dont really know how to-depite being told.

if the tory party get in I am goosed! I balme their political ideology on everything.and I mean everything! they piss me off. What I think if people who are so-called capable so rich and so therfor deserve their income ( which they do!) I think its wrong to bully the lower people in that its usually just circumstances thats caused their disadvantages. Then that brings added pressure to prosper and succeed, we cant all do this, qualifications or not. I mean it seems to me its who we know that gets us places not what we know and dont know. Maybe thats my depression talkng- i dont know -ive never really considered it that way. I have to manage and thats a fact!

You can guess who im voting and they probably arent going to win. I just think EVERYONE regardless deserves a chance! I blame the tories for anorexia, watch if they get it-I bet you anything mental health issues wil rise-im teeling you they will. they arenot a supportive body. i can understand why someone who has worked hard all their lives would want to safeguard theoir income/belongings-but just think, there are so many that just cant access any of these things and its not necessarily their own fault but their life chances. Politics pisses me off!

Anyway, im going back to bed-im sore and pulled a muscle in my shoulder. he is coming down with flu-not surprisingly! I just want to curl up in the fetile postion and quit!

Hi Dawn-how are you doing?

Hmm-I still have a blazing headahce-I got so anxt about it yesterday i ended up back at the opticians-asking for another opinion-anyway, my children acted up so I had to leave without being seen

I seriously cant read at the moment-I mean proper books. Ive been like this before, ( when siting my highers) but I cant absorb any of it-and I have to re read and reread and its a pain in the neck. I might slip a few quid in and a little coment stating that I couldnt read as I couldnt concentrate and pleases could they take this into consideration.I( I dont think it will get me anywhere though) Then I think Im just being lazy-im not, I did an hour last night but gave up because of my head....Im going to get one finishe dtoday and then one finished in the next 2 days . Then enjoy life for a few weeks, llok into my situation-sit an exam then hopefully move on out! The concept is hard to deal with right now because of all thats gone on and I hate people hurting and I cant handle thinking ive hurt others and anyway, ive got to go get to work. Lost the plot and feeling really tired.

Why did I care? Horrible nasty evil letter from soloicitor/hes claiming the girlscourt or sign document ....yet this tim elast week it was a different story. Im feeling really sick and cant handle that I am such a softie! >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(