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Hello I do not want to give my real name but lets just say this. Im am a 14 year old male and im having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts. Today in school I thought about it every lesson till I couldnt take it anymore and ran out of the school straight home to try and kill myself. Every day I get closer and closer to actually doing it. I think my time is running out. I cry every day, cant sleep and have no motivation for anything including life.. I mean I work my ass of at school for 8 years, then I go work a 9-5 in which the government takes most of the money I earn from it anyway for my whole life. I have no motivation for anything. It's at the point where no one can help me either. Helplines/chat rooms wont work for me. so this is the last place Im turning to. I know im gunna get the answer " think of your family" But It's at a stage where That still wont phase me. I know its unfair on them But If they knew whats best for me theyd know How much pain im mentally in every day. Let you tell you my story, its not a very long one and I can't picture it actually leading me to this sort of depression but it has. and proggressively getting worse.

 

I grew up living well, great parents, got what I wanted, when I joined secondary school is basically when It happened. The area I used to live in was a very ghetto'ish area in london. bit by bit I was influenced by the area, I became A street boy who did bad in school (before this is was heading to be an a* student), had no respect for anyone and did not live a normal life. It wasnt bad as in got introuble sometimes it was like, gang bad. Robbing people bad. It changed me so much, It changed the way I see people and how I act. I kept all this away from my mum as I was doing stuff i'd get kiccked out of the house for. It turned bad when my parents (whom are great parents) were told by the landlord that he wanted to sell the house so we had to move. My parents were quite poor at this point and could not afford a house in the area so I had to move away from all my friends. At the same time this happened My parents split up.  I developed severe anger problems from all of this to the point where if someone mentioned my parents id First hit them with whatever I could find, then Punch the wall untill my knuckles bled. We moved house from a ghetto area to a middle class area. At this point I was getting better, going to gym, keeping fit and all that good stuff. It took a turn for the worst when I joined the new school. Although I started of popular ( been here 3 weeks) and got alot of girls and had good friends I just couldnt be there.. My mind was developped too far into the ghetto way of life. If you payed attention in class you were ridiculed where I used to live and stupid stuff like that. I just couldnt get over it in this school. On the second week of the school I met this popular Girl and I loved her at first sight. Everyone was good about her. She liked me too. We went out for abit and I told her all my feeling about everything. word got around that I was a "hardman" even though I was never trying to be it was just natural for me. My girlfriend That I thought I loved broke up with me then My depression really kicked in again. Badly. when I walk round the school and hear people whispering " look its the id**t hardman" I can't deal with it. Im really emotional. if I am ridiculed I will just walk home. I tried my best to start a new good life but It didnt work. after my girlfriend broke up with me it reminded me of everything bad that ever happened to me in my life. Just sitting at school I see images flashingin my head of happy times when My parents just around me teaching me how to ride a bike laughing and having fun.. I see happiness everywhere then I see me, now away from it, far away. I think about good things I Get angry. I think about sad things I freak out. both of which leads to me walking away from whatever Im doing, may it be school and just going home and crying. I think suicidal every moment. I see my dads face flashing throughout my head as if distant memories. I remember all the kids faces that I did bad to in my old area. I see my past crystal clear... but I see no future except a 9-5 with no joy. They say highschool is the happiest days of your life. If It could get any worse Id be dead by now. I cant do it anymore. I need quick help I dont know how much longer I can take this. Im so far on the edge right now.:'(Life isnt for me.

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Health Ace
6523 posts

Hey there....... I read your story. and I can see why you feel this way the past few years of your life have been really rough, couple that with puberty and all the physical/hormonal and emotional changes that brings with it and its a recipie for depression. Depression is Extreamly comon for kids your age however there is help and things can and do get better... I'm here to tell you High School is NOT the best years of your life... for some kids it can be great but for many it is some of the worse times...... If you are in immediate need of help then you need to get to the Emergency room or call 911 just to have someone there to help you until you can calm down some. after that you can start focusing on getting better and geting back to a more normal life. there are people here to listen and help you but you have to keep in contact and for emergencies you need to get someone who can physically be with you and help you.

if you want feel free to write back and we can talk more

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Thanks alot but I don't want to go to the 911.. or get help.. I feel like I want to die. The quick way out, the end to my pain. I also need help. i've decided that I will refrain myself from trying anything for atleast a week to see if things improve... But I dont know what to do, I can't go to school. I just cant. the moment I step into a lesson My depression will get the better of me. I will forget everything and told myself and walk straight back to my house where I have to spend 4 hours on my own trying desperately to not do anything stupid. It's at a point where it's Uncontrollable. I don't want to bring this up to my mum because I dont want her worrying / Ill feel even worse. I have noone to turn to. You know right not im more interested in what happens after life has ended then anything in this current life. I really cant do it, I think im at breaking point. I think one more school day and im finished. today was the last straw, I cant go another day.

Ive spent the whole day looking at ways to convince myself not to.. videos..chatrooms.. Nothing is helping at all. I dont know what to do about tomorow. I dont know what to do, my mum is sleeping and there is not enough time to talk to my mum I just couldnt do it anyways.. I'd break down every word. I just know in my mind that I cant go another bad day, im at the end of the line please help me

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Hi notmyrealname, you have been through a really difficult time. Parents splitting up, gang culture, New school, moving away from friends. but please understand, suicide is permanent but your problems aren't. Things can change. You can live a happy life but you do need help. I know what it is like to be depressed, and I know what it is like to feel suicidal. I have been there. But I have overcome my depression. It is hard to believe that things can improve when you are depressed but they can. Please, please, please get help. You say you have good parents. Talk to them. Your mum won't care if you wake her your tell her something this important. I am a parent. That's what parents are for. To look after their children and keep then safe. I'd hate to think my son couldn't trust me or didn't want to bother me with something so important and distressing to him. As you are in the UK you could phone either childphone (also for teens) as they have phone counsellors who can talk to you about things and help you. Or the Samaritans. childphone would be bettet as they are for youth. They are confidential and are a free call. They have a website. Childphone dot org dot UK. And remember, it doesn't all have to be about a 9 to 5 and paying lots of money to the taxman. You can make your own destiny. Find something that is meaningful, interesting, exciting for you. I am not made for a 9 to 5 life. I knew that early on. Instead I have travelled and worked all over the world on varied and interesting jobs, with lots of time just travelling. It helps to get a decent education so you have more options and opportunity. Like you, my parents weren't well off. But you have lots of unique qualities and talents. Depression is a horrible beast but it can be tamed. Ask for help. It's out there. Your parents aren't mind readers so talk to them so they can help you get help. You are unique and precious. My partner attempted suicide years ago but a friend found him and saved his life. He is so grateful that he is alive. The problems that haunted him then ended lobg ago. He now has a great life, great kids, great job, singer/guitarist in a band, has a radio show that he loves, and we are in love. Your life isn't over. It has barely begun. And problems in your past don't mean that you always have to suffer. Again, please get help, take care and stay alive.
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User avatar
Health Ace
6523 posts

Sally is Compleatly right there is so much out there to be thankful for and look forward too. you say you are at the end of your rope and i do believe you however i know you despreatly want help as well we are here for you and you can talk/explaine anytning you want and no one is going to  judge you but also the help lines and your parents are very good resources. i understand you dont want to call 911 but it things are that bad then they can at least get to you and help you until you get out of your mood. Suicide is a perminate solution to temporary problems...... I have been affected by suicide and it is horrible. things can and do get better but you have to attemp to help your self and ask for help :) stay strong and stay alive your life is just begining, dont let it be crushed or defined by your past :)

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Hi notmytrealname, just checking in to see how you are doing
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I am a 14 year old girl and i can relate to a lot of your past experiences except the gang experiences. I have been very depressed before and i know it is not easy to get out of these situations by yourself. After the first time i trued to take my life, i didnt tell anyone until three years later, so a lot of depression built up inside of me over time. Im glad you came and explained yourself and reached out for help in a way. If you need to talk just message of email me :)
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NotMyRealName, please don't kill yourself… My best friend committed suicide at age 17 (that was in February of2013) because she was the same way as you and she thought no-one would miss her. I can say, she was wrong I miss her 24/7. I am crying right now and am going to pray for you everyday. Please don't do anything harmful to yourself… Please?
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himy brother you are getting to hard on yourself ,u r only 14, life is not bad, if you want to see bad you will see always bad, your age everything is big deal, i remeber when i was 14 how stupid i was, doing to many stupid thing,dont be hard onypurself, in this world tomany thing you can do, for example, you can help homeless people, try to makes happy another people you will se when you make another people happy it will makes you happy, i know you are 14, but stay positive, dont let nothing makes you an happy, thing about if you a blind boy,or if you canser, what you do, whatever you got be thanksfull,that os the only way be happy,always try to your best to be good,THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW REMEMBER,

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