I screwed my life up. Many things have happened in my life, things including, being involved in gangs, parents splitting, new house, new school. In my old area I spent 10+ years adapting to the way of life there. People dont understand. I lived in the ghetto It was a whole different life. Strangers are outcasts there. I was one of them there and thats how I liked it. Butwe had to move away, to a new area, a good area and I couldnt do it. the cultures not the same, the people arnt, the streets arnt. I even feel too safe here. I act different to everyone And I cant stand that. In my head I know im the one acting but I just cant change my mindstate after living in such a bad area all my life, Like basically all of my best friends sold weed to pay for their parents rent.. It wasnt good at all but it was how I liked it. How I was. Robbing and mugging was an everyday thing in my old area, I was involved in some cases of it aswell. But Ive never agreed with doing it, it was just dog eat dog there. That area changed me, it screwed me up so hard. I cant think like a normal person anymore. I cant live in this new area..
Thats a back story anyways, also my parents split up during moving house.
Anyways, Because of this ive had severe suicidal depression. Likee reaaally bad. I also have anxiety and insomnia. I havent been to school for 4 weeks now And I dont give 2 fu**s Anymore. Ive given up on anything and I cant change. I know the one I love most in this world, My mum is trying her best to help me but I cant change. Its at the point where I know my mum will go to court but I cant get myself to go school. I wont. They can litterally drag me out of my house before I will do anything I dont want to do. My original plan was to have as much fun as I could for a month or 2 just screwing about at home and not going school then I was planning to end it all and kill myself. In fact I still am planning too. I cant go to school because I simply wont make it. When Im at home I can hold of doing anything stupid like trying to killmyself because I have things I like doing such as ps3. but in school.. where I feel trapped Everyday Ive been there its gotten worse and worse. My last day, 4 weeks ago I litterally got so close to ending it. Not even joking. I went home I got all the pills out then I decided, to hang in there for a few more days. I dont even seem to want help.. Ive given up. my parents are getting all types of counsellors for me but I refuse to see them. My mind doesnt want help. I know all these people saying its temporary you'll be better and stuff. But I couldnt care less. I understand I wont always feel like this But I dont want to change..for some reason. since Ive gone into this I dont give a f*ck mindstate I couldnt care less about anything. Ive already made my idol.. my dad hate me because I treat him like sh*t..I not me its my head.. It screwed me up. I dont want help. I dont like life. Most peoples dream is to become a footballer or whatever but mine is too die. and im not some stupid 14 yr old emo. Im actually the smartest in all of my classes, always top marks. Im not a stupid. The way I Used to deal with this is smoke weed. but ever since ive moved I cant get it. Litterally weed saved my life. But I crumble without it now that my depression is so bad.
I screwed up everything.. and for some reason I dont want help.. My ideal wish isnt for it to go away and to be happy again.. its to die.. My dad doesnt like me. Im not going school again. My Mum will go to court because of me. I wont accept help. Lost my best friends. Lost my area. and yet I dont seem to want help.. I really cant wait till I grow some balls and end my life. Ive already screwed up everything and even If I could fix it.. I dont want to.I cant live like a normal person. I think differently to others.
No matter how much people say change wont affect you, it has a huge impact that sometimes only makes sense in your head and in several aspects i know what its like to not care anymore, to just go day by day hoping everything will end, not having the motivation to do anything and not caring about anything or anyone (even if you want to). I know what its like to just shut out completely and not care anymore, like youre trapped. I used to want to skip school every day last year just because i was so depressed and i just didnt care anymore. I have tried to kill myself twice before because my head wasnt in the right place....the only thing that helped me was just venting to myself and now a really trusted person. I understand what its like and im sorry that there is no straight forward amswer for all of this.