I just don't like sex?

The problem you have is a common one especially early in the marriage.  Have you always felt this way about sex or has it been this way ever since you married?  How recently have you discussed this with him?   You are very articulate and very good at explaining your feelings.  You are obviously very sincere about your situation.   Its very clear that you love your husband very much and want to work things out.   If I were you, I would set him down and have a very serious discussion about this and explain that you want more in your life besides just sex and you want to experience going out and enjoying life and you want to experience new things with HIM.  Explain that its not really fair to you to be sequestered in the house all the time.   Its not that you want to be with someone else or anything like that so you can eliminate that thought from his mind. If you don't start to see some changes I suggest you seek some sort of marriage counseling before things get more serious and possibly someone else does enter your life at some point.   So have a serious chat with him one more time and hopefully he will start to understand. What you are asking is very reasonable and he will see that once he gives it serious thought. OK

Take care and Good Luck to ya.          Rodney

Dear Formally4gotten

I have been pondering your post for a couple of days, and believe you are completely misunderstanding your husband. Furthermore, you are not facing up to your responsibilities as a wife, and this I believe partly is rooted in your ‘oral rape’ of when you were nine. That event is a very significant part of your personal history which you dismiss in just a few words. It has had a greater effect on you than just your feelings about oral sex. Your husband appears to be doing his best to help you regarding this, but you are not facing up to it, or crediting him for his efforts. While you say “I want to be able to enjoy sex, but it just seems useless”, you don’t give the impression of trying to overcome your revulsion, but just expecting it to happen, then writing it off when it doesn’t. This probably isn’t consciously deliberate, but again is unfair on your husband. If you really want help … if you really do “want to be able to enjoy sex”, then you must take action before it is too late.

I will comment on your post in the order you made your comments. Please answer.

You are very blessed to be able to say “I have a wonderful husbands who loves me, adores me and takes great care of me” Many would be envious of you, but you don’t value him other than as a friend.

“his sex drive is just overwhelming to me. He wants sex every day” That should not necessarily be overwhelming. If you were more willing, rather than reluctant, he may well not want it so often.

“he tries to guilt me, saying that he doesn't feel loved if he doesn't get sex from me.” That is probably not because “he tries to guilt” you, but that is truly how he feels. He really doesn't feel loved if he doesn't get sex from me.” Sex is not only the greatest expression of love between a husband and wife, but is also a bonding action. You are complying reluctantly, and that is bad for your relationship. Do you really want it to last?

“The problem is, I have just never liked or enjoyed sex” Marriage is a sexual relationship, so why did you enter into marriage? But what do you mean by saying, “have just never liked or enjoyed sex”? Since when? When was your husband first aware of that?

“It's not him, he is great in bed and focuses almost entirely on me, which most women, I'm sure, would just love.” Then be grateful for what you have got!

“90% of the time, I just want him to get it over with.” That will be something that of which he will be aware. No wonder he feels unloved. What happens the other 10% of the time? How is that different?

“It's not because I don't find him attractive because I do” Well, I hope you wouldn’t have married him (unless arranged for you) without some attraction!

“the act of sex is just pointless to me” Then you need to start learning about what sex is and what it means. It expresses intimacy to the greatest extent. It expresses oneness of body and soul. It bonds you together.

You said, “I do orgasm”, but you “never liked or enjoyed sex” So you don’t enjoy your orgasm?

“I don't understand what the big deal is” is another indication of your need to start learning about what marriage is!

“Most of the time it just leaves me feeling overly sensitive to touch”. Touch on which part of your body? It is quite common for the genitals to feel sensitive after orgasm.

“Most of the time it … makes me irritable, especially when he is not finished yet, and I've already orgasmed.” How do you think he feels when you reject him? He has patiently brought you to orgasm, and you are irritated!

“Sex for me, really is like going to the gym or something, I don't do it because I want to, I do it because I feel like I have to” Of course you have to. It is part of marriage. Each spouse has the responsibility to satisfying the other’s sexual needs to the best of their ability. It sounds as if he is doing his best. You are not.

“We are having sex 4-5 times a week as is, and I feel like this is a lot.” For a recently married couple, it doesn’t seem a lot. Granted, it is more than some. But it is by no means excessive. However, it doesn’t sound as if much goes into those occasions. It is like “going to the gym” to get fit, but not putting any effort into it, spending your time in the coffee lounge, and wondering why you don’t get fit!

“We can't just sit an watch a movie together, because as soon as I sit next to him he says he wants me and tries to drag me to the bedroom.” Because you are not meeting his needs, and make it so obvious you don’t really want to.

“I just want to be able to relax and enjoy his company without having to be hot and sweaty in bed” I think the words “I just want” sum up the problem. It’s what you want. But if you acted as a proper wife, those times would follow.

“When I was 9 years old, I was raped, orally.” I take it you mean forced fellatio rather than cunnilingus?

“Because of this, the whole act of oral sex is just too emotional and I can't even think about doing it without getting extremely depressed.” This is probably the root of all your sexual hang-ups, and something that needs dealing with properly. This is affecting you both badly. You have not come to terms with what happened. Who knows about it? What happened to your rapist? When did your husband find out about this? Do you have guilt about it? Was there something that felt exciting at the time but you feel you should not have felt?

“He is understanding about this and doesn't push for it most times.” It is good that he “is understanding”, but you say he “doesn't push for it most times”. This suggests he does sometimes. Is it because he wants to help you overcome that experience?

“But this is not a solution for us”. It shouldn’t be!

“I just read on a lot of sites women that are like "if you are tried to have him in you, give him oral".” But for you it is not wanting both vaginal and oral sex. Can’t you see how unreasonable you are.

“I want to be able to enjoy sex, but it just seems useless.” You don’t give the impression of trying to overcome your revulsion, but just expecting it to happen. What “just seems useless”? Sex? Being “able to enjoy sex”? Or taking steps to solve the problem.

“I dread getting into bed at night because I know he will ask.” Of course he will. He has needs, but you are not happy to fulfil them. “I dread him rolling over in bed, because I know he is going to get turned on and try to have sex with me.” That is quite natural. Two dreads of what should be a delight!

“I went and bought a second couch just so I have somewhere else to sit in our living room so that he couldn't pester me about it.” That was not only unkind, it was running away from your problem. And you say he doesn’t understand!

“We have tried talking about it, but he doesn't understand really.” Well, you haven’t explained it for me to understand! The only thing that I can understand is that you were somehow “orally” raped, and that would have an impact on more than just oral sex. But you don’t seem to understand that.

“He thinks that because he buys me stuff, I should want to have sex with him all the time.” I doubt very much that he thinks that. I imagine you have conveyed the idea that you want something other than sex, and he is trying to meet those needs, only to find that he still is denied proper marital sex.

“I just don't have the physical need for sex” So, again, why did you get married? I think you need to see a therapist. You are blocking that need. That would indicate you have never masturbated. Is that so?

“he takes it personally, saying I don't love him.” I should think he does take it personally! He is your husband. You married him! Now you are denying him that inter-action. There is no mutuality about it.

“I love him, thats why I want to spend all my time with him and go out and do things with him”. Yes, but that is not marital love. That is just the love of friends. He is just a good friend you like a lot. More like philanthropy.

“he only wants to stay in and have sex. There is no other option in his mind” I don’t think that is the case. If you had a proper marital sexual relationship with him, he would probably enjoy the other things with you as well. He is just extremely frustrated.

If you really want some help, then respond to my points. You do need help, and I think this is a cry for help to resolve those issues. So I await your reply. You do need to chat.