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I separated 4 years ago (2005). The ex and I were not getting on and I had to leave the house, hours later the new boyfriend moved in, this meant my children woke up to a new man. Since then I've been involved with my children aged 5, 7 and 12 and had them almost every weekend and some days overnight. After moving from one rented property to another and making 2 relational mistakes I decided to stay single and rent a 3 bedroom home (Jan 2009) near my children. It worked for a couple of months and gradually we furnished the house. In the last couple of weeks my children have talked a lot about mums' boyfriend. On Saturday 8th August 09 it was the boyfriends' birthday, my children were meant to come to me on the Friday and stay till Monday, (school holidays). My children never arrived and I stayed in this empty silent home all weekend expecting them to arrive on the Saturday. My daughter phoned and said they would come down on Sunday. On Sunday my eldest daughter turned up and literally stayed for 5 minutes telling me mum said it's not worth bringing the other 2 children down, this happened 2 weeks prior as well. I felt numbed, and when she left I cried. I have decided to sell what possessions I have, beds, furniture etc and move on, simply because my children do not want to be here and seem oblivious that dad exists. Their mum gives them too many choices and one being whether to stay with dad or not. When my daughter arrived on Sunday she saw things being removed from the bedrooms and seemed unbothered. Not seeing my children grow up has led me to contemplate suicide and Google the easiest method. I have no family whatsoever, and since being a single dad I failed to socialise due to work commitments. This means I now find it difficult to mix and have no drive for sex. I also find it difficult to work and my business is seriously suffering. If I were to die no one would find me for weeks because no one comes to the house. This is why I am considering suicide, because without seeing my children and watching them grow up would haunt me everyday, something I could not cope with. The easier method is a car in the garage, with a TV and some chips, this way it would seem like dozing off in front of the TV and I would never know. I awake each morning at 6am and wish I had never woken up. i stopped smoking 40 a day 7 years ago and now I and gradually smoking more and more each day, 15 a day now. No one knows how I feel and I've read that I need to see a doctor, but if I don't want to live then what is point in getting pills, I would be fooling myself and I would be dependant on pills. It seems I would not be missed as on Fathers Day I didn't even get a card from my children but they made the effort to make the new boyfriend a birthday card. I show and I tell my children I love them, I also attend any school or outing with them. we walk, cook, play together and we sit around the dining table with a candle and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, occasionally we crash out with a takeaway in front of the TV. I'm traditional and my ex simply dumps them in front of a play station or dinner on the lap in front of the TV. My ex gives the children anything they ask for, I have rules and they get paid if they do work. I don't want to die because I enjoy the sea and waking up each morning. The only thing I cannot cope or live with is wondering what my kids are doing and what they look like. I also miss their presence in this house. I have considered their feelings, but it seems 'are they bothered'. Thanks for reading this post. I appreciate you want to respond but I really do not want to hear the same stuff over such as see a doctor or talk to the ex, she doesn't listen and is a very lazy person. What are your experiences and do you know of places I could go to share and listen to others. I'm in West Midlands.

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Hi stu, listen ok? First of all, there is nothing more important than YOU. I know you adore your baby's but you are #1.
This suicide thing freaks me out you know. Why in the world would you ever end your life? All the explaining you did is not enough reason, in fact it's not a reason at all, it's an excuse.
Have you been to court? Do you have documented visitation? Do you pay child support?

When i separated from my first husband, our oldest daughter did the whole visiting thing too, but then as she got older, around your oldest kids age, she didn't want to hang out with her dad as often. She had made friends and would have rather been with them. This was no reflection on her dad, she was growing up. I know it's a blow to your daddy ego, but it's what happens. The older they get, the more social they become, and sadly enough, not with us.

Have you looked into a support group for fathers? Call your local Department of Social Services or your Town Hall and ask if they can direct you. There are many dads floating in your boat and it's nice to hear their stories. You may even meet a buddy to hang out with, you know, maybe bowling, hunting, poker, a few drinks, who knows.

Watch what you Google by the way and watch what you say in front of people. If someone got wind of you wanting to kill yourself and blabbed it to your X, you would probably be looking at the inside of a rubber room, never mind seeing your kids for quite a while.

Parents should never pit one against the other. This is why you need to get yourself to family court. The little ones only know what they are told or what they over hear. One parent can totally poison a childs young mind, it's sooo wrong.
First things first, right?
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