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this is probability a stupid question
but is it unhealthy for me to still blame myself for my girl... REALLY close friends death

as the title says...
its been over 16 years and i still blame myself for my friends death
everytime i wake up i think of her, everytime i do something it reminds me of her, everytime look in the mirror i get flashbacks of the good times we had... and i picture what happened...

i was not to blame. parents, paramedics, police other friends all kept telling me i was not to blame for what happened
(what happened) was my friend pushed me out of the way of a oncoming van, she got hit saving me and bleed to death internally in my arms).

so yeah... everyone says I'm not to blame but i know i am...
at the top says its a stupid question... but am i right to blame myself ?, is it unhealthy for me to keep blaming myself?

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what you have been going through is really deep extreme emotional depths. Your friend loved you and was heroic. There is no way in the split second that your friend pushed you out the way, you could have pushed her out the way. It's humanly impossible.

The blame - did you blame yourself for bad things going wrong as a child? Parents divorced or trauma there, that is coming out in this incident? You can get free therapy on the NHS. Only 7 sessions but it gives you the standard building block to build from and does help. I've had it as have many others I know.
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