Im 24 from London and have been smoking since i was about 18. Although only heavily for the last 3 years since i got my own place. (heavily being pretty much every day, from when i get home from work until late). With occassional few days breaks. 

I knew i started developing a problem with weed when i started making it a priority, over family, friends and my girlfriend. Stuff like leaving drinks with work guys to go home and smoke on my own... Or turning down offers to go out because id rather smoke. I never saw a problem with this as i do not enjoy drinking, so this was kind of my replacement :/

Ive had paranoia and lack of trust that grew in me over the last year or two. Ive also been extremely down for quite a while now. Whether i smoke or not. The weed kind of used to help, but the more i think about it the more i realise it didnt help at all. When my girlfriend went to Thailand for over a month i pretty much smoked myself into a coma :/. Which made me forget to a point... but then started to think horrible sh** and seemed to cause distance between us when she returned. 

The dependance on the bud to eat and sleep has seriously affected me. 

I have no appetite without it, at all really. Although strangely if i force myself to eat quite early in the morning then its a little better throughout the day. 

My girlfriend is someone who really enjoys going out for meals etc, but its got to the point of when i think about going out for meals with people etc i am filled with such bad anxiety and panic attacks tend to happen.

Almost happening right now thinking about going for uncles birthday meal tonight :(

As i say i have been feeling really deflated and down for a long time now, many have described me as having depression but i dont really want to label it like that. I have seen my doctor but they dont seem too interested. I said i dont want antidepressants. 

My girlfriend and i are on the cusp of breaking up. We dont talk anymore at all, and i can feel my feelings for her gradually crumbling away. She just got back from a trip to south america. While she was away i went into quite a spiral of smoking. Which just makes the situation between me and her so much worse. But its gotten to the point where i feel like ive sabotaged my own relationship and upset her so much. Things arent really recoverable...

I work a lot of night shifts and my housemates are rarely at home, so i spend a lot of time on my own. Thinking quite a lot etc. Well, its not thinking, its neurotic obsessing and stressing :(. Things like state of the economy in the west... its taken over my life, i want to learn more and more and try and change this sh*tty system.. But it also feels like im concentrating hard on this to try and forget about all the stuff going on with my girlfriend :(


I realise the best thing for me to do is to quit completly and never touch the stuff again. But it has become quite a powerful coping mechanism and it quite literally seems to solve all my problems, at least temporarily, then theyre back and far worse.. :(. And dare i say it, i do still enjoy it occassionally, in the right setting etc. I cant seem to restrict myself to just those times.

I just feel incredibly weak.