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I am about 40 and my wife is about 33. We have 2 beautiful kids (8 and 5). A year of 2 after the 2nd, i told  my wife that that was it! I didn't want another child; i am done. I told her i was going to get a vasectomy. She was furious! Saying why am i deciding for her!! She wanted more obviously. I told her i was done and that i didn't want to go behind her back and do the vasectomy without her knowing. She said i have to wait so that she can get ready in her mind the fact that we won't have kids anymore. I respected that. I said OK, let's wait, talk about it.... I also said that if there is an "accident", we will have to terminate the pregnancy otherwise the safest was is the vasectomy. She told me to wait until she's ready to give up (in her mind). My mind was made up. It was clear that i don't want any more children and in case of pregnancy, termination was the solution. She never said anything about the termination.
Having experienced what happened with our current kids (all unplanned), i didn't want to go thru that again. I was done, was going to concentrate on those we have. Furthermore, we don't have money.
A year ago, we bought a house and paying our mortgage is tough. We have big debt. We just can't afford another one.
OK. Now you saw it coming, right? 3 days ago, she told me she was pregnant! I don't know what to do! She knew i didn't want another one. Now she is saying she's keeping it. I mean, i respected her when she asked me to wait until she was ready in her mind...i didn't want to go behind her back and do the vasectomy and now she's saying she can't terminate it; that she never believed in that; that she would never do it. I mentioned that many times but she never said anything about termination. If i knew she was against it, i would have done the vasectomy.
You can imagine this is going to affect our relationship and the fact that i don't want another child.
I don't know what to do. it's like what ever i say, she shrugs off. I mean, i trusted her, i did everything she asked, she knew i didn't want any more kids, she knew about the termination, yet she never mentioned she wouldn't do it. That was the only reason i was waiting for her...so that I (we) can do this "together". i feel i've been used. I am not sure if she's going to change her mind...but i feel used.
Please don't judge me about me not wanting more kids of considering termination. But this is a situation i am in now and don't know what to do. What am i going to do? We can't afford another one and the fact that i feel used.

James

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James,

I'm glad to hear that you didn't want to go behind your wife's back and get a vasectomy done. Not many men would do that. I think you need to take your wife to counseling and let her know in front of someone else how you feel. As for the baby, I agree with your wife on terminating pregnancies. What I would do is let her have it, but put it up for adoption. There are thousands of women out there who would love to have a child but are unable to. That might be your best bet. I know you're going through financial troubles right now, but even if you got a trusted friend to mediate for you, that would be good too. Nobody judges you for not wanting any more kids. You already have 2, and that's a lot for some men (my husband included). I think you should tell your wife you're having the vasectomy done, and that you want to see a mediator or a counselor or someone to talk between the two of you about what you're going to do about this child. And you need to make sure that neither of you are angry when you go in to decide, because you won't get anything solved if even just one of you is angry.

I hope your wife understands.

Jenn
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Thank you Jenn for your input.
I think though adoption is out of the question. What i am struggling with now is that I told my wife that there were 2 options, vasectomy or termination. I really don't want another one. She told me to wait for her and i did. I didn't wanna hurt her and wanted to consider her feelings. She never mentioned she was against the termination; I was always under the impression she knows what's going to follow. Now i am feeling stupid that i didn't go ahead and have the vasectomy! See, i always thought that as long as i am honest with my wife, i will always be safe. I was advised by many many many... men to go ahead and take control for my choices and have a vasectomy whether she knows or doesn't. They've done it too. I kinda felt proud of myself that i first went to my wife and be honest with her. I always told those guys that they should tell their wives and try to do it "together" coz it might hurt their spouses. Now, you can imagine what i am feeling. It's like i will never get over this. The trust...it's going to destroy our family...certainly those other guys will tell me "i told you so!"...and i can't say they are wrong; i should have done it.
But still, i don't want another child; that's another problem; i really don't! I can't go to work, i am not eating well, no sleep...i have never been disappointed in my life. Even if we seek counseling, i think this will always hang over us...This hurts! it's hurting bad!
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first sorry sometimes i make english mistakes when i write....

wouw! no words! cannot react on abortion though...but have to say few men (I know) can do what you did. James, thanks for respecting your wife evenif i sense you are very affected byit. I just hope your wife understands how you feel and that you make a decision together (if you haven't done it yet).

I am pretty a straight forward person...i can try anything...So i once did something that hurt my husband. Wait...i didn't cheat!!!! He was in tears; not like us but more with anger and disappointment. It was something that definetely was going to break our mariage, no question. And i was something he had to deal with and take responsibility for me! Do you know what i did? i confensed in front of family and closest friends! They all took it like a joke but he knew i was confensing...that's how i saved my mariage. it was suggested to me by a psycologist...just to try! it worked. So i hope your wife can relate to that. For the pregnancy...both way, is fine with me as long as you do it together. otherwise, that child will be reminding both of you how you got it. I remember how my mum and dad used to fight on how they didn't want my little sister...she still remembers it. it's fine though but never goes away....Anyway, i would go for the discussion and to me terminate or keeping woud be OUR decision. By the way, i have 3 kids. would like 4 (have means) but he doesn't. again i am straigh forward and would do both ways if necessary. but that's me. that's why i took all precausions...by taking him get a vacectomy (can you imagine...me taking him to the doctor...he didn't even know it!). it is understandable you might be feeling she used you but there is no way you can know...discussion guys...discussion...agree on what to do and do it. easy to say then done; i know. THis one is not easy.

Good luck both!

PS: i was about to remove my experience above (it is usuful for the woman no the man)...but am keeping it in for others.

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