married, 2 kids, but don't want this pregnancy

James,

Thank you Jenn for your input.
I think though adoption is out of the question. What i am struggling with now is that I told my wife that there were 2 options, vasectomy or termination. I really don't want another one. She told me to wait for her and i did. I didn't wanna hurt her and wanted to consider her feelings. She never mentioned she was against the termination; I was always under the impression she knows what's going to follow. Now i am feeling stupid that i didn't go ahead and have the vasectomy! See, i always thought that as long as i am honest with my wife, i will always be safe. I was advised by many many many... men to go ahead and take control for my choices and have a vasectomy whether she knows or doesn't. They've done it too. I kinda felt proud of myself that i first went to my wife and be honest with her. I always told those guys that they should tell their wives and try to do it "together" coz it might hurt their spouses. Now, you can imagine what i am feeling. It's like i will never get over this. The trust...it's going to destroy our family...certainly those other guys will tell me "i told you so!"...and i can't say they are wrong; i should have done it.
But still, i don't want another child; that's another problem; i really don't! I can't go to work, i am not eating well, no sleep...i have never been disappointed in my life. Even if we seek counseling, i think this will always hang over us...This hurts! it's hurting bad!

first sorry sometimes i make english mistakes when i write....

wouw! no words! cannot react on abortion though...but have to say few men (I know) can do what you did. James, thanks for respecting your wife evenif i sense you are very affected byit. I just hope your wife understands how you feel and that you make a decision together (if you haven't done it yet).

I am pretty a straight forward person...i can try anything...So i once did something that hurt my husband. Wait...i didn't cheat!!!! He was in tears; not like us but more with anger and disappointment. It was something that definetely was going to break our mariage, no question. And i was something he had to deal with and take responsibility for me! Do you know what i did? i confensed in front of family and closest friends! They all took it like a joke but he knew i was confensing...that's how i saved my mariage. it was suggested to me by a psycologist...just to try! it worked. So i hope your wife can relate to that. For the pregnancy...both way, is fine with me as long as you do it together. otherwise, that child will be reminding both of you how you got it. I remember how my mum and dad used to fight on how they didn't want my little sister...she still remembers it. it's fine though but never goes away....Anyway, i would go for the discussion and to me terminate or keeping woud be OUR decision. By the way, i have 3 kids. would like 4 (have means) but he doesn't. again i am straigh forward and would do both ways if necessary. but that's me. that's why i took all precausions...by taking him get a vacectomy (can you imagine...me taking him to the doctor...he didn't even know it!). it is understandable you might be feeling she used you but there is no way you can know...discussion guys...discussion...agree on what to do and do it. easy to say then done; i know. THis one is not easy.

Good luck both!

PS: i was about to remove my experience above (it is usuful for the woman no the man)...but am keeping it in for others.

First, my most positive contribution to this conversation, one that I'm surprised nobody mentioned up until now. Just how important it is that a couple come to agreement on some issues before they decide to marry. In this case the number of children you intend to have. Part of that is to be honest about what each one wants. This is no time to give your potential life partner the answer you think they want to hear. This same rule applies to discussing vasectomy, abortion and giving up the "too many" children for adoption. James made no mention of what understanding he and his girlfriend, now wife, had on these issues, so I don't know if they just didn't bother with these potentially stressful discussions, or he had since changed his mind or she had changed her mind, or somebody lied. But now he seems to have covered all the bases and there is no room for compromise. If I was James having that discussion with my girlfriend, I would have said, "I want 2 children, no more. Once our second child is born and healthy, I will have a vasectomy. If you find this unacceptable, then we both better start looking foe another potential spouse." (And, I would follow through with it.) As I said above, this is no time for her to say "OK" while intending to go for 3+ children.
I have an issue with the wife being absolutely against her husband getting a vasectomy. It is cutting into the scrotum and cutting the tubes that deliver the sperm to the prostate. A month or so after the operation, you wouldn't even be able to find the scar. The way she was so adamantly against it, you'd think they were sterilizing her or the doctor was going to wrap his hand around the husband's penis and testicles, pull it away from his body and run a butcher's knife his hand and the husband's body. The wife's reason for opposing a vasectomy sounds like she was just giving him a line of BS so she would still have the option of having another baby with him.
Reading what James has to say makes me think that, not only is English not James primary language, but he isn't an American. (Not that there is anything wrong with that") The language is a little strange, therefore hard to follow, but he uses the word "termination" multiple times but never uses the word "abortion". In America, "abortion" would be the word of choice followed by the phrase, "termination of pregnancy". "Termination" used by itself sounds like the speaker is trying so sidestep the meaning.
This last point may seem almost hypocritical, coming from someone who contributed the longest piece of this discussion. James should have given his piece a critical read before hitting "Publish". I could have gotten his point across in much less space than he used. The way his piece was so long made him look whiny. It's not a good look for someone we know nothing else about.