My 13 years old girl is sexually active

Love ya Claire!!!! My little Grasshopper! ;-)

Out of the mouth of babes honey! You have two sides - a young girl's perspective and a mothers - who went through the same pain! So try and listen to both honey!

Dear Readers,
Thank you so much for all your moral support. Especially, you Claire, a 16 years old giving a 32 years old woman parenting tips. I guest we can never know it all. I really appreciate it and hoping one day my daughter will be mature like. Some people make mistakes and learn nothing from it. I admire young girl like you who make mistake and learn something from it. You failed and you rised up, just like i did. No word will be enough to tell you guys how much I appreciate it your support. I have being sleeping and sleeping for the whole day and each time I checked my inbox, I found a message from you guys and I stopped crying. The hope that you guys give me especially you Bambi, I don't think a friend or a family member will give me the same. They will be more judgemental than any helpfull. Thank you so much for being there for me during this journey. I can tell you this, it's not easy to overcome. I promise you, I will try my best. I may need sometime to recover, but I will try.

By the way, do you think I should take my daughter to counselling? I really don't know how I will be able to face her right now. Thanks again.

We ALL know why she did it honey! You don't need a counsellor to tell you why! I KNOW you are mad we have gone through this! BUT now I'm changing the tune - to be more about your daughter! Think for 1 second how she feels about ALL of this! She has been "Sexually assaulted by choice!" What I mean is that she HAD to do this to survive at school! So she chose to be used - not knowing for 1 SECOND what it would feel like to loose the ultimate gift to someone that doesn't give one IOTTA about her! You remember that AWFUL feeling of being DIRTY! Being repulsed at the sight of yourself in the mirror! Showering as much as you can to get the memory washed away! Feeling like EVERYONE knows, and on top of it all now her own mother HATING her for basically choosing the lesser of the 2 evils in a teenagers life! You are rightly devestated that she lost her virginity! BUT I dare say that you would be FAR more devestated IF she committed suicide from the bullying or turned to booze and drugs to "escape" the pressures of school! Or ran away etc etc etc! She is 13! Hardly a woman or old enough to make GOOD JUDGEMENT CALLS! It hasn't been that long ago that you too were 13 and ALL the pressures of the world were on you! Granted your circumstances were different! BUT ALL teenagers regardless of where they are from, have the SAME choices! And it's not much of a choice is it? Have sex OR SUFFER the consequences for untold amount of time! It is an awful situation to be in! And it is a hard enough position to be in for an adult never mind a YOUNG teenager - who's brain isn't still matured yet! When we went to parenting counselling we were told that a teenage brain has a smaller and underdeveloped frontal lobe - thus them being over emotional and making stupid rash decisions! And this starts happening at 13 - my youngest sons teachers call it "13 year brain" All of a sudden they are using words like "HUH?!!!!" "SORRY WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" etc. And they live for the moment not for the future! And your daughter wanted to survive RIGHT NOW! And according to everyone else "It's NO BIG DEAL" There are younger girls that give oral sex, and collect different colored wrist bands for ALL that they do!!! It is INSANE! And you HAVE to wake up and look at the world the way it is for ALL teenagers right now! It is Sinful and Callous and Harsh! And teenagers need to do what they can to survive it! And you CAN'T keep blaming her for trying to survive honey! Because you did the EXACT same thing! You DID what you NEEDED TO DO TO SURVIVE!

I want you to do this I want you to ask her to come into the living room - no tv no distractions and sit her across from you! And just wait, wait to see what she does or says! I have a feeling she will break apart, and go down to square one! And THIS is when you NEED to become her mother again! And guide her and talk to her! And tell her how this has made you feel, BUT you have to show her that she is loved! Because right now with what she has been through and your reactions too her, she feels like something on the bottom of your shoe! And IF you want to be the victor and make her suffer, just keep on doing what you are doing, and you MIGHT just get your initial wish - and have NO daughter - as she will leave or worse! And there is NOTHING worse than loosing your child NOTHING! And there are MILLIONS of mothers and fathers out there right now who would give their right arm to have their child PHYSICALLY here, making a mistake! Instead of visiting their grave or bedroom that is immaculately preserved - since they left!

So mom to mom I want you to listen to me about what I'm about to say! You may be PISSED more than you ever have in your life! Your heart is broken from the dissapointment! BUT This "Pain" you are in right now is NOTHING compared to loosing your daughter for good - no matter what reason! And you have to remember this that this is NOT the worst thing that can happen! Life WILL go on, and she will learn from this and IF she doesn't then it's HER cross to bare! When my son was in jail and I couldn't see him or talk to him I started realizing that This COULD be IT! And IF he had kept on down the road he was on! There would come a point where I would NEVER be able to talk to him or hug him AGAIN! So that separation made me realize that I HAD to suck it up, fight for him, and accept his mistakes as HIS mistakes and move on! And THAT is EXACTLY what we have done! We have moved on from that and I STILL HAVE MY CHILD! Because no matter what you say RIGHT NOW! You HAVE to be careful that this doesn't continue OR you just might get your "Wish" And it can NEVER be taken back! So take a breathe, forgive, and work it out TOGETHER! You CAN'T keep punishing her for what you did too! And even IF you didn't have to endure what you did, there HAS to be some sort of forgiveness for her "STUPIDITY!" And that's what it was, she wasn't trying to hurt you, she REALLY hurt herself! And she is REALLY hurting now! So are you going to leave her hearbroken - which will leave you heartbroken too!? OR are you going to show here what REAL adults do and suck it up and move on?

Dear Reader,
While I was looking through my notes and I find a note my daughter wrote me on September 12, 2010 and Just would like to share it with you.

"up in the clouds i hear an angel i wonder who it is and its you. looking upon me on everything i do .for me not to take the wrong path in life. you guide me to the right things in life its you i need my angel looking upon me i can never let you go when i say that i hate you i dont think about what say i just say it and i dont mean it. i need you in my life i never want to let you go even if its your time to go u will always be in my heart or if i can i just might die for you. my angel when ever u need me or need to tell me something you just let me know im always here fo you just the way you are for me."

It's killing me right to see this!

Do you think that what she has said in the past is all a lie? Just because she has made a mistake, doesn't mean those words aren't true. You probably are her idol, she can still look up to you and want to be like you. She still appreciates everything, and can still strive for an awesome future and still have goals in life. She doesn't have to have a hard life to want those things for herself. She just had sex! She is still a good kid!

I'm going to say something, and I might be way off in this, and let me know if I am! Did your mom have a hard life for herself? She probably did as did you. Your mom probably had hopes and dreams for you, and didn't want your life to be hard like hers was. She, like you do, wanted better for her daughter. You decided to have sex at a young age, and got pregnant, with clearly someone you didn't care all that much for and he wasn't the best of guys I take it, otherwise your daughter would have had him in her life. Your moms dreams were probably shattered! She probably did not want that for you! But she got over it and loved you non the less and helped you to raise your daughter. She was still there for you and stood by you and guided you. And you needed that! You made a mistake, and you learned from it, and you needed guidance and support! Your daughter, made a mistake, and she needs your guidance and support!

Tell her you love her, and hold her! Talk to her! Its hard being a teen! You get pressured all the time into things, its really hard! Everyone talks about sex all the time, you think everyone is doing it except for you. You hear all kinds of things! I unfortunately just thought that, that's what your suppose to do, that if a guy wanted it then you just kind of go with it. Here, let me tell you just how bad it is out there. When I was 14, this girl I knew was having a birthday party and invited me. I was only really close to like 3 of the girls there, the other ones I could care less about and didn't really talk to them, but whatever. So there were guys at this party too. And then some of them were talking about playing a game called "rainbow". I was totally clueless as to what that was, but found out fast! So anyways, I was panicking! And I didn't want to be there anymore! But I couldn't really leave, and I know my one friend didn't really want to do it either but she just went with it. So I didn't want to be the only loser there and not do anything, because everyone would have started to say things about me. And they were pressuring me, and the guys would of said how I did nothing, because that's what happened to one girl and everyone just laughed at her, so I just went with it. I hated myself after! I felt disgusting, and I didn't get how everyone was okay with it, and I thought something was like wrong with me. Like bambi said, you don't really have much of a choice!

Again, she didn't do this to hurt you or make you feel like you failed, she hasn't lied to you about loving you and being your role model and appreciating you. She is still your daughter and she still needs you and she needs to know what to do the next time she is pushed. Help her to not let it happen again!

Your all Psyco... o.O

Sex happens, and your "No longer Daughter" oh seems like you dont care for her after all... She does one little thing, she had sex, and she told you. Imagine how many Teens dont tell there parents and end up, knocked up. "Oh hey mom, I got knocked up." Then what would you had done? you need to make sure she doesnt have anything %-) not "Drop here in a forest somewhere" thats consider child abuse....

Dear Claire,
You maybe wrong about this part, but thank you. "You decided to have sex at a young age, and got pregnant, with clearly someone you didn't care all that much for and he wasn't the best of guys I take it, otherwise your daughter would have had him in her life". You can't compare my life story with that of my daughter. However, we live in two different world, time and Culture, honey! Being young might be a contested term in many culture. When you from a country where 70% if not 80% living in less than a $1 a day, your parents do not have much choose than to 'sell' (meaning make you married a man for the well being of the family) you by other means at a very young age. For them, it is the only way out. Have you ever heard of marriage arrangement? In the village where I came from, 18 does not consider young to them. Think about it at 13, I had to work to support my sublings and myself. By the time I was 15, I was an already an adult who was able to take care my entire family from siblings to relatives and friends. At 16, I was already working for my government as a professional. I understand your point, but dear let's not compare my life with that of my daughter, cause mine is a mistery. Enough story to write a book. I can tell you right now, I am 32 years old, sometime I feel so old maybe it because, I had to struggle at a very young age. Was married young, had my daughter at 19, her father died before she was even born. When I am talking about 'victime' or not making the same mistake as me. I am referring to the society that I was brought into. The struggle of young girl and women who have to sell their body in other to survive. The struggle of young woman who have to become the property of a man in other to eat. I just did not want to daughter to be a victim of that society, that was the reason why as fast as I can to not let grow up. I fight to give her a life that I didn't have. A life where she does not have to be forced to do things. That was the same reason why I taught her every single day about life, people, men and so on. I raised my daughter to be strong, confident and proud. I raised my daughter to be a leader, not a follower. That is why I feel that I failed and don't really know which part.

Thanks again Claire, I really admire your strenght, hope one day that my daughter will be as strong as you now. God Bless

I apologize for being way off! And you didn't fail as a parent! And your daughter didn't fail either! She made a choice, one that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. Again, kind of like bambi said, no matter where you come from and what you have in life, you are always going to have some sort of struggles, always! You had a tough life, and to you, you might see your daughters life as the best ever and so easy. But to her, who never experienced your life, she might find it hard and difficult. And you can wonder how her life can be like that, but she never had what you had, so to her, it might be hard. Even the strongest people break at times. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. People learn from it and grow, and it makes them who they are. You need to help her pick herself back up and find the right path again, not leaving her in shambles. Because, she is only 13! She is still your baby! And she still needs you and always will, and shes going to look to you at what to do next. Be careful with what you do an say, because you may push her away and she will shut down and then the next time something happens she might not go to you, and you may loose a great relationship with her and you might never get that back!

My parents were never there for me, they broke me apart with things they would do and say. I lost a relationship with them that I will never have! Stuff happened to me and I was completely lost. And there was nothing more then I wanted, and still want, then to be loved and have my parents there for me. Don't let that happen! You want her to be able to go to you, and your lucky she did! You want to help her, you want to see her finish school and go to university like you said. You want to be close with her and have fun with her. And see her get married and have a family. Do you not? So make that happen then.

Unfortunately, shes her own person, and shes going to make her own decision and choices in life. You cannot control what she does. So, yes she is growing up and your going to have to let your baby go a little. Shes going to have to find herself, and you just hope you did everything right and taught her everything to come out okay. Shes a teen now, and let me give you a little insight to being a teen! You don't want to be told what to do! XD Your going to fight and make your parents lives a little difficult, because someone that use to listen, no longer will all the time. How do you overcome it? Let her make choices! lol It works well, believe me, makes you feel a little in control! Which is what we want of course! For instance! Like with homework or being home at a certain time, give her two choices of what time so she can pick. As a teen, you might say you can do everything on your own, but really we can't! And as much as we say we don't need you or your help, we really do and secretly want it, yeah its confusing! We want some privacy! We want and need to be told were loved and doing things right!

Don't let one mistake, break the two of you apart. You still have your daughter, so be grateful everyday for her, realizes all the good things about her!

What exactly, if you don't mind me asking, have you said to her about all of this and done? And what has she expressed and done? And how did you find out she was having sex, like what made her tell you?

Hi Im teenmom17 I guess you can tell by my screen name I am a teen mother. First of all I would like to say I was ask to come and respond on this as well. I have read and read this post and my heart has broken and tears have fallen everytime I read this. I understand your upset but to throw your daughter out is a big mistake I think you would make as a parent. When my dad found out I was pregnant at (15) years old he kicked me out. Yes the father of the child has stuck around and I am married have been for 2 years almost 3. I am 18 my hubby is 19 and my son will be 2 next month. It is hard and for my parent to not be there for me and help me and just through me out was the worst mistake he ever made. I didnt talk to him the whole time I was pregnant. But he did show up when I had my son and he was supportive then bc there was a child involved. He did also sign for me to get married a few months before my son was born but that was the only time I saw him. He came and signed the papers and then left without even a goodbye. My mom and I were never close but she stood by me the whole entire time and didnt judge me at all. She knew what I was going through bc she had me when she was young not as young as me of course but in her teens. So I can tell you that a mothers love and understanding is better than a father MOst of the time but not always. So NO OFFENSE to the fathers out there. But mine was saying I was a disgrace and a w**** do you know how hard that was ecspecially in a small town where everyone knows your business. I had sex, I had a child, I got married. All of this at 15 and 16 years old. Its hard now as it is having a child. But my point is your daughter needs her MOTHER and a friend. Maybe the reason she did what she did is bc she didnt feel appreciated at home or she just wanted to be loved. Most young girls will say that is the reason they do what they do. But most of the time its just bc there friends are doing it. Like I have told many other young girls, PEER PRESSURE thats all it is. And they will say no way I wont fall into peer pressure but you do it and dont even realize it. She needs you as a mother Mam not just an adult that she lives with. You need to let her know that shge can talk to you and be open with you about things. She needs to be able to tell you things and you not blow up. She is not just a WOMAN now she is still your child. I helped raise my little sisters I was liek there mother and now I see my suister having sex doing drugs and drinking at 16 years old I want to just slap her and tell her "hey wake up", "this is not what you want" Go to school, do things for yourself and do it right. Please dont kick your daughter out please try to understand her and talk to her. Because if you both get angry you will either kick her out or she will leave and you both will regret it in the long run. I really hope this helps and I appreciate them asking me to come here even though it has taken me a few days to figure out what to say. And of course everythign I had planned to say is not on here its totally different but I have to speak honestly and follow my heart on this situation. I hope you two the best in your life and your problem you are BOTH trying to deal with.

Dear Claire and Teenmom17,
I would like to thank you both for taken your time to writing me. I Can't believe I have to sit there reading some young girls note...:-) I guest as adult we can't never know it all. Life is a learning experience. To answer to both your questions, my daughter did not do it because she didn't feel loved. She did it because, she's a follow, not a leader. Thanks girls

Your welcome hun. Thats what I was talking about with the peer pressure I see my little sister as a follower also she hangs with the drug addicts so therefor she does whatever they do so they will ike her more. I hope everything goes well with the both of you. And I wasnt trying to be harsh with my earlier post I just hurt when I see stuff like this bc I myself have been in your daughters place and I understand and as mother, even though my son is only young I understand the mother position too. As I hope my son doesnt do these things and follow mine and my husbands (his fathers) footsteps. Wish you look hun to you and your daughter.

Thank you hon

I posted yesterday, but it must have not taken! I was wondering how things are going between you and your daughter?

Dear Bambi,
It's great to hear from you. I am just hanging in there. I think my body did not react it to it too well. I am still in pain. Now, I have being Having Chest Pain for the past of a week. I try to deal with it. Step by Step, but it's not easy. I am planning on talking her to see an OB/GYN and try to put her one Birth Control. If her friend told her to do it and did it meaning that she can do it again. So I really don't want to deal with teenage prenancy. Since she is going to High School in September, so I will send her to Boarding school. Maybe, the boarding may have a better parenting system than I do. I am gonna send her away. Thanks a lot for checking. I will definitely keep you posted on things. Hope all is well with you and your Boys.

Dear Bambi, It's great to hear from you. I am just hanging in there. I think my body did not react it to it too well. I am still in pain. Now, I have being Having Chest Pain for the past of a week. I try to deal with it. Step by Step, but it's not easy. I am planning on talking her to see an OB/GYN and try to put her one Birth Control. If her friend told her to do it and did it meaning that she can do it again. So I really don't want to deal with teenage pregnancy. Since she is going to High School in September, so I will send her to Boarding school. Maybe, the boarding may have a better parenting system than I do. I am gonna send her away. Thanks a lot for checking. I will definitely keep you posted on things. Hope all is well with you and your Boys.