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i'm really in a bind. i found out in early January 2011 that my daughter had sex with a 20+ yo guy at OUR house sometime in september 2010. she broke down & told me about it cos she said she felt bad keeping it from me. we have always been close - which was such a disappointment to me cos i have warned her again & again & again on the implications & consequences of having pre-marital sex at such a young age, such as STD, pregnancy, her reputation at school, etc, the WORKS, & to find out that she did it anyway, was just heartbreaking :-( i just couldn't face her after that, & even though i still love her, something inside me is broken & i don't know if that can be fixed.




anyway, following that, she tells me that everyone in school knows about it, & sometimes they give her a hard time with their comments, gestures, sarcastic remarks, calling her sl**, wh***, etc, to which i always tell her, well, it's already been done, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions, & you still have to go to school no matter what. i give her my pep talks, (which gets more & more often where she'll repeat her same fears & anxieties, & i repeat the same advice) & give her ideas on what to say or react to the people who made the offensive remarks, to rally her to face another day of school the next day.




I thought i could keep it all under control, you know, continuing to be there for her, listening to her, give her strength, but i know that deep down inside, she noticed that the boys' attentions towards her are all different now. before, they were all flirty & will talk to her nicely & politely, & she even had a few crushes & went steady with those boys just in school, but after the incident, she noticed that they're no longer as nice or polite to her anymore. their comments are always very crude, like, "why don't you want to f*** me? hey, b*** me! what's another d***?" well, you know what i mean, & i think that crushed her & made her always regret over what has happened even more.




she even said to me a few times, "no boy will ever want me now, mom..." & started crying, & i had to tell her that she's only 13, now's not the time to even think of having a boyfriend, she should concentrate on her studies instead of worrying about stuff like this, to direct her focus on more important things, but you know, teens being teens, she can't help realising the difference in the boys' approach to her now, compared to then. initially, the boys wanted to get to know her, now they only want to have sex with her & because she's already done it, they felt that they should get a chance to have it with her as well! & again & again, i will tell her, she has to move on, she can't keep wishing for the past, the deed has already been done, now it's time to move forward & deal with it. looking back & wishing for the past will not help her.




after the pep talks, she seems ok, & continues going to school everyday but i know i've lost my happy & carefree little girl. there's always a tinge of sadness to the way she looks now, she will look at her facebook photos & she has created an invisible time line, will tell me sadly " see Mom, these pics are before the incident, & these pics are of me after the incident. see how innocent i looked in the old pics. i can't look like that anymore, cos people are gonna laugh at me for pretending to be innocent, because i'm not..."




If it's any help, the reason why she called that 20yo guy over after school one day was because she told me that she broke off with one of her so-called crushes in school, & she felt sad & miserable & lost & needed to feel wanted, validated, to know that she was still pretty, etc, & that's why she called the guy over - she didn't even know him. they got to know each other through facebook. after that they never contacted each other again. she even told me that it was such a bad experience that she didn't even want to see the guy again.




i told her amidst my torrent of tears & disappointed hopes that being sad was a stupid reason to give her virginity to someone whom she didn't even know, etc, she regrets it & remorseful about it, & has tried to make amends by being a good girl, keeping to curfew, doing her household chores, homework, etc.




Throughout all this i have kept it from my husband cos, well, he's a very strict person with a strong sense of what's wrong or right, & he's always disagreed with the more "open" way i deal with my daughter. he will not take this lightly. i do not want him to hate my daughter, & start mistrusting her, & giving her a hard time, which i know he is capable of doing. he is already very strict & will easily flip if my daughter were to forget any chores or did not listen to what he tells her to do, so i wanted to protect her. & selfishly, perhaps i wanted to protect myself as well, cos i know he will put the blame on me for not taking care of her better.




Anyway, to make a long story short, i've been noticing the listlessness in my daughter lately, she's always sad, very quiet, withdrawn, & always try to find excuses about wanting to go to school late, which i suspect so that she would not have to face the taunts from her schoolmates. she used to stay back in school to do homework with her friends, but lately, she's been coming back early from school to do her homework at home. & last night, she was crying herself to sleep again. i didn't know what to do. i still don't know what to do. apart from the pep talks that i give to fire her up so that she'll have strength to go to school, i don't know what else i can do. so i suggested that perhaps she should talk to the school counsellor, perhaps to have a different perspective on the whole thing, & i figured the school counseller would surely have dealt with such matters before, then maybe she could give better advice. i didn't want my daughter to feel so sad & so discouraged that her studies would be affected.




This morning, my daughter went to see the counsellor & i received a call from her. The counsellor told me that since it is an offence under the law to have sex with a minor, she is therefore bound by the law & the school to report the matter to the police. She told me that if i don't report the matter with my daughter, she will bring my daughter to the police & make the report. i am in a fix. on the one hand, i know that this was something that i should have done when my daughter first told me about it, but on the other hand, i thought the circumstances were just too suspect, i mean, she invited the guy over, she knew what was going to happen, etc, & if it were to happen that we would have to meet the guy face to face, i didn't want the guy to say something like, "your daughter was the sl** calling me over, & now you're blaming me?" but the Counsellor told me that as she was only 13, she's the victim here, she was young & impressionable, whereas i knew that she did what she did because she was sad about the break up with the school crush.




i accepted that & hence i really did try to get her to move past it. & besides, i didn't want it to get blown out of proportion. we live in a very small community where everyone is bound to know everyone, just like how her schoolmates found out about her having sex with that 20yo guy. it seems that some of the senior boys in her school knew the guy, who had bragged about doing my daughter!




my problem now is i do not know how to break this to my hubby. he already doesn't trust my daughter much (over something that happened in the past which i will not get into now) & this would be like a death knell for her. he'll be so disappointed in her, angry & will never trust her again. but i know i have to tell him. there's not a doubt. my daugther has since been begging me not tell her dad because of the reasons i've stated above, but i told her i can't keep this away from him, because he is going to find out sooner or later, when i start having to go to the police station & go for medical checkups with her, etc, still my daughter is begging me not to. the Counsellor has assured me that my husband doesn't need to know, cos if at all, the investigating officer will only be contacting me, but i find that too simplistic. my husband will know, & he will be even angrier when he finds out that i've been keeping it away from him. my mind's all muddled. should i tell my husband or not? & if yes, how? pls help :-(

btw i'm sorry if my post doesn't seem to have paragraphs, i've entered the paragraphs but somehow they don't show on the preview

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Don 't tell your husband.
If you daughter confided in you, that's enough. You don't have to share all the details or any of it with your hubby..unless she is pregant or infected and needs treatment.

As far as the other boys knowing or repeating the accusation, unless your daughter confirms it, it remains only a rumor. Tell her to keep her mouth shut.

Second, assure your daughter that she is not "damaged goods"...
and that man men prefer an experienced mate. There is no "seal of approval" nor "virginity proof" that exists these days.

Good luck.
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thank you Kevin. i've been up half the night worrying & wondering what to do. over the weekend my daughter has told me that she has no wish whatsoever of reporting the matter to the police. she felt after the talk with the counsellor, she is recalling the incidents even more clearly & she would rather forget about the incident because it brought up all the unpleasant memories. she realises that she just doesn't want to have to repeat it to the police cos then she would have to recall each & every detail even more & will remember it more. i have informed her to inform the Counsellor that she doesn't want to make the police report & if the Counsellor insists, to let her speak to me.

i think my daughter would rather forget this mess & move on. it has already been about 6 months since the incident & to re-hash it to the police would mean going through it all over again for her. the reason why she went to the Counsellor was to get ideas on how to deal with the taunts at school, how to move on from the incident, etc. she said if she knew that the Counsellor would insist on reporting the matter to the police, she wouldn't have told her. & that's what i felt too. i only wanted her to get fresh perspectives on the whole matter from the Counsellor as i believed the Counsellor would be in the best position to give relevant feedback & advice as surely she would have dealt with such matters before. But the Counsellor had informed me that she was bound under the law & the school rules to report the matter to the police. i told my daughter to refuse to go to the police station with the Counsellor come Monday, i mean, i don't think she would be forced to report the matter, unless of course, the Counsellor does it on her own accord & get the investigating officer to contact me to force me to make the report. but that's another set of problem that i'd hv to deal with later.

as for my daughter not confirming the rumour, well, i think it's too late for that now cos i believe her close friends who knew about the matter have already spread it around. i guess i can tell her to keep her mouth shut from now on but don't know how much that would help. i guess it's just something that she has to deal with.

thank you again, kevin. if i am compelled to make the police report as it may be against the law if i don't, (i don't know, i have to check up on that), i'd probably will not press charges agains the guy. i don't want my daughter to have to go through the trauma of having to live it all over again.
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Health Ace
6880 posts
In my state it is mandatory for anyone who deals with minors, such as teachers, councelors, and clergy, to report any known or suspected child abuse to the police. They seem to be constantly broadening the scope of those laws to include more people, such as parents, relatives and neighbors, so I doubt the counselor has any choice. Recently a priest was sentenced to prison for not divulging sexual abuse that he knew about through his duties as a priest.

What that 20 year old did was statutory rape, and he will have to pay for that. It makes no difference what she did or is perceived to have done to entice him. It is not her fault, she is a child. If convicted, he will most likely go to prison for a significant length of time. He will also be classified as a sexual offender and be required to report to the police where ever he is living, on a regular basis for the rest of his life. He has definitely ruined his own life in addition to the damage he has done to your daughter.

I expect the police will be able to hook you and your daughter up with the proper counseling.

I don't know how you should handle the problem of telling your husband, that's really up to you. I assume he is not your daughter's father from the way you write of him. You certainly will not be able to keep him in the dark about this, so I would think the sooner the better, but you can probably get some professional advice from whomever the police may suggest for counseling.

Don't take a lot of blame for this to your own heart. Some young girls (and boys) do things that are hard to fathom. My wife's 14 year old sister was assigned to live with us by the sheriff's department because her parents couldn't handle her and she wouldn't stay at home. I was about 35 at the time, and we became her legal guardians. I can only imagine how her mother and father must have felt when they had to sign the papers relinquishing their parental rights to us. I came across those papers in a file drawer recently. We weren't on the best of terms with her mother. Her mother hated me and had refused to come to our wedding ten years earlier.

I hope this works out well for all of you.
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NJOYnLIFE makes a very good point about the 20 year old.
I had not thought about the angle that this is a possible rape or at least corruption of a minor.
That is a whole nother kettle of fish. I urge you to seek a professional counselor to guide you.
I'm not a paralegal nor a doctor, and should stay out of this one.
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first off, i would like to apologize to how late this reply is.

the facts: it would seem that you have a few options. one you can choose not to tell your husband. this will have devistating results on your marriage i would assume. thinkn would he trust you as much as his daughter after you keeping this from him? if the father believes the daughter to be the victimn he would wish to console her and help her out in her time of need and whatever your   daughter did before? i am sure it was nothing as serious as having sex with a twenty year old guy.

two. keep it from your husband. just bide your time until that school official finally picks up that phone when her or his reports are due. let them tell how you knew about it and did not wish to report it. it will go down in the books as child endangerment or negligence... i forget which. keep in mind that this is if your lazy about this issue. the legalities are serious when it comes to children. and in my opinion if she did instigate sex or consent to it being labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life and being incarcerated foran extended amount of time seems dangerous and unfair to me. also not that prison is just criminal school where they learn to harness their anger and direct it towards more victims and law enforcement officers who are just getting paid to do their job. worst case scenario if the district attorney gets its way its going to attempt to take your daughter away from you for not reporting this sooner. which will run the risk of you getting divorced and the father obtaining sole custody.


three. i noticed that you put high values on marital sex. this most likely adds to your daughters stress level. try to make her feel better by lowering your standards a tad. i am sure god would understand. he is all about family after all so forsaking your daughter for something that she regrets daily will not help. those high christian values will be the death of her figuratively and literally if that stress builds up into depression. i implore you to take her to a psyche doctor so that she may feel better about what she did and how she can avoid that issue in the future. she will see that you are trying to help her in every way and that you love her no matter the circumstances. you can also help her by keeping active at her middleschool or highschool. those names she is called is considered sexual harrassment and the school is liable for a hostile learning environment suit if they do not intervene.
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Hi.. This reply is REALLY late.. Hopefully you have already told your husband. But I still would like to help. My name is Briana and I just recently turned 16. When I was 8 through 11 I was repetedliy raped by my uncle by marriage. It was the worse years of my life. He molested me and beat me and verbally abused me. He has also Hirt my baby sister who is now 12 and has a hard time telling her story and struggles to admit everything (she was ages 4 through 8 at the time). I had a hard time telling my mom because I was embarrassed by what had happened . I ended up telling my best friend and he threatened to tell if I didn't. The next morning I told my mom (I was 13 in my frehman year I'n high school). I was also late to school my princable called me to her office to tell me I had Saturday school for being late. I then started crying and telling her why I was late and what had happened. The school by law had to make a police report.. The school board was very supportive and ESP my teacher she is like a mom to me. I was very nervous ! And scared cuase he threatened to kill me and my sister . I had no doubt that he wouldn't succeed at our murders.. I was then forced by law to be I'n therapy for two years. Ive recently went to a treatment center for depression for the same reasons as your daughter .. And because I feel it was my fault for letting it happen to my best friend/sister I Shouldve have told sooner. After my treatment I now and more confident I'n talking about it and try my best to talk to others and ENCOURAGE them to TELL the police. If you keep it from them.. It will tear your daughter apart inside keeping it in what the man did was wrong he is 20 years old having sex with a little girl who probably doesn't even know the concept of sex to well... That Man is sick and deserves to be punished for what he did. What your daughter did probably wasn't the smartest idea .. ESP. Talking to a man on Facebook.. It couldve been alot worse ! He couldve been alot older and done alot more to her. So she is very lucky . I would recommend monitoring her Facebook be friends with her or get her password just to make sure she is safe.. Also I was very scared to tell my father he is also strict.. But once I told him.. He was very supportive .. Pissed at first not at me.. He's also not aloud to go to my trials with my uncle........ But that's a different story. I think tellin your husband will be scary but helpful .. Your daughter needs support from the family .. I know it very hard for her On that note! I hope everything turns/turned out good. And wish your family the best and your In my prayers.I would love to answer any questions you guys have or do my best to help.  ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private e-mails not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use

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As a 17 year old who dealt with the same thing with my mom, I can understand your daughter's skepticism in telling her dad. But just because her father is strict and already has trust issues with her, it does not necessarily mean that a confession will make it any worse. If anything with my dad (who was the exact same way) it made us closer. I can talk to my dad about almost anything now that he knows I've had sex. Also, I was in a similiar situation. I lost my virginity at 13 to someone who was over 20, but I didn't have the heart to tell my parents. They just found out about it 2 years later. But they were still very upset. The best thing that can be done is for your daughter to tell her dad. Not you. And do NOT let him find out about it through anybody outside the family. ((I know this is very late, but I read it and I had the same fears, so I decided to answer.)) Hope everything turned out okay for your family!
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As a 17 year old who dealt with the same thing with my mom, I can understand your daughter's skepticism in telling her dad. But just because her father is strict and already has trust issues with her, it does not necessarily mean that a confession will make it any worse. If anything with my dad (who was the exact same way) it made us closer. I can talk to my dad about almost anything now that he knows I've had sex. Also, I was in a similiar situation. I lost my virginity at 13 to someone who was over 20, but I didn't have the heart to tell my parents. They just found out about it 2 years later. But they were still very upset. The best thing that can be done is for your daughter to tell her dad. Not you. And do NOT let him find out about it through anybody outside the family. ((I know this is very late, but I read it and I had the same fears, so I decided to answer.)) Hope everything turned out okay for your family!
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I really feel for you and your daughter, and I really hate how her peers are trating her. The fact that she is only 13, and the guy was 20, I always thought that was considered statutory rape, and if he already knew her age, then he is guilty for taking advantage of a minor.Because your child's emottional state has changed dramatically, she may need help to cope with what she is dealing with, which may result in your husband finding out. and sad to say, most fathers just don't take the news of their daughter's sexual activities very well. If it bothers you too much to continue on keeping your daughter's secret even for the sake of protecting her, then maybe you should tell him, I just feel that it might get worse before it gets better, especially if she isn't coping very well now emotionally. Girls just need to know thet they never have to use sex to make themselves feel validated, sex only makes you more empty inside because there is no true feeling of love or commitment attached, and guys jump at the chance "test drive" anyone who is willing. Your daughter's self esteem and confidence within herself has been stolen from her through this terrible experience, and will take some time for her to regain it back, but it is not the end of the world for her, she just needs help to find herself again, However, to be there for her as you have been, only a "STRONG MOTHER" can stand in that position, even in the midst of you have been affected in all of this. But really take the time and think about all the pros and cons of this situation and do what you know is best.
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im 13 and i would be scared about telling either of my parents if this hppened to me so you are lucky that your daughter decided to confide in you

She will be terrified and traumatised so comfort her and try to make her more confint and tell her to ingore all the comments people are making it will get easier for her xx

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This is BS!!! A 20 yr. old obviously manipulated a little girl... U need to report this!!! Even if she did call him over, she has hormones kicking in that are confusing... The frikkin' perv. needs to be jailed, he FULLY knew what was going down... This is bull...
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Jack wrote:

Brenda shut the hell up. You're not in this tough situation, honestly, don't be such a c**t.


i agree with jack. it is their decision to tell the dad AND to press charges. if her daughter hasnt accepted and started to heal from this BEFORE her dad finds out the child may try to hurt herself. i agree the mom should help he rdaughter through this and MAYBE then tell dad if her daughter is strong enough to handle his emotions!he doesnt need to knw (right now) unti lher daughter can handle more critism.....IJS
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frankie1 .. I think thats not very appropriate for on here.. Theres parents on here who really are having a tough time and I dont think saying things like "She wanted to feel a penis rub up and down a vagina" will help! People who commented about their stories were looking for help, not for the opposite. You are just harming them even more. I am only 13 and I know thats wrong, and sick! Your probably the 20 year old that had sex with the 13 year old. God bless all the people on here.
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Wrong Kevin B!!!!! You had no right to keep it from his, that is his daughter too and no matter how strict he is, he has the right to know. She isn't just your daughter. When a daughter confides in one parent, she is confiding in both and that is why parents should always let their kids know right away, i cannot keep a secret about you from your dad/mom, we are both your parents and both love you and want what is best for you .keeping it from him is dead wrong. By doing this, you are betraying his trust,he is the one you married and would not have had that kid by yourself!!! He has a right to know.
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