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I just found out that my daughter has had sex. I overheard her on the phone with her boyfriend. I confronted her and yes there were tears from both sides. She had sex about 3 weeks ago. I don't know what to do.
I find it odd that a friend (mom, dad, even teen) can ask me for advice and I could shell it out so easily, now facing it myself.....I feel as if I am completely lost.
Someone please, anyone help me, what do I do, what do I say????????
Do I stop her from seeing him as much, should I chaperone her always now, what what someone please please help me!!!!
I feel as if I really need a moment to force air to come out of my lungs, because it does not want to come out on its on. My chest is so tight, my heart is so heavy, that I just feel alone. While I know I am not alone, why must it feel as if so?
We were the mom & daughter duo.....we talked about everything.....now that she is with this guy, she suddenly feels compelled to hide this information from me.

Brandee

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its common for teens to hide this from thier parents simply because they are afraid of mum or dad going beserk on them and biting thier heads off.
and im pretty sure thats how you felt as a mum when you knew.
and its that, that makes kids hide things from mum and dad.

just sit down with her and talk, help her understand the situation and what happens, also speak to the parents of the boy.

its all i can suggest really
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Hi Brandee-

I read you post and just had to reply. I found out on 12/26 that my 14 year old had sex w/ her bf. I am shell shocked. Contact me and maybe we can be moral support for each other!


**edited by moderator**
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Being a 16 year old male sex is just a normal part of life. There is nothing you can do to stop her unless you pretty much spy on her which will make her hate you. So I think you should just talk to her about it and get her some condoms incase they decide to do it again. When you talk to get don't lecture her because that will just make her want to do it more.
Goodluck
-Mike
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Hi Brandee101, i feel your pain. My daughter lost her virginity to the first guy who told her he loved her. She didn't even have to tell me, i just knew when she walked in the door. She was 15 at the time. She got straight into the shower then went to bed. I went to her room and asked her what was going on, she told me. I thought i was going to have a heart attack. I kept my cool and told her we would talk about it when i was calm.
The next morning she couldn't look me in the eye. I cornered her after school the next day and we talked, calmly. She was okay with giving information because i told her i was not mad at her and would not punish her at all.
I tried to shift the point more towards protection as i knew this kid was a "player"...he didn't wear a condom??? I suggested a trip to the doctor which she eagerly accepted. I decided to hold off with anymore conversation until we saw her doc, which was the next day. He examined her and took several tubes of blood, which the results were all negative.
We drove home in silence, then she burst out crying telling me how sorry she was to have hurt me. I consoled her and told her i was concerned for her health and that i was aware that this day would eventually come. I thought i was ready, but the thought of my girl having sex just sort of floored me, momentarily.
We talked about it in detail and i tried not to let her see me cringe. My insides were screaming but my outward appearance remained lucid.
With my gentle prodding, she decided to get on some birth control.
I know how you feel mom, but the last thing you want to do is to try to keep these kids seperated. They will find a way to be together, teengage hormones are bigger than both of us, and now that they have tried sex, they are going to want to do it again. Your role as a mother is to see to it that she get some protection. You can ground her all day long but it may backfire. You can try to keep them from seeing each other so much, after all, you are the mom and she is a minor child, your rules, your house.
Make sure they are not alone in the house and you may want to inform his parents so they don't leave the house free for him and your daughter.
She is now 20 and is in a committed relationship for the past three years. The "guy" she lost her virginity to now has 3 kids and all by different moms. She regretts it, but she thought she was in love.
You don't have to approve, you obviously don't and rightfully so. Just try to be more watchful and don't give them the opportunity to be alone.
Maybe it won't last, who knows.
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tell her to just be honest with you and you just want her to be safe, use protection, and such. my mom always told me if parents arent hearing "bad things, they aren't hearing the truth" so i was honest with her. I told her about how i drank in high school and sex before 10th grade and about since i've been in college i've smoked weed. I am now applying to get a masters in marriage and family counseling. It helped me have a close relationship just knowing she wasnt going to freak out on me. just tell me what honestly would be best and leaving it at that. I made good choices based on the fact i didnt want to dissapoint her as a friend not as a parent, which sadly is a stronger fear of. she knows her mom will love her no matter what and if you mess up something with a friend you cant always get that relationship back. Be a little bit more like a friend in this case and influence her that way. She will feel more inclined to trust you. She'll make the right choice
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The first thing I want to say is that parents, or guardians, can make sure that children understand everything there is to know about sex without also granting them a license to have sex. That’s at any age, but particularly at 14, which in my opinion is far too young to be having sex. Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and she might know some things but have gaps that could get her into a lot of trouble. And if you’re uncomfortable talking to her, then get her an age-appropriate book. Since she seems to be very curious, I’ll bet she’ll read it. When you give it to her, it’s important to let her know that you’re available to answer any questions, and you should probably ask her a day or two after you give it to her if she has any.

Young girls who do not receive their father’s affection will very often reach out to some boy for affection and when they’re in that type of vulnerable state, that can lead to a sexual relationship. Since her father is not around, you didn’t say why you now have guardianship, your husband has to take on that father figure role. The last thing he should be doing in that capacity is giving her permission to have sex, either in his house or outside of it. He needs to let her know that he loves her, he needs to give her hugs (if she’ll accept them) and be as important a figure in her life as possible. I don’t know if he can replace her father, but he needs to try. But ultimately the message he needs to be giving her is that she is loved and doesn’t need to reach outside your home to find love.

Can you prevent her from having sex outside your home? Probably not. If you think whatever circumstances led to you being her guardian have done some psychological damage, then maybe you need to offer her professional counseling. But if she’s seems relatively well adjusted, and is looking to boys her age for comfort, and to keep that comfort coming is having sex, then the best thing you can do is to make your home a place of refuge for her. Maybe, even if not right away, she’ll sense that and use it that way. Allowing her to have sex under your roof will only make matters worse. Once that happens, once the boys in the neighborhood know they can have sex with her at your house, she’ll have no place of refuge where she can be a little girl. And obviously it wouldn’t be a good example for your children either.

So you face a tough situation. You might not be able to control her, but right now I would say what she needs most from you is your love, and the knowledge that she doesn’t have your permission to have sex. The more love you can give her along with being her “backbone,” so to speak, i.e. an excuse she can use to tell the boys that she can’t have sex, the more protection from predatory young males you’ll be giving her
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I feel your pain I myself am hurt so bad because all our lives we have taught our 2 daughters that it is best to wait for sex untill marriage when they have found the rite person. My girls and me have always had a very open relationship they could talk to me about anything! they've always said they are going to wait till marriage because they would like to be blessed and so I believed them. Just this past Saturday I found out my younger daughter has had sex already and has been taking the shot for 2months! I am so hurt because she is dating a no good guy he is 4 yrs. older than her and... I've been crying since then because my husband and I now have been having arguments since then. We have been saying we are leaving eachother and we still havent even confrunted her and he doesn't want me to but I'm afraid for her health! and I cry and cry I can't get over it I'm more hurt knowing she don't need me anymore since she didn't come 1st to me and because of this my husband wants to seperate we have been together for already 24 yrs. next month would be our aniversay. we also started young but we stayed much in love since then.
Someone please help me I'm going crazy and i have too much on my plate already! I will always love my daughters but I also love their father very much too. So I to feel your pain Brandie and I'm so sorry for this long story. I to need advice! :-(
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Hi! I want to tell you first that i understand the way you feel as parents; however, I know what it is like to be young because i am only 20. I will be very honest with you, you can do all that you can, you can talk with your daughter, threaten her or anything else you can think of but if your daughter wants to have sex, she will. It all depends on the her. Teenagers will say anything to shut their parents up. Honestly, do you think your daughter would come to you and say mom I am ready to have sex? You can have an open relationships, but it doesn't mean they are telling you THE TRUTH!!! If she had come to you how would you have reacted? Teenagers consider it all, they worry about you telling their fathers as well. All teenagers have questions but sometimes they just don't know how to come to you. If you look on different websites, you would not believe how many teen girls are in need of advice. Since they dont come to you, they go and ask friends who mislead them and everything go wrong from there. As far as the last comment you and yourhusband should work it out. No parent knows everything aboutheir child. You did yourpart, you talked to her and you told her you are there for her. The rest was all up to her!!! As the parents you teach them to make wise choices, who teach them how to make bad choices? Themselves!! My advice is try something different take your daughter out for some nice quiet time, and just talk to her and be honest with her. Tell here what is going on between you and her dad. She won't have any choice but to sit there and listen. when you think they are not listening, they are!! After all those years being married nothing shoukd be able to come between that. If every couple separated everytime their teen did something crazy and stressed them out, who would even have a marriage? Sorry so lenghty, I am a college student who will be graduating in less than 2 years with a degree as a RN, and a minor in psychology, I love school and I love helping people as well. If you are wondering yes I am in a serious relationship (years!) so i experience these issues myself, I am not perfect I just have goals.
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I personally believe that you can not at all blame teens for having sex. I remember what being a teen is like and it is nearly impossible to wait until your married. I managed somehow though.=) I wish to also speak out about all this (predatory males) businesses, there is a major stereotype that it is always the boy tricking the girl into having sex. This is really bull, usually they both really want to have sex. (unless it is like a 18 year old and a like 14 year old) Everyone just want to awesome that there daughter is a innocent little angel that can do no wrong, so she must have been tricked into sex. lol yea right. Well i would like to see your responses. seeya!
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I have to agree with our Guest above. The young girls of today are not as innocent as we would love to think.
Tho back in the day, i was conceived in the backseat of a 56 Chevy to an unwed mom of 16, he took off and complained when he had to pay a whopping $10 bucks a week for support. But back then it was kept on the "down low" and very "hush hush", i'm talking 1956.
She got pregnant again at 17 by an Afro American, which was soooo taboo and unheard of, he was 27. This child was adopted out right after birth. A lot of this indiscretion was done under wraps back then as it was humiliating to the families. My mom was 16, her sperm doner, my (bio dad) was 22. This happens just as much, if not more, today. The only difference is that the parents of these young girls who are messing around with an older guy wants to string these guys up by their nuts.
But......in many instances it is consentual and many times these young girls scream "rape" when the s*** hits the fan for some reason.

I think the female body is a beautiful piece of work, but when i drive down the street and i see a young girl with her fanny hanging out of her daisy dukes and her girls nearly completly visible to everyone on the street, i shake my head. But on the flip side, i did the same thing when i was a teenager. I wasn't happy unless just about everything i owned was exposed. I was 16 and i was involved with a guy in his freakin thirties, yikes, what was i thinkin??? My mom knew i talked to him but i don't think she knew that i skipped school to go to his house and roll around under the sheets all day. Can you say statchetory? I led him on and i certainly didn't back off when he made his first move. Today, this poor guy would be behind bars and i would be fa la laing around like nothing ever happened. My daughter is 20, but when she was 17 she started dating a 15 year old. When she hit 18 he was was 16 and so on, that was looked at as not right by many people in the family, but they are still together. She will be 21 in September, his birthday was just yesterday and he turned 19.
By rights, she could have gotten into some trouble if the right person said something negative to the right person.
So..i more or less have to defend some of the guys as well as the girls. If it's offered to you it's taken, by either sex. Like these female school teachers having CONSENTUAL sex with an under age young man. Something happens, the guy freaks and before you know it, the teacher is behind bars, now he is the victim. I don't believe it at all. A young man would jump at the chance to have an intimate relationship with a "cougar"!!!! The same with a young lady, and i don't, for a minute, believe it's a "daddy issue"
But in the eyes of the law it is wrong. And it does look weird that a young girl of 16 or 17 is hanging out with a much older guy, but it's mutual. Now this guy or girl gets hauled into jail and has a record and is now branded a sex offender. I have read posts from a man saying that he had a crush on a young, underage girl of 15. They kiss and snuggle but have not had sex. My advice to him is to wait for her from a distance or run like hell because that is what the law says.
So to all you parents out there who may be going thru something like this with your son or daughter, don't be to quick to judge. The first thing we as parents think of is, "you took advantage of my little girl" maybe not so. That sweet little princess of yours has another side to her, i know, i was a sweet little princess too!!!
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oh my god i just found out over easter that my 14 yr old daughter had sex with her bf ( who is controlling) while i was at work and she was home from school on vacation-- i am so disappointed.. the condom broke! he tell her she can not eat certain foods not wear eyeliner, lost all of her friends.... i am taking her to see a therapist on sat. but she will just lie about everything like she lied to ma this whole time.. i am so ashamed. i dont have anything good to say about my daughter... i cant even look at her.. help me im so desperate.. i called his family who is just as stupid as him.. i told him to please leave things alone- he said he wont because he will try harder.. i cant stop love--what an id**t. and my dumd daughter still wants to be with this mentally abusive son of a b***h
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Easy mom, i know how you feel, but.....the last thing you want to do is to call your daughter dumb. She is not dumb, she is young. If you get into it with her and call her names, but more so if you call her bf names, you just may loose what ever is left of your mom/daughter relationship.
She is 14, a minor and living in your home, you call the shots, period. Raising a teenager, especially a girl is mind numbing. We don't want to even imagine our little girl having sex. What makes it worse is that you say the guys a jerk.
Is he older than her? By older, i mean much older to where he is breaking the law? If so, you can get a handle on it, legally if you want to.
Talking to his parents is many times, useless, which you have found out.
There are many ignorant parents of boys out there think it's "cool" that their son is doing the "wild thing" and their dads give the kid a big "atta boy" i think it's ridiculous that these parents don't see any thing wrong, especially while the mom on the oppsing side is trying to get a handle on it.
Why are you taking her to a counselor? Are there other things going on? Her having sex with someone you don't like isn't worth a trip to a shrink, at least i don't think so.
It makes me sad to read that you have nothing good to say about your own child. Really mom, your real angry i know, but this is your child. I am sure there are a million things that you can come up with. But because you are so flamin mad, you probably are not interested in remembering all the good this child probably brought to your life.
I think counseling is waste of time right now (for this instance) she is going to do whatever she can to get to this guy. She will lie to the counselor for sure. Kids have hormones that are off the chart and now that she has experienced sex, she will do what ever it takes to be with her bf.
I had sex for the first time when i was 14 to. Me and my bf would have climbed up a freakin tree to get it, it didn't matter where at all.
I know when your trying to talk to her and she gives you that rotten smug cocky remark, you prolly want to smack her face off, just don't do that as it will push her further out of your life. Where is dad? Are there brothers and sisters?
My daughter was a miserable little lying b**** back in the day. I came so close to sending her to military school, no joke!! She used to climb out of her bedroom window at nite and take off. I kept riding her like a horse, she hated my guts. I even had bars put on her window. I had a PINS order placed on her and she was basically forced to behave.
Today, she is 30 with 3 beautiful boys, holds a job and goes to classes.
But...she also had 2 abortions i the past.
My advice for now is to get her on some birth control. I know you hate hearing it and the thought prolly sickens you, but take a moment to be realistic, just for a second.
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OH my Gosh Brandi. I can feel your pain. I can't stop crying. I guess I am so hurt because I talk and talk and talk. I try talking to my daughter about everything I think she needs to know. I just figured I would rather her learn from me than from the streets. Especially now when there being absolutely no sensorship on anything. Heck, they are even kissing on the Disney Channel. We even talked more about it after that show came out about the teenager being pregnant in highschool. My heart is so broken. I only found out because she thought she was pregnant. she said it was her 1st time, and she was so scared. I just feel so stupid. I haven't told anyone because I know they are going to say, "i told you so". I let her have a boyfriend, but I didn't want her sneaking around. It's not like if i said, "no you can't have a boyfriend" she wouldn't have one. I just wish I could pick my heart up off the ground. I can barely look at her. And I can tell she feels so bad, but i just don't know what to do. Do I put her on birth control? she says she won't do it again, but she also told me that she wasn't planning on having sex for a very long time.... I just don't know what to do. :-(
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Sex at such a tender age is increasingly a developed world phenomenon. The reason is simple: religion and religious upbringing are now regarded as primitive lifestyles in civilized societies. My parents taught me that sex before marriage is sin and teenage sex is not only sin but deadly, capable of rewriting one's destiny for the worse. This message, as well as many other religious teachings came to me early in life and remained in my heart. My advice to you is, try to bring up your child in the fear of the Lord. Instead of reading romance all day long, buy each of them a bible and encourage then to read it. Many people encourage their teenage children to have boyfriends, all in the name of civilization, what do you think they have those boyfriends for? Doing homework?
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