I am a 61 year old divorced woman who just ended a 14 month relationship with an "almost alcoholic". With age I believe comes wisdom and I had red flags from day one (I will post my letter to the disease after these comments). My gut was always telling me something wasn't right but he was so perfect for me! I continued to ignore the red flags until I couldn't any longer. I constantly doubted myself and felt like it maybe I was hyper sensitive and over reacting. I went to my company's employee assistance program and saw a therapist who recommended I attend an Al Anon meeting or contact an organization called First Call. I contacted First Call and they had the most wonderful 6 week classes called "I Can Cope". These classes gave me the validation that I needed to believe he has a problem with alcohol (whether alcoholic or not doesn't matter). I learned how to detach. I learned that alcholism is a disease and I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot change it. I believe that true recovery comes from the alcoholic first admitting they have a problem and secondly wanting to quit. I also believe (after attending an open AA meeting with speakers) that AA is the tool they need in their lives to truly commit to changing. I could go on and on but I will stop here. The following is an assignment from the I Can Cope class where we had to write a letter to the disease. I removed his name and put in "XXXXX". This is my letter:
Letter to the disease,
As thoughts fly through my head, the first thing I want to do is "label" YOU or give YOU a name but I’ve decided YOU are not worth the time and effort it takes to try and be clever or creative.
I’ve reflected on the past 13 months with "XXXXX" and have shockingly come to the realization that YOU have impacted our relationship negatively from the beginning and it has escalated with time. I even wonder if I’ve ever really met the real "XXXXX" or if YOU’VE been in control the entire time?
Upon meeting my soon to become loved one for the first time on June 16th 2012 I now realize that YOU were there with us. Because of YOU, he was late for our very first date. "XXXXX" was very attractive but looked older than his actual age. He was energetic (almost hyper), happy, chatty and personable in addition to being outgoing and demonstrative. I was attracted and fooled by this person YOU live within. On our first date we shared stories of alcohol issues within our families and YOUR words came out of his mouth when he said "I just love the taste of beer". I worried immediately about what I might discover.
A few weeks went by and YOU came out in full force. We were at Longview Lake with my family for the 4th of July and I observed the high volume of alcohol "XXXXX" consumed. YOU toyed with calling in sick to work that night but thankfully didn’t win that battle. "XXXXX" brought me home before going to work that night and for the first time YOU told me that YOU loved me! I was speechless because it had been 2 weeks since we’d met yet I was fooled by YOUR charm and the attention I was getting. We started to make love but "XXXXX" wasn’t able to perform and stated it was probably the alcohol. YOU drove him to work and put his and others lives at risk because he was drunk. I worried again but chose to ignore. After all, he was sleeping out so would not be driving the work truck for another 8 hours.
During the next few months I supported "XXXXX" by going with him to doctor’s appointments and tests. I remember being shocked when on 2 occasions YOU LIED to the doctors and told them he only consumed a few drinks on the weekends. I worried again but chose to ignore. After all, it was just my imagination; I was hyper sensitive to alcohol. "XXXXX" was attentive. He went to mass with me every Sunday. I met his family, he met my family. We both like to run, hike, camp, shop for antiques. He was handy around the house, had a good job, nice home. After 9 years of being single and not meeting anyone that I clicked with, I’d finally met "XXXXX" and he was perfect for me!
September came along and a 10 day vacation we’d been planning finally arrived! We were driving to the smoky mountains to camp and hike for a few days then driving to Asheville to tour the district and off to the Outerbanks to see the wild mustangs and walk on the beach. I tried to casually bring up the topic of alcohol and "XXXXX" even admitted to me for the first time that he’d worried before if sometimes he drank too much. I worried again but chose to ignore. We were on vacation and I didn’t want to ruin everything. However, our first night camping YOU were there with us. YOU kept "XXXXX" up with YOU by the campfire until after 2:00 am, long after I’d gone to bed where I’d wished he would have joined me. I felt lonely being in the tent by myself and jealous of the alcohol. "XXXXX" had told me many times that he loves a campfire and he can stay up all night watching one so I had to be wrong. I had to be hyper sensitive. I woke "XXXXX" up to come to bed and he was very drunk. The next morning YOU were pouring bailey’s and kaluha in "XXXXX"’s coffee before we headed our for a hike. Again, we were on vacation, people do things like that when they are relaxing and celebrating … I even joined YOU! I worried again but chose to ignore. YOU tempted him throughout the day with margarita’s and in the evening with wine or beer. It was vacation and a celebration! Further into our trip one night in Asheville YOU consumed him to the point that he was loud, obnoxious, and overly friendly with everyone around us and wanted to party and bar hop all night long. I felt like a drag, party pooper. I was jealous and confused. After talking YOU into leaving and asking if I could drive, YOU became angry and defensive. YOU would not let me drive and YOU convinced me that YOU were ok to drive but once in the car I definitely knew that was not true. I was scared and confused and sick to my stomach.
I love October and the fall. October is my birthday month and this year I was going to be 60 and I would have my "XXXXX" to celebrate it with me. We partied with my family and we both drank too much … it was not an issue with me this time because it was a special occasion and I was drunk too. There was a weekend "XXXXX" invited me to attend his homecoming in Maryville Missouri but I was unable to attend. He went on without me and after 5 hours of not hearing from him I sensed something was wrong. "XXXXX" was always very attentive and texting and sending pictures. I began to worry so I called. No answer. I texted. No answer. My imagination went wild and I was scared, confused and then it turned to jealously, hurt and anger. YOU finally called me hours later and I could tell "XXXXX" was drunk. YOU were in a bar playing darts and could not hear me so the call was cut off and I didn’t hear back from "XXXXX". We ended up together that night and I forgave him because I didn’t want to accept the fact that he had a disease. I found out months later that he was very drunk and had absolutely no business driving back to KC that night.
And so the stories continue …
The holidays are coming!!! I have a loving and attentive man in my life! I’ve found love and thought I would never have it again. But the disease continues to interfere! Thanks giving rolls around and on 11/30 "XXXXX" had hernia surgery and was out for 6 weeks and didn’t return to work until January. He had good intentions of getting lots of honey do’s done around his house but to no avail. I noticed the glass recycle bin grow full of empty beer bottles. Daily YOU’D stay up late and sleep in getting nothing accomplished. But "XXXXX" and I are different and I can’t expect him to do what I would do. I am a get ‘er done girl, he is are a get ‘er right guy. I make a list and knock it out, he make a list and thinks about it awhile before beginning. I try to be helpful by going with him to get what he needs done or sometimes doing them for him.
December was fun yet YOU had to flare up and ruin everything. We attended "XXXXX"’s Christmas party that we’d both been looking forward to. YOU came along immediately. We started with a drink at home and a flask filled with rum in "XXXXX"’s pocket. A lot of drinking at the party and YOUR personality overtook "XXXXX". YOU were loud, obnoxious, flirty with other women and making inappropriate comments to me about how hot some of the women at work were and even taking it so far as to say to me "I’d f**k her"! YOU wanted to party on after the company party but I talked YOU into leaving, telling YOU I was tired and wanted to go home. I remember it was very stormy with heavy downpours of rain, thunder and lightening. I was scared for "XXXXX" to drive us home but YOU would not give over the keys acclaiming that YOU were ok to drive. I got into the car with YOU and was terrified with YOUR erratic driving, the speed and how closely YOU were to the car in front of us. At first I just closed my eyes and prayed we would make it home safely then I spoke up and gently told YOU that YOUR driving scared me and could YOU please slow down. YOU became very defensive and stated that YOU were not drunk and there was nothing wrong with YOUR driving. By the end of that night like I felt as though I’d spent the evening with YOU instead of my "XXXXX" and I wanted him back!
The months to follow were more of the same, drinking daily and some days to excess. Our New Years Eve Party was another over drinking event. One day watching YOU add baileys and kahlua to YOUR coffee in the morning. On our trip to Mount Nebo for "XXXXX"’s birthday in March, extreme amounts of alcohol were consumed by both of us. There was the Peddlers Jamboree on Memorial Day weekend filled with excessive drinking throughout the day and into the evening. Next was "XXXXX"’s nieces wedding in Wisconsin that turned out to be the trip from hell for me, followed by our camping trip in June where I found myself scared and lonely while YOU stayed up by the campfire drinking box wine and then beer. Back around to the 4th of July again with too much alcohol on the boat and the following weekend at the lake/camping when one night I overheard "XXXXX" tell someone he’d had too much to drink that day.
I know there are so many more times that I am not mentioning where YOU ruined our party, vacation or just the day and evening. There were so many days I spent with YOU and sometimes trying to reason with YOU and always to no avail.
My relationship with my "XXXXX" is different when YOU are around. YOU take away the sweet, attentive, loving man that I have come to love. YOU are toxic to the health of me and "XXXXX". YOU put others and my own life at risk, YOU hurt me emotionally, YOU frighten me.
I see sadness in the eyes of my "XXXXX" because he knows things are changing. I hope and pray that YOU do not win!
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I have been with a alcoholic bf for 4 years, trying to end this many time and I am still working on it to end this whole thing.
This is what I read about after doing some research:
1) Most of the alocholic will not admit, but even if they admit they do not want to fully stop.
2) most want to drink like social drinker or think they can be some functional drinker and they want to tell themselve they can control, they will one day manage to control it but they cannot, it only get worst because they are not equiped to be normal for their case
3) drinking more and more causes more memory loss as the chemical is damanging their brain, the more toxic they put into their mouth the more their brain become worst and also lost the power to change / stop
4) drinking more and more causes anixety and anger, so the more they drink, the more angry and more anixety they will get when they are sober (after effect) and this make them feel stressful due to the constantly anger inside them that they build up, so they go back to drinking again
5) depression - why they have depression? drinking make them high, the longer they drink, the more they need to drink to reach that high level. so when they do not drink every moment is a suffering or tortune or stess day or depression day for them as they want to go to the alcohol because it RELAX them (short cut)
6) vodka and hard liqor make them mean and angry when they are drunk, they will be more abusive
7) beer make them nicer when they are drunk, not so harmful but beware as they will pee and soil the bed because they need to drink a lot of beer to get high (they will not be so abusive compare to drinking hard liqor)
8) the younger they start drinking the harder it is for them to stop
9) will the next generation have alcoholic problem - yes and no.
the gene will pass from parent to kid depending how much he have been drinking
but if the kid is bought up properly and have strong mind set they can control (my dad is a alcoholic and smoker, he drink & smoke until he died but I am normal yet due to my dad I keep attract such alcoholic into my life so you do have to teach your kid and love your kid a lot more if there is alcohic in your family, their most dangerouse age is 1-18)
10) due to the embrassment and suffering - most of the gf and wife will have no friend or either our friends will get tired of our repeat story and feels that we deserve this (since we make the choice not to leave them)
11) family & gf need a lot of support but not easy to get support from their own circle friend
12) they create drama when they drink - they will blame you, they will fight you, they will do things to make you angry, they will be defensive with bullish excuse and then forget what they have done
13) unfaithful & cheating & womanizing - when they drink they want to have fun and company and other woman that is not stess by living with them are happy to provide that thinking they are just drunk (note that most alcoholic are good looking and they are high and they sweet talk you to do what they want), even when you confront him he will claim he forgot what happen. Will he cheat with people you know? Do you think they know how to filter when they are drinking? As long as it is a woman they can have fun with them and drink with them, they will use them as backup.
14) money - he will slowly stop working and you will love him so much and pay for all, then you resent him because you are working so hard and he is only drinking, and 10 years down the road he is still the same
15) gulity - you feel bad that you have to leave him behind, you want to help but it is so much pain that you need to help to heal yourself first
16) homeless - many alcoholic are scare to be homeless so they need to attach to someone to take care of them, and to put a roof on top of them, and baby sit them when they detox and recovering. are we a slave or being make use of? yes we all are. we all know that but we do not want to spell out.
17) most alcoholic will not stop even if you die infront of them, not even if their parent or mum or kid die infront of them when they are drinking, they will use that as an excuse to go on to drink more. their brain are not functioning at that moment
18) can you change him? the answer is no.
19) can he change? yes. god give human a thing call choice. so human have the choice to say no, it will be very hard because only he can make the choice.
20) is this a disease - yes it can be in their gene
21) is this s sickness - yes it is because their blood and brain already being poison and the more they take the harder it is for them to control, the earlier they stop the easier they can still help themselves.
22) promise - will they keep their promise? we all know how many disappointment we have gone though, it is enough to tell us they will not keep their promise, it means nothing to them, it is just words, they are in a stage to lied to get to the alcohol.
23) are you the cause of all these? no you are not. and do not let him put you down.
24) yes he can also disrespect you infront of other woman, but you should be happy to let that woman take over him so you can walk away and start a new happy life.
25) Yes you will not have a happy moment because they will drink regardless it is your birthday, his birthday, wedding date, xmas, NYE, kid's birthday, job day, meeting or outing. You can never expect to plan a outing with your family / friend because he is always drunk and you are tired of giving excuses to cover for him (and looking at people who look at you and feel sorry for you)
26) kid - will having a kid change him? or will he stop? we must be lying to ourself if we think this is going to make him stop. Most of the time the kid will grow up in a such unhealthy and abusive family that they grow up not being normal, or become another alocholic, or abusive person thinking that is the right way to treat others.
Most country do not have good support system, and yet we cannot lock them up forever... so the only thing is their choice or live in a area that have no alcohol which is not possible.
We can go on suffering and tell ourself beautiful excuses and suffer in silent but they will not change because they do not want to.
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***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private phone numbers not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use
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