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Hi. I am a recovering opiate addict. I went through the the Suboxone program, and am now off the suboxone. My Husband did the same. We both got off the Subs together. It has been 3 weeks I believe without Subs for both of us. I'm in the situation now where I strongly believe that my husband is relapsing. He admitted to me this past Monday that he had done a Morphine, because he was supposedly getting them for a friend and was made to do it to prove he wasn't like working for the cops or something stupid like that. But since then, I believe he hasn't stopped doing the pills. And he's been talking to two major suppliers he dealt with in the past. I've known my man for 13 years and I know the difference when he's "tired from work", which is his excuse for his abnormality lately, or "loaded". Ok I'm not stupid, and other people notice it too. I've been very confrontational with him this week, and of course he is very defensive, and I know he's high as f***. He won't admit it to me, even though I've seen the marks on his arm and torn off Q-tips hidden in the garbage. I want so very much to stay on the clean path and I'm afraid I may be starting to lose him. My kids see it too and how can I lie to them when it's incredibly obvious? I need some advice on what I should do or how I can get him to come clean with me. I know It's not in my head!! I haven't caught him red-handed yet...I think he's hiding things in his car cuz he'll go out to his car in the morning real quick like he's getting something out of it, and then goes to the bathroom. He knows I go through his closet to check on things, and he spends a little too long in the bathroom with the door locked and a towel under the crack of the door, if you know what I mean. He says I'm just gonna end up pushing him away by accusing him all the time. I'm a nervous wreck here, for real, and in tears because I love him and we have a family and I don't want to lose it again, like I already have once before because of these pills. Seriously, what should I do? Is there anyone who knows at all what I'm going through right now and can help me figure out what to do? I have no friends and no one to talk to about this. I want to keep my family together, but I'm seriously gonna lose it here. Please help!!!

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Oh sweetie:'(  My heart is absolutely breaking for you & before I start trying to advice you, I just wanna say- stay strong. You've done massively well to get where you are- don't waste all that effort by relapsing.

 

I can't advice you from a personal point of view- only from what I've seen in life with people I know & what I know from my 'job'.

 

When someone is in recovery, old friends are the straight road in to a relapse. I'm guessing that your situation is not going to facilitate a move of home? TBH, your ex probably didn't have a chance of a full-recovery if he is still mixing with friends that use & deal. Rule number one of 'moving on'- delete the past. I don't know if you were offered any form of psycho-therapy for going clean, along with the Suboxone, so I don't know if I'll be repeating things you've already heard.

A lifestyle that revolves around drugs needs an overhall; it's needs revamping & re-styling. That means friends, routines, other habits, etc. Not only does the overall mean that you don't have the temptation of friends, boredom, regular stressors & behaviours related to the drug habit, but it's also a way of cutting it out of your life. It's symbolic- you change for the better because it's gone.

Your ex is obviously having a hard time with cutting it out; he's still keeping in contact with users/dealers & he's reluctant to tell them "I'm done- it's wrecking my life, so I'm out". He's lying to you, because he's lying to himself. He's probably using a great deal of self- justification when using. He'll be going through a hundred excuses for using that don't outweigh the ones for staying clean. He also probably thinks that if he can keep up the pretence with you, then he'll stop soon. If he admits it, he risks you relapsing & him taking longer to stop.

 

However- you need to confront him again & present him with some evidence (like the Q-tips). Do it gently & sympathetically, with a lot of understanding & encouragement that a relapse doesn't mean the end of getting clean. It's only a hitch.

The last thing you both need is stress from an argument & that will only encourage him to go & get high- and you to wish you were high!

 

The most important thing I can say though is that sometimes, people need to hit rock bottom to be able to start climbing back up. At the moment, your partner has not hit rock bottom- he still has you & his children. Clean parents are the best thing you can give to your children, but right now you're the only one giving that to them & you staying clean depends on the people around you being supportive. He's not being supportive.

While you love him, I'm sure you love yourself & your children too, so being a single-parent might be the best option for you. At least until your partner starts changing his lifestyle for good. It's not uncommon for couples to split up in order to get clean. Having someone living with you who using drugs is a sure fire way to relaspe and you can't afford to do that. Your whole future & the future of your children is dependent on you being clean. If he's a hinderance to that, you need to seperate him from your lives for a while, until he shows that he can stay clean.

No matter how much you love him- you can't make him stay clean. That's his decission. And no matter how much you love him, he has to get to the point of 'Change' on his own.

 

If he's that determined to keep his family, he'll start making those changes & will stop using & lying about it. However, you need to look after yourself & your children. You're at a different stage of recovery to him & he needs to catch up with you, before your relationship will be a healthy one.

 

Good luck on your journey & all my very best wishes. Stay strong & stay focused on Livin<3

 

V

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Thank you for your advice. Like I said I don't want to lose my family. I know for a fact that I am the "stronger" one in our relationship. I did confront him about the Q-tips in a sincere manner. He sincerely "assured" me he didn't do it. Today, he seems to be more on the "normal" side as far as I can tell. I'm thinking of sticking it out another week and keeping silent and see what happens. My oldest girl is 18 and still lives with me. Her and her friends have noticed over the past couple of days too. And I've talked with her because we are quite close, and she said she will have no problem confronting him as well if this continues, just so he knows I'm not just attacking him and others see it too. I really am being strong for myself and my girls and have had absolutely no cravings or thoughts of relapsing. Especially when I see someone who is "messed up", I sure don't want to embarrass myself like that ever again. I'm happy to be clean. It is what I have wanted for so long and I am embracing it. Hopefully this is just a fall back for him and he will realize what he is doing and bounce back. All I can do is hope or move on without him. I will update after a week on the situation. Thanks again.
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My heart is with you...

I suggest a few things you can do.

1) Praise him constantly, when he is on the "normal side" and tend to dismiss him when you are certain he has been up to some thing. Im not saying to avoid him, though, thats the worst thing you can possibly do!

2) Leave random brochures and pamphlets about rehabilitaion around, without making it too obvious, just place one on the table. If your really serious put one under some of YOUR MAKEUP, so if your making a bigger change then he might too.

3) Tell your kids. They are going to findout about it one way or another. They need to know, they might be able to have the most powerful imact on him, more than any doctor or REHAB centre ever will.

4) Generally bring up the convosation about how happy you are to have quitted.

5) Present some facts (they can be lies) about how dangerous the stuff is to someone's health.

6) Create a calander and put it in your room (or somewhere else your husband can see it) draw of an X for each day write a nice coment like "I feel so fit!". Your progress may be the key to his break through.

7) Protect your kids, you don't want them creating bad habits!

8) Make an appointment with the doctor (or whoever you went to see) again to see how well you have progressed. He may feel some guilt or anxiousness and stop immediently.

I'm feel for you, and I will pray for you. Goodluck! :)

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Thank you and yes my girls have actually been through A LOT. The both of us became addicted to pills 10 years ago. So for most of their lives they have seen a lot. They are 18, 14, and 11. I try not to say anything to him in front of them, but they are the ones going..."pssst, mom, Dad's nodding off", and they know why. I told him that they notice him and he says the only reason they know is because it's my fault for saying anything to him because they hear us argue about it. His arms look better, but now he's taking too much Xanax and is just a sloppy mess. I did the dishes yesterday and found a spoon with a burn mark on the bottom side. I confronted him and of course he denied that he did that. Me and my oldest girl, which by the way tried to help come in on my defense last night and confronted him as well, are really just sick of it. And she's embarrased because all of her friends that come over make comments to her about her Dad being loaded. He says he's so stressed out with work that he is taking extra Xannax to deal with it and coming home to more stress doesn't help and if I don't stop harassing him about it he's gonna leave. Frankly if he's gonna keep this up, I almost don't give a sh**, but we all love him and know that this is just not him and I'm getting real frustrated here. I KNOW he's better than this and I guess all I can do right now is pray too.
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