Problems at home? 2

I am the second oldest of 6 kids and for some reason while growing I always felt so alone. Could no relate to anyone had a hard time making friends and was always scared of adult because in my eyes because of the sexual, physical and psychological abuse I was scared that everyone was out to hurt me. I was afraid to tell my mom my grade, how I was, what was going on in my life because she was always so hostile towards me no matter what the case.

Not only did she abuse me she also used fear to make sure I never told on her. She used allergies and illnesses to keep me locked inside mostly doing chores. When I made friends I quickly lost them because everyone knew who my mom was. Family services were called multiple times and she was the perfect mother when they showed. I have suffered many bruises, broken bones and scars at the hand of my mother. They say time can heal all wounds. I say yes it can but nothing can fix a scar. I am 27 now, unsure of love and what it means I have two kids and I believe I love them but still question it constantly.

Abusive parent either don't care or understand what they do at times to us. Next part is my father; I didn't really know him until I was 12. I was excited to move with him in a way because I thought "Thank you God the abuse is gone". Boy was I wrong. I was basically his slave just like my mother's. I watched my sisters and brother, cooked, cleaned and did whatever he told me to do. One day he told me to get my little brother out of the crib and put him in the swing why him and my worthless step mother laid on the bed. Juggling a baby in one hand a a swing in the other things went black when I came to, my father's hand was around my throat and he was choking and punching me in the stomach and telling me if he was hurt I better hide because he was going to come back and kill me. I was so scared I peed and went #2 on myself. I hid for almost awhile only coming out to eat when everyone was asleep. Afraid to change because I would have to walk by his room. That was the last straw, shortly after that he forced us back on my mom. Back to the abuse again but this time it didn't last long. A few bruises and a broke nose later she vanished, leaving me a young boy alone with no money no food and no place to go. A plus was no more abuse downside I had no one and no food. Too young to work and using school as a place to have 2 meals a day.

I have been to therapists and tried to get over my childhood. There are many things I can't forget and I wake in the middle of the night crying like a baby scared that my mother is going to come in and hurt me or my uncle is going to come get me again. In my head I know I shouldn't be afraid but I can't help it. I try to use my experiences to help others cope with what they are going through. Kids tell me how bad their life is in their home and I only think to myself I wish mine was that nice. I can barely trust anyone and I am still afraid of my mom in a way. I hate my parents. I don't respect them and I will not mourn their loss. They scarred me for life. I try to make myself to be unique and not morror them but it's hard because that's what these scars do. They make you into someone you don't want to be. I don't crave attention and hate to be the center of attention because I am so uncomfortable around people because of the fear they are only out to hurt or embarass me. My girlfriend's family like to hug and tell each other they love each other and this is odd to me. I am 27 and have never heard my parents tell me they love me. My girlfriend says it but most of the time I think to myself "How can anyone love me?" I still don't understand how someone can. I am insecure for that reason. I think my girlfriend will go seek another man because I think I am not worthy of her love or anyone's for that matter. I am not even sure how my son's can love me.

I am afraid of a lot of things and I have social anxiety to an extent. Large groups scare me and I get dizzy therapist say it's because I still have the fear people are trying to hurt me. I shutter when people walk behind me, expecting them to hit me. That's what my mother would do; walk behind me and hit me in the back or in the back of the head with her fist or an item within her reach.

I am going to end this here again. If you would like more get this post to 4 thumbs up. I am not doing this for attention or for pity. Instead I am doing this in hopes others will open up and want to talk to me or someone else about their pains in life.