Over a year ago I recommitted my life to Christ and successfully completed an outpatient sex addiction recovery program and have been maintained my recovery ever since.
Throughout my childhood, I was molested several times by trusted people NOT in my family. I was physically and verbally abused as a child by my father as well.
I was 8 the first time I was molested by my neighbor (mid 40s white male) when one night he pinned me down in his backyard, removed only my bottoms, and forced himself inside me against my will. As painful as it was, I got aroused and he started jacking me off while violating me. I ended up orgasming and ejaculating as he finished inside me. He then proceeded to grab me by the hair and forced himself inside my mouth to “clean it off like a good boy”. I was so traumatized that I couldn’t even cry. I was so quiet for the next few days and didn’t say a word to anyone. I felt so much shame from this.
Over the next 10 years of my life, several men would violate me in similar ways. It got to the point that after several occurrences using forceful ways to get what they wanted, I started to submit to them to reduce the pain and increase my pleasure. I became a boy toy by age 10 and was being molested weekly. As humiliating and degrading as it was, I started to enjoy hearing their verbal affirmations as the finished inside me or all over me. It gave me validation even though it was from a painful and degrading situation.
I was finally able to stop the weekly molesting when I moved away to college. I met a girl right away to start college and we dated our entire time there. Looking back at our sex life during our relationship, I'm now able to see how I dominant I was. I took on the role of those who molested me and acted that same way essentially, but not forcefully. I realize that I wanted my needs taken care of and when they were by her, I would verbalize it in the same way it was told to me throughout my childhood. We ended up breaking up after college because I moved away to take a job in another city.
After I moved and started life in my new city, I felt a void of having validation in my life. Watching porn just wasn't enough for me... I needed more. I ended up responding to ads on craigslist and setting up anonymous discrete arrangements for guys (ages 20-60) to come over and give me a blowjob and nothing else. It was all about taking care of me and then they would leave. This would go on for a few years until one day, one of the guys who came over (he was in his mid-50s) showed me his unit and asked me to reciprocate the oral pleasure. I willingly agreed because it had been 7+ years since I did it last and I was in the mood. The flashbacks I had in my mind once I got started on him surprisingly turned me on, enough to the point where he was topping me 10 minutes later and having his way with me. From that day forward I became a submissive bottom boy for men ages 50+ with a unit that was 7"+. For the next several years I would set up discrete anonymous arrangements for older men to come over (to my place or hotel if I was traveling) and have their way with me. Nothing was off limits to me. There were several occasions where I hosted 2 or more men at a time use me because I wanted to humiliate and shame me physically and verbally. I was tied down, gagged, humiliated, degraded etc, all while living a double life and having a few relationships (with women) during these years.
I was finally able to break free from these desires/fantasies and get the help I needed. Looking back now I able to see how my sexuality was distorted from my experiences of being molested as a child, as well as how feeling shame and guilt ("triggers") throughout most of my life influenced me to act out on these fantasies so often.
Has anyone else ever experienced a revelation something like this?
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