So I guess I should start at the very beginning. I'm 17 years old and am active on many writing forums on sites such as fanfiction and whatnot. So four months ago I started PMing with someone off the site. As we talked more and more, I realized that we had much of the same interests and points of view. At this point, I didn't know the sex of the person because of their unisex name. So when I asked, 'he' said that he was a boy. It was then that I started to have feelings for him, and a while later, we began to date. It was long distance, me in Canada and he in the US, but we text all the time, talk on the phone all the time. Couldn't really Skype because of the hurricane and all. But we shared photos through Facebook before. He said that he wasn't allowed to have an account but would make one for me. He put pictures up and everything. He was perfect, and I was so so so so into him.
Two months later he completely breaks my heart by telling me that 'he' is really a 'she', and that she lied so that I'd like her. I was mad and confused and we broke up. I tried to distance myself from her, not talk to her, cut contact with her, but I just couldn't. She had come to be my confidant and I couldn't just let her go, regardless of the fact that I was 'leading her on' or 'being unfair to her and how she still felt about me. The break up lasted about three week before I, against my better judgement, told her I would 'try'.
She and I clearly had different understandings of 'try' because she got so excited, told all her friends, went back to acting the same way we did when I thought she was a guy. The problem lies in the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make myself love her the way she loves me. And believe me, I've tried SO hard. But I can't. I'm into guys. The emotional and physical attraction I feel is towards guys. Sure she is beautiful and the thought of her sexually can arouse me, but I don't think that makes me lesbian. Or even bi for that matter because I've tried thinking about being with other girls and the thought just... turns me off completely.
Now the obvious thing to do would be to break up with her, but..... I can't. I actually cant. The last time I broke up with her, she was a mess. Crying, depression, that kind of thing. And even now, she says things like 'This relationship is the only thing that brings me happiness' or 'without you I'd die' or 'I can't live without you' or 'I need you' things like that. She's been through a whole lot in her past. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, neglect, she's attempted suicide before, is a former self harmer, used to do drugs, get overly drunk, things like that. Over time I've helped her change a lot of that. 'Made her a new person' as she'd say. So that's why I'm afraid that breaking up with her will send her on a downward spiral where she ends up even lower than she was before I met her. I just.... can't be responsible for that.
I care about her, I really do, and I do love her, but not the way she loves me. And yes, I am leading her on by letting her think that I do feel the same way, but I'm afraid of the consequences of breaking up with her. I feel more like her therapist or psychiatrist than her friend or girlfriend. I'm so distraught over what to do. I know that eventually ongoing to have to 'break up' with her again, but I'm trying to put it off. Especially with this time of year. Her dad left around this time. I can't give her another reason to hate this time of year... I feel... bound.
I realize that I'm only digging myself a deeper hole, but I just can't hurt her like that. Not now. I've been accused of caring too much. And it's true. I'm usually the one giving out the advice. 'Dr.Phil' my friends call me. But now it's me who needs advice.
Another thing I have to admit? Another reason why I'm tentative about breaking it off is because part of me loves that she loves me so completely. I've been through so many relationships with horrible guys who just wanted something from me that I'm clinging to the one person who does love me to a point of obsession. But it's not fair to her. Or to me. Someone please help. Anything. I just need some advice...
(Forgot to mention, she's also 17)
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Wow that's a lot goin on! It seems unhealthy and she seems really attached. This is obviously bothering u wich is making it unhealthy for u! U need to tell her how u feel and if she can't accept that then she's not a friend! And if u have to sever all contact for ur well being then do it! Coz she seems really demanding. And the fact she lied to u. In the end it's ur decision! Best of luck and let me know how it went . Oh And u can't force Ur self to like her it's impossible ur straight and u can't change that!
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In a problem like this, you have to try to see things clearly and unbiased. What I mean by that, is take a step away from the labels of "straight" and "lesbian". Ask yourself some questions. Do you love her? What is she to you? Can you imagine her not being in your life if you do go through with it and break-up with her?
Often, people are caught in the dilemma of the fact that they are "straight", or "lesbian", or "bi". They don't look at the bigger picture that is being painted right in front of them.
Perhaps you are straight. But also perhaps, this girl is more important to you than you realise. Perhaps she's that special person who shouldn't influence whether or not you are "straight". If you love her, and if you are attracted to her, what's a small barrier like gender to get in the way of your love? Labels over love? Really?
It's seems to me from the way you're explaining it, you are this girl's whole world. You've changed her, given her a new reason to live and be happy again. Haven't you been happy in the time you've known and talked to her? Haven't you felt the butterflies or gushed of joy when just opening a small message or reading her name when it appears on your phone or your notifications?
What you need to do, is take some time to think about who she is to you, how important she is to your life, and decide whether you want her gender to decide if you love her or not. You said she told you she was a boy at first, well did you ever ask about why she said that? Perhaps she had a good reason for lying to you how she did. Nobody lies without a reason, least of all to someone they truly love. And apparently to me, she really does love you.
Take some time to think and understand, and hopefully you'll be able to reach the right conclusion for yourself.
I hope I was at least some help to you, or was able to get you to see things from another vantage point. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
Often, people are caught in the dilemma of the fact that they are "straight", or "lesbian", or "bi". They don't look at the bigger picture that is being painted right in front of them.
Perhaps you are straight. But also perhaps, this girl is more important to you than you realise. Perhaps she's that special person who shouldn't influence whether or not you are "straight". If you love her, and if you are attracted to her, what's a small barrier like gender to get in the way of your love? Labels over love? Really?
It's seems to me from the way you're explaining it, you are this girl's whole world. You've changed her, given her a new reason to live and be happy again. Haven't you been happy in the time you've known and talked to her? Haven't you felt the butterflies or gushed of joy when just opening a small message or reading her name when it appears on your phone or your notifications?
What you need to do, is take some time to think about who she is to you, how important she is to your life, and decide whether you want her gender to decide if you love her or not. You said she told you she was a boy at first, well did you ever ask about why she said that? Perhaps she had a good reason for lying to you how she did. Nobody lies without a reason, least of all to someone they truly love. And apparently to me, she really does love you.
Take some time to think and understand, and hopefully you'll be able to reach the right conclusion for yourself.
I hope I was at least some help to you, or was able to get you to see things from another vantage point. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
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