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I hope I'm not too late in posting this, that you have either already found help, or are still checking in and will see this. First of all, take a deep breath and know that you are not alone. Many have tread this difficult path before you, and many are yet to come. It isn't your fault, so the first thing to do is stop beating yourself up. The fact that you are so desperately seeking help is an indicator that you are a very strong individual, and you will have no trouble in pulling yourself out of this. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother, love your daughter very much, and want to be there for her.
The feelings you are experiencing are text book opiate withdrawal symptoms. The physical and psychological things you described are what everyone withdrawing from an opiate feels. I, too, was chemically dependent upon an opiate (and a benzodiazipene) after struggling with a spinal injury, surgery, and herniation of the surgery. I wasn't looking to get high, or partying with pills, I was desperate to stop an unbearable, mind-blowing, excruciating pain. I took them for a long duration, and sometimes I took more than prescribed after I developed a tolerance, which is more than likely what happened to you. ( and I'm not being judgmental of those who become addicted recreationally, they deserve help and relief as well)
I know all too well the debilitating physical symptoms (which I, too, felt I could try to deal with), but withdrawal can be dangerous and even life threatening, cause seizures and death if not monitored and controlled in a medical setting with the proper medications, so it is VERY IMPORTANT not to try to do this on your own. Besides, it's so excruciatingly painful and miserable, and there are more comfortable ways to go about it. I also experienced the psychological nightmare that withdrawal creates. I understand... lots of us out here understand... have been there. There is a psychological TERROR that comes with withdrawal that is impossible to describe, and unless you have experienced it, you just don't know. I personally believe it's that terrified feeling that causes most dependent people to desperately seek the drug again. Anyway, this part is just to let you know that you are not alone... and you are not to blame, and everything that you are feeling is perfectly normal.
Now for what to do... once you have made up your mind to get help, it's very important to do it immediately - it's so easy to fall back into just finding the medication again. One is too many and a thousand are never enough. It doesn't work. I can't help you solve your insurance problems (I had no insurance, either), and my parents paid for me to go to rehab, so I don't know what to tell you regarding that, but I do know that there is help out there...I encountered people that had no money and no insurance and were getting help. Look up rehab centers in the phone book, see if there are addiction hotlines listed. Just start burning up the phone line and explaining your situation - the place you call may not end up being your source of help, but someone somewhere will eventually direct you to the right place eventually. If that doesn't work, I would wait until you were in mild to moderate withdrawal, feeling sick, and have someone take you to the nearest ER. There they will be able to make you more comfortable, keep you from having seizures, etc., and more than likely might be able to direct you to further help. I wish I could be more help in this aspect... I actually waited about 5 years to get help for the same reason... do NOT WAIT! I too, am a mother, and there isn't any time to waste, you know?
As far as your Clonipin and Suboxone questions... they are both used to treat withdrawal/addiction... I currently take suboxone, have taken it for two years in a low maintenance dose because it helps me manage my back pain without altering my senses like other opiates (it is a partial opioid agonist with an antagonist). It is also used long term for some people because it reduces/stops the cravings for other dangerous/debilitating opiates. It is a drug that causes some dependence... it has to be titrated off of when ceased, but withdrawal is not nearly as severe as with full agonist opioids and is virtually painless when done exactly as instructed by the prescribing physician. These aren't things you need to worry about now, though, really... the treatment you receive should be decided by a physician, and you need supervised medical detox, at least, possibly more... I don't know what type of psychological addiction problems you may experience. (Don't try to acquire one of these drugs w/out supervision and try to do it on your own... suboxone could throw you into precipitated withdrawal and make you very sick if not taken properly at the right time.) I do know that you need to continue to seek help... don't give up. Know that you are one in BAZILLIONS of people who have experienced the EXACT same feelings. Doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a bad mother... your body has just changed it's chemical makeup to require a drug to feel normal now. There isn't any reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Hold your head up, and go get some help. I could tell by your post that you are sincere and your daughter is LUCKY to have you for a mother... so go get her mother back for her. I hope this was some help... I know how desperate and alone I felt when I was trying to figure out what to do. May God bless you and keep you and your precious daughter...(He's there...and ALWAYS available to help...all you have to do is ask - and that is by far the VERY best advice I can give you)
sincerely,
theheartoftexas
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Clonodine is presccribed normally for high blood pressure. It is also used by some idiotic pain "Doctors" to help along with giving the percosetts for God knows what it helps with. I totally get you about the percs, because of several broken bones, I have been off and on it for 10 years. Suboxone is the only drug that helps. It is easy to wean yourself off it. Do not be afraid of taking it. The only bad part is that you have to be off the percs for 18 hours before you start the Suboxone. It's worth it to get your life back, isn't it?
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I hope you are ok, you sound like a good person and a wonderful mom and I'm sure you will get through this.
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Withdrawal from strong opiates such as Oxy, Opana, etc., especially if taken for a long period of time, is likely one of the fierest battles you can ever experience in your life. The withdrawal symptoms I had included severe flu-like symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, loose stools, the deepest/darkest depression you can imagine, either too hot or too cold, clammy skin, total insomnia, never satisfied with where I was (lying down or sitting up),I couldn't make even the most simple decisions, goose bumps, headaches, irritability, shaking/trembling, no appetite, avoidance of daily tasks and people, my hygiene suffered as I just didn't care, a "creepy-crawly" feeling, severe anxiety and no interest in anything at all. I tried going "cold turkey" and had a seizure which put me in the hospital. "Cold Turkey", in my opinion, is the worst decision one can make when trying to discontinue taking opiates. Many people who are, or have been in opiate withdrawal, can easily relate to the feeling of dying. In fact, severe withdrawals can easily be life threatening, although in fact, a death from withdrawal (discounting suicide) is rare. The first five days are the worst. Five days seems like five years as time passes so slowly. The good news is that once the cravings start to subside (and this varies among patients) each day after the first five get slowly, slowly, slowly better. For me, the psychological withdrawal was so much worse than the physical withdrawal. What I did to cope was to treat each symptom individually such as Immodium to abate the bathroom stuff, I forced myself to eat bland food, insured an adequate fluid intake to prevent dehydration, slept as much and best as I could (usually cat naps of 10 to 15 minutes at a time), took vitamins, used a heating pad to help with the pain, etc. Doctors who prescribe opiates are legally responsible for responding to a patient in withdrawal. Very often, after a bout of not taking the medication as prescribed, the pain management physician will close your case and send you on your way. So few pain management physicians just don't seem to care about tolerance. Most think you are seeking more opiate based medication to sell or get high. Tolerence and Dependence are NOT the same thing as addiction unless you are breaking the law to obtain more. Speak out at appointments. Don't fear the physicians that have a "holier than thou" disposition who may label you as a "problem", a difficult patient, a drug seeker, etc. I have been in pain management for over 5 years with so many painful conditions which are verifiable through MRI's, X-Rays, Physical Therapy reports, diskograms, etc. Withdrawal is most definitely an awful thing. I also found it helpful to talk to a few people who have experienced withdrawal. Most De-Tox facilities are useless and inhumane. Most people who enter pain management and take medication never intend to take too much thus running out early. It is a product of "tolerence." I've always found it odd that medications such as opiates and benzodiazepines are almost always eventually not as effective over time as say a blood pressure, cholesterol, antidepressant which usually work for years with no need to change doses. One notable exception is Cymbalta withdrawal. It is just as bad! For me, I'd love to quit taking Oxy, but then how do I deal with my physical pain? It's a no win situation. Narcotic withdrawal eventually gets better. It generally takes months to be "normal" again. For some people it may take less time; for others, more. I'd like to see those of us who truly need pain medication treated as human beings and not as "pill heads." I truly feel for anyone reading this who is in withdrawal. It is awful but over time will abate. For those people who have ingested opiates for several years and then stop, they will certainly find that feeling "normal" (as in before taking that first pill) is an odd feeling in it's own right. Those that abuse pain medications to get high or to sell on the street hurt all of us who truly need medication. I couldn't tell you how many times I've run out of pills early due to tolerance; not to abuse. I suppose "Abnormal Use" does equal "Abuse." Good luck if you are in withdrawal while reading this and just remember it will take time, but it will eventually rectify itself over a period of time.
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go to the nearest hospital and they have charity care in most states that will help you out with doctor visits subutec thats prob misspelled however it works even better than suboxone as well try the methodone clinics they take medicaide
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WOW! I am just looking at this forum for a friend with opioid addiction and I just want to say to you, theheartoftexas, that you are an INCREDIBLE woman, and your advice and encouragement are insurmountable. Thank you.
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It's been a while since anybody has responded but I just want to make sure NO ONE reads these posts and heads out to get Sub thinking it is some miracle drug. IT IS NOT. I only took it for maybe a month after a 3 yr habit. It took months to get through withdrawals. All of us addicts have gone through traditional opiate withdrawal and it is hell but it's maybe a week. You probably won't lose your job, friends and your mind...although you really need the willpower. Too many posts online describe themselves as "clean" people but banging hydros, valium, booze during withdrawal. Those people will be posting forever blaming one thing or another. Suboxene is a horrendous withdrawal. I am a fortunate guy. I have beautiful home. I have my own business. I have great friends. I am a very strong willed guy and this withdrawal nearly broke me mentally and physically. Don't believe me? Just go deeper into these forums for the truth. All the people who claim "to get the life back on Sub" are basically just ringing up a huge balance on the credit card of life. Payback sucks. Wouldn't you rather get it over with now instead of having to do it in a new relationship, a new job etc. Anyone who says Sub WD is easy is the devil. All they are doing is justifying their own weakness. I may be harsh but I will always be an addict too and I know how addicts think. Always the easy way out. Only you know when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. In my book, being clean does not involved being slave to some orange pill or strip. Before you get clean, you need to get real. Read all you can. You will see nearly 90% of posts warn of Sub's dangers. There are people out there on 24mg a day (and More!!)...then read about the struggle people have coming off 1mg and having to liquify the c**p to get down and they are still feeling tortured. Sound like fun? If so, get down to the doc and make your deal with devil. You will remember these warnings someday. Hopefully this post will reach just one person as I have much better things to do, and will force them to rethink.
My last piece of anecdotal evidence. Unfortunately a number of my friends have kids with addiction issues. Since I do not advertise my past, I tend to talk in 3rd person as to my advice but EVERY ONE of those kids on Sub is having issues. Good for a month or too and then the addict takes over. You'll see. Years from now we will have a bunch of zombies walking around living day to day for their orange pill.
Last thing. If you truly are serious, go to a meeting (AA, NA) and ask a few people WHO ARE TRULY CLEAN NOW what their Sub experience was. I guarantee NO ONE WILL DEFEND that horrible drug. It's only defenders are the ones using it for a crutch. I pray for all of you in that situation. Seriously. If you are not lying, stealing and thieving for your regular opiates, it is SICK SICK SICK to think you are better off on them and weaning then you are UNDER ANY SUB TREATMENT IN THE WORLD.
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