Im in a very stable relationship.
I would like you to see it from my point of view if possible.
When you are in a relationship, where the partner means that much to you
- then i guess nothing really matters anymore.
and if you feel you are ready enough to commit.
Then it doesnt really matter what age you are.
It doesnt matter if you first have sex at 15, 16, 17...25 etc
What does matter is that you are aware of the risks.
I understand, that you being a mother it's hard to see your little girl growing up so fast.
Would you rather her of told you, and hid it from you?
I have had sex, and i know im not the only one my age that has.
There are people younger than me and your daughter that are parents.
I think you should be glad she trusts you enough to be able to tell you she has had sex, because the only people who know that i've had sex, is my partner and my best friend.
As someone (I am a male) who waited unnecessarily until I was 19 and in college before having intercourse, my brother’s antics (he brought girls home when he was 13 and rarely did we not have to turn up the TV volume when they were there) well, they annoyed me.
Our mother was not permissive, she just faced the facts. If it was going to happen it would happen anyway. Better she knew and could talk to the girl involved than to not know.
On reflection (I’m now 50 years old, twice married and a counselor for teens for the last ten years),
Well, truth is I missed out on a wonderful time for teenagers. A time you can experiment and find out what your body is about. Sure, sex is dangerous if you don’t understand the risks, but for those who do understand the risks and are careful, there are fewer problems than for adults. Teenage life is relatively carefree, so then it’s the time to learn. Not to discover 2 years into your marriage that your husband is in fact a sexual dork and that your friend’s husband next door is a hunky killer-lover.
Jesus’s mother was 13 or 14 according to the estimates when she had her young son.She had many children after that. Such was the custom in those times. No High SWchool, no college, and the prospect of dying at 35 or 40. Today, things are (perhaps temporarily) different.
Just understand that the 18+ rule is a fictional invention, mostly with good intentions –allowing for high school and college life and the time that takes. Bu the conflict with biological reality is enormous. So in real life the 18+ rule is not what the majority of teenagers really do. 13, 14, 15 appears to be the rule for those who disregard the rules, probably a majority.
The again, there are young guys and ladies who “keep themselves whole” until they are 18 , 21, 25 etc. That should be respected, but it seems to be rare. Hard to judge since if you tell the truth you can end up in prison.
I only come into the latter (18 to 25) group because I didn’t know what I was missing. Many offers, all declined, by dumbo me. Sad! But finally I met my match, a young lady who courted me (or was it the other way round, who knows) for 3 months. The, at the end of a wonderful night (prom dresses, dinner jackets, bow ties) I said (gulp) “I don’t want this to end tonight”. The reply was “So what do we do?”. (Me) (gulp) “I have great room in the Residence halls, private shower and stuff, maybe some music?”
Reply “Yeah I ‘d like you to do me with some nice music on, kiss my tits and ..you know..do it properly, make breakfast tomorrow..stuff like that.
Followed by me, (gasping for air) hell, will you marry me? I.. I …“Give me a nice night, then yes.”
“ Tired you sleep, then we have fun tomorrow.”
“ Not tired, we have fun tonight.”
Then I tell you what we do, after. .. If I marry you, or no marry you.
Her English then was good, I’d asked her to clock her IQ..135, not bad for a non-English native speaker but the grammar had some problems. 23 years later she had educated both of our children in three languages. Both of our children are successful in what they chose to do.
When we married our daughter off 2 years ago ago, I kissed my wife adoringly and said “same as we were then”. She replied “no, when I married you I was 15, my passport and birth certificate were fakes. I just took the money you gave me and bought them.” I marry you because you treated me like a lady, not like a servant as many do in Russia.
Goddamn! I was a child rapist!
But, my Russian queen, I love you!
So , keep an eye on the relationship. Make sure that contraceptive pills are available, but don't "insist" on their use. Make sure that condoms are available and DO insist on their use unless your daughter understands the (huge) potential risks.
Or, go straight in, be a super modern mom, and help control some of the unknowns... "OK, but both of you take the tests..before you start." ..."and nobody goes with anybody else!" "One girl.. one guy"Understand?" No dead daughters on my patch, and I've only got one, you my sweetie! God bless you both, but don't complain to me if it goes wrong! Love you so much, but I don't control you.. compris?!"
You might find that with a relaxed and open attitude at home that your daughter either
a) Goes into a relationship with her eyes open. 15 year olds can be very smart. Or
b) Junks the idea and maybe shacks up with a girl whose going to the same college. Same-sex female relationships are arguably less risky from the health point of view.
As for my sister, I know what she's going through. And since my mother isn't around to talk to her about sex, I have to be there at least to support her and hear her out. I did kinda lost my childhood taking care of her, so that is why feel concerned for her like I'm her mom. So taking this time to really think about what I went through and reading these stories, it helped me a lot on what I should say when I do confront her about her having sex. And even though I'm heart broken about her losing it, there's nothing I can do to bring it back and for her to be pure again. She's doing it and she's going to continue doing it because she's curious and being a teen. She's growing up. I was there not too long ago and I know how it felt to have spontaneous sex. There's that saying, "The forbidden fruit is so much sweeter". That's how sex is for teens. The more you try to keep them away from doing it, it only makes them want to try it more and soon.