Let me tell you how my mind works, maybe someone can chime in and tell me what's going on.
But first, A little background. My childhood was not rough at all. Although my father was not around constantly, he was around enough to keep me inline. Everything was fine until I turned about 11.
It was mild then, my mother said that I had started disobeying her. Now that I think back that's exactly what happened. Things got progressively worse. When I finally started noticing my behavior problems I was about 15. I started getting into trouble with friends, family and the authorities. Then by the time I was 17 I had completely shut out the world, I would stay at home, be awake at all hours of the night. Rarely go to school or hang out with friends.
At 18 I dropped out of school. This continued until recently. I've since gotten out more, have a bit of a social life but I still enjoy being alone.
None of the above bothers me much. I figure it's about normal. What bothers me is what follows.
I have violent urges. I can be fine one minute, then want to kill someone the next. Not anyone specific, just somebody. But it doesn't help with relationships at all. I either tell them up front about these urges. (That rarely turns out in my favor) Or they find out sooner or later when I'm beating the c**p out of something in the garage.
Strong sexual urges. I crave sex, constantly. All of the time. I find it quite annoying. Especially when talking to an attractive woman and flashes of sexual acts fly through my head. Tends to make me stutter, then I choke, then panic. Doesn't exactly instill confidence which is what many women look for.
This probably goes up there with the violent urges but, when one of these urges hit and I'm around people, I'll look at them, and think on how I would probably kill them.
This leads to -- Graphic memory. I remember the way people, places and things look. When I get these violent or sexual urges. I can graphically picture them in my mind. Like a dream, but quick flashes.
What bothers me the most is when these two happens at the same time. It totally wrecks my thoughts. I stutter, blush, just stand there with a blank expression, walk away or any combination of the above.
The next one I was going to leave out because, If you don't think I'm nuts now, You will after this one.
Rendezvous. I can have extremely detailed dreams about things then later they actually happen. By later, I mean MONTHS. The last one happened a month or so ago. I had the dream about it almost 2 months before. I had never been to the place before. I didn't even notice it was the place until I was exactly where I had dreamed, At the exact time. Even then it didn't really click until I saw the mother and baby deer. Then the conversation began. Sounds crazy huh? It happens, I really don't care what you think about this particular "Issue" It has done nothing but help me stay out of trouble.
So anyone want to offer any professional, or even semi-professional thoughts?
I have strange beliefs as well, I don't want to go into them here though. This is not the place for those kinds of things. If you are ever so curious though I think I would be OK to speak in private.
Looking forward to feedback about my screwed up mind. 8-|
What makes it worse is that i can't get said images out of my head, thinking constantly about it and planning details in my head about it, like possible ways to do whatever i happen to be thinking about that the time. As you siad, it can happen in quick 'flashes' whilst being there and after the event too.
Also, i also am a self confessed 'loner' having shut everyone out and stayed in when i should have gone out.
Needless to say, i suffer Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I am wondering, do you get these urges and thoughts alot more etc when you are under alot of stress or not? As stress is a big factor in OCD.
I've also found that my constant suppression of these urges, thoughts and images leaves me mentally tired by mid-day unless I give myself something to keep my mind busy whether it be video games, 4 wheeling, driving or spending time at the target range. Even hanging out and drinking beer with friends helps. So at times I can seem a bit "off" due to mental exhaustion.
My own OCD became so bad that at one point i was forced into an institution. That is not a place you will want to be forced to go into, trust me on that. Which is why i say have it checked out, just in case something can be done to cure/reduce symptoms and problems.
It's not like it's hurting me or anything it's just more things to deal with, and that's not something I need right now.
Nothing is wrong to have any kinds of thoughts, as long as you recognise that that's all they are:thoughts. Just let it go. It's got no power over you unless you feed it and panic. No need to panic, see it just as that---energy, just a thought. Many people have thoughts, it doesn't mean they're a bad person. That's the nature of mind, it produces thoughts, which essentiaslly are neither good nor bad. What happens is, people panic and think it's something solid and thay identify with those thoughts,and try to surpress them, that produces neurosis. Find an authentic Buddhist meditation centre or a christian silent hall, and just bee there with your thoughts. Let them come and go. Nothing to be frightened of. It's such strong energy, it can be transformed and potential is you can help many people if you learn how to channel it with the good and altruistic motivation. Good luck.