As it stands, I consider myself to be a rather emotional person. More so since I had my son 6 years ago, and he has shown me that I have a lot more compassion and care within myself than I ever thought I did, so he truly does bring out the best in me. But its the other people out there. People doing things or acting a certain way that bothers me that makes me have violent thoughts. Perhaps im just an angry person now? a bit of a grumpy old fart at the tender age of 28?
For example, where we live there is a Mexican family that lives across the street and they actually operate a restaurant out of their house. (how they havent been busted in all these years is beyond me.....) while i dont particularly like people who skate by taxes and manipulate the system, i dont really have a problem with them. They got great good and i buy it often. The people I have a problem with are there customers.. who continuously park their cars in front of our house, in our parking spaces, in front of the gate into our shop, etc... and they just seem so nonchalant about it like they dont give a damn. Ontop of it, they leave their trash all over the place outside. The owners of the place across the way dont seem to care, and if I made one phone call to the health department I could get them shut down permanently. Ive contemplated it several times.. but its more the people and their parking situation. In my head i hear "how dare you park your piece of c**p in my spaces like it doesnt matter, and then give me dirty looks when i tell you to remove yourself". Often times my thoughts start wandering and i get the urge to plant my fist down someones throat. Why? I dunno. sometimes its just the thought of such disrespect. thinking of it even now angers me to the point i dont want to think about it anymore...
If I go out to a bar or some other social event i find myself waiting for someone to say something to me I dont like. If the way someone is talking or behaving bothers me, i have thoughts of getting physical.. and whats REALLY bad... my sons mother has a boyfriend and me and him have shared some harsh words over the years, and now for whatever reason he feels the need to "chauffeur" her when she comes to bring my son for a visit. At times I feel like pulling him out of the car, and taking my physical aggressions out beyond just fists and feet... if you catch my meaning.. sometimes the thoughts get pretty graphic.
Its typically only when something upsets me really badly or even just enough to ruffle my feathers, so-to-speak, but i suppose there may be some other issue here. What if this is the early stages of psychosis? am i going to become an uncontrollable hate driven monster in 10 - 20 years? I wish I could walk around in a happy bliss unfazed by stupid people or undesirable circumstances, but i feel like when something bothers me that much, I want to put my fist through a wall (which I havent done in years).
So while in my aging, ive learned to control myself a bit more, i feel the urges are getting stronger. Maybe its because I control myself more? Holding it in too much? How do you release that? Punching bags dont work because at the end of it all, those people are still there to pi$$ me off. Its like I want to kick someones ass to give them a reason to stop doing that which bothers me. I know this is unhealthy, but where do I start my therapy on that? Im not comfortable going through it all with a psychologist, because ive tried that and when they give me their carbon copy bullcrap spiel they just become the next target... lol i dislike fakeness, and if i wanted to hear what they read in a textbook at the local community college, id just go read that textbook.. meds havent helped and im too poor to pay for good care/medication so all i can really try is the cheap stuff, that ive already tried...
So what do i do?
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Maybe what you need to do is pick up that community college textbook and have a read. What's the harm? Honestly though, I don't think you're going insane. Aggression and anger are a part of life and sometimes, you just need to get over it.
If you don't want drugstore psychology, then asking for advice on this website probably won't help you lol. I don't want to preach cause I'm sure it will just make you want to punch me in the face lol but seriously dude, suck it up. I have suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life and the question I have continuously asked is Why the hell do I have to be the one to get over it? Why can everyone else walk around like a stupid m***n while I have to suffer with their ignorance? Why? I'll tell you why. Because you do. Seriously. One of the harsh truths in life is that people suck and WILL cheese you off. Having thoughts of pushing them into a wood chipper is normal as long as you don't actually do it.
From your post, I don't get the feeling that you're a dangerous psychopath.. I get the feeling that you're just lost in a big world. Walking around as if you're in a battlefield waiting for bombs to go off is no way to live.. ask the guys from Vietnam suffering from PTSD.
I too was cynical about psychologists (not psychiatrists) when I first decided to get myself some help. My sister had suffered from chronic depression and all they did was pump her full of drugs so how in the hell were they going to help me? So you know what I did? I walked right into that clinic and I told the shrink that I thought he was a fraud. I told him I thought his whole profession and process was a joke.. a regergitated vortex of BS and double talk. And ya know what? 3 years later, I look at my time in therapy as the best possible thing I ever did for myself. I am healthy, free of drugs and I don't let people bother me anymore. Not because of the shrink and his advice, but because for 52 days out of the year I got to go to a place where I could say anything I wanted no matter how rude, brutal or scary. And it was all about me.
Maybe you need that. Hopefully this gave you something to think about and didn't just leave you even more pissed off than you were before. Good Luck and go ahead and tear me a new one if that's what you need to do.
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As for psychologists and all that.. I dunno. Maybe your right. Maybe I do need someone just to listen to my sht. I am fairly alone right now (mostly at my own request) and dont have many friends and aside from my son, ZERO relatives to talk to. And ill be damned if im putting my burdens on my little booger.. that kid wont know negativity until he experiences it for himself and I am adamant about that. I dont want him growing up bitter and guided toward hate like I was. I grew up with grandparents, and they were jaded even for their age group.. lol
I consider myself a rational person and I wont fly off the handle at nothing, but I do have a nasty temper. I have kept myself away from physical conflict for over a decade because I know what ive been capable of in the past and with what my body is capable of now in comparison to then, id do something regrettable if I did.. I, like you, suffer from at least a mild form of depression (mostly from currently living a fcking shtty life) and it has definitely taken a toll on me. Though I do sense some mental changes and im confused as to whether or not they are for the better or worse. I often find myself nearly consumed for brief moments by flashbacks of regrettable actions ive taken in my life, to the point where ill vocally say "oh sht..." even though i didnt mean to, and my face will distort like something is nearly painful. luckily this hasnt happened in public yet. I see this as a sign of complete ignorance in the past and having it all come back to haunt me now, which means while it took a long time I think I have learned those lessons. But.. at the same time.. I dont want to be talking to myself in the future (O_o) lol which is what worries me.
Like you said.. lost in a big world.. I dont know whats normal or not anymore and I dont think any one person can give me an acceptable answer which is why I dont trust medical professionals to help me. I come here in search of a mass audience that can hopefully provide input from multiple perspectives and I can make my own judgement based off that. I really dont know what to think anymore. I know if my situation improves I will be in a much better position to hunker down and get things back in order, but I cant help but feel like I should be able to take any situation in stride without flinching. Why am I flinching? Why cant I just be happy and content no matter whats going on in my life like some people? Why cant I let go of the past thats haunting me? I know I need to, so hearing some shrink tell me "you need to let go blah blah blah" isnt going to help me. Preaching to the choir and all that.. so what next? (a lot of this is rhetorical btw.. just saying lol)
Ill consider talking with a shrink but I am not sure how far that will get me. I know I dont feel comfortable taking meds because I dont want to end up calling one of those 800 numbers years from now posted on a commercial by some lawyer trying to sue a pharmaceutical company for frying my brain with an experimental new product (which seems to almost always be an anti-depressant..) so whatever I do needs to be tried, tested and proven and would prefer it to be therapy based. What I need is someone over 50 with real life experience that can give me insight I dont already know. Someone who really has "been everywhere and done it all". But with my health coverage what it is... every doctor i see is some dipsht 29 year old fresh out of college trying to make a name for themselves.. which is fine.. people gotta start somewhere.. but i need someone with more substance.. any ideas?
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